Daddy Issues..
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22-10-2014, 09:48 PM
RE: Daddy Issues..
Man, all the cute girls have daddy issues, it seems.

Being that my real dad is not ever going to be in the picture, I can only offer this: Hug

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22-10-2014, 10:41 PM
RE: Daddy Issues..
(22-10-2014 05:29 PM)Michael_Tadlock Wrote:  Parents are really tricky. You may feel like you are in a place right now where you are willing to walk away from that relationship forever. You may actually be in that place. I don't know what happened between you and your dad but it seems clear you a very upset. It might be the right time to just let him have it - I don't know enough to judge. My first impression is that you are really speaking to your anger and resentment in this message. Speaking in general, without knowing you or your dad, I find it unlikely that such a message is going to mend fences and rekindle a new relationship. Part of growing up is learning to accept your parents for who they are; not who you want them to be, or who you needed them to be while you were growing up, but as a man (or woman), with flaws and shortcomings, bouts of foolishness, selfishness, and laziness. Your dad is a person. Maybe even a bad person. He is still your dad. You don't have to put up with his bullshit, but if there is a possibility of restoring an amiable relationship you should strongly consider something more inviting. I would also point out that many of the issues you address in the OP really should be worked out over the phone or in person. Again, I don't know you or your dad or the circumstances of your relationship. I want only to point out that your message reads a lot like "good bye and good riddance". You should be very sure that is what you want first.

That being said, you have every right to be angry with your parents and you owe him nothing. Don't reach out to him as an obligation. You are right in that you shouldn't let that be the only thing holding you two together.

Good luck to you. I am sure you know it already, but we are all here to give you support Hug

I know my dad is a person, but that's just the thing. If he were a normal guy and I was a normal gal and there was no relation, I would NEVER choose to hang out with him. Even knowing he's my dad, I still roll my eyes at all the stupid shit he does. He's like a tattooed redneck frat boy.

Scenario 1: he takes it horribly and verbally abuses me in return and my opinion of him is that much more solidified.
Scenario 2: he ignores it and ignores me and nothing happens.
Scenario 3: he takes it moderately well and replies with civility, but no apology.
Scenario 4: he takes it really well and actually decides to respond to all my points and maybe at least say "sorry you felt that way" if not apologize directly for his actions.

He's never been a man of apology. But I already said I don't expect that. If he's reaching out to me with this message, then doesn't he deserve to know what's gone wrong from my point of view? I HATE faking it. I can't fake a nice relationship, even if he is my dad. It stresses me out to pretend to like someone. It's either going to be real or nothing.

To the point of doing this over the phone or in person, it's not really a possibility. The time difference sucks and if we were to do it over skype, I'd have to make an appointment with him first, basically. If I'm going to contact him, I just want it to be everything all at once.

I'm 24 now. We haven't had much of anything in about five years. 2 years ago I sent him a really nice message for father's day, telling him about the nice memories I had and how I appreciated our time together. He basically responded with "thanks" and didn't say much else. Our relationship lives in the past, if there's a relationship at all. I think I just want to be done with it. Let it rest in peace. Have good memories and not force something that doesn't work. Undecided

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23-10-2014, 01:02 AM
RE: Daddy Issues..
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23-10-2014, 07:21 AM
RE: Daddy Issues..
(22-10-2014 10:41 PM)Colourcraze Wrote:  I know my dad is a person, but that's just the thing. If he were a normal guy and I was a normal gal and there was no relation, I would NEVER choose to hang out with him.

For what it is worth, that is something I realized one day about my own father. I simply didn't like him much as a person and had no interest in dealing with him so I stopped. When I considered "what if you never talk to him again?" the feeling was one of relief. In my case it was one of the best decisions I ever made. YMMV

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23-10-2014, 09:59 AM
RE: Daddy Issues..
(22-10-2014 06:07 AM)morondog Wrote:  That took a huge amount of courage to write. Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. Those are your true feelings. Just send it. Your relationship with him is fucked already, he needs a strong wake-up call to make him realise that it's love you or lose you time. If he replies in a more positive way you can follow up with ideas on how to fix it.

I'm with the dog on this one....go with your true feelings.

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23-10-2014, 05:45 PM
RE: Daddy Issues..
(22-10-2014 10:41 PM)Colourcraze Wrote:  
(22-10-2014 05:29 PM)Michael_Tadlock Wrote:  Parents are really tricky. You may feel like you are in a place right now where you are willing to walk away from that relationship forever. You may actually be in that place. I don't know what happened between you and your dad but it seems clear you a very upset. It might be the right time to just let him have it - I don't know enough to judge. My first impression is that you are really speaking to your anger and resentment in this message. Speaking in general, without knowing you or your dad, I find it unlikely that such a message is going to mend fences and rekindle a new relationship. Part of growing up is learning to accept your parents for who they are; not who you want them to be, or who you needed them to be while you were growing up, but as a man (or woman), with flaws and shortcomings, bouts of foolishness, selfishness, and laziness. Your dad is a person. Maybe even a bad person. He is still your dad. You don't have to put up with his bullshit, but if there is a possibility of restoring an amiable relationship you should strongly consider something more inviting. I would also point out that many of the issues you address in the OP really should be worked out over the phone or in person. Again, I don't know you or your dad or the circumstances of your relationship. I want only to point out that your message reads a lot like "good bye and good riddance". You should be very sure that is what you want first.

