Compatibility issues
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13-07-2016, 03:43 PM
Compatibility issues
First some background:
My son and his girlfriend, who are both university students, lived together for a year before they both left for Europe on an academic exchange for 6 months. This year of living together was pretty independent: he did his thing, she did hers, no real stress in their lives.
The first month in Europe they described as "hell" because they were on the same course and they couldn't stand being together 24-7. Each came close to quitting and running back home a few times. Somehow they worked it out and stayed on, and eventually enjoyed their time in Europe, travelling etc.

Here's the question: I feel that there are serious compatibility issues that living together 24-7 under stressful conditions brought to the fore, and that this does not bode well for their relationship. My son argues that anyone would have had a hard time living together 24-7 in those conditions and the fact that they somehow persevered is proof that they should be together.

I should add that they are young (22) and neither has dated very many people, but they seem quite serious (which scares me).

What say you?

Your faith is not evidence, your opinion is not fact, and your bias is not wisdom
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13-07-2016, 03:49 PM
RE: Compatibility issues
I think it's going to be a wait and see thing. Any problems that they had in Europe will either go away on their own now that they have de-stressed from living abroad and schoolwork or will only get worse now that they are home. I think they will figure out one way or the other fairly quickly if the problem was the situation they were in or the rship itself.
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13-07-2016, 03:54 PM
RE: Compatibility issues
I say if they made it through being together in an unfamiliar situation 24/7 they probably have a great chance of making it.

Give them a chance. Most couples aren't together 24/7...between working and other activities time together is usually much more limited.

Seems to me they have met quite a challenge and figured it out. Thumbsup

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13-07-2016, 04:01 PM
RE: Compatibility issues
(13-07-2016 03:54 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I say if they made it through being together in an unfamiliar situation 24/7 they probably have a great chance of making it.

Give them a chance. Most couples aren't together 24/7...between working and other activities time together is usually much more limited.

Seems to me they have met quite a challenge and figured it out. Thumbsup

Thanks for your reply.
My concern is that stressful situations (especially child rearing) will bring out the worst of their incompatibility issues. (They have little in common, and their values really don't mesh: I worry that they're together because they don't know any better ...)
When things go south, they could stick it out, but they could be miserable doing so ...

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13-07-2016, 04:04 PM
RE: Compatibility issues
(13-07-2016 04:01 PM)Reducetarian Wrote:  
(13-07-2016 03:54 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I say if they made it through being together in an unfamiliar situation 24/7 they probably have a great chance of making it.

Give them a chance. Most couples aren't together 24/7...between working and other activities time together is usually much more limited.

Seems to me they have met quite a challenge and figured it out. Thumbsup

Thanks for your reply.
My concern is that stressful situations (especially child rearing) will bring out the worst of their incompatibility issues. (They have little in common, and their values really don't mesh: I worry that they're together because they don't know any better ...)
When things go south, they could stick it out, but they could be miserable doing so ...

They are only 22 and there's a lot of learnin' goes on in your twenties, for many people.

It's great that you are concerned but one thing about grown kids is that you have to let them learn things and make mistakes themselves. Their incompatibilities may actually be the strengths of one that the other lacks. That's not a bad thing.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat

Are my Chakras on straight?
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13-07-2016, 04:10 PM
RE: Compatibility issues
(13-07-2016 04:04 PM)Anjele Wrote:  
(13-07-2016 04:01 PM)Reducetarian Wrote:  Thanks for your reply.
My concern is that stressful situations (especially child rearing) will bring out the worst of their incompatibility issues. (They have little in common, and their values really don't mesh: I worry that they're together because they don't know any better ...)
When things go south, they could stick it out, but they could be miserable doing so ...

They are only 22 and there's a lot of learnin' goes on in your twenties, for many people.

It's great that you are concerned but one thing about grown kids is that you have to let them learn things and make mistakes themselves. Their incompatibilities may actually be the strengths of one that the other lacks. That's not a bad thing.

I do agree that I need to sit back and let them figure it out; so long as their mistakes don't result in unhappy children being born, I'm all for learning.

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13-07-2016, 04:21 PM
RE: Compatibility issues
(13-07-2016 04:10 PM)Reducetarian Wrote:  
(13-07-2016 04:04 PM)Anjele Wrote:  They are only 22 and there's a lot of learnin' goes on in your twenties, for many people.

It's great that you are concerned but one thing about grown kids is that you have to let them learn things and make mistakes themselves. Their incompatibilities may actually be the strengths of one that the other lacks. That's not a bad thing.

I do agree that I need to sit back and let them figure it out; so long as their mistakes don't result in unhappy children being born, I'm all for learning.

My older daughter and her husband are an interesting couple. If you were to meet them you would wonder how they became a couple in the first place and how in the world they are still together after about 15 years. He was about 19 when they met and she was 24, I think.

These two appear to be polar opposites on so many levels. But what one is lousy at the other one is great at and vice versa. Somehow it works. Now it hasn't always been smooth sailing but they have managed to keep it together in spite of some pretty troubling times.

They have a daughter who will be 11 next month. While she makes me a little crazy - that's probably because I am old and impatient - she is doing well and they are very active, involved parents who work together well where raising her is concerned. Surprisingly, my SIL has taken on the major roll of caregiver. He's actually better at it than my daughter who wanted a house full of kids (till she had one).

Sometimes I am surprised that things go as well as they do in their house.

Now and then you just have to hope you gave them the tools they need to make it in this world.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat

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13-07-2016, 04:45 PM
RE: Compatibility issues
I'd say 22 is young, but old enough to make your own mistake. I hope things go well for all. The nice thing at this point might be that the kids cwn explore, if they want, without making irrevocable commitments.
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13-07-2016, 05:03 PM
RE: Compatibility issues
(13-07-2016 03:43 PM)Reducetarian Wrote:  What say you?

Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. No telling. IMHO, any attempt to dissuade them would just reinforce their stance. Remember when somebody told you "She/He is not good enough for you" or "You guys should ..." ?

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13-07-2016, 06:11 PM
RE: Compatibility issues
Certainly, I may be over-reacting: I hope so.
Guess I'll just have to wait and see ... Thanks to everyone for your responses.

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