Crossing a line.... love?
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17-07-2016, 11:49 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
Thank's for the advice, opinions and experience up to now. I have a deep respect for many of the people here and this is the place I find myself returning to everytime I need advice.

Some of the points mentioned.

Muffs: You make me laugh. I don't know how you picture me in your head.... but as you read these words please don't try to picture me rubbing my ball's teabag style over your face whilst you sleep and don't let my suggestions come to mind when you go to bed No

Dom: It is beyond physical attraction. It feel's like a connection I have only ever felt once before in my life.

DLJ: Her boyfriend has come up in conversation on numerous occasions and she has said that she feels I understand her more than he does. I would of course done exactly how you would of suggested if I wasn't holding myself back out of the respect I have wrote about. I empathise, understand and agree with everything else you have said.

To those who say dont risk it: I understand completely where you are coming from and any other time other than this I would give the same advice. There have been occasions where I have turned down advances for the very same reasons.

I have been reminded recently how much I take my mortality for granted. Reading the words of the terminally ill and those who are dying it is repeated many times how much they don't regret doing what they did, they regret the choices they DIDN'T make, the chances they NEVER took. Going from such humble advice it leads me to think that as this is a unique situation, I am swayed to think with my heart, rather than my head and to begin to tread carefully and to test the situation and see where it goes. It's not a definite choice yet and I think it will only be decided when I see her tomorrow.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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17-07-2016, 12:31 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
I'm not offering advice here, merely telling my story for what it's worth. I met my wife at work while I was in a relationship. We are now ten years married with two kids.

The flirting started fast and furious, the connection was way too strong to ignore.

Granted, I was already planning on breaking it off with my current girlfriend and it was long distance anyway. Plus we were both very young still so if it had not worked out it's not like we both couldn't have just moved on to the next thing.

Consider

Okay, maybe my story isn't all that relevant, but it's similar and worked out great for us in the end. I say don't ignore what might be there, but tread very carefully.

Good luck.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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17-07-2016, 12:47 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 11:49 AM)bemore Wrote:  I have been reminded recently how much I take my mortality for granted. Reading the words of the terminally ill and those who are dying it is repeated many times how much they don't regret doing what they did, they regret the choices they DIDN'T make, the chances they NEVER took.

Ya well, that's how I have lived my life. Taking risks and chances. It's been fun, but not always smart. Tongue

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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17-07-2016, 12:58 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
7 Billion people on the planet, ain't no need to fish from the same pond.

It is held that valour is the chiefest virtue and most dignifies the haver.
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17-07-2016, 12:59 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
Relationships happen and the heart rarely listens to the head. You need to find a resolution of some sort. Keeping this bottled up could be every bit a poisonous as letting it run rampant.

Bones knit and bruises heal. Regrets last forever.

Regarding work:
- Does your workplace have an official policy on the matter? Some do but most don't. The ones that do usually have it for a good reason.
- Are either of you in a position of authority over the other? That can poison a work environment very quickly if you add romance. If you are then a transfer to another department might be advisable to resolve the conflict if the relationship goes forward.
- Are there precedents and how did they work out?

Regarding You, Her and The BF: Talk to her about it. You'll need to arrange for some time outside of work to discuss the matter. There are a host of possibilities and you can't know what's what without some honest communication.
- Could be you've misread the signals.
- Could be she feels the same but is committed to her relationship. She also might not want the hastle with work.
- Could be that her relationship is more open than you know. My wife and I allow and even encourage flirting.
- Could be that she wants out with the old and in with the you. While you need to respect her relationship, she is not his territory.

You won't know which without talking about it. Then you can make a more informed decision.

Good luck!

---
Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
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17-07-2016, 01:42 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 12:58 PM)WhiskeyDebates Wrote:  7 Billion people on the planet, ain't no need to fish from the same pond.

And she already has a man. If she wanted a new rship, she would kick his ass to the curb and get herself a new rship. I think the fact that she hasn't done this is pretty telling right there. Like Paleo mentioned in his post, you could be misreading the signals.

