Dangers of dating a religious person
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16-02-2016, 04:33 AM (This post was last modified: 16-02-2016 11:00 AM by Krypttonigt.)
Dangers of dating a religious person
An atheist and a theist dating and loving each other in harmony? What are your thoughts on this guys - can it work out? Any advice?

Here's my story. Up until a few days ago I was dating a really wonderful woman who happened to also be Christian- we both respected each other's beliefs and never once tried to convert each other. In short, it worked and we could see marriage on the horizon one day.

Then, around a month ago her dad suddenly passed away and everything changed. She started to feel guilt and shame about being in love and having sexual desires for me and began to view our special connection as being dirty and wrong. This has led her to break things off with me recently so she can "lead a more Godly life".

Basically she's thrown away a great, REAL relationship with a REAL man who made her very happy so she can be in an IMAGINARY relationship with her fairytale religion. It makes me sick, quite honestly.

...Okay, sorry for the sob story people ;-)

Has anyone ever had similar experiences?

LITTLE ADDITION TO MY ORIGINAL POST: I did my best to help her through this rough patch and be there for her by any and all means...even going so far as to shoulder some of her workload so she'd have time to grieve without her a-hole boss giving her hell on top of it all. Sticking it through with her, basically. In the end she *still* decided that what she wanted was "God's love and support" and became hamstrung by the guilt of being sexually attracted to me, choosing instead to toss aside what was REAL (me) and made it very clear that she never wanted to see me again for fear of temptation. Seriously messed up!

**No gods, only humanity. There's only ever been us.**
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16-02-2016, 05:46 AM
RE: Dangers of dating a religious person
Can't say I've had girlfriends who've done precisely this................although a few quit seeing me because they wanted to date real individuals who they imagined would make them happier.

Yes......they imagined that. There's no evidence they were right.

Not my problem though.

Seriously though, I am sorry that she's deluded but people do weird things after a bereavement. But my advice is move on.

The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike
Excreta Tauri Sapientam Fulgeat (The excrement of the bull causes wisdom to flee)
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16-02-2016, 06:27 AM
RE: Dangers of dating a religious person
Hi welcome to TTA Smile

I was in a similar situation--only I was the Christian dating the nonbeliever. I'm an atheist now, but it put a lot of stress on our relationship. I really struggled with his lack of belief because I was taught by my pastor and church that he was no good for me since we were not equally yoked as they called it. It also created problems in our rship because he refused to go to church with me and told me that if we got married, he would not let our children (if we decided to have any) go to church. I loved him despite our belief/lack of belief, but it put A LOT of stress on our rship. Later on in the same rship, I became an atheist and he became more spiritual. It was kind of a bizarre role reversal and again, that began to cause problems.

There are atheists and believers who are able to make things work in rships but in many cases, at least in my situation and in reading many of the stories on here of rships with believers/nonbelievers, these differences can cause major problems. My advice: Browse through the personal issues section and use each and every one of those posts as a cautionary tale before jumping into a rship with a believer. Personally, I could not date a believer-I love living in reality and being free too much and want to be able to share that with the person I love.
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16-02-2016, 06:28 AM (This post was last modified: 16-02-2016 06:31 AM by The Organic Chemist.)
RE: Dangers of dating a religious person
They can be successful relationships. Several of us on here are married to christians and it works fine. Some others have had horrible endings. I have been married to a christian for almost 13 years. She felt the same guilt before and after we were married. Granted I was not an atheist at the time but she knew I wasn't a christian. That has led to the only tension in our otherwise very healthy marriage. While I agree that she gave up a real relationship for an imaginary one, it isn't imaginary to her. If she was that devout, I think you need to move on as IMO the ones that happily work are the exception and not the rule. If she is that ready to throw it away, I think you are lucky it happened now instead of later where the stakes are higher. If you have any other questions or want to talk more, post it or feel free to PM me.


Edit: if I had to do it again, I would but I can't say I would recommend it. I would only do it again if I knew the outcome would be exactly the same.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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16-02-2016, 06:40 AM (This post was last modified: 16-02-2016 06:52 AM by FreeBeer.)
RE: Dangers of dating a religious person
Imo give her time and space, her dad passed away. If things change in time, great, if not move on. Idk, provide some kind of support.

(16-02-2016 06:27 AM)jennybee Wrote:  There are atheists and believers who are able to make things work in rships but in many cases, at least in my situation and in reading many of the stories on here of rships with believers/nonbelievers, these differences can cause major problems. My advice: Browse through the personal issues section and use each and every one of those posts as a cautionary tale before jumping into a rship with a believer. Personally, I could not date a believer-I love living in reality and being free too much and want to be able to share that with the person I love.

Gasp.... Weeping ...b-but finding Atheists is freaking difficult...

“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.” ― Mark Twain
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16-02-2016, 06:42 AM
RE: Dangers of dating a religious person
I've never had it happen to me, but I have seen it before.

It does boggle the mind, doesn't it??

Best advice I've got - move on. If she happens to get her head out of her ass and come back -- do so with caution.

Remember - anytime you break up and get back together with someone -- the reason for the original break is probably still lurking in a corner.......

............

And enjoy being single. Do some real "me" stuff.

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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16-02-2016, 06:45 AM
RE: Dangers of dating a religious person
I tried to date some religious men, before I was married. The difficult thing for me was the restrictions that some of the men I dated tried to place upon me due to their religious beliefs. The religious men that I dated argued with me about my personal liberties-I travel a lot alone...I go to events which they felt were not appropriate, I went to readings and shows which they concerned themselves with, parties I attended, and so on...

After a few dates, it became apparent that those particular men were just not very interested in what I believed, they had their own ideas about who I should become instead. In fact, each man I had dated, I decided to break up with before anything came of it, simply because I did not like the direction it was going in, and they treated me as if i did not have a brain of my own...and tried to change me.

I am married, very happily, to an atheist. He actually enjoys my mind and opinions, as well as my other bits.
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16-02-2016, 07:09 AM
RE: Dangers of dating a religious person
It could be a grief reaction combined with social pressure she's getting from her friends and family. See if she thinks differently in a few months, if you're still available at that point. It could be a red flag, though. It may be that withdrawing/running away is what she will always do in a stressful time. In which case: lesson learned, move on to a different person.

I don't think it's necessarily the religiosity that's at fault, because there are many happy atheist/religious marriages. But when you get back into dating it might be good to keep your eye out for a less religious person. If you're in an area of the country where there's a lot of sects which put a big emphasis on female "purity," like many evangelical sects and LDS, be aware that women brought up in those sects have a LOT of negative programming to work through. I speak from personal experience.
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16-02-2016, 08:33 AM
RE: Dangers of dating a religious person
I prefer to be the “religious” one in my romantic relationships. I can be friends with people who are more observant than I am, but as far as romance goes, I prefer men who are culturally aware but are not religious themselves. I was raised secular, so fastidious religious observance is foreign to me. I’ve dated a few really religious guys and I found them to be out of touch with the secular world. Keeping up with their level of observance to Jewish law was also tiresome and tended to grate on my nerves.

In a relationship, I’ll be the religious person and I’ll set the tone. Smile
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16-02-2016, 08:48 AM (This post was last modified: 16-02-2016 09:04 AM by Heatheness.)
RE: Dangers of dating a religious person
I can't speak for others but for me, no. In order to move into a relationship I would need respect and trust for that person. I don't think I could have that respect for someone who believed in such silly nonsense. The trust would never be there. When someone considers an imaginary being to have the "be all, end all say" I would never trust them to adhere to my wishes about health and end of life matters. No.

Would I have a fuckbuddy relationship, hell yeah. No problem (but I still doubt it would work for long). I just wouldn't put my life or any decision making responsibility in their hands.

**As for your relationship, I'm sorry she's reacted this way and it's causing you both pain. Fear as a motivator is a terrible thing and I think this is what has happened. When someone dies, especially unexpected, it is a huge reminder of our own mortality. People don't often handle that well. We are very good at denial and when reality slaps us in the face a lot of people's first reaction is to overreact. It may be a release in the long run but it will not be easy to accept that for quite awhile yet. If you want it to work out, it still could, if you're patient and give her some time to wrap her head around the new changes in her life. She may well settle down and float back towards a more normal place in her thoughts. But do you want to risk this same event happening at a later point in your lives? You need to think of your needs and what will get you through the heartbreak. IMO

I'm sorry for your loss. Hug

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