That being said, you have every right to be angry with your parents and you owe him nothing. Don't reach out to him as an obligation. You are right in that you shouldn't let that be the only thing holding you two together.

Good luck to you. I am sure you know it already, but we are all here to give you support Hug

I know my dad is a person, but that's just the thing. If he were a normal guy and I was a normal gal and there was no relation, I would NEVER choose to hang out with him. Even knowing he's my dad, I still roll my eyes at all the stupid shit he does. He's like a tattooed redneck frat boy.

Scenario 1: he takes it horribly and verbally abuses me in return and my opinion of him is that much more solidified.
Scenario 2: he ignores it and ignores me and nothing happens.
Scenario 3: he takes it moderately well and replies with civility, but no apology.
Scenario 4: he takes it really well and actually decides to respond to all my points and maybe at least say "sorry you felt that way" if not apologize directly for his actions.

He's never been a man of apology. But I already said I don't expect that. If he's reaching out to me with this message, then doesn't he deserve to know what's gone wrong from my point of view? I HATE faking it. I can't fake a nice relationship, even if he is my dad. It stresses me out to pretend to like someone. It's either going to be real or nothing.

To the point of doing this over the phone or in person, it's not really a possibility. The time difference sucks and if we were to do it over skype, I'd have to make an appointment with him first, basically. If I'm going to contact him, I just want it to be everything all at once.

I'm 24 now. We haven't had much of anything in about five years. 2 years ago I sent him a really nice message for father's day, telling him about the nice memories I had and how I appreciated our time together. He basically responded with "thanks" and didn't say much else. Our relationship lives in the past, if there's a relationship at all. I think I just want to be done with it. Let it rest in peace. Have good memories and not force something that doesn't work. Undecided

My wife has a shitty relationship with her father. She is pressured by her family to keep trying to make contact, and every time he is a piece of shit and says or does something that makes her upset for weeks. Her father has a personality disorder, with a lot of childhood abuse in his past, and drugs sprinkled in there some place. When he is an asshole she can't help but blame herself for it. We have talked about it quite a bit, she knows it is not her fault, and she knows even that when her dad says terrible things or rejects her that it is not even all his fault. When it comes to your parents though you just can't help how you feel. My wife shouldn't have a relationship with her father, it does her far more harm than good. You might be in a very similar place too.

My own personal experience, I had a terrible time with my dad growing up. He is quick to anger, verbally abusive, threatening, and domineering. As an adult that dynamic of our relationship completely changed. I don't talk to him about the past. I am not sure how it would go if I did. I know he did the best he can but that he is a man, with a lot of flaws. I am glad I didn't cut him off one of the many times I felt like I genuinely hated him. My brother had it even worse than I did, being a problem child. After years apart he and my dad now both have a very healthy relationship, which makes me very glad.

Most people I know who have parents they aren't crazy about put up with their flaws because some relationship is better than none at all. There is a difference between faking it and letting it be. You may never get a reckoning from your dad, and that might be a deal breaker for you. I only want to make you aware that a relationship might still possible but only if you want it.
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23-10-2014, 07:39 PM
RE: Daddy Issues..
I'm to the point where I think a decade long break might be a good thing.

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24-10-2014, 02:26 AM (This post was last modified: 24-10-2014 02:30 AM by Heywood Jahblome.)
RE: Daddy Issues..
(23-10-2014 07:39 PM)Colourcraze Wrote:  I'm to the point where I think a decade long break might be a good thing.

Don't completely shut him out. You are at a point in your life where you are building your own house(life) and if he is willing to abide by the rules of your house.....welcome him into it. If you do and he breaks those rules, don't feel guilty about kicking him out. Its okay to keep him in your life as long as you maintain control.
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01-11-2014, 06:13 PM
RE: Daddy Issues..
Well, I didn't change much, but I finally sent it. I feel nervous Confused

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01-11-2014, 06:48 PM
RE: Daddy Issues..
'Breaking up' with a parent isn't an easy thing to do but it's sometimes the right thing to do.

On the very rare occasion over the last decade that I have spoken with my mother I am only reminded that getting her as far out of my life as possible was the correct move.

I gave her decades of chances and even tolerated her crappy treatment of my kids - for that I wish I had cut her out sooner. My kids didn't deserve that.

Her snotty, nasty birthday card to my niece a couple months ago further proves that contact with her is toxic.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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