Daddy Issues..
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
21-10-2014, 08:42 PM
Daddy Issues..
OK. I'm one of those girls Weeping

The short of it: My dad's a dick and I didn't visit him or talk to him when I was back in the states. When I got back to China he facebook messaged me.

"Maybe next time you're in town, you'll have some time to call and say hello."

So I look like the asshole! Censored I decided to message him back (but I haven't sent it yet.. not sure if I should). It's kind of long, apparently I had a lot to say so... leave now if you can't handle it. Tongue

Thanks in advance to anyone who has some advice.



Hi dad.
I've sat on this message for weeks, because I really just don't know how to respond to it. What are you trying to accomplish? I was stateside for weeks and you decided to message me the exact day I arrived back in China? What was the point? It strikes me as passive aggressive. I've thought about this a lot, been composing messages in my head... I go from being equally passive aggressive and sarcastic to just really disappointed and pitying.

If you were trying to make me feel guilty, you missed the mark. If you were trying to make me angry, you succeeded. If you were trying to say you missed me, you might be more direct next time and actually talk to me while I'm in town.

You are being manipulative and trying to put the onus on me for the lack of communication in our (not) relationship. I refuse to accept this. You have consistently driven your children away and if you suddenly decided you care about me and want to spend time with me, a passive aggressive message like this is not the way to get yourself a spot back in my life.

This message upset me. seriously, the DAY I get back to China, my dad decides we could have chatted? And that it's my fault that we didn't? As if you're not responsible for the direction this relationship has gone.

Look, I am neither unaware nor unappreciative of the good times we had together when I was growing up. I loved you and looked up to you. I had a good childhood and I still sometimes think about the random inside jokes that we had. We had fun together. I know this. We can both acknowledge this. That being said, you have made some decisions that have hurt me. It seems that after you and mom divorced, you became a different person. Or that your true colors finally came through. Your actions said that you didn't care about me or my thoughts or my opinions. I desperately looked for a job and worked my butt off at it so I wouldn't ever have to rely on you or ask you for anything again. I hated asking you for help because any help you gave was begrudging and something you held over my head. "You can't be angry with me for anything, because I provided xyz for you," you seemed to say. Fine, dad. I don't need you to provide for me anymore. I release you from your obligation. I don't need your guilt trips or your lies or your manipulation. Keep it to yourself. Give it to somebody who still believes in you. Thanks for the good times, but they're over. They've been over for a long time.

I will not be coerced into being around you, or see you out of mere obligation. I know you give my siblings money for their needs and wants out of pure obligation and the threat of court, not because you care. If you cared, you wouldn't need the threat of court. You readily spend money on your guns, cars, trucks, tattoos, and new wives, and give the scraps to the children who share your blood.

Do not send me messages like this. If you want to talk with me, be straightforward in your feelings and intentions. If you want to have a relationship with me, then say so and act like it. A birthday message and a photo comment per year do not a relationship make.

Are you interested in my life? Do you want to pretend to be interested in what I'm doing? I'm not asking you to be buddies with my boyfriend, and I certainly don't want to hang out with your latest family. Since you divorced and married and divorced again and married again, it seems like you're not quite so stable, so what's the point of me getting to know someone you might just divorce again? See, it's hard for me to feign interest in your new life, since I still feel betrayed from that first situation that really made me distrust you. Do you know what it is? I bet you don't even remember it or ever thought to apologize for it. It was when soon-to-be-wife-number-two started staying at our house. You pretended to care what I thought and asked me how I felt about her. I was open and honest and told you that I was fine with you dating, but I was uncomfortable with the idea of her moving in so soon and spending the night a lot when I (and siblings) were still recovering from the divorce. You reassured me that that would definitely not happen. I believed you. Three days later, you informed us that she would be moving in with us. I was shocked and disappointed and I lost all confidence in anything you promised.

Since then, it has been situation after situation where you have put your wants above the good of your children. Situations where you said considerate things and (pretended to?) listened to me, only to turn around and be a dick.

My heart has been broken by the person who is supposed to be the first and best man in my life. Good thing mom was there to pick up the pieces.

I don't expect you to understand or say you're sorry, that's not the kind of person you are. That's fine. But I don't want a superficial relationship with you where we pretend like you never hurt me and everything is okay. I don't need that kind of stress in my life and I already said I refuse to see you out of sheer obligation. You're my dad and I will always be grateful for the happy times. Maybe one day we can have happy times again with some effort on both sides. This is my effort to be open and honest once again, to give you a chance to be real with me, too.

I hope you'll reply sincerely.





Atheism is the only way to truly be free from sin.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like Colourcraze's post
21-10-2014, 08:56 PM
RE: Daddy Issues..
wow. that is a lot to take in. If he is halfway smart he will sit on it awhile and let it all sink in and mull it over before he replies.

Hug

This is just me, but I would give him a clue for some first steps on fixing things. Its possible he reads it and he realizes he fucked up and wants to start over. Tell him what you expect of him. Maybe "I need to hear and read a sincere apology. ".


