Coming out + give me tips?
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22-08-2016, 05:39 PM
Coming out + give me tips?
TLDR version: I am transgender > body female vs brain absolutely not female

Yup, probably the last thing any of the people here, who know me a bit, would have thought. Sorry for that.

Anyway long version:

I was just talking to a good friend.
He was talking about the fact that he was done with a few exams now and happy take a break because it has been a hard time studying so much. After a minute or two he added that he shouldn't complain because he is a white, cis gender, straight male and therefore, according all kinds of movements he has no right to complain about anything.

And I just answered along the lines of "fuck all those movements, just live your life." I told him that I am bi, trans, and an atheist and belong to no movement but that instead I chose to just live my life.
I mean honestly, I don't have to be a feminist or lgbt activist or outspoken atheist or whatever. It doesn't make me an asshole across the board (although sometimes I probably am an asshole), it just makes me live my life and I like that idea.
Anyway, back to the thing.

From there we got into trans "issues" a little bit. About the fact that many transgender people feel like they want to transitions. He said he knows a few more and they all want to transition and they all want to have surgery. I told him that I don't want either of those procedures because I feel no need to have such invasive procedures done to my body just because otherwise society doesn't accept who and how I am. In short, society being the moving force by pretty much bullying people into transitioning instead of accepting them the way they are. (I could write novels about everything that is wrong with society... )

I have spent the vast majority of my life, trying to conform so that society has no problem with me but at this point I do not want to act woman anymore. It started messing me up in my head so much, especially throughout the last few years, that I started to get more and more of a identity crisis. Although at some point in my life I did want to transition and at least get top surgery, by now, I do not feel the need anymore.

I just want to be me and would love if people could accept that without pointing fingers. I can be me inside, behind closed doors. My husband knows my me and he is happy with it. It is a very uncomplicated life behind closed doors. My save haven.
But outside?
Female clothing, female rituals, female chit chat, etc. I just don't want it anymore, I don't want to act any longer.

Recently my mr and I had a lot of very serious talks about this and about why I get so upset and about why I have full blown identity crisis every other month. Luckily, although he doesn't understand a lot of the things, he did encourage me to just be me outside too then. Just wear what I want and behave the way it feels natural to me and see what happens.
I am just afraid to start being me outside my own four walls.
I am generally an introvert, so I really don't want to make a change about myself that makes people talk to me, especially if I didn't invite those people into my little bubble.

What I would need some tips for (if anybody has some) is... Well how do I not stand out with changes. I am mostly concerned about work. Although my company is VERY accepting and inclusive for these kind of things. I still feel a bit anxious. I don't want to stand out at all. If I start changing more than just my wardrobe at work, it will look odd won't it. They will think I have suddenly gone insane or something.
Also I want to change my doctor/gynecologist because mine is a disaster and and certainly not open to transgender issues. Just I don't know if I have to give her a reason when I pick up my file and if I have to give a reason at whatever doctor I choose, when I bring my file....

Also about names: I will keep the name Leela and will not attempt to change it here on the forum. You guys know me as Leela and although it is not a traditional male name, it is a name that fits me well when it comes to the meaning. But to be honest, I don't know if that is silly, deep inside I actually did choose a male first name for myself that I like. Maybe that is silly though but whatever.

... ... ... ...
*looking at the time*
Ok, this took me over an hour to write wtf.
I have been at the brink of just deleting this and moving on several times now but I think it is one step towards not acting something I am not, so I will not delete it.
Hovering over the "post thread" button at least five times without clicking it. I don't know why it is so difficult. I am so straight forward with things and never really care. But somehow with this one it is different... It makes things official doesn't it...
... stop stalling Leela! ...
*sigh* ok, clicking it...

cheers

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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22-08-2016, 05:40 PM
RE: Coming out + give me tips?
I have no experience along these lines and really no advice...just this...I like you just the way you are. Smile

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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22-08-2016, 05:43 PM
RE: Coming out + give me tips?
Cant give much advice but I'd just say don't be sorry for who you are and be happy for who you are.

