"Dealing with" Emotions
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18-01-2013, 04:06 PM (This post was last modified: 19-01-2013 05:42 PM by LadyJane.)
"Dealing with" Emotions
What does that mean? How do you do it?

I've been told that I do not deal with things. That I put my head in the sand. Push things back and never "deal" with them. In my mind, I am destracting from things.. I stay busy. Start a new project. Workout, compete, drink, hang with friends, whatever -- do anything but sit and wallow in what has, is, or could be bothering me. I'm confused as to what exactly "dealing with" your issues or emotions actually even means. I don't like talking about things with people because it is always the same conversation and ends in me crying and whining about the same things in my past or even present that I can just not change. I don't like to say the same thing 100 times to the same person(s) even when they tell me it is ok and they want me to talk - it feels like a horrible burden. ( probabaly because I have little to no empathy and I hate to be on the receiving end of these conversations) I just have no clue how to move past things that bother me.. little or big? What does "deal with or face it mean?!?

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18-01-2013, 04:21 PM
RE: "Dealing with" Emotions
I think it really depends on the emotion. Is it love, a grudge, etc.?

There are all sorts of mechanisms for dealing with emotions and disregarding them, staying busy is a valid one. Doesn't work in all situations, but it certainly works in some. For example, it'll work in most cases of unrequited love, but won't help much with grudges, I think.

And another thing, do you want to deal with things (the second part of your post kinda implies this) or are you just worrying that because of what others are saying maybe you're not handling things right (which would be silly, as there is no right or wrong way to handle/deal with emotions. We all do what works for us).

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, we need more info for a more detailed advice Wink

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18-01-2013, 04:41 PM
RE: "Dealing with" Emotions
I would definitely like to get some closure on some of them for sure. for one example

Hurt, abandenment from my father when I was a teen ( *sigh* cliche I know ) I was very much a daddy's girl. My mother and father divorced when I was young, remarried for me (they were open about this- this is not self hate) , and then divorced again once I told them that I was ok and it was hurting more than helping. But all in all, he was just the only person in my life that I ever trusted or relied on..and when it counted and someone did actually hurt me - he wasn't there. Long story short: My mother kicked me out due to my refusal to go to her morman church amonst other reasons I suppose, and I went to live with my father(freshman in HS) My step-mom was very jealous of our relationship and treated me horrible i.e refused to cook for me but would the rest of "her" family, accused me of doing drugs and being premisuous(I was had not, and was a virgin ), cutting me down in private and in public.. la la the list goes on.. and my father.. who was my protecter.. let her. About a year into all of this, he did finally stand up for me and almost resulted in them getting a divorce.. but I would not allow it and went back to live with my mother. He has tried to reconcile.. and I forgive him.. but I can't get rid of the grudge. I consider that the biggest emotional changing point in my life. This was quite a long time ago... and still in my quiet moments it hits me like a ton of bricks.



I guess it was a blanketed question -- I just would like to know if there is some sort of process.. ie steps to take.. Like trying to identify sources of emotions and then, fuck i don't know.. Just confused as to what people mean by "deal with it"? It makes it seem like there is some magical way to get rid of these emotions that I try so hard to push into the back of my head.

( sorry if I make no sense.. I've discussed the ADD before )

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18-01-2013, 04:47 PM
RE: "Dealing with" Emotions
I think it means something different to everybody, and even different things in different situations. But then, I've been told that I don't have any emotions, so what would I know about dealing with them? In any case though, I think people cope with different situations in different ways.

What's annoying is when someone tells you you need to deal with things the same way they do, or you are somehow repressed or in denial or something.
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18-01-2013, 04:57 PM
RE: "Dealing with" Emotions
(18-01-2013 04:41 PM)k37713 Wrote:  I would definitely like to get some closure on some of them for sure. for one example

Hurt, abandenment from my father when I was a teen ( *sigh* cliche I know ) I was very much a daddy's girl. My mother and father divorced when I was young, remarried for me (they were open about this- this is not self hate) , and then divorced again once I told them that I was ok and it was hurting more than helping. But all in all, he was just the only person in my life that I ever trusted or relied on..and when it counted and someone did actually hurt me - he wasn't there. Long story short: My mother kicked me out due to my refusal to go to her morman church amonst other reasons I suppose, and I went to live with my father(freshman in HS) My step-mom was very jealous of our relationship and treated me horrible i.e refused to cook for me but would the rest of "her" family, accused me of doing drugs and being premisuous(I was had not, and was a virgin ), cutting me down in private and in public.. la la the list goes on.. and my father.. who was my protecter.. let her. About a year into all of this, he did finally stand up for me and almost resulted in them getting a divorce.. but I would not allow it and went back to live with my mother. He has tried to reconcile.. and I forgive him.. but I can't get rid of the grudge. I consider that the biggest emotional changing point in my life. This was quite a long time ago... and still in my quiet moments it hits me like a ton of bricks.



