Crossing a line.... love?
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17-07-2016, 05:34 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 09:24 AM)bemore Wrote:  One sort of personal moral I have strongly stuck to throughout my life is 'treat people how you yourself would wish to be treated'

I am very picky on women and I have a certain 'type' who I go for. I see a lot of women throughout my life who fit into the catergory of 'my type' I would go for and its mainly 80% through physical attraction with personality being the deciding factor. Recently I have started to work alongside a woman who does not particularly fall into 'my type' however my attraction to her grows through the connection that we have.

The problem is she has a boyfriend who she has been with for just over a year and this is where my personal moral comes into place. I would hate to think that people would be hitting on my partner if I was in a relationship, so in the past if I knew that this was the case, out of respect they would become 'out of bounds'

I have consciously been attempting to watch how we interact. I have up until now been 95% succesful in not flirting and have tried to be just a friend. It is actually quite difficult and it feels unnatural to do so. I'm not stupid, ive been around long enough to know the signs and I think she could be holding back as well. It's hard to describe and pinpoint but when you have that chemistry with someone... anyone who understands what I mean by that will know.... Holding each others gaze for slightly longer than usual.... matching each others body language (which is just normal anyway and no definitive indicator).... naturally gravitating towards each other throughout the day.... the way you look at each other and share knowing, arkward smile's.

One of our mutual work colleagues has picked up on this. I've never broached the subject with her but I think she recognises the chemistry and the signs, much like I or any other attentive person would do.

So my problem is, should I go against a moral I have held all my life and take a step into what could be a very tricky situation by not holding back so much and just going with the flow of things, or, should I stay respectful and keep acting the way I have been. I also try to keep relationship's and work seperate and would also be going against that rule.

So it's an age old quandary of also choosing between head and heart. There has only ever been one other time in my life I have felt like this for somebody else. It's not something I have looked for and it has taken me by surprise.

She'll divorce you after ten years and take half your stuff.

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17-07-2016, 05:58 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 12:59 PM)Paleophyte Wrote:  Relationships happen and the heart rarely listens to the head. You need to find a resolution of some sort. Keeping this bottled up could be every bit a poisonous as letting it run rampant.

Bones knit and bruises heal. Regrets last forever.

Regarding work:
- Does your workplace have an official policy on the matter? Some do but most don't. The ones that do usually have it for a good reason.
- Are either of you in a position of authority over the other? That can poison a work environment very quickly if you add romance. If you are then a transfer to another department might be advisable to resolve the conflict if the relationship goes forward.
- Are there precedents and how did they work out?

Regarding You, Her and The BF: Talk to her about it. You'll need to arrange for some time outside of work to discuss the matter. There are a host of possibilities and you can't know what's what without some honest communication.
- Could be you've misread the signals.
- Could be she feels the same but is committed to her relationship. She also might not want the hastle with work.
- Could be that her relationship is more open than you know. My wife and I allow and even encourage flirting.
- Could be that she wants out with the old and in with the you. While you need to respect her relationship, she is not his territory.

You won't know which without talking about it. Then you can make a more informed decision.

Good luck!
Having been married 5 times and having been in a couple of dozen live with arrangements one thing I have learned:
She is not my girl, it is just my turn. She was with another man a year ago and presumably will be with another next year.
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17-07-2016, 06:08 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
I don't see why as work mates you couldn't ask her to grab some lunch or coffee (or tea) in a friendly but not date-like fashion. See if she is open to that and how things are outside of the work environment.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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17-07-2016, 06:11 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 12:58 PM)WhiskeyDebates Wrote:  7 Billion people on the planet, ain't no need to fish from the same pond.

Agreed. Actively looking for romance at work is unwise. If it finds you there though you're going to have to deal with it one way or another. More a case of being at the same pond and having the fish jump into your boat.

(17-07-2016 01:42 PM)jennybee Wrote:  And she already has a man. If she wanted a new rship, she would kick his ass to the curb and get herself a new rship. I think the fact that she hasn't done this is pretty telling right there. Like Paleo mentioned in his post, you could be misreading the signals.

I agree with not living with regrets--but just make sure you are willing to deal with the fallout of saying something, bemore. She may feel awkward around you or it could ruin your friendship if you are misreading the signals. It could also make work awkward for you.

Agreed, this has to be handled delicately. More than usual that is. A polite conversation to find out if the "chemistry" is real and, if it is, where that might be headed shouldn't be too risky. Assuming neither of them is crazy that is.

