Considering suicide. Over it.
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19-12-2016, 07:43 AM
RE: Considering suicide. Over it.
(19-12-2016 06:59 AM)Banjo Wrote:  It's weird. I've kind of been in bed for 2 1/2 years.

Talk about out of the loop. Smile

It's okay now. I have had this sensation before. I think it is just part of whatever is wrong. That chemo was harsh.

I had plenty of chances in the hospital to die. I never took one. It's kind of boring in hospital for a year. Especially when in isolation.

I am going to talk about my brain when I see the specialist later this week. I also have the infection from the picc line in my chest. That too must mess with the head.

You've come this far, I trust you'll take those last few hurdles of regaining normalcy.

I understand all about "the bubble". Hubby was in that bubble for several months as I was watching over him. Hospitals are a world of their own, you end up feeling that the outside was all a dream and doesn't really exist.

You have been in that bubble for a long time, and now you are out in stark reality and the light hurts your eyes. You've lost function, everyone loses function in the bubble. You'll get it back. Losing function is normal. Hang in there, you are so close now...

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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19-12-2016, 10:39 AM (This post was last modified: 19-12-2016 11:17 AM by skyking.)
RE: Considering suicide. Over it.
(19-12-2016 06:59 AM)Banjo Wrote:  It's weird. I've kind of been in bed for 2 1/2 years.

Talk about out of the loop. Smile

It's okay now. I have had this sensation before. I think it is just part of whatever is wrong. That chemo was harsh.

I had plenty of chances in the hospital to die. I never took one. It's kind of boring in hospital for a year. Especially when in isolation.

I am going to talk about my brain when I see the specialist later this week. I also have the infection from the picc line in my chest. That too must mess with the head.
Yes it does!
I don't know at what age it happens, but as we get older the way the body processes an infection changes. Suddenly an infection can bring on these dementia-like symptoms. You will be really whacked. I saw it with my brother in law, he was saying all sorts of nonsense when we got him to the hospital and for a while thereafter, and just as fast as it was on him, it was gone.
Your feeling a bit better in the head today may indeed be a direct result of you kicking the infection back a bit.

EDIT: I am not saying I think you are saying all sorts of nonsense, but damn he sure was Tongue whacky things like they needed to route his catheter back into his veins, and other bizarre statements "of fact" regarding his care.
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19-12-2016, 10:45 AM
RE: Considering suicide. Over it.
Glad to hear you've reconsidered buddy.

My opinions on suicide are mixed. On the one hand I don't see how you can fully appreciate being if you haven't seriously considered not being. On the other hand, I'm with Sartre,"“The absurd man will not commit suicide; he wants to live, without relinquishing any of his certainty, without a future, without hope, without illusions … and without resignation either. He stares at death with passionate attention and this fascination liberates him. He experiences the “divine irresponsibility” of the condemned man.” Pain, however, could easily sway my opinion.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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19-12-2016, 11:10 AM
RE: Considering suicide. Over it.
I'm glad you are doing better today Banjo. We're always here for you no matter what *hugs* Please always reach out to us if you need to.
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19-12-2016, 11:35 AM
RE: Considering suicide. Over it.
I'm so sorry I've only now seen this.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You have extraordinary willpower and strength. Many others wouldn't have made it as far as you.

No doubt the chemo has wrought havoc on your system. A dear coworker went through near the same thing. It was hard to watch, but at least I could give her hugs and support. I wish I could do more here.

It's good that you're feeling better now, though an infection probably isn't helping at all. Be sure to take care of yourself and know that these feelings are temporary. Infections can make you feel all sorts of ways, and considering you're still recovering from chemo, it probably sucks even more.

I'm rooting for you, always.

Hug

Ignorance is not to be ignored.

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19-12-2016, 11:37 AM
RE: Considering suicide. Over it.
I've told you before that I prefer the crazier version of you, anyway. Big Grin

We all get older and wear down, especially if we're put through hell. I mean c'mon, man, I'm only 40 and I've already fallen way off from the sharpness of mind I once enjoyed... possibly due to my own cancer treatments (which pale in comparison to what you went through) and possibly due to my PTSD-induced sleep issues, and likely other factors. I find myself frustrated that I can't "just" do what used to come so easily for me.

Thanks to people like you guys, I'm sometimes reminded that I still have a mind of which 99% of the world would be jealous. Banjo, you have a mind of which I find myself in deep envy, from time to time. And the times when your brain isn't right, your sense of humor makes me enjoy it just as much.