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-10-2014, 05:03 AM
RE: Daddy Issues..
That's part of why I'm a bit worried about sending it to him. I'm not sure how he'll take it or if he'll even consider that he's been in the wrong.

I'll try to add something more specific about fixing it, but part of me doesn't even care. If he can't figure out what went wrong on his own, then whatever, you know?

It's conflicting.

Atheism is the only way to truly be free from sin.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-10-2014, 05:10 AM
RE: Daddy Issues..
I guess that is what you should decide before sending it.


Can you picture a future with things fixed between you? And do you want that? Would you rather just be done with him?

I have a brother that walked away from the whole family, its still hard to deal with 10-15 years later, although I am getting used to it. I would imagine that for him it isnt easy, although maybe it is. I don't know.

He unblocked me on facebook after my parents died, I guess that is a step in the right direction


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-10-2014, 06:07 AM
RE: Daddy Issues..
That took a huge amount of courage to write. Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. Those are your true feelings. Just send it. Your relationship with him is fucked already, he needs a strong wake-up call to make him realise that it's love you or lose you time. If he replies in a more positive way you can follow up with ideas on how to fix it.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes morondog's post
22-10-2014, 06:14 AM
RE: Daddy Issues..
Having a messed up relationship with a parent has got to be tough. My wife and her mom do not get along at all. We live an hour away and hardly ever go visit. On the flip side we are at my parents almost every weekend, when they are not overseas for work. I see the pattern repeating with her and our kids.

I think you should sit on the letter for a few days. Kick it around and give it a bit more though. It is a good letter, just make sure it is what you want to say.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes wazzel's post
22-10-2014, 06:29 AM
RE: Daddy Issues..
(21-10-2014 08:42 PM)Colourcraze Wrote:  "Maybe next time you're in town, you'll have some time to call and say hello."

He reached out and wants to know why you won't talk to him.

Give him what he wants....send your message......if he gets butthurt....too bad....he asked for it.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-10-2014, 05:29 PM (This post was last modified: 22-10-2014 05:32 PM by Michael_Tadlock.)
RE: Daddy Issues..
Parents are really tricky. You may feel like you are in a place right now where you are willing to walk away from that relationship forever. You may actually be in that place. I don't know what happened between you and your dad but it seems clear you a very upset. It might be the right time to just let him have it - I don't know enough to judge. My first impression is that you are really speaking to your anger and resentment in this message. Speaking in general, without knowing you or your dad, I find it unlikely that such a message is going to mend fences and rekindle a new relationship. Part of growing up is learning to accept your parents for who they are; not who you want them to be, or who you needed them to be while you were growing up, but as a man (or woman), with flaws and shortcomings, bouts of foolishness, selfishness, and laziness. Your dad is a person. Maybe even a bad person. He is still your dad. You don't have to put up with his bullshit, but if there is a possibility of restoring an amiable relationship you should strongly consider something more inviting. I would also point out that many of the issues you address in the OP really should be worked out over the phone or in person. Again, I don't know you or your dad or the circumstances of your relationship. I want only to point out that your message reads a lot like "good bye and good riddance". You should be very sure that is what you want first.

That being said, you have every right to be angry with your parents and you owe him nothing. Don't reach out to him as an obligation. You are right in that you shouldn't let that be the only thing holding you two together.

Good luck to you. I am sure you know it already, but we are all here to give you support Hug
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Michael_Tadlock's post
22-10-2014, 06:00 PM
RE: Daddy Issues..
I'd sit on it for a while before sending it. Stuff like that can do irreparable damage. I've gone from hating my dad (only person in the world who I've felt that way towards), to wanting to completely separate myself from my family, to appreciating my family, to considering it pleasant getting to see my dad from time to time.

I also find my Dad's use of communication to be severely lacking. But in the end I consider that he talks to me as much as he feels like, which ends up being 3 or 4 times a year. Which works out fine for me.

I may respond in depth a bit more, later.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-10-2014, 06:18 PM
RE: Daddy Issues..
I don't know you, your dad, or your age but here's my 2 cents based on my own experience...

Don't demand anything. I had an argument with my dad over email when I was about 18 and I haven't talked to him since (10 years now). Honestly, I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing, I'm just warning that you should be prepared for him to take it in the worst way possible.

My own Dad I think has Asberger's, at least, that would explain his complete lack of empathy and inability to admit he made any mistakes. When I finally turned 18, I thought he owed me an apology for all that jacked up things he's said and done to me, but I didn't get it. He told me he didn't owe me anything, and that I needed to figure out how to deal on my own. Well, I have, so there's that. I miss having a relationship with him, but honestly, it was never fun. He's just my dad and I cared about him. If you truly had fun times you can look back to with your dad, I'm sure there's something there worth saving. Just try your best not to be accusatory, and let him know it comes from a place of love, which frankly I think you've already done that here.

Honestly, I just got my own dad's work email again after all these years and I've been thinking for the last several months about what I could possibly say, and you've given me some good ideas, so thanks for that.

I hope everything works out for you on your end.

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Albert Einstein
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like MustangManda's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: