Coming out to family
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20-01-2013, 10:37 PM
RE: Coming ou to family
"I do not need your approval."

I'm sorry, did I give the impression that I was meting out approval?
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20-01-2013, 11:01 PM
RE: Coming ou to family
I really appreciate all of your thoughts. I guess I think that my Moms peace and happiness at the age of 76 is more important than my own. I know she has put mine ahead of hers more times than I can count. I also think it keeps me from being as close to her as I would like. I can't hide who I am especially to her so I avoid any meaningful conversation. No easy answers here. I am lucky to have her and will spend the time we have left not making an issue of something we can't resolve. I owe her that much.
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21-01-2013, 08:45 AM
RE: Coming ou to family
(20-01-2013 11:01 PM)kitkerri Wrote:  I really appreciate all of your thoughts. I guess I think that my Moms peace and happiness at the age of 76 is more important than my own. I know she has put mine ahead of hers more times than I can count. I also think it keeps me from being as close to her as I would like. I can't hide who I am especially to her so I avoid any meaningful conversation. No easy answers here. I am lucky to have her and will spend the time we have left not making an issue of something we can't resolve. I owe her that much.
Hey, you're nice Smile My Mama's a bit the same. She's finally come around to the idea though - the major problem turned out in her case to be that she thought I'd sink new levels of immorality. However I told her that I can be good sans deity and any deity worth his salt would forgive me for not believing in him but being a 'good' person all the same. Having accepted this, she didn't conclude that God is not a nice guy, she concluded that God is nice therefore he won't do nasty things to nice people like me - I didn't stress that this is more or less in direct contradiction with the Bible, and we're all happy Smile She has also previously concluded that homosexuality is definitely allowed and many other wonderful things, on the basis that deep down she is actually pretty sensible - but she just doesn't let go of the religion completely.
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21-01-2013, 11:54 AM
RE: Coming out to family
Yeah. I can imagine it would be a very hard situation. I sympathize with your problem. I am very much the same kind of person who cares (probably too much) what my mother thinks of me and I worry very much about her happiness....at the same time...she's always said my happiness needs to come first to me, and that shes happy as long as I'M happy.

I get wanting your mother to be happy. But it would be kind of selfish of her to demand you live a lie so that she can feel good. I think if you show her how much better you feel being honest that she will come around and not be as worried about you. Obviously her worry comes from a good place in her heart. But we also can't control the lives of our children.

"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use." Soren Kierkegaard
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21-01-2013, 12:09 PM
RE: Coming out to family
Just my two cents. I don't think it's a matter of whose happiness is more important. Not an either/or situation. To me, it's more about what course of action will cause the least amount of pain. And to religious people the thought that the ones they love the most are going to hell, is, doubtless, extremely painful.

No need to beat yourself up, though. I say, try to think of ways to make it easier for her to accept it. I know people say all those things about not living a lie (whatever that may mean - no one can know us 100%, so does this mean we all are living a lie? There are things no one knows - or can know - about us), but to me, personally, the pain of people nearing the end of their life, is more difficult to handle, than that of younger people, so I try to avoid causing it.

I, for example, will never tell my dad I'm an atheist, unless he becomes one, too. No need to hurt him or have him worry about me.

Like I said, what's done's done, don't be too hard on yourself and try to make it work for both of you. Good luck Smile

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderĂ²."
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21-01-2013, 01:41 PM
RE: Coming out to family
"I know people say all those things about not living a lie (whatever that
may mean - no one can know us 100%, so does this mean we all are living
a lie?"


Not living a lie would include refusing to agree that god saved uncle Bob from being killed in a car wreck while at the same time not giving him credit for the plight of the two year old girl who was raped by her mother's live in boyfriend. It doesn't mean that we have to announce to the family that we've masturbated six times this week. Confused

Ultimately, its really whatever makes you feel comfortable. If you can be happy going to a church and pretending to eat the flesh and drink the blood of a dead zombie, then by all means tag along for the fun. But if not, don't sacrifice your own happiness and peace of mind. It isn't a right or wrong decision.
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21-01-2013, 01:48 PM
RE: Coming out to family
(21-01-2013 01:41 PM)bbeljefe Wrote:  "I know people say all those things about not living a lie (whatever that
may mean - no one can know us 100%, so does this mean we all are living
a lie?"


Not living a lie would include refusing to agree that god saved uncle Bob from being killed in a car wreck while at the same time not giving him credit for the plight of the two year old girl who was raped by her mother's live in boyfriend. It doesn't mean that we have to announce to the family that we've masturbated six times this week. Confused

Ultimately, its really whatever makes you feel comfortable. If you can be happy going to a church and pretending to eat the flesh and drink the blood of a dead zombie, then by all means tag along for the fun. But if not, don't sacrifice your own happiness and peace of mind. It isn't a right or wrong decision.
We really have no idea if her 76-year-old mother is making her do all those things though, do we? All I'm saying is, every situation is different. There is no wrong or right choice. Every family and person is different.

Like I said, I'd choose sparing an (elderly) person that I love needless pain (provided that it doesn't come at too great a cost to myself, obviously, like accepting fundamentalism, bigotry, etc.) over some idealistic notion of staying true to myself any day of the week. But people are different.

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderĂ²."
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24-01-2013, 02:21 PM
RE: Coming out to family
I'm not sure if I will ever come out. Of I do, it won't be until after my grandmother passes away. I'm not sure how my mother will react, but I know I'll lose most of my friends. It's not an easy decision.
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26-01-2013, 11:02 AM
RE: Coming out to family
Dan Barker's book Godless is a great deconversion story of a former minister who of course made his living in religion. It's a good read and he,discusses reactions of family and friends once he decided he couldn't do this anymore. He had a wife and kids as well.

Most of us here, as said above, have to decide for themselves whether to come out or not. We want to consider our family members' happiness, but at the same time we should not have to stuff ourselves down either. I'm lucky in that my mother is not religious, and many family members who are do not feel they have the right to stuff it down other people's throats. They think our being family is more important and the matter does not even come up in conversation. I did have to tell my church of god brother since he kept asking. I told him do not share his beliefs but my love for him is the same.

It's no easy thing, but whatever you do, do it with compassion and respect.

Godless in the Magnolia State
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26-01-2013, 11:04 AM
RE: Coming out to family
Just tell them that you share many other things with them, but not this one.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
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