Closure
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11-01-2015, 08:52 AM
RE: Closure
Whew. Ok. I feel slightly better after that vent. I might be able to eat something... think I've got some Mexican chili chocolate ice cream in the freezer...

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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11-01-2015, 08:57 AM
RE: Closure
(11-01-2015 08:52 AM)Nurse Wrote:  Whew. Ok. I feel slightly better after that vent. I might be able to eat something... think I've got some Mexican chili chocolate ice cream in the freezer...

Attagirl.

But.. y'know... thanks! Dodgy

An hour before midnight and you've got me craving chocolate.

Sadcryface2

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11-01-2015, 08:57 AM
RE: Closure
I thought of this song when I read your post...sounds like what your husband is trying to say in some parts. It would be easier on him if you would just hate him. That would help get him off the hook.

"Hate Me"

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

-Blue October

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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11-01-2015, 08:58 AM
RE: Closure
(11-01-2015 08:57 AM)DLJ Wrote:  
(11-01-2015 08:52 AM)Nurse Wrote:  Whew. Ok. I feel slightly better after that vent. I might be able to eat something... think I've got some Mexican chili chocolate ice cream in the freezer...

Attagirl.

But.. y'know... thanks! Dodgy

An hour before midnight and you've got me craving chocolate.

Sadcryface2

It's 9 am here. Just got off work.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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11-01-2015, 09:31 AM
RE: Closure
(11-01-2015 08:57 AM)Anjele Wrote:  I thought of this song when I read your post...sounds like what your husband is trying to say in some parts. It would be easier on him if you would just hate him. That would help get him off the hook.

"Hate Me"

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

-Blue October

That sums it up quite nicely.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Heartbreak suuuuucks.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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11-01-2015, 01:07 PM
RE: Closure
[Image: smiley-hug011.gif]

Hang on in there...you will get through this...and the heart is a strong muscle...

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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12-01-2015, 11:28 AM
RE: Closure
(11-01-2015 08:40 AM)Nurse Wrote:  So he barely talks to me, keeps me just beyond arms reach for months, has me a complete fucking mess, and then last night around 2, when everything is quiet at work and I'm already struggling with the thoughts in my head and trying to keep a grip, he sends me this..this...shit. He apologized for being cold and causing me pain and that I deserve better, that he was protecting himself. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking serious? For months, I have been craving any sign that he gives a flying fuck about me other than being his son's mother. Not now, he doesn't get to show me he cares now, not when I'm falling apart. I actually told him that. God, I want to hate him so badly. It's fucking with my head. I have never felt this kind of visceral pain before. How did no one else feel that crack in the earth? There's less oxygen to breathe.

I keep trying to stay positive, drive to work, keep a smile on my face, and I just can't fucking keep it up. I don't have the luxury of having a mini breakdown in the restroom, my patients don't have the luxury of me being scattered. I don't know how to fix this pain. I just want to fast forward and get this hell over with. How long am I going to hurt like this? As soon as I start to think I've got a handle on things, I fall apart worse. My physical symptoms would earn an EKG, it actually fucking hurts.

All it would take is "I'm still in love with you. Let's make this work." That's it. I tell him I'm falling apart, and he tells me I'll be better when our lives are finally separate.

And then I've got mom trying to tell me we can work it out, and about friends of hers that have gotten divorced and then back together. Yeh, well, he'd have to actually be in love with me for that to happen. Not helping, Mom, not one bit.

Me not loving him, just lying to myself. My optimism for getting out of this mostly unscathed and cold and indifferent has been shot to shit.

I wish I could send you a bigger hug. Hug

Hope this cheers you up a little. It's Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron's new dance video. Banana_zorroBanana_zorro

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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12-01-2015, 12:48 PM
RE: Closure
I see you white knuckled struggling to keep your shit together, when really you just need to let it rip. Go get yourself some waterproof mascara, and learn the 3 minute cry in a restroom. You gotta let it out. You know keeping it bottled in isnt healthy. Someone asks that you don't want to discuss it with- you have the luck of having a profession that "loses" people. Just tell them you were thinking of a former patient. They should understand and just walk away.

And honestly, I think you need to beat the hell out of something. Go for a hike in the woods and start throwing some stuff. Start with some rocks and sticks, by the time you are done you will be ripping down trees. Blaze your own trail. Heart


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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15-01-2015, 02:45 AM
RE: Closure
So, my parents took us out to eat last night. Probably one of the last dinners we will do looking like a couple, he was still in his uniform. They're moving back in the house (they do own it, after all). So he's moving out this month. Thanks mom and dad for accelerating that train.

I drank three glasses of wine at the restaurant trying to dull everything. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I'm a light weight. That was enough to get me spinning, laying on the bathroom floor, and waking up in the guest bedroom - my old bedroom. If pot were legal I would just get stoned. This is a house that I've moved in and out of several times over the course of my life. My first memories are in this house. Then my grandparents moved in when we moved to the farm, and then Virginia, a couple more moves, and then back to this house. And then lived here again when I was pregnant and our son was born. And now again.

How do you stop the memories? That's what I remember asking him before I passed out. I walk in a room and the years just flood in. I can't keep living here, either. So many of the later ones involve him.

He doesn't want to try and make things work. I should have known better than to open myself up and ask. I should have known better than to tell him I was still in love with him, and surely we could figure out a way. But at least now I know it's in no way reciprocated. Goddamn him. I'm jealous that he can move on so quickly... That he gets to spend more time with our son...That he gets a nice apartment in the community where I wanted us to live. He has a sane, functional family to help him put his life together, and all I have is the definition of dysfunction. It's no wonder I couldn't keep a marriage working. And we decided I'm keeping my cat, and he's getting the kitten, after all.


And apparently I made an interesting? post to Ferd while drunk. How in the hell do I have so few typos and don't remember posting shit like that? Thought I had some of that shit on lockdown. Goddammit I need a better filter. The thumbprint reader on my phone needs to check my BAC and disable texting and posting functions.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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15-01-2015, 07:38 AM
RE: Closure
(02-01-2015 05:36 PM)Nurse Wrote:  I took off my wedding rings and put them in the drawer. My hand feels naked. He hasn't worn his since August - mostly because it was too big, but he never went and got a spacer. I think I'm going to sell them when it's finalized. Maybe go on vacation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Selling is defnitely a better idea than throwing them in the lake, which is what I did. Emotionally satisfying for a moment, but I wished later that I had the money.

It's been 15 years since my divorce, and from this angle it's so much easier to see how much better life was for both of us after it was over, but making the decision and going through it is excruciating. There is just so much grief over the loss of dreams and future plans and expectations that you once had together. I was pretty bad at being a wife, honestly, so I had some particular regrets about that back then too, but my observation has been that everyone I know who has gotten divorced feels like a failure at some point, even in cases where the other person was clearly the problem. In my case, it was just better to accept that I wasn't great at that, at least not at that time in my life, but that may not be the best strategy for everyone. Also, the practical matters of separating your lives aren't particularly fun either. Glad you're letting yourself feel it and getting support.

I second the recommendation for the How to Survive the Loss of a Love book, with the caveat that I was still religious at the time I read it and I can't remember whether it mentions god. My memory says it doesn't but my memory is often wrong...

Hugs and all the best to you as you move into this new stage of your life...

Andy
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