Dealing With Death
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18-05-2013, 08:09 PM
RE: Dealing With Death



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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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18-05-2013, 09:19 PM
RE: Dealing With Death
(18-05-2013 08:08 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Sorry for your losses Peanut.

While losing someone is pretty much always a hard thing to deal with, a sudden death really knocks you for a loop. Others have mentioned this.

It sucked when my dad died though we were expecting it and had just spent several days with him. We knew it was coming and in some ways were prepared, but the call still sucked when it came. However, I knew he was no longer suffering and he was ready for death.

When my first husband died, it undid my world. Though I had thought for a long time that he would end up in a bad wreck, hurting himself or others due to his addictions...when it actually happened I was not prepared. I went through the actual time around his death like on automatic. A couple years later found me at this grave screaming at him for leaving me with two kids that I had to explain things to. After a while I would 'talk' to him now and then.

We all deal with death in different ways and a lot depends on the relationship we had with the person and the circumstances around the death.

With dad, I said pretty much everything I wanted to in his last days. I didn't get that chance with Boone...it had to come out.

HUGS to you Peanut.
Thanks, Anjele Hug

I know I told you this before, but you are so strong Heart One HAS to be in order to endure all that you have experienced. (Based on all that I've gathered about you during my short time here.)

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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18-05-2013, 10:24 PM
RE: Dealing With Death
No more than others here have Peanut. We all have been through some serious shit in our lives...I just happen to have lived a lot longer than you so odds are that I have been exposed to more on the basis of longevity.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with the death of a loved one. We all go through it in our own way.

You are stronger than you think...you'll be fine.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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19-05-2013, 12:52 AM
RE: Dealing With Death
(05-02-2013 11:39 PM)Peanut Wrote:  In 2010, my [ex] brother-in-law killed himself. He was apart of my life since I can remember. He left two sons, ages 4 and 7 at the time. I cried for a majority of the day for days straight. He hung himself. I kept putting myself in his final moments. Did he regret it? Did he instinctively try to save himself? Anyway, I found myself talking aloud to him! I was doing the dishes and just talking to him. It made me feel so confused. If I believe someone is gone, then why was I compelled to talk to someone who ceased to exist? I still feel a void.

In July, 2012, my stepfather died in his sleep. He had a bad heart but he lived a full life at age 76. He and I bonded about our nonbeliefs. We were part of our own little club. But apparently nobody respected him enough when he died because when it came time for his funeral, they did the most generic sermon for him. "Walking through the valley..." blah, blah, blah. If he were there, he woulda been rolling his eyes alongeith me. He didn't need a prayer. He would've loved just hearing stories of the good old times. I didn't feel I needed to talk to him as I felt the need to talk to my brother-in-law. I knew he was headed out. I'm still lost. How do I cope with loss? They were the first loved ones I lost. Many of my friends and family say they pray for me. That's cool. They care. But eh...

Awwe peanut, so sorry you're hurting. I don't deal with loss well myself, I'm better at helping other people. Smile I generally throw myself into something, like cleaning, cooking...dunno. I avoid I guess.

My parents died pretty young...my grandparents and my aunt are all dead. I have a smattering of "cousins" but I don't have anything to do with them.

You're stronger than you think...

Big hugs!!


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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19-05-2013, 06:39 AM
RE: Dealing With Death
(19-05-2013 12:52 AM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Awwe peanut, so sorry you're hurting. I don't deal with loss well myself, I'm better at helping other people. Smile I generally throw myself into something, like cleaning, cooking...dunno. I avoid I guess.

My parents died pretty young...my grandparents and my aunt are all dead. I have a smattering of "cousins" but I don't have anything to do with them.

You're stronger than you think...

Big hugs!!

Oh, cleaning and cooking, walking, throwing a ball for the dog until he tires of it (does that ever happen?) etc etc are all good to do. Any physical activity that requires some but not a lot of concentration is good. It's not really avoidance, it allows you to digest the events at a slower pace. Give your brain a chance to work it out.

It's all good.

Grieving is a strange thing, when it happens you really have little control. Your brain and hormones do their thing to digest the loss, your body reacts with tears or activity or sleep and often lucid dreams. You find yourself unable to talk, or you can't shut up... and somehow you are in the background watching yourself act strangely.