"If you keep trying to better yourself that's enough for me. We don't decide which hand we are dealt in life, but we make the decision to play it or fold it" - Nishi Karano Kaze
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22-08-2016, 06:05 PM
RE: Coming out + give me tips?
Your Mr sounds like someone you want to hold on to.

I can see how throwing off everything about your current life and starting over sounds freeing but be careful not to throw out the baby with the bathwater as they say (not that you would but just a sense of what it sounds like to me on the other side of the world).

You have one life, weighing what makes you happy versus what makes others happy is always a struggle for all of us and something that you have to explore, hopefully with your Mr.

I cannot even begin to put myself in your shoes (either pumps or penny loafers) so take what I’m saying and view it in the light of trying to help.

FC

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
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22-08-2016, 06:17 PM (This post was last modified: 22-08-2016 06:49 PM by cactus.)
RE: Coming out + give me tips?
Try changing up little things at work in subtle ways (hair, clothes, whatever) and just try to push through the horrible social awkwardness of people saying "Hey, I noticed you did a new thing." After a while it may become easier for you to let them see you outwardly change in whatever way you want.

Lame analogy time:
I really struggle with this "people noticing me do new things" crap, too, especially at work, so I decided to do a little exposure therapy on myself by wearing a tie in my office one day. I wanted to prove to myself that I could handle the attention. There are only like 2 or 3 other people who wear ties, so I definitely stood out. A couple of people said nice things to me. Then one guy made a joke about me looking like a dork, in front of about a dozen other people who all laughed, which prompted me to hide in the bathroom for like 20 minutes. Blush
But you know what, I made it through rest of the day just fine, and I wore that damn tie the next day, too, and no one said a thing. What's the takeaway? Most people are just living in their own little worlds, largely oblivious to what other people are doing with their lives, so I can do the same. People might say hurtful things to me, but its not because they truly give a shit about anything I've done. They're just looking out for themselves. If someone doesn't like the way I look, that's entirely their problem, not mine.

If we came from dust, then why is there still dust?
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22-08-2016, 08:02 PM
RE: Coming out + give me tips?
(22-08-2016 06:17 PM)cactus Wrote:  Try changing up little things at work in subtle ways (hair, clothes, whatever) and just try to push through the horrible social awkwardness of people saying "Hey, I noticed you did a new thing." After a while it may become easier for you to let them see you outwardly change in whatever way you want.

Lame analogy time:
I really struggle with this "people noticing me do new things" crap, too, especially at work, so I decided to do a little exposure therapy on myself by wearing a tie in my office one day. I wanted to prove to myself that I could handle the attention. There are only like 2 or 3 other people who wear ties, so I definitely stood out. A couple of people said nice things to me. Then one guy made a joke about me looking like a dork, in front of about a dozen other people who all laughed, which prompted me to hide in the bathroom for like 20 minutes. Blush
But you know what, I made it through rest of the day just fine, and I wore that damn tie the next day, too, and no one said a thing. What's the takeaway? Most people are just living in their own little worlds, largely oblivious to what other people are doing with their lives, so I can do the same. People might say hurtful things to me, but its not because they truly give a shit about anything I've done. They're just looking out for themselves. If someone doesn't like the way I look, that's entirely their problem, not mine.

You've just identified an (at least) office bully and his sycophants. And you are right about that last bit. It is their problem, as long as they don't make it your problem. Cue religious nutters.
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22-08-2016, 08:09 PM (This post was last modified: 22-08-2016 08:17 PM by Dom.)
RE: Coming out + give me tips?
What exactly do you want to wear to work? And what do you normally wear?

No telling how shocking it would be to some without the details.

Male jeans and Tshirt - I doubt anyone will blink. I run around like that a lot.

Short hair - wow, you got a hair cut. Remarks but that's it.

The more you get into formal wear though, the more obvious it becomes.

P.s. Changing names is very hard on some people (me! ). I have TS friends - male to female - and every time I talk to/about them I have to come to a full stop, think, and then say a name that means nothing to me. And even just a female friend who simply changed her name from Susie to Susanne - drives me bonkers. I have known her for decades and she is Susie in my brain. I have to stop and translate. I hate when people change their names, my little brain gets confused.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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22-08-2016, 08:21 PM
RE: Coming out + give me tips?
I'm sure when dancefortwo gets here she will have some great insight for you.

