Cruise
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06-09-2014, 01:28 AM
Cruise
About a year ago my eldest daughter decided that it would be a great idea if the entire family took a Caribbean cruise. Accordingly she made reservations for herself, my wife and I, her siblings and sundry grandchildren, husbands, boyfriends, etc. The whole thing is paid for: cruise, airfare, spending money, etc. No chance of getting any refunds except possibly a token amount for the airfare.

My wife's mother cannot go. She's confined to a nursing home. And she's terminal. The doctors give her less than a year to live. She could survive another year or she could die at any moment. She has asked my wife to be with her when she dies and my wife has promised to do so.

If my wife goes on the cruise and my mother-in-law dies during the cruise then my wife will not have kept her promise to her mother. In addition my wife visits her mother daily and her mother gets very upset whenever she misses a day.

What distresses me is I know that if her mother passes while we are away my wife will regret it the rest of her life. I have suggested that we opt out of the trip but my wife objects to "wasting that money". I have countered that the lost money is not worth the regret she will be burdened with if her mother passes while we are away.

I have said my peace to the family. So far it looks like everyone is going on the cruise. I have volunteered to stay and let my sister have my space on the ship (assuming the cruise line would allow that). I would visit every day but the problem is that my mother-on-law does not recognize me. She has no idea who I am.

At this point, having said my piece, I'm just holding my tongue and acting like it's not my business. I'll continue to do that unless someone has some better advice.

Sapere aude
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07-09-2014, 09:39 PM
RE: Cruise
That's a tricky situation. I remember when my mother was taking care of my terminal grandmother. My mother hated it. It is hard work. Se would take a break whenever she could.
Maybe that's what your wife needs ... a break. She may not be willing to say she is tired of her mother so she is saying that she doesn't want to waste money.
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07-09-2014, 10:23 PM (This post was last modified: 07-09-2014 10:26 PM by Bows and Arrows.)
RE: Cruise
First- is MIL in a facility that takes good care of her when you and/or wife aren't there? If yes, then you are leaving her I good hands. No worries about her care.

Two- correct me if I'm wrong- but did you say MIL doesn't know or recognize you? If so, then you staying behind to comfort her is pointless because you don't bring her any comfort.

Three- this is something your wife needs to choose for herself. This isn't anyone else's burden. She can live her life with " what if....?" Or she get on with living her life.

Four- Is MIL of sound mind? Or is there dementia or some other ailment that doesn't permit her to be altogether present? If MIL is not of sound mind- then she doesn't get to call the shots, and the fits she pitches when she doesn't get her way is emotional blackmail.

Five- the day will come when we must all say goodbye. And maturity tells us that we have no control over it (usually). She will die, when she dies, and whether or not everyone is by her bedside or having drinks in the sun won't having any bearing on it.

I wish I had more moments with my mother, but I know my mom loved me enough to not want me to stop living life to the fullest. I live over 8 hr drive from where my parents lived. I would see them a few times a year, the last few years, every single goodbye, was followed with " what if this is the last time?" And it really makes you cherish the reunions.

You can't live your life waiting on someone else to die, because you are dying and wasting your own life in the process.

Do not let MIL, who has lived a full life, rob your children of the fabulous memories they will make with both of their parents.

Heart


P.s. Find a way so your wife can check in 2-3 times a day, so that she can kick back and relax and have fun. She needs the break from catering to MIL to be healthy and recharge her own batteries.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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07-09-2014, 10:33 PM
RE: Cruise
Quote:She has asked my wife to be with her when she dies and my wife has promised to do so.


Such promises rarely work out. My MIL insisted that she not be sent to a nursing home. My wife agreed. When she fell and broke her hip the hospital would not release her anywhere except a skilled nursing facility.

My mom would not go to a doctor for any reason. Wanted no part of them. When she fell and cracked her skull she ended up in a hospital and never got out.

Choice is illusory.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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07-09-2014, 10:42 PM
RE: Cruise
There aren't any easy answers to this. Your wife really needs to do what feels best to her.

If she wants to go on the cruise be supportive and if she opts out...well...be just as supportive.

Hug all around. It's hard to know what to do in situations like these. I dunno if there are any right answers.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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08-09-2014, 05:40 AM
RE: Cruise
I don't think I could live with myself if I had not been with my mom when she died.

It turned out I was sorely needed to advocate for her. Having been there and able to help make it all better for her is what gave and still gives me peace.

Just from my own experience, there is a good chance mom will regain lucidity as she approaches death. There appears to be a time when the body rallies, when it stops trying to mend and puts all energy into awareness and communication. This may or may not happen, but it is a possibility even against all odds.

Everyone is different, and I think your wife is the only one who can decide this for herself. The situation is very unpredictable, Mom may rally, and your wife may be dealing with emotions she never knew she was capable of.

I know this isn't going to make your or her decision any easier, but it is how I have come to see things.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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08-09-2014, 07:32 AM
RE: Cruise
After re reading your OP, it sounds to me like she got a terminal diagnosis, with an unknown expiration date, but you don't mention that she is an active dying state. If you've ever been around someone who is actively dying then you know what I mean. Breathing gets labored, organs start shutting down, and even then some people can linger on for longer than you would expect.

Is your MIL in that state? Or is she still waiting for that to happen? Is she still able to get out of bed? Feed herself? Etc.

I would choose depending on that answer.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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