What happens is that some part of your world image has broken off and it leaves you at a loss as to what to do about it. And you realize that there really is nothing you can do about it. So you are swept up in behaviors you might consider odd at other times.

The best thing to do is to just trust yourself and your coping mechanisms. They are uniquely yours, and even though millions of people have experienced the same losses, yours are still unique.

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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19-05-2013, 11:15 AM
RE: Dealing With Death
Dom! Yes! You encapsulated it perfectly. And kinda validated my personal weirdness too Smile


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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19-05-2013, 12:05 PM
RE: Dealing With Death
[hugs]

(05-02-2013 11:39 PM)Peanut Wrote:  In 2010, my [ex] brother-in-law killed himself. He was apart of my life since I can remember. He left two sons, ages 4 and 7 at the time. I cried for a majority of the day for days straight. He hung himself. I kept putting myself in his final moments. Did he regret it? Did he instinctively try to save himself? Anyway, I found myself talking aloud to him! I was doing the dishes and just talking to him. It made me feel so confused. If I believe someone is gone, then why was I compelled to talk to someone who ceased to exist? I still feel a void.

In July, 2012, my stepfather died in his sleep. He had a bad heart but he lived a full life at age 76. He and I bonded about our nonbeliefs. We were part of our own little club. But apparently nobody respected him enough when he died because when it came time for his funeral, they did the most generic sermon for him. "Walking through the valley..." blah, blah, blah. If he were there, he woulda been rolling his eyes alongeith me. He didn't need a prayer. He would've loved just hearing stories of the good old times. I didn't feel I needed to talk to him as I felt the need to talk to my brother-in-law. I knew he was headed out. I'm still lost. How do I cope with loss? They were the first loved ones I lost. Many of my friends and family say they pray for me. That's cool. They care. But eh...
My two cents:

Nothing weird about talking to him. I discovered my dad in 2011 when he died (heart attack), and not only did I talk to him for a few weeks, I kept walking the same path he took that morning (I was home from college and sleeping in the attic at the time). I'd make coffee in the dark, walk up to the bathroom, etc. I made a drawing of him as he was right then a few days later, from memory, which I've never showed anyone because it's probably disturbing, but that was something I felt like I needed to do. When you know someone well, you tend to create a mental simulation of them, you can predict what they'd say and how they'd react. In a way, it is like the person is now part of you. I think that is a way to cope, thinking about them, talking to them. I had dreams about him. They were nightmares in the beginning, then they weren't scary any more after a while.

My uncle died of an aneurysm in '09, I was close to him also, but I didn't really grieve about him until after my dad died, they had a lot in common and even looked alike. I spent days going through old yearbooks, reading newspaper clippings from the '70s about the band he was in, looking at photos.

I think everybody gets through things in their own way, in their own time. I don't think anyone can give you an answer on what's best for you. I think it will always hurt when someone close to you has died, in a way, but it will stop hurting as much and as often. (not the same as forgetting about a person, but I really feel that, with some people, i am able to focus on happy memories and the way these people changed my life for the better, rather than being sad about it).
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19-05-2013, 08:26 PM (This post was last modified: 19-05-2013 08:36 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Dealing With Death
(18-05-2013 08:09 PM)Dom Wrote:  


Uh huh. Yes



As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
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20-05-2013, 07:07 AM
RE: Dealing With Death
I have found grieving easier when I discuss and share memories with others that knew the person.

Many people try to avoid the topic because they don't want to upset the other, or don't want to cry in front of someone else. But it does help, at least for me. And not only does it help with my grief, but I find myself closer to those who are left behind.

It reminds me that the person will live forever in my memories and those around me. And eventually you can get to a point where you can discuss without the tears (usually).

My children knew my parents a bit, but lived far away and only saw them a few times a year. My girls are young and the only way they will 'know' their grandparents is if I share my memories of them. Every time I share something new about them, while it may bring a few tears momentarily, I know that my Mom and Dad will be known to my children. My own grandparents died before I was born- I knew nothing about them. I wish I did.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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