Collection of religious jokes
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12-02-2012, 03:36 PM
Collection of religious jokes
I have been arguing some very heavy subjects during the last few days and I feel I need an R&R.

So I started this thread, hoping others will contribute.

I have a good-size collection and hope to learn some new ones.

So here it goes:

Three men are at the gate of heaven.

St Peter asks: what happened to you? How did you die?

The first man says: “I was late to work, was running out of my apartment building, putting my shirt on when this maniac threw a fridge on top of me “

The second man says: “I got home unexpectedly and found my wife naked in bed. The window was open and when I looked out I saw this guy running away, putting his shirt on. I got mad and threw the fridge on top of him and died of a heart attack”

The third man says: “I don’t know, I was sitting in the fridge, minding my own business…”

Big Grin
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12-02-2012, 05:56 PM
RE: Collection of religious jokes
At the gate of Heaven there are two doors with a sign on each.

One sign says: "For men who have been dominated by their wives"

In front of that gate there is a line of men standing, miles and miles long.

The other sign says: "For men who dominated their wives"

In front of that gate there is this little skinny guy standing, all by himself.

Someone from the other line calls over: ""Hey Mac, what are you doing there?"

The man answers: "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here!" Big Grin
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12-02-2012, 06:18 PM
RE: Collection of religious jokes
A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"

And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.

She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."
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12-02-2012, 06:18 PM
RE: Collection of religious jokes
One day God was walking along the fence that separates Heaven and Hell.
You may not have known that, but there's just a fence.

He notices that a section is falling down, so he beckons Satan over.
"Hey, Satan, this section of fence is falling down."
Satan responds, "So?"
"Look, our agreement stipulates that fence maintenance is your responsibility."
Satan responds, "I haven't got time for this."
"Look, Satan, if you don't take take of these, I'll sue your sorry ass!"
And Satan sneers, "Oh sure. Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
[Image: flagstiny%206.gif]
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12-02-2012, 06:49 PM
RE: Collection of religious jokes
A man went to heaven and was being shown around by St. Peter.
As they went from cloud to cloud they would see huge mansions with people of all faiths and religions partying and reveling out in the streets of gold. One cloud was even populated by atheists who were surprised to be there, but they were enjoying themselves.
At the very last cloud, St. Peter put his forefinger to his lips in the hush motion and they both tip toed past.

Once past, the man asked what that was all about !?
"Those are the Calvinists", he explained. "They think they are the
only one's here!"

It was just a fucking apple man, we're sorry okay? Please stop the madness Laugh out load
~Izel
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12-02-2012, 07:17 PM (This post was last modified: 12-02-2012 07:47 PM by Zat.)
RE: Collection of religious jokes
Little boy is playing baseball whole day.

When he finally goes home, he realizes that he had lost his brand new gloves.

He is terrifies of what his father would do to him.

He starts writing a letter;

“Dear Jesus, if you find my glove, I will never beat up my little brother again”.

He tears it up – won’t be able to keep that promise.

He starts another letter:

“Dear Jesus, if you find my glove, I will never pick on my little sister again”.

He tears that up too. Another unkeepable promise.

Finally, he has an idea.

Picks up the Madonna statuette off the mantelpiece, wraps it in a towel and hides it under the bed.

“Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your Mother again…”





Two catholic priests promise each other that whichever dies first will try to come back and tell the other what it is like on the other side.

True enough, one of them dies and, a few months later, comes back in a dream to inform his friend.

So the other one, in his dream asks: “tell me – what is it like?”

The other priest says “It is truly wonderful: we make love in the morning, we make love at noon, we make love at supper and we make love before sleeping”

The dreaming priest says, in wonder: “Wow! You must be an angel in heaven!”

The dead priest replies: “No, I am a rabbit in Florida!”
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12-02-2012, 08:43 PM
RE: Collection of religious jokes
A drunk man is pissing at the wall on a public street.

A priest, coming along, starts scolding a drunk: “Are you not ashamed of yourself?” he cries.

The drunk thinks about it for a minute and then replies: “Yes, it is true – but by tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be a priest!”
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13-02-2012, 12:39 AM (This post was last modified: 13-02-2012 12:45 AM by Mr Woof.)
RE: Collection of religious jokes
Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone road.
One nun says to the other "I don't think I've ever come this way before."
'Ummmmm' reponds the other, "me too, must be the cobblestones."
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15-02-2012, 07:51 AM (This post was last modified: 15-02-2012 08:18 AM by Karl.)
RE: Collection of religious jokes
Little Jimmies’ dad past away after a long illness and he is sitting crying quietly behind the church when one of the other members notices him there and goes to comfort him.
“Are you ok there Jimmy?”
“I’ll be ok, just sad…”
“Would you like me to get Father O’Brian for you?”
“No that’s alright, I’m just not in the mood for sex right now”

A priest a rabbi and a pastor walk into a bar
Bartender looks up “Is this some sort of a joke?”

What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting?
Only takes one nail to hang a painting

If you’re Jesus and you know it clap your hands!
Oh, never mind…

Jesus walks into a motel and throws some nails on the counter
“Can you put me up for the night?”

I was late for work the other day and couldn’t find a car park
“Lord, if you find me a park I’ll stop drinking and swearing”
Suddenly a car park opened up right in front of me
“Never mind, I found one”

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon where comparing the sizes of their families
“I have four boys” beamed the Baptist “and my wife is expecting another, one more boy and I’ll have a basket ball team”
The Catholic just laughed “I have ten boys, one more and I’ll have a football team!”
The Mormon just smiled “I have seventeen wives, one more and I’ll have a golf coarse”

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. Friedrich Nietzsche
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15-02-2012, 01:12 PM
RE: Collection of religious jokes
Kent Hovind, he's a religious joke.

Best and worst of Ferdinand .....
Best
Ferdinand: We don't really say 'theist' in Alabama. Here, you're either a Christian, or you're from Afghanistan and we fucking hate you.
Worst
Ferdinand: Everyone from British is so, like, fucking retarded.
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