Crossing a line.... love?
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17-07-2016, 09:24 AM (This post was last modified: 17-07-2016 09:28 AM by bemore.)
Crossing a line.... love?
One sort of personal moral I have strongly stuck to throughout my life is 'treat people how you yourself would wish to be treated'

I am very picky on women and I have a certain 'type' who I go for. I see a lot of women throughout my life who fit into the catergory of 'my type' I would go for and its mainly 80% through physical attraction with personality being the deciding factor. Recently I have started to work alongside a woman who does not particularly fall into 'my type' however my attraction to her grows through the connection that we have.

The problem is she has a boyfriend who she has been with for just over a year and this is where my personal moral comes into place. I would hate to think that people would be hitting on my partner if I was in a relationship, so in the past if I knew that this was the case, out of respect they would become 'out of bounds'

I have consciously been attempting to watch how we interact. I have up until now been 95% succesful in not flirting and have tried to be just a friend. It is actually quite difficult and it feels unnatural to do so. I'm not stupid, ive been around long enough to know the signs and I think she could be holding back as well. It's hard to describe and pinpoint but when you have that chemistry with someone... anyone who understands what I mean by that will know.... Holding each others gaze for slightly longer than usual.... matching each others body language (which is just normal anyway and no definitive indicator).... naturally gravitating towards each other throughout the day.... the way you look at each other and share knowing, arkward smile's.

One of our mutual work colleagues has picked up on this. I've never broached the subject with her but I think she recognises the chemistry and the signs, much like I or any other attentive person would do.

So my problem is, should I go against a moral I have held all my life and take a step into what could be a very tricky situation by not holding back so much and just going with the flow of things, or, should I stay respectful and keep acting the way I have been. I also try to keep relationship's and work seperate and would also be going against that rule.

So it's an age old quandary of also choosing between head and heart. There has only ever been one other time in my life I have felt like this for somebody else. It's not something I have looked for and it has taken me by surprise.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
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17-07-2016, 10:05 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
If she has a bf, I think it's best to stay away. If she is truly interested, she'll break things off with her current bf. I know it's probably not what you wanted to hear Wink
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17-07-2016, 10:09 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 09:24 AM)bemore Wrote:  One sort of personal moral I have strongly stuck to throughout my life is 'treat people how you yourself would wish to be treated'

I am very picky on women and I have a certain 'type' who I go for. I see a lot of women throughout my life who fit into the catergory of 'my type' I would go for and its mainly 80% through physical attraction with personality being the deciding factor. Recently I have started to work alongside a woman who does not particularly fall into 'my type' however my attraction to her grows through the connection that we have.

The problem is she has a boyfriend who she has been with for just over a year and this is where my personal moral comes into place. I would hate to think that people would be hitting on my partner if I was in a relationship, so in the past if I knew that this was the case, out of respect they would become 'out of bounds'

I have consciously been attempting to watch how we interact. I have up until now been 95% succesful in not flirting and have tried to be just a friend. It is actually quite difficult and it feels unnatural to do so. I'm not stupid, ive been around long enough to know the signs and I think she could be holding back as well. It's hard to describe and pinpoint but when you have that chemistry with someone... anyone who understands what I mean by that will know.... Holding each others gaze for slightly longer than usual.... matching each others body language (which is just normal anyway and no definitive indicator).... naturally gravitating towards each other throughout the day.... the way you look at each other and share knowing, arkward smile's.

One of our mutual work colleagues has picked up on this. I've never broached the subject with her but I think she recognises the chemistry and the signs, much like I or any other attentive person would do.

So my problem is, should I go against a moral I have held all my life and take a step into what could be a very tricky situation by not holding back so much and just going with the flow of things, or, should I stay respectful and keep acting the way I have been. I also try to keep relationship's and work seperate and would also be going against that rule.

So it's an age old quandary of also choosing between head and heart. There has only ever been one other time in my life I have felt like this for somebody else. It's not something I have looked for and it has taken me by surprise.

Whether she likes you back or not is not a true indicator of whether she would leave her boyfriend.
If she does leave him for you, it may indicate that she may leave you for someone else.

So, there is that.

On the other hand, if it did pan out, you'd be a ton happier in a relationship that is not primarily based on physical bodies. Unless your intent in life is to just make babies, you are going to want someone who can be an actual partner, your intellectual equal. The quality of your future sex depends on harmony and willingness to learn, explore and please, not on what your body looked like 20 years ago. When the relationship is in it's infancy, sex dominates. Later, not so much. Later it's the cherry on top.

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17-07-2016, 10:13 AM (This post was last modified: 17-07-2016 11:25 AM by DLJ.)
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 09:24 AM)bemore Wrote:  One sort of personal moral I have strongly stuck to throughout my life is 'treat people how you yourself would wish to be treated'
...

Similar for me. Except my policy is to treat other people better than I would expect to be treated.

I'm no saint. I do it because I like the feeling of moral superiority. Evil_monster

(17-07-2016 09:24 AM)bemore Wrote:  ...
So my problem is, should I go against a moral I have held all my life and take a step into what could be a very tricky situation by not holding back so much and just going with the flow of things, or, should I stay respectful and keep acting the way I have been. I also try to keep relationship's and work seperate and would also be going against that rule.

