Coming Out After Lying to Everyone for Years
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01-02-2016, 06:53 PM
Coming Out After Lying to Everyone for Years
So I’m a long time lingerer on this site and let me say that I’m happy online communities like this exist that allow me to hash these kinds of things out. I thank anyone who can take the time to hear my story out and provide feedback on how to approach some difficult decisions that will be affecting my personal life pretty soon. In a nutshell, I’ve recently come to accept myself as a bi (though mostly gay) male after years of stagnation and self-doubt, but I don’t know how to reconcile this with the straight-as-an-arrow image I’ve been putting on for my friends and family all these years (for reference, I’m 23 at the time of this writing).

I appreciate that we have become accepting as a culture and it is probably easier to come out now than any time before, but I’ve been plagued by a host of complications in the past decade that have made this particularly difficult for me. I was an awkward, sickly and slightly Asperger-ish kid growing up and struggled for years to connect with others physically and emotionally before getting close to figuring out who I was and what I wanted in life. I was also diagnosed with a thyroid condition in college that had throttled my sex drive, so you might agree that I was dealt a pretty lousy hand in those years.

Through most of High School I didn’t consider myself gay or straight - basically just a “none,” thanks to a dearth of romantic involvement. By default I claimed to be straight with everyone I knew and nobody doubted this (I look and sound very ordinary and you wouldn’t suspect anything unless I told you). My romantic life was anemic during that time, and I wouldn’t start to build some sense of identity until college. With proactive involvement in my health and interpersonal relationships, I had started to make headway; I had gone dates with guys and girls with varying degrees of success, but romantic chemistry always felt more natural with guys. But just the same I was never really sexually active and had no inclination to stop playing it straight to almost everyone I knew. Only a handful of friends know what my deal is, but for everyone else my hetero-reputation and lack of romantic history at this age is putting me under pressure to start seeing women.

Psychologically I am in a better position than I used to be, but my current circumstances kind of suck. I commute to work from my hometown and will probably be with my parents until the housing market bottoms out again, so any decisions I make in my personal life are going to be in the open with my family, local friends, and possibly some co-workers. Having inadvertently built the image of some bachelor who has dozens of women in his future and will one day get hitched and sire a bunch of children to further his family line, I don’t know how to be honest with everyone without causing some serious pain along the way*.

And if I do come out soon, I believe the response - coming mostly from my parents - will be denial, or rueful denial, given under the rationale that I’m just a confused and frustrated young adult who is removing himself from the mating pool. As weird as it sounds, I feel as though nobody would really believe/want to believe my coming out (i.e. “He’s just so ordinary,” or “He’s just saying this to get attention”) and would intuitively try to squelch any gay behavior or vibes I gave off because it would disrupt this version of reality I created for them. So where do I go from here? If I out myself, should I do it quickly or just let it start seeing other guys and let it happen despite the constant pressure I’m under to start seeing women? Should I even bother to come out at this point?


~Just to be clear, my parents aren’t some staunch evangelical bunch who hate gays on principle; they’ve actually been vocal about their open-mindedness when the topic has come up. But they have their own insecurities and I suspect based on our history that they would fall right in with the “gays are alright as long as they’re not my kids” camp.

"Men willingly believe what they wish." -Julius Caesar
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01-02-2016, 07:05 PM
RE: Coming Out After Lying to Everyone for Years
I think you should live your truth, whatever that is for you. I am sure it's not going to be easy to tell your parents, but it will be immensely freeing for you. You get one life to live and you should live it the way you want, loving who you want. Your parents sound like they may struggle with it initially, but once they see you are happy, they may feel differently once they see that and have a chance to fully process everything. If they can never accept it, you still need to live your truth and live the life that makes *you* happy.
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01-02-2016, 07:10 PM
RE: Coming Out After Lying to Everyone for Years
I can understand a parent needing some time to adjust to a different vision of what they thought the future held for their child.

My aunt spent years dreaming about my cousin's wedding and the kids she would have...big Catholic church thing with all the bells and whistles.

So, the cousin did get married...to another woman. And all is well with the world. My aunt said it was an adjustment for her...she had to rethink things a bit and alter her view of things...but when she saw how happy my cousin and her wife are, she could no longer let her religious beliefs get in the way.

I hope that your parents adjust as well.