I agree with not living with regrets--but just make sure you are willing to deal with the fallout of saying something, bemore. She may feel awkward around you or it could ruin your friendship if you are misreading the signals. It could also make work awkward for you.

Whatever you decide hugs to you and good luck!

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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17-07-2016, 01:56 PM (This post was last modified: 17-07-2016 02:03 PM by Stevil.)
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 09:24 AM)bemore Wrote:  One sort of personal moral I have strongly stuck to throughout my life is 'treat people how you yourself would wish to be treated'

OK, seems a guideline.

(17-07-2016 09:24 AM)bemore Wrote:  The problem is she has a boyfriend who she has been with for just over a year and this is where my personal moral comes into place.
She's not married, she doesn't have kids with this person.
Look if you and her are more suited than her and her current bo then she ought to switch to you.

It's her choice. There is nothing "wrong" with you liking a girl, nothing wrong with you trying to win her over. Life is about competition. We compete for good grades, we compete for good jobs, we compete to purchase houses etc, we compete for mates.

I don't see the problem.
Perhaps you could set some boundry (if that makes you happier). Don't have sex with her, unless she has ditched her current boy friend.
But, by all means, be friends with her, compete for her time, share moments, flirt and win her heart. If she comes to love you, wants to get physical, then tell her you don't want to be that other man that she cheats with. Tell her she must drop her BO before you will get physical.

(17-07-2016 09:24 AM)bemore Wrote:  I would hate to think that people would be hitting on my partner if I was in a relationship, so in the past if I knew that this was the case, out of respect they would become 'out of bounds'
It's no big deal. Your partner is allowed to have male friends. I know it can be horrible if she falls in love with one of them, but that's life, perhaps it saves you being in a marriage with someone who settled for you rather than really wanting you above others.
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17-07-2016, 02:26 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
I used to be like you bemore, living by a self-imposed code of conduct when it came to dating and letting my feelings known. But after a lifetime of seeing so many people making life and love decisions with their head instead of their hearts I want you to think about the following.

Life is short. Surround yourself with people you connect with, like and love. Be more assertive going after what and who you want. (See what I did there?)

Yes, you work in the same place, delicate but not insurmountable.

Yes, she’s in a relationship but it isn’t marriage and no kids are involved.

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you let her know your feelings? She doesn’t reciprocate. At least you will not live with the regret of never having known.

I met the love of my life at a party. She was another guy’s date that night. While he was talking to everyone but her we sat down to chat and three hours flew by in an instant. I borrowed the guy’s motorcycle and took her for a ride around the neighborhood, she was holding on much tighter than the speed called for. Smile I was nice enough to return the motorcycle but I married that girl. Going on 28 years. Never saw the dude again. Never regretted it.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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17-07-2016, 04:45 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
Just to answer a few more posts.

We are equals at work. Work does not have any rules stating you cant date anybody who you work with (although I do imagine it may be incovenient and not proffesional if either of us were in a mangerial position).

I am gonna see if we can meet up after work, away from the office and I am going to see how things stand with her boyfriend and carefully explain how I see things. If she is reciprocating and I havent got mixed signals (id be highly surprised if I had) then id rather her finish things and have some time to herself before anything could potentially happen and go further between us. Im in no rush and things have to be right. If I have somehow got it wrong, then I will profusely apologise and back off for some time. Id just deal with it, forget it and be happy with being close friends.

It's been nice hearing the stories off everyone in similar positions. Thanks for sharing.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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17-07-2016, 05:00 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
I would not go for it, myself. I flirt with women whom I know are in a relationship, sometimes; I flirt sometimes even when I'm in a relationship. But I don't do it at work, policy or no, because misunderstandings have broader ramifications.

And I certainly would not chase after a woman already in a relationship. I've been cheated-on, and it's a shitty feeling -- I'd never inflict that on another man. I've also looked down the wrong end of a gun, and that ain't any place you want to be. People will do crazy things over love.
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