Coping with death.
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02-12-2014, 10:43 PM
Coping with death.
There was a recent accident involving 2 school buses that were carrying elementary school age children. The last update I read indicated that 2 children and 1 adult had died and several others injured. This may have changed since then, as details were still forthcoming.

This accident happened a about 1.5 hours from where I live. While I don't know anyone that was involved, it still hurts to think of those innocent little ones and the pain and suffering their families are going through now. I can't even begin to imagine what one goes through when losing a child. How do they get through it?

As I read through the comments I see post after post of "praying" or "prayers going up". After reading I realize the majority of the comments are complete bullshit that make me want to gag and vomit. It's disgusting that these families are now going through the darkest moments of their lives and the best thing people can say is " prayers" and then go back to their own happy clappy life, as if they did their good deed for the day.

To be honest I was a "praying for you sweetie" person at one time. It made me feel better and I do believe that Christians (for the most part) like seeing those prayers the majority of the time. It helps them to know know that
their friends are thinking of them in their time of need.

So what are the alternatives? I still fight the urge to blurt out that I will be praying for someone even though I know it's complete bullshit. It's like a habit. Just curious to hear how others handle similar situations.
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02-12-2014, 11:04 PM
RE: Coping with death.
(02-12-2014 10:43 PM)TN Skeptic Wrote:  There was a recent accident involving 2 school buses that were carrying elementary school age children. The last update I read indicated that 2 children and 1 adult had died and several others injured. This may have changed since then, as details were still forthcoming.

This accident happened a about 1.5 hours from where I live. While I don't know anyone that was involved, it still hurts to think of those innocent little ones and the pain and suffering their families are going through now. I can't even begin to imagine what one goes through when losing a child. How do they get through it?

As I read through the comments I see post after post of "praying" or "prayers going up". After reading I realize the majority of the comments are complete bullshit that make me want to gag and vomit. It's disgusting that these families are now going through the darkest moments of their lives and the best thing people can say is " prayers" and then go back to their own happy clappy life, as if they did their good deed for the day.

To be honest I was a "praying for you sweetie" person at one time. It made me feel better and I do believe that Christians (for the most part) like seeing those prayers the majority of the time. It helps them to know know that
their friends are thinking of them in their time of need.

So what are the alternatives? I still fight the urge to blurt out that I will be praying for someone even though I know it's complete bullshit. It's like a habit. Just curious to hear how others handle similar situations.

Just be authentic in your words and actions. Express that you feel sorry for their loss and that it is heart breaking. Find out if there is a need (charity donations,etc) and if you can participate.

When it is someone in your circle, offer something specific. It drives me crazy when others say "call of you need something". No one in times of stress is going to call around begging for help. Find a need yourself and fulfill it. Make a meal, babysit, hold the hand, offer to drive, to pickup, to sit with the crazy uncle who can't be left alone. Just be sincere, be genuine, be involved. And if all of those things are too much, then give heartfelt words of encouragement and understanding.

The difference is in the doing, not the wishful thinking.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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02-12-2014, 11:32 PM
RE: Coping with death.
Well to me it sorta depends on what the person died from. In a bus accident there's not much you can do. But if someone died of cancer, you can give money in that person's name to cancer research. If someone's killing themselves with alcohol or other substance abuse, you can donate money to rehab centers or detox programs, or give your time in some capacity if money is tight. These are somewhat symbolic gestures, but at least you're doing something, and the people who are mourning my find some small amount of solace in the fact that you're concerned enough to pitch in somehow. Or if the bereaved are people you know well, come over and wash their dishes, mow their lawn, or cook them a meal; do some of their busy work so they can concentrate on their grief and healing.
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02-12-2014, 11:39 PM
RE: Coping with death.
You said it right there in your post.
"You are thinking of them in their time of need".
If you want to do more, you can ask if there's anything they need,send some nice flowers, etc.
Best of all, make them some food. Lots of food.
When my parents died the last thing I felt like doing was cooking.
Such a sad story, I hope the families can find a way to get through this.
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03-12-2014, 07:24 AM
RE: Coping with death.
Personally I dislike public calls and responses for prayers. If it is a person you want to support just let them know you are there if they need you and you are thinking about them. IMO people are not looking for prayers, they are looking for love and support. Sending prayers is the easy way out. If you know they are going through a rough spot make them dinner, or watch their kids so they can decompress, or something like that.

When we have friend of family going through a rough spot we are usually good for a dinner or two a week until they are better. We have also been known to run errands and pick up kids as needed.
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03-12-2014, 10:54 AM
RE: Coping with death.
Great suggestions. I freeze up when around people that are dealing with hard circumstances. Don't know why.
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03-12-2014, 12:28 PM
RE: Coping with death.
(02-12-2014 10:43 PM)TN Skeptic Wrote:  There was a recent accident involving 2 school buses that were carrying elementary school age children. The last update I read indicated that 2 children and 1 adult had died and several others injured. This may have changed since then, as details were still forthcoming.

This accident happened a about 1.5 hours from where I live. While I don't know anyone that was involved, it still hurts to think of those innocent little ones and the pain and suffering their families are going through now. I can't even begin to imagine what one goes through when losing a child. How do they get through it?

As I read through the comments I see post after post of "praying" or "prayers going up". After reading I realize the majority of the comments are complete bullshit that make me want to gag and vomit. It's disgusting that these families are now going through the darkest moments of their lives and the best thing people can say is " prayers" and then go back to their own happy clappy life, as if they did their good deed for the day.

