Conflicted
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16-03-2014, 07:40 AM
Conflicted
So I think about coming out a lot. I have my pro's v con's list in my head but I just want third party opinions on the matter.

It doesn't effect me at all to not come out. I'm not gonna be like some 40-something year old with a wife and 1 and a quarter kids and than come out. It's not an issue to not come out. The reason I'm not out is because I know it doesn't effect me if I don't come out, but if I do I know people in my life are gonna take issue with it and I don't want it to be that defining topic of conversation thing whenever I'm in the room.

I guess I'm conflicted though because I think by not coming out I guess I'm letting them win. By not saying it's not ok it's like I'm saying it is ok.
Further, if they have issue with it that's their issue, the issue they have is that they're still living in the 50's and why should I accommodate that? That's not my fault. BUT, while that sounds good on paper, in real life it's a different story because yes it's their issue, but I'm the one that get's the consequences of their issues.

I dunno.

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16-03-2014, 07:49 AM
RE: Conflicted
Are you in a relationship with someone right now?
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16-03-2014, 07:51 AM
RE: Conflicted
(16-03-2014 07:40 AM)earmuffs Wrote:  So I think about coming out a lot. I have my pro's v con's list in my head but I just want third party opinions on the matter.

It doesn't effect me at all to not come out. I'm not gonna be like some 40-something year old with a wife and 1 and a quarter kids and than come out. It's not an issue to not come out. The reason I'm not out is because I know it doesn't effect me if I don't come out, but if I do I know people in my life are gonna take issue with it and I don't want it to be that defining topic of conversation thing whenever I'm in the room.

I guess I'm conflicted though because I think by not coming out I guess I'm letting them win. By not saying it's not ok it's like I'm saying it is ok.
Further, if they have issue with it that's their issue, the issue they have is that they're still living in the 50's and why should I accommodate that? That's not my fault. BUT, while that sounds good on paper, in real life it's a different story because yes it's their issue, but I'm the one that get's the consequences of their issues.

I dunno.

Depends on what role in your life is played by those who have the issues.

If it's going to make your life miserable, and not being out doesn't bother you, then you might as well wait the short time it will be before you are independent.

Under such circumstances you would only be punishing yourself by coming out.

However, sometimes people can surprise you - they may be indoctrinated to have issues, but when it concerns someone they love, it gives cause for thought and a lot of people change their minds based on that. That may take some time of reflection for them, but it does happen quite a lot that way.

Plus society at large has become much more open to this, so there is that to help...

I am assuming you are talking about being gay, you never said. If you mean coming out as atheist, my answer would have been different.

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16-03-2014, 07:54 AM
RE: Conflicted
Hard to say for a straight white guy who lives in a predominantly white area. ... I'm from the 'normal' demographic. I suppose my 3rd party opinion would be this mate.

How much do you see your openness of your sexuality as a defining aspect of your social behaviour? If keeping it quiet means you can't be yourself around certain people, to the point where it bothers you, maybe come out. If you are private about your sex life anyway and you are more inclined to think of it as not so important in terms of how you behave around people. Then it's a none issue either way. ... Easy for me to say though I suppose Smile

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16-03-2014, 07:56 AM
RE: Conflicted
What dom said

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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16-03-2014, 08:00 AM
RE: Conflicted
My dearest and oldest friend came out to his extremely, extremely religious family and was pleasantly surprised at how much support he received. He couldn't hide the fact that he had moved in with another man, bought a home and vacationed together. He did wait until circumstances made it impossible NOT to come out to all his family. He had taken his closest sibling into his confidence years before and that provided some relief for lack of a better word.

So what I'm saying is not everyone needs to know all at one shot and not everyone needs to know immediately.

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16-03-2014, 08:04 AM
RE: Conflicted
Just a thought...seems to me it would be easier to come out to those close to you and have the time to work things through instead of waiting till you meet someone and then having to either come out with that big news or having to hide your feelings.

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16-03-2014, 08:58 AM
RE: Conflicted
My answer is obvious.

People shouldn't have to hide who they are. It feels okay now maybe, living in comfort of an unsaid truth. But later you may come to hate that you never said anything "sooner" or at all.

I say be loud and proud sunshine. Smile
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16-03-2014, 09:31 AM
RE: Conflicted
(16-03-2014 07:40 AM)earmuffs Wrote:  So I think about coming out a lot. I have my pro's v con's list in my head but I just want third party opinions on the matter.

It doesn't effect me at all to not come out. I'm not gonna be like some 40-something year old with a wife and 1 and a quarter kids and than come out. It's not an issue to not come out. The reason I'm not out is because I know it doesn't effect me if I don't come out, but if I do I know people in my life are gonna take issue with it and I don't want it to be that defining topic of conversation thing whenever I'm in the room.

I guess I'm conflicted though because I think by not coming out I guess I'm letting them win. By not saying it's not ok it's like I'm saying it is ok.
Further, if they have issue with it that's their issue, the issue they have is that they're still living in the 50's and why should I accommodate that? That's not my fault. BUT, while that sounds good on paper, in real life it's a different story because yes it's their issue, but I'm the one that get's the consequences of their issues.

I dunno.



Yanno, Muffs, it's easy for me to sit here at my table and type "Come Out" since I strongly support gay/civil rights. But I also know that I type from my middle-income, comfy, middle-America, white, male-female marriage. I support whichever decision you feel works best for your situation. On one hand of course I say 'come out' and be simply proud of who you are. Individualism is far more supported these days than 20 yrs ago. But on the other hand I really don't know how coming out will affect you directly. Some say come out now before a sincere relationship but I've seen significant relationships help with the appreciation and understanding.....so.....
The only person who can reach this conclusion is you for no one understands better than you what it means in your life.
Again I support whichever way you want to go. I don't live in your skin so I can only be a friend understanding that you'll do what's best for you.

One thing I do feel Very strongly about = don't let anyone judge you should you decide to put off coming out. Being human is very simply organic. Things I was strong about 20 yrs ago I don't much trek these days. Some things that weren't important to me 20 yrs ago are paramount today. We are organic and individual, beautiful creatures making our way through life the best we can. And judging one another should take a backseat to helping, appreciating and accepting one another.

You do whatever works best for you - today. Tomorrow can be something else.
Real people, real friends will understand that.

Heart

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16-03-2014, 09:50 AM
RE: Conflicted
(16-03-2014 09:31 AM)WitchSabrina Wrote:  You do whatever works best for you - today. Tomorrow can be something else.
Real people, real friends will understand that.

Heart

This is advice i wish i had 10 years ago, and to echo an earlier post, not every one has to know right away, or all at once. I came out in stages, first to those i was closest with then the rest of the people.

Ultimately though its your choice as to whether or not you do it, and if you do how you do it.

The requirement of evidence to back your claim does not disappear because it hurts your feelings, reality does not care about your feefees.
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