"Coming out" as atheist and LGBTQ?
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04-12-2013, 02:47 AM (This post was last modified: 04-12-2013 02:56 AM by Aika.)
RE: "Coming out" as atheist and LGBTQ?
Thanks everyone for responding, your input and advice have helped a lot. And a big thank you to Kerri for sharing her experience. I'm quoting a few very good points from Kerri's entry:

I still miss my friends to a huge degree, and until coming out, I do think we were very good friends. Some individuals who you think will have a problem with your disclosure may turn out to be your biggest allies. Some individuals you least expect to have an opinion will severely disappoint (and even hurt) you.

I find this to be very true.

I ceased contact with my church friends for a week or so. A couple of them did reach out, at which point I said to them I do not welcome evangelism, and further down the conversation I mentioned I am atheist and bisexual. And they seem to be pretty cool with it so far. I'm glad about that.


I'm able to be myself, and that's far better, in my opinion, than almost anything else. I will also say that being "out" is incredibly freeing and so far has been worth every loss. Only you can judge if the benefits can outweigh the risks.

Yes, it is very liberating. It feels good that I can talk about my sexuality a little more openly with friends I'm out to. It's way better than ruminating things in one's head, which oftentimes doesn't help at all.


As for my close friend, I still don't know. It still doesn't quite make sense to me.

I've known her a long time and I've been pretty open with her about my opinions on social phenomena, my good and bad life experiences and what not. We've had great discussions on many things. (Well, except for atheism and sexuality, on which I beat around the bush, because I respect her religious faith.) This makes me feel incredibly insecure, as unwanted as the feeling is.

She has her own set of circumstances. I guess when it comes to having to let go, I still have to let go, even though I have deeply valued our friendship.
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04-12-2013, 06:36 AM
RE: "Coming out" as atheist and LGBTQ?
If you have a friend who is a friend because they see you in a way that is not consistent with who you are, are they actually YOUR friend? Or are they the friend of an imaginary person?

That said, I have happily been friends with people who have nothing in common with me save one interest. Those friendships are based on only that interest and everything else is just not shared. That can still be a valuable friendship.

It would be amazing if you ran into a person who shares everything with you. It isn't very likely though. Sometimes you can agree to disagree, or sometimes there can be an unspoken contract to ignore some things.

The best friendships/partnerships are those that have some things in common and are able to support the other person in whatever it is that is not shared.

So, not all friendships are going to stand up to a strict measure of compatibility. As long as both people benefit from the friendship, and incompatibilities can be ignored, it's still all good.

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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04-12-2013, 07:20 AM (This post was last modified: 04-12-2013 07:23 AM by Luminon.)
RE: "Coming out" as atheist and LGBTQ?
(03-12-2013 10:29 AM)Aika Wrote:  As a woman, will coming out as bisexual to female friends rock the boat too much?

What are your experiences?
Not with this in particular Smile I think scientists say about 40 % women are in fact bisexual. Women are wired to be more social and less clear-cut than men.

Just please don't label yourself as a Lesbian or Bisexual. If you say - "I like to look at a pretty girl every once in a while", that's all right, say something that 40 % of your friends can identify with as well. Labels divide, feelings unite. Maybe it's my male fantasies talking, but I wish women were free from this homophobic mindfuck that America is full of. When it comes to gay men action, my stomach turns, but it's just my stomach, I don't have to freak out like a southern state macho.

The problem is, any kind of different wiring is a huge threat in itself in a homogeneous society. Being different, including bisexual automatically means a huge increase in risk of bullying, violence, abuse, rape, depression, anxiety and so on. I guess people wrongly imagine that being able to love both ways means that you're easy. They may imagine unfaithfulness
My heart (or what's left of it) goes out to you.

I think if you can find a way to be open with your friends without making them think you've got some kind of problem that you want to put on them, that would be great.
The problem with self-disclosure and telling the truth is, you may not speak the same language. If people have the word "atheist" defined as a "monster", then by telling them you're an atheist you're not telling them the truth, you're telling them you're a monster, which is not the truth. A true word for atheist would be "somebody too embarrassed to talk into thin air when nobody's there".
The same is true with bisexuality, if you tell them you're bisexual, most people understand "twice as sexual as everyone else".
You've got to talk in their language and get the meaning across, not the label. If you tell them the label, they'll invent their own meaning and when people are allowed to do that, they invent the worst meaning they can.
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04-12-2013, 07:53 AM
RE: "Coming out" as atheist and LGBTQ?
(04-12-2013 07:20 AM)Luminon Wrote:  If people have the word "atheist" defined as a "monster", then by telling them you're an atheist you're not telling them the truth, you're telling them you're a monster, which is not the truth.

^^^ THIS.

lots of wisdom in that nugget right there.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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04-12-2013, 08:19 AM
RE: "Coming out" as atheist and LGBTQ?
Just please don't label yourself as a Lesbian or Bisexual. Labels divide, feelings unite.

I guess people wrongly imagine that being able to love both ways means that you're easy. If you tell them you're bisexual, most people understand "twice as sexual as everyone else".

You've got to talk in their language and get the meaning across, not the label. If you tell them the label, they'll invent their own meaning and when people are allowed to do that, they invent the worst meaning they can.



Yeah, I'm not a big fan of putting labels on myself. As mentioned, I didn't have to do that when I lived elsewhere, where it was much more diverse and liberal.

I've just found it necessary to tell people who for some reason are trying to get involved in my personal life, that I'm not "straddling on the fence" about religion -- I do not welcome evangelism and I downright do not want to be involved. Because it seems like if I don't make the message clear enough, people wouldn't stop trying to aggressively evangelize me for hours.

And I've needed to find a way to stop people from throwing homophobia in my face. It's the same thing -- if I don't get the message across, people wouldn't understand that I'm offended by homophobia. And unfortunately, where I live, being an open ally to LGBTQ seems to imply that one identify as LGBTQ.
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04-12-2013, 09:00 AM
RE: "Coming out" as atheist and LGBTQ?
(04-12-2013 06:36 AM)Dom Wrote:  The best friendships/partnerships are those that have some things in common and are able to support the other person in whatever it is that is not shared.

So, not all friendships are going to stand up to a strict measure of compatibility. As long as both people benefit from the friendship, and incompatibilities can be ignored, it's still all good.

Yes, of course. I have many other friends - most of them don't live in my vicinity, so we only talk occasionally and don't bother with each other's lives to much.

Because I live in a new town, I've been trying very hard to establish new, meaningful relationships to be of some support.

I think part of the reason I feel not so good about my close friend is because, I recently went through a suicidal crisis, and I ended up telling her a lot of information that I had been withholding for over 10 years, because at that point, I needed serious help.

As it turns out, our relationship just isn't the same after that.

I anticipated the risk but I can't help but feel very sad.
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