Coping with death as an Aethist
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09-02-2014, 05:21 PM
Coping with death as an Aethist
Hi,
I'm new to this forum and I am looking for some answers. I live in the deep south and about 4 years ago I stopped keeping up appearances and lending to the fact that I believed in god or the bible. My significant other is southern Baptist so I'm constantly having to explain myself and my lack of conviction.
About 6 months ago my grandmother died who I was very close to. At the age of 22 she was the first person I'd lost that was that close to me. After hearing "she's in a better place" from a hundred relatives and family friends and replying (quietly, to myself, in my head) "no she's in a wooden box in the dirt decaying" I've had to live with my thoughts and I seem to be having a difficult time coping with her death. Sometimes I wish that I believed in god and heaven because that must be so comforting when losing someone you deeply care about. I would like some advice from a fellow free thinker on how to deal with the grief.
Thank you
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09-02-2014, 05:34 PM
RE: Coping with death as an Aethist
I am sorry to hear you lost your grandma.

That is the very thing that brought me here too - the death of my husband and the very annoying things people kept saying.

Grieving is a very odd thing, you feel and act in ways you never expected you would. It comes and goes at unexpected times and odd intervals. And while each individual will have a different experience, some things are the same, although the sequence may change from person to person.

Religion doesn't really help - people can say comforting things about them being in heaven etc, but it's not actually going to change their grief. Nothing can.

That is because the grief in not actually about the person who passed, but about the void in your own life.

What exactly is it that is troubling you about the progress of your grief?

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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09-02-2014, 05:39 PM
RE: Coping with death as an Aethist
(09-02-2014 05:21 PM)kristielee22 Wrote:  Hi,
I'm new to this forum and I am looking for some answers. I live in the deep south and about 4 years ago I stopped keeping up appearances and lending to the fact that I believed in god or the bible. My significant other is southern Baptist so I'm constantly having to explain myself and my lack of conviction.
About 6 months ago my grandmother died who I was very close to. At the age of 22 she was the first person I'd lost that was that close to me. After hearing "she's in a better place" from a hundred relatives and family friends and replying (quietly, to myself, in my head) "no she's in a wooden box in the dirt decaying" I've had to live with my thoughts and I seem to be having a difficult time coping with her death. Sometimes I wish that I believed in god and heaven because that must be so comforting when losing someone you deeply care about. I would like some advice from a fellow free thinker on how to deal with the grief.
Thank you

As long as live the people that I have lost along my journey live as well! They are alive in my thoughts, my heart and my actions! My life is a journey that will not end with my death it will continue on in the thoughts, hearts and actions of my descendants and friends!

Onward, my faithful steed!
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09-02-2014, 05:41 PM
RE: Coping with death as an Aethist
I know how you feel and I can relate to the way you're thinking that it must feel good to have that reassurance that your loved ones are somewhere waiting for you. I know I wished so many times I could believe for that reason.

It's a fact though that there's no easy way. Even Christians grieve for their loved ones who have died even if they believe in an afterlife. Dealing with death is hard, no matter what you believe.

What you can do is focus on the fact that at least your grandma lived for many years and was there for you. Think of all the things she has offered to you. These things did not go away with her death. What she has given you is precious and everlasting.

No matter how much it hurts me to think that my grandma should have seen me all grown up with a university degree and a job and give me advice to help me through all life's difficulties (she was such a smart, delightful woman), I try to think of all the things she offered to me and to others the little time she was given.

Her memory is precious to me and has changed my life. She hasn't died in my heart and that's what helps me Smile

It's still too soon, I can't tell you it will pass, but you will feel better with time.

"Behind every great pirate, there is a great butt."
-Guybrush Threepwood-
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09-02-2014, 05:49 PM
RE: Coping with death as an Aethist
@dom - my problem is at night I lie there and think of how she died and all the things I wish I could have said/done before she passed away(it was sudden) and I can't seem to get a grip on it. I cry and carry on like it's the end of the world but I'm more reasonable than that so I do my best to suck it up, but it just seems to be very difficult for me. Maybe I am just one of those people who don't cope well with death. Thank you for the insight Smile
@undergroundp @crulax - thanks so much for the kind words and advice guys. I really appreciate it and it's nice to know that there are others that feel as I do. Thanks Smile
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09-02-2014, 05:52 PM
RE: Coping with death as an Aethist
I believe that people live on in our memories and the stories we tell about them.

No god or eternal life belief required.

You will cherish the memories and share them. Smile


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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09-02-2014, 05:53 PM
RE: Coping with death as an Aethist
I'm sorry you had to experience the loss, but we all must. I lost my dad's mom at the same age as you Hug
I always took consolation that, through my genes, a part of my grandmother lives on in me Shy
I know that doesn't do it for everybody, but her children still live happy, and her grandkids are still laughing....
I think that would make her happy, so the tears may come not from a sad place, but with a smile over a memory of my time with her Smile
I hope you feel better Hug

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09-02-2014, 05:53 PM
RE: Coping with death as an Aethist
So...In my life I've seen the passing of all my Grandparents. G-fathers and G-mothers of both sides of the family.

They've all stuck me differently. I do feel for your loss and wish you and yours all the very best in your sad times.

My method? I simply remember the attitude of the ancient Egyptians.

As long as you and those close to you have your memories, then -in a way- an echo of your Grand-mother lives on. Smile

Very much cheers to all.
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09-02-2014, 06:05 PM
RE: Coping with death as an Aethist
(09-02-2014 05:49 PM)kristielee22 Wrote:  @dom - my problem is at night I lie there and think of how she died and all the things I wish I could have said/done before she passed away(it was sudden) and I can't seem to get a grip on it. I cry and carry on like it's the end of the world but I'm more reasonable than that so I do my best to suck it up, but it just seems to be very difficult for me. Maybe I am just one of those people who don't cope well with death. Thank you for the insight Smile

That is totally normal. The amount of grief you feel depends on how close you were to the person who passed, you must have been very close to your grandma. There will be others who don't feel much when their grandmother passes. It doesn't have anything to do with you as a person, only with the size of the void she left in your life.

Don't suck it up, just let it flow. If you suck it up (and yes, sometimes you have to for a bit due to other people) it just revisits you at a later date.

There will be times when you think you are over it, and - bam- it comes back. That is normal too.

Whether she is in heaven or buried underground has nothing to do at all with the grief you feel. Believers feel the same void.

I wish I had a magic wand to make it go away, but there is no such thing. You will feel sad, you will cry, eventually you will feel angry also. It is your brain trying to sort things and it happens every time you run across a trigger, something that reminds you strongly of her.

You can feel bad about her being gone, but don't ever feel bad about your reaction. It is perfectly healthy. Even your thinking that you are nuts to feel that way is completely normal.

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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09-02-2014, 07:17 PM
RE: Coping with death as an Aethist
I tell myself that if time is just another dimension then there will always be a part along that dimension where the person exists.

I don't know why but it seems to help.
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