And no, cheating would not be good. Nothing more serious than a friendly handshake until she's wrapped things up with the other guy. You seem to have that covered though.

---
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17-07-2016, 06:23 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 04:45 PM)bemore Wrote:  We are equals at work. Work does not have any rules stating you cant date anybody who you work with

Good. Those are major hurdles. Still fall-out at work if things get gruesome on a personal level but no regs broken of professional misconduct.

Quote:although I do imagine it may be incovenient and not proffesional if either of us were in a mangerial position.

A fair bit worse than that actually. If either of you is in a position of authority over the other it's a recipe for disaster. Even if everything goes brilliantly on the relationship front you can end up with a very poisonous work environment courtesy of others who feel that your personal relationship is affecting your professional judgement. You can just imagine the ugly rumours about how she's sleeping with the boss for favours. It can actually be grounds for a discrimination suit.

Glad it isn't an issue, but if either of you gets a promotion you may have to talk with your superiors about ways to avoid that sort of conflict. A transfer to another department might work if it's a large enough business.

Quote:I am gonna see if we can meet up after work, away from the office

Her response to that should tell you a fair bit.

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17-07-2016, 10:15 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 05:34 PM)Banjo Wrote:  ...
She'll divorce you after ten years and take half your stuff.

You big optimist, you. Hug

Divorce after fourteen years and take all your stuff (except the debts).

Sample size = 1.

Wink

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17-07-2016, 10:31 PM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
And people give me dirty looks when I say I don't wanna get married.

I suppose that's the thing though, everyone thinks their love is special and shit and that they'll never end up like those other couples.
Next minute you've got 2 annoying shithead kids, stuck in a boring ass job where you're underappreciated and the only love left between your spouse is when she's watching tv and lets you hump her leg for 5 minutes every other wednesday. Bills stack up, kids hate you, your wife is just another boring "samey" thing in your life you have to come home too at the end of the boring ass work day. It's no wonder the divorce rate is 50%.

Gotta love social conditioning though. Without it who's gonna make my pork riblet sub?

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18-07-2016, 04:26 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 06:08 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I don't see why as work mates you couldn't ask her to grab some lunch or coffee (or tea) in a friendly but not date-like fashion. See if she is open to that and how things are outside of the work environment.

Yep... this is a great "barometer". If she agrees to lunch and a coffee, you can take it as a go-ahead for further negotiations. If she knocks you back, then there's your answer.

And the fact that she's been with this bloke for only 12 months is neither here nor there. In the overall concept of time, that's merely a few minutes. Go for it mate.

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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18-07-2016, 06:43 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(17-07-2016 10:31 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  And people give me dirty looks when I say I don't wanna get married.

I suppose that's the thing though, everyone thinks their love is special and shit and that they'll never end up like those other couples.
Next minute you've got 2 annoying shithead kids, stuck in a boring ass job where you're underappreciated and the only love left between your spouse is when she's watching tv and lets you hump her leg for 5 minutes every other wednesday. Bills stack up, kids hate you, your wife is just another boring "samey" thing in your life you have to come home too at the end of the boring ass work day. It's no wonder the divorce rate is 50%.

Gotta love social conditioning though. Without it who's gonna make my pork riblet sub?

We skipped the 2 annoying kids, my own boss and he loves me, we appreciate, respect and enjoy each other’s company, only hump on days of the week that end in Y... Cool

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
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18-07-2016, 07:21 AM
RE: Crossing a line.... love?
(18-07-2016 06:43 AM)Full Circle Wrote:  
(17-07-2016 10:31 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  And people give me dirty looks when I say I don't wanna get married.

I suppose that's the thing though, everyone thinks their love is special and shit and that they'll never end up like those other couples.
Next minute you've got 2 annoying shithead kids, stuck in a boring ass job where you're underappreciated and the only love left between your spouse is when she's watching tv and lets you hump her leg for 5 minutes every other wednesday. Bills stack up, kids hate you, your wife is just another boring "samey" thing in your life you have to come home too at the end of the boring ass work day. It's no wonder the divorce rate is 50%.

Gotta love social conditioning though. Without it who's gonna make my pork riblet sub?

We skipped the 2 annoying kids, my own boss and he loves me, we appreciate, respect and enjoy each other’s company, only hump on days of the week that end in Y... Cool

Wait.. you're a homo?

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