Coming out to family
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20-01-2013, 06:29 PM (This post was last modified: 21-01-2013 09:09 AM by kingschosen.)
Coming out to family
I see so many people talking about how horrible they are treated by family when they come out as an atheist. I can't imagine what that is like, to have your mother or father say horrible things about you and then turn their back on you. I was fortunate enough(I guess) that my mother did not respond that way. I broke her heart. She cried and tried to give a good reason why I was wrong. She could not argue with my responses and said her pastor could explain it better. I looked in her eyes and realized that if I convinced her I was right that there is no God I would ruin any reason she had to live or be happy. I love her and couldn't do it. I still think she prays for me and worries constantly that I will go to hell. Not what I want for her by any means. I think now maybe I should have left it alone. Any thoughts? Anybody?
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20-01-2013, 07:34 PM
RE: Coming ou to family
I'm deciding on whether or not to tell my family. I made a post below yours that you may want to read.

This may not help you now, but I certainly think you should have left it alone. Unless there are some other circumstances that would require for you to come out to her, I would have just been quiet. I know you will have a hard time convincing her to your side, but she will have even a harder time convincing you to her side. The responses I hear for my arguments against a God are pitiable. I know they don't have a good reason, but they're just holding onto it. Who am I to come stop them? If it makes them happy, that's great.

I don't know if I could give any advice to you. I would make the argument to your mother that if there was a God, he wouldn't send atheists to hell just because they have sincere doubts. If they are good people and follow most of the commands of the bible (don't steal, don't lie etc...), then would a just God really send you to hell? That should console her I'd think.

Any way, best of luck to you.
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20-01-2013, 07:48 PM
RE: Coming ou to family
It is hard to know how people will respond to this kind of news. I feel like it was selfish of me to tell her because I know my Mom and I know she is not religous for any other reason than it has brought peace and joy to her life. But somewhere inside of me I feel I deserve to be heard. My beliefs should be excepted just like hers. I shouldn't have to shut up to keep people happy. Still I feel you are right. I appreciate your input and think I should rethink my reasons for wanting her to know.
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20-01-2013, 08:04 PM
RE: Coming ou to family
We have two choices in life. Either live honestly and with integrity to that which we know to be true or live the script someone else has written for our lives. You are responsible for your happiness and your mother is responsible for hers.
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20-01-2013, 08:14 PM
RE: Coming ou to family
bbeljefe, I agree with your sentiment--we are each responsible for our own happiness. It's a peculiar condition of the human species that we we care about how others feel about us. We also have a tendency to want to be loved and respected by our own families. Taking this into consideration, our happiness is somewhat dependent on the happiness and attitudes of those we care about.

Living with honesty and integrity is important too. This is by no means an easy solution, but I think we ought to give greater weight to the happiness of our parents.
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20-01-2013, 08:43 PM
RE: Coming ou to family
"~but I think we ought to give greater weight to the happiness of our parents."

How much weight do they give to your happiness?
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20-01-2013, 10:08 PM
RE: Coming ou to family
It differs from person to person, situation to situation. It is not as easy as "We have two choices in life. Either live honestly and with integrity to that which we know to be true or live the script someone else has
written for our lives." bs. This isn't the middle ages and we are not knights, we do not have to uphold the chivalry law.

What it really comes down to is you waying up the pros and cons and making a choice off that.
Yes, you shouldn't have to keep the way you are a secret because others might not like it, but at the same time you have to accept that people might not like it. You have to ask, is it more important to you for other people to be happy/satisfied/blissfully-unaware or for your story to be herd.

The reason I don't come out to people (as gay, not atheist. The whole world knows I'm atheist. But with the whole gay thing, from the stories I've read, I can relate) is because I know the drama it would cause and I can't be bothered dealing with it.

Also remember, it is far far easier for other people to say "you should be who you are and shout it from the roof tops" and quote cliche' bullshit when it is not their lives that is effected.

I don't talk gay, I don't walk gay, it's like people don't even know I'm gay unless I'm blowing them.
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20-01-2013, 10:19 PM
RE: Coming ou to family
"The reason I don't come out to people is because I know the drama it would cause and I can't be bothered dealing with it."

So you chose the latter. Nothing wrong with that if that's what you think is best for you.
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20-01-2013, 10:24 PM
RE: Coming ou to family
You are the best judge in the particular matter, it's you that knows your mother and yourself. No disrespect to bbeljefe, but you don't have to share everything with everyone in order to be happy, and you are no less of a person for compartmentalizing your life, everyone does it, including him/her to some degree. Either way at this point it will do no good to second guess what has already happened, instead focus on what you should do to make the best of the situation you are already in. I wouldn't recommend lying at this point, just let her know you are the same person you have always been, and you still love her very much. Explain rationally that nothing has changed and that you just simply do not share the same religious views that she has. Good luck!

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20-01-2013, 10:30 PM
RE: Coming ou to family
(20-01-2013 10:19 PM)bbeljefe Wrote:  "The reason I don't come out to people is because I know the drama it would cause and I can't be bothered dealing with it."

So you chose the latter. Nothing wrong with that if that's what you think is best for you.

Yes I aware there is nothing wrong with it.
I do not need your approval.

I don't talk gay, I don't walk gay, it's like people don't even know I'm gay unless I'm blowing them.
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