I agree with the othe poster above (the neck tie), make one small change, at first some might notice it, just keep at it daily and then it will be considered your new 'normal'.

Although if you are the type that likes to rip bandaids off, do it on a Friday. Let the shock hit them, answer whatever questions you are comfortable answering, then go home for the weekend and let everyone wrap their heads around the idea and then go in Monday and be you.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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23-08-2016, 12:55 AM
RE: Coming out + give me tips?
(22-08-2016 05:40 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I have no experience along these lines and really no advice...just this...I like you just the way you are. Smile

+1 from me, Leela. Thumbsup

D.
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23-08-2016, 01:45 AM
RE: Coming out + give me tips?
Hi Leela
I don't know why I'm posting, as...I don't really see the problem. Of course, I'm not bi or trans, so I can't begin to see this from your perspective, but you said your other half is understanding and accepting, and your employer is pretty easygoing, so...do what you do! Why worry about what some juice box with a loud mouth thinks? Good grief, you have one life, don't spend it worrying about those bagel heads and their silly notions and prejudices!
I may not be bi or trans, but I walk my own path, and do things my way, regardless of popular opinion. I learned a long time ago, there is a secret to being different, successfully. Just own it. That's it. Do what you do, walk like you are comfortable doing it, talk like you are comfortable doing it, and people won't give you a second thought. Assholes like that juice box at work tend to have a sort of radar for weakness or insecurity, it's how abusive men always seem to find submissive women to dominate. So practice exuding confidence, whatever you're doing. Fake it for awhile, and I guarantee it will become real.
When I was in pilot training in the air force, they taught us a concept called "forced relaxation". You can google it, there's a lot associated with the name, but in practice, for combat pilots, it came down to making yourself LOOK relaxed. If you walk into a squadron ready room, you'll see pilots draped over chairs, lying on the floor, sprawled on the couch...because making your body go through the motions of being relaxed causes you to actually relax. Same concept- look and act confident in your new manner of dress or hairstyle or whatever, and it will cause you to feel more confident. Or, more simply...own it. Smile When you do, nobody will give you any grief...or even notice, probably.

I don't know if that is any help or not, but I hope so. Wink

Might I ask you a question? Something you said made me curious, and I'm not very up on what's appropriate and what's not when talking to someone trans who you recently met on a forum dedicated to people who don't believe in a supreme being, lol...so I'll ask, and if it's too personal just tell me, no sweat. ok?

You said you weren't interested in having surgery and that it was usually the result of pressure to fit in..? Really? I would never have guessed that. A big part of being male (no double entendre intended Smile )is having our...equipment. I mean, surely you've noticed how preoccupied we are with it, especially as younger guys! I would assume women who felt like men would really want to experience that feeling, because it is a sort of power...it's hard to explain, but it's similar to what I feel playing guitar onstage with a wall of Marshall amps behind me, it's...like an inherent challenge to the universe or something. That's probably a lousy way of explaining it...but it's not easy to explain, which is why I would think trans women or...men? Ah...women who id as men...would want to feel that.
I have often wondered what sex would feel like from a woman's perspective. I'd love to trade in my equipment for a few hours, if it were an easy transition, lol. I have a close friend named Darrel Bain who is a writer, you can find his books on Amazon. He wrote a book called The Sex Gates, where these doorways pop up all over the world, overnight, with no explanation. Turns out, when you walk through, you change sexes. Walk through again, you change back. The gates just remain, no explanation, no instructions, nothing. Darrell explores the impact on society and how people are affected by the gates, how relationships are affected, etc. It's a great read, as are all his books. I'm male and want to remain that way, but if a chance like that came about, where I could change back after satisfying my curiosity, I'd be through that doorway in a second! Not to mention, it would almost surely make me a better lover. Big Grin

Ok, hope I haven't offended or embarrassed! As my daughters will tell you, I'm comfortable talking about anything with anyone, and I forget that most people aren't. I only have good intentions, rest assured. Angel
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