So it's an age old quandary of also choosing between head and heart. There has only ever been one other time in my life I have felt like this for somebody else. It's not something I have looked for and it has taken me by surprise.

Actually that's two ethical principles there:
1. Mixing work and play
2. Invading the 'territory' of another

Again, I'm careful with both of those too.

I've had many work-related relationships despite always trying to avoid them but yeah, chemistry, man, what can you do?

None of them ended well even though they good enough while they lasted.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I keep this policy strictly (including resisting the advances of students).

Having said that, given how much of our lives we spend at work (rather than any other social environment) an unsurprisingly large number of relationships start in the workplace. I would guess that there must be some of those that are successful.

As for the 'boyfriend' thing, that's easier... talk to her.

You don't even need to be overt about it by saying something like "I wish you didn't have a boyfriend" or "Let me know if you ever get bored with him." Big Grin

You can be much more subtle and she'll get it. Just casually ask about him ("so, what does your boyfriend do?"). She will pick up on the idea that you are fishing for information to determine how solid their relationship is. You have expressed an interest.

Now it's her move.

With a married woman, uh uh, no way... you'd be complicit in a breach of contract but with a boyfriend .... that's her choice to make.

Wink

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17-07-2016, 10:17 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
The thought of you flirting is going to seriously diminish my capacity for sleep.

I suggest you keep it in your fucking pants and act professional around a fellow co-worker.

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17-07-2016, 10:21 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 10:17 AM)earmuffs Wrote:  The thought of you flirting is going to seriously diminish my capacity for sleep.

I suggest you keep it in your fucking pants and act professional around a fellow co-worker.

You need to do a 2017 Earmuffs Calendar. Seriously, I would so buy it. Tongue Instead of quotes, just earmuffisms at the bottom of the page. Yes
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17-07-2016, 10:21 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 09:24 AM)bemore Wrote:  One sort of personal moral I have strongly stuck to throughout my life is 'treat people how you yourself would wish to be treated'

I am very picky on women and I have a certain 'type' who I go for. I see a lot of women throughout my life who fit into the catergory of 'my type' I would go for and its mainly 80% through physical attraction with personality being the deciding factor. Recently I have started to work alongside a woman who does not particularly fall into 'my type' however my attraction to her grows through the connection that we have.

The problem is she has a boyfriend who she has been with for just over a year and this is where my personal moral comes into place. I would hate to think that people would be hitting on my partner if I was in a relationship, so in the past if I knew that this was the case, out of respect they would become 'out of bounds'

I have consciously been attempting to watch how we interact. I have up until now been 95% succesful in not flirting and have tried to be just a friend. It is actually quite difficult and it feels unnatural to do so. I'm not stupid, ive been around long enough to know the signs and I think she could be holding back as well. It's hard to describe and pinpoint but when you have that chemistry with someone... anyone who understands what I mean by that will know.... Holding each others gaze for slightly longer than usual.... matching each others body language (which is just normal anyway and no definitive indicator).... naturally gravitating towards each other throughout the day.... the way you look at each other and share knowing, arkward smile's.

One of our mutual work colleagues has picked up on this. I've never broached the subject with her but I think she recognises the chemistry and the signs, much like I or any other attentive person would do.

So my problem is, should I go against a moral I have held all my life and take a step into what could be a very tricky situation by not holding back so much and just going with the flow of things, or, should I stay respectful and keep acting the way I have been. I also try to keep relationship's and work seperate and would also be going against that rule.

So it's an age old quandary of also choosing between head and heart. There has only ever been one other time in my life I have felt like this for somebody else. It's not something I have looked for and it has taken me by surprise.

A good male friend stepped in and broke up a couple and later wondered why she was not faithful to him, but was out looking at other men after making promises to him.
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17-07-2016, 10:39 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
In your shoes, I would not.

It can be fun to flirt gently with coworkers. But imagine you are misreading the signs, and you start telling her you wish she didn't have a boyfriend, etc., and she realizes that your feelings for her are very different than hers for you. That could make your working relationship more difficult (and maybe downright unpleasant).

I don't necessarily think that starting to date someone who is in another relationship indicates that they are not good long-term relationship material (I have been married for 20 years to the man I started dating when he was separated from his wife and with a different girlfriend, and when we started seeing each other I was dating a couple of other guys). However, given that your situation involves someone whom you work with, and that it seems that she hasn't implied that she's unhappy in her current relationship, I think it's risky to try to move it in that direction.
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17-07-2016, 10:43 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
I once had a jealous ex-husband come through the door of his ex wife's house with an axe - where I had just spent the night.............

.....

If an ex can display that sort of stupidity -- just think what a guy who's currently sleeping with her might try................

And -- it don't matter if you're 9 feet tall and built like a battleship --- if he's got a .22 and is willing to use it.....

Some guys really are that fucking crazy.....

Date single women - that you don't work with....

Life's much simpler that way....

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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17-07-2016, 10:52 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
Don't ever shit where you eat. That's just gross, man. Laugh out load

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