To be honest I was a "praying for you sweetie" person at one time. It made me feel better and I do believe that Christians (for the most part) like seeing those prayers the majority of the time. It helps them to know know that
their friends are thinking of them in their time of need.

So what are the alternatives? I still fight the urge to blurt out that I will be praying for someone even though I know it's complete bullshit. It's like a habit. Just curious to hear how others handle similar situations.

My grandmother is dying right now (she only has literally days or a week). My mom is posting updates on her and people keep sending prayers. It really makes me laugh because what are they praying for? She is 87 with a very bad heart and she is totally ready to go and she has said as much. Are they praying for her to get better, comfortable, or for peace to our family? She absolutely will not get better so that is silly. If they are praying for comfort they are praying for god to make her comfortable as morphine drips into her body. The thought of never seeing her again really saddens me but I have 30 years of happy memories with her. I really don't get how prayer gives peace in this case. Personally, I am very close to my grandparents (my GP was my best man) but I take no solace in her "going home". I simply treasure the myriad of memories I have of her, that gives me peace.

Sorry, it was a bit off topic. It is just that I am dealing with an impending death at the moment and this kind of resonated with me.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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03-12-2014, 12:38 PM
RE: Coping with death.
(03-12-2014 12:28 PM)The Organic Chemist Wrote:  
(02-12-2014 10:43 PM)TN Skeptic Wrote:  There was a recent accident involving 2 school buses that were carrying elementary school age children. The last update I read indicated that 2 children and 1 adult had died and several others injured. This may have changed since then, as details were still forthcoming.

This accident happened a about 1.5 hours from where I live. While I don't know anyone that was involved, it still hurts to think of those innocent little ones and the pain and suffering their families are going through now. I can't even begin to imagine what one goes through when losing a child. How do they get through it?

As I read through the comments I see post after post of "praying" or "prayers going up". After reading I realize the majority of the comments are complete bullshit that make me want to gag and vomit. It's disgusting that these families are now going through the darkest moments of their lives and the best thing people can say is " prayers" and then go back to their own happy clappy life, as if they did their good deed for the day.

To be honest I was a "praying for you sweetie" person at one time. It made me feel better and I do believe that Christians (for the most part) like seeing those prayers the majority of the time. It helps them to know know that
their friends are thinking of them in their time of need.

So what are the alternatives? I still fight the urge to blurt out that I will be praying for someone even though I know it's complete bullshit. It's like a habit. Just curious to hear how others handle similar situations.

My grandmother is dying right now (she only has literally days or a week). My mom is posting updates on her and people keep sending prayers. It really makes me laugh because what are they praying for? She is 87 with a very bad heart and she is totally ready to go and she has said as much. Are they praying for her to get better, comfortable, or for peace to our family? She absolutely will not get better so that is silly. If they are praying for comfort they are praying for god to make her comfortable as morphine drips into her body. The thought of never seeing her again really saddens me but I have 30 years of happy memories with her. I really don't get how prayer gives peace in this case. Personally, I am very close to my grandparents (my GP was my best man) but I take no solace in her "going home". I simply treasure the myriad of memories I have of her, that gives me peace.

Sorry, it was a bit off topic. It is just that I am dealing with an impending death at the moment and this kind of resonated with me.

Hug


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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03-12-2014, 01:18 PM
RE: Coping with death.
(02-12-2014 10:43 PM)TN Skeptic Wrote:  There was a recent accident involving 2 school buses that were carrying elementary school age children. The last update I read indicated that 2 children and 1 adult had died and several others injured. This may have changed since then, as details were still forthcoming.

This accident happened a about 1.5 hours from where I live. While I don't know anyone that was involved, it still hurts to think of those innocent little ones and the pain and suffering their families are going through now. I can't even begin to imagine what one goes through when losing a child. How do they get through it?

As I read through the comments I see post after post of "praying" or "prayers going up". After reading I realize the majority of the comments are complete bullshit that make me want to gag and vomit. It's disgusting that these families are now going through the darkest moments of their lives and the best thing people can say is " prayers" and then go back to their own happy clappy life, as if they did their good deed for the day.

To be honest I was a "praying for you sweetie" person at one time. It made me feel better and I do believe that Christians (for the most part) like seeing those prayers the majority of the time. It helps them to know know that
their friends are thinking of them in their time of need.

So what are the alternatives? I still fight the urge to blurt out that I will be praying for someone even though I know it's complete bullshit. It's like a habit. Just curious to hear how others handle similar situations.

I usually say, "You will be in my thoughts"

"Belief is so often the death of reason" - Qyburn, Game of Thrones

"The Christian community continues to exist because the conclusions of the critical study of the Bible are largely withheld from them." -Hans Conzelmann (1915-1989)
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03-12-2014, 01:19 PM
RE: Coping with death.
(03-12-2014 10:54 AM)TN Skeptic Wrote:  Great suggestions. I freeze up when around people that are dealing with hard circumstances. Don't know why.

I'm totally inept in dealing with people who are having a bad time. I can listen just fine, but I have no words (until a few hours after they leave, when I'm sparked with a few deeply wise sentences I should have offered).

If I know of people who are having difficulty, I've been known to send a cheerful bouquet anonymously with "I hope this brightens your day" or "Thinking of you" on the card.

[Bonus - see how long before the gossip gets back to you - "Somebody sent X and Y flowers, and they don't know who did it." Tongue]

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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