And welcome to our little corner of the world. Smile

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

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01-02-2016, 09:53 PM
RE: Coming Out After Lying to Everyone for Years
Yes. What they said.Smile

A man should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself. -Ferris Bueller

That's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails, that's what a ship needs but what a ship is... what the Black Pearl really is... is freedom. -Jack Sparrow
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06-02-2016, 02:23 PM
RE: Coming Out After Lying to Everyone for Years
Hey, thank you guys for hearing me out. I’ve been putting my personal life and relationships on hiatus lately because it’s been a pretty crazy year, so it’s been months since I really talked to anyone about this. But I’m growing increasingly aware of the fact that I’m not so young anymore and can’t go tiptoeing around this issue much longer. I’m just looking for a way to be smart about this, because I am starting from square one in the dating game again, and will run into lot of friends, family and co-workers along the way who I’m sure will each react differently, if and when I decide to come clean with them.

Because I’m not the type to just dive in and come out to everybody on facebook (just coming out to my close friends was like pulling teeth), I was wondering if anybody could point me to a page or resource that might be better suited to offering advice on relationships and coming out on a situational basis. Thank you very much for your time and I appreciate every bit of feedback Smile.

"Men willingly believe what they wish." -Julius Caesar
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06-02-2016, 03:03 PM
RE: Coming Out After Lying to Everyone for Years
Kaneda, my daughter told me she was transgender when she was 18. It took everything in me to accept it and yeah, I'm pretty open minded. There's a mourning period that parents go through. The vision of the person they thought they knew isn't there anymore, the person has been supplanted with a different future and parents need the time to adjust to this. If they aren't allowed that space it makes it even more difficult to accept.

My daughter was wise at 18. She let us alone and gave us time to adjust. It took a couple of years. At one point she said to me "you know I'm the same basic person I always was" and that helped me a lot. I imagine that your parents might be the same way.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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07-02-2016, 01:58 PM
RE: Coming Out After Lying to Everyone for Years
(01-02-2016 06:53 PM)Kaneda Wrote:  And if I do come out soon, I believe the response - coming mostly from my parents - will be denial, or rueful denial
I'm not gay, so I haven't experienced what you are going through.

But here are my thoughts (for what they are worth)

1. You don't know what your parents reaction will be. They haven't been given the chance yet to react.
2. You don't owe it to your parents to be attracted to a particular type of person.
3. You cannot live your life trying to please your parents. You are you, you are an individual. It was your parents responsibility to prepare you for the world, to equip you will the tools/skills to become an independent person. You must live your own life, whatever life that is that you choose for yourself.
4. You don't have to make an announcement to your parents regarding your sexuality. Just because you haven't made an announcement, it does NOT mean that you are lying to them.
5. Its your life.
6. It isn't much of a life to deny yourself of love. That would be a sacrifice too great, life is far too short to live in the shadows.
7. Who the fuck cares if you are normal or not? Define "normal".
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07-02-2016, 04:32 PM
RE: Coming Out After Lying to Everyone for Years
(01-02-2016 06:53 PM)Kaneda Wrote:  ...
(for reference, I’m 23 at the time of this writing).
...

Oh, so young.
:sigh:

(06-02-2016 02:23 PM)Kaneda Wrote:  ...
I’m growing increasingly aware of the fact that I’m not so young anymore
...

Wait! Wot?!?!?

It might be a tough one but I wonder if you could imagine being nearly 30 years older and Asperger-ish and not having figured out who you are or what you want in life.

(01-02-2016 06:53 PM)Kaneda Wrote:  ...
I was an awkward, sickly and slightly Asperger-ish kid growing up and struggled for years to connect with others physically and emotionally before getting close to figuring out who I was and what I wanted in life.
...

Awwww, poop!

There ya go. You're way ahead.

You've done the hard bit; that figuring out bit (lemme in on the secret when you have a minute to spare).

Now you just have to think about how other people fit (positively or negatively or neutrally) into that vision of / vision for yourself.

Yes

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07-02-2016, 04:45 PM
RE: Coming Out After Lying to Everyone for Years
(07-02-2016 04:32 PM)DLJ Wrote:  
(01-02-2016 06:53 PM)Kaneda Wrote:  ...
(for reference, I’m 23 at the time of this writing).
...

Oh, so young.
:sigh:

(06-02-2016 02:23 PM)Kaneda Wrote:  ...
I’m growing increasingly aware of the fact that I’m not so young anymore
...

Wait! Wot?!?!?

It might be a tough one but I wonder if you could imagine being nearly 30 years older and Asperger-ish and not having figured out who you are or what you want in life.

(01-02-2016 06:53 PM)Kaneda Wrote:  ...
I was an awkward, sickly and slightly Asperger-ish kid growing up and struggled for years to connect with others physically and emotionally before getting close to figuring out who I was and what I wanted in life.
...

Awwww, poop!

There ya go. You're way ahead.

You've done the hard bit; that figuring out bit (lemme in on the secret when you have a minute to spare).

Now you just have to think about how other people fit (positively or negatively or neutrally) into that vision of / vision for yourself.

Yes

What he said.

And if I did not before, welcome to the forum.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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