I believe that the right to end one's own life is part and parcel of the most basic right to bodily integrity and self-determination, and so I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you that I think you're experiencing depression (understandably!) and thus exaggerating the importance of the problems you're having in the wake of your treatments (and, I hate to say it, advancing age), and should definitely not make any decisions rashly or without consulting others.

I can say that if you choose the exit door, I will feel the world has lost something precious and irreplaceable, and desperately needed around here... but that's not for us to determine, however much we'll miss you.

Just know that you have any and all support you want, at any time you need it. If you need to talk, PM me and I'll send you my phone number, Skype, whatever. Any hour (with the PTSD stuff, I'm probably up anyway) of any day.

We love you, brother. I do not say it lightly.

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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19-12-2016, 11:43 AM (This post was last modified: 19-12-2016 12:24 PM by Anjele.)
RE: Considering suicide. Over it.
Banjo,
Get that infection looked at. I know your immune system is crooked (as you might say) so it's really important that gets taken care of.

My aunt, who was a nurse, once told me that it can take the body up to a year to recover from even a simple surgical procedure. You have had strong, strange chemicals feeding through you and mixing everything up for a long, long time. Your recovery from the cure is going to take a while.

Your body has been poked, prodded, breached, tested, and cooked in a chemical stew for much longer than many people could stand. Give your body and your mind time to recover and accept that things are going to be different...maybe not better or worse, just different. You now have to adapt to those differences.

Occupy your mind, get good rest, don't ignore medical issues, and get better!

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

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19-12-2016, 11:47 AM
RE: Considering suicide. Over it.
(19-12-2016 11:43 AM)Anjele Wrote:  Banjo,
Get that infection looked at. I know your immune system is crooked (as you might say) so it's really important that gets taken care of.

My aunt, who was a nurse, once told me that it can take the body up to a year to recover from even a simple surgical procedure. You have had strong, strange chemicals feeding through you and mixing everything up for a long, long time. Your recovery from the cure is going to take some a while.

Your body has been poked, prodded, breached, tested, and cooked in a chemical stew for much longer than many people could stand. Give your body and your mind time to recover and accept that things are going to be different...maybe not better or worse, just different. You now have to adapt to those differences.

Occupy your mind, get good rest, don't ignore medical issues, and get better!

Agreed. I know you said you are seeing a specialist later in the week, but it would be a good idea to get it looked at sooner.
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19-12-2016, 12:38 PM
RE: Considering suicide. Over it.
I'm at a loss for words. I just hope you will start feeling better soon. Hug

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19-12-2016, 01:23 PM
RE: Considering suicide. Over it.
Banjo,

I'm glad you're still here. Too many people commit suicide impulsively and, if they had just waited another day or talked to someone first, things might have looked different.

I agree with what others have said that you have been through a lot and it's better to give yourself time to heal. Things very well may still improve. That said, you may have other bad days in the mean time. My suggestion is to decide now, that if you're seriously considering suicide again, that you will a) talk to someone about it first - either someone professional or a close friend or relative and b) will wait at least a whole day to see if things may look different the next day. Also, write those self-promises down so you can pull them out as a reminder if you are feeling suicidal again in the future. Death is permanent. You can't take it back. On the other hand, life is good (at least most of the time). So even if you're in a bad state at any given moment, it's worth giving life that one last benefit of the doubt.

Remember too that you are a highly valued member here. That leaves no doubt that you must also be highly valued among people in physical proximity to you as well. Taking your own life has consequences for others too. I'm not saying that should be the sole deciding factor - your life is your own - but just that it's a factor worth considering.

Finally, a story about my father. It's not the same situation at all, but I think it may have some relevance. My father was a very active person. He couldn't even watch TV without doing something else at the same time. He was very bright and he was an attorney. Despite being an attorney, he was one of the most ethical people I have ever known. Just before he was about to retire, he suffered a stroke which took away all functions on one side. So he could no longer walk and could no longer use his dominant arm or hand. But the worst thing was he could no longer speak. He could utter words, but he couldn't form coherent sentences. And he knew it. You could tell he still understood everything that was said to him, but couldn't reply with the words that he wanted and it frustrated him. He existed this way for almost 20 years (he is deceased now) mostly watching TV and not able to actively participate in any social circumstances in his house. Being the active person that he had always been, all of this had to be very crushing inside. Yet, every time I saw him, he had a big smile and was in good spirits. He somehow found it inside to make the best of his situation and enjoy life anyway. I think I would have withered after a year like that, but I know, if I ever have any serious health concern like that in my future, his example will give me a lot more strength.

I am not accountable to any God. I am accountable to myself - and not because I think I am God as some theists would try to assert - but because, no matter what actions I take, thoughts I think, or words I utter, I have to be able to live with myself.
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