I guess it was a blanketed question -- I just would like to know if there is some sort of process.. ie steps to take.. Like trying to identify sources of emotions and then, fuck i don't know.. Just confused as to what people mean by "deal with it"? It makes it seem like there is some magical way to get rid of these emotions that I try so hard to push into the back of my head.

( sorry if I make no sense.. I've discussed the ADD before )


Maybe whoever is telling you to "deal with it" means that s/he thinks you need to let go of the grudge...

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18-01-2013, 04:59 PM
RE: "Dealing with" Emotions
Identifying the problem (any problem) is very important. So in this respect, yeah, people were right. When there is something that is causing you pain, it is always wisest to think about it and try to get to the root of it all. Otherwise you may find yourself lashing out at people who are not in the least to blame, or torturing yourself unnecessary (I'm talking about real pain and real problems of course, not minor annoyances).

I'm sorry you had to go through this, esp. as a teenager, but it also sounds like your dad finally tried to do the right thing. Yeah, it probably took him much longer than it should have, but some people are weaker than others and there are things much more difficult to forgive than weakness. Probably not in our parents, but no matter how clichéd this sounds, they, too, are just human and make mistakes just like everyone else. Yeah, those hurt us more, but holding a grudge towards a parent is amongst the most draining things there are.

What I'm trying to say is, it sounds like your father loved (loves) you and while he did make mistakes, I think it would hurt you less if you could find it in your heart to move on. Or if you cannot, ask yourself what you want - do you want him to apologise? Do you want to stop seeing him at all? I think the answers to those questions may give you an idea of how you feel and what you need to do.

Also, try to get something useful out of this, like the lesson that people can sometimes hurt us even without meaning to. Or that trust has to be earned. Be careful of others and be aware that they may end up disappointing you, but not to the point of turning this into a wall and making it a self-fulfilling prophesy.

And no, there is no magical way of dealing/getting rid of emotions. But introspection helps a lot. (And by that, I do not mean spending days on end wallowing in sorrow and self-pity, just identifying the problem and trying to come up with a solution.)

(Probably didn't make much sense myself, vampires would do that to you Tongue )

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderò."
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18-01-2013, 05:16 PM
RE: "Dealing with" Emotions
Everyone deals differently. I think the people who accuse you of not dealing are really just people who deal differently than you do, so they're really accusing you of being different.

The only thing I'd suggest is not avoiding the emotion. If you feel something, love, hate, rage, sorrow, whatever, it's OK to feel it. Don't pretend (to yourself) that it's not there. Don't avoid it and hope it will go away. Face the emotion, recognize it, accept that it is real and part of you and OK, and then decide to deal with it however you want.

But if you're trying to fool yourself that the emotion is not real, or that you're too cool to have such an emotion (men who refuse to cry at sad movies, I'm looking at you...), or for whatever reason you try to convince yourself that it's wrong for you to feel this emotion, that's when you're probably making a mistake.

But who am I to judge - maybe that's exactly how some people deal with emotions (although shrinks would say otherwise, I think).

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18-01-2013, 08:40 PM
RE: "Dealing with" Emotions
Dom you are probably right. And Vera you're too on a lot of you"re points. The problem is not that I don't want to let it go but more that I don't know how to. This is just one instance in a few so I didn't really mean to focus so much on the father issue. But since that is where we landed..I do know that he loves me..that he always has, even when that was happening..Its just that I was hurting so bad from the situation and I couldn't understand how someone who cared so much could sit there and watch it happen with no reaction to my obvious break down.. It has just created such horrible trust issues with me and feeling completely isolated..which in Ike's has actually been good..but left me ugh.. Just jaded I guess.. My father has done everything he possibly could do to let me know he is sorry and was wrong..I know it is up to me to let it go and I do want to.. Just don't know where to start.. And skeptic..I very much am the person who has convinced the self that they are too cool to feel certain emotions..because it makes me feel weak.. I am not the most emotional girl out there naturally..but e emotions that I see as weaknesses(falsely..just ingrained from past experiences and trying to be tough)I try my best to ignore and push away ..which does end up with them biting me in the ass even harder sometimes by breaking down and then I start to self loathe..vicious circle.. #ramble

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19-01-2013, 02:40 AM (This post was last modified: 19-01-2013 06:16 AM by Vera.)
RE: "Dealing with" Emotions
(18-01-2013 08:40 PM)k37713 Wrote:  Dom you are probably right. And Vera you're too on a lot of you"re points. The problem is not that I don't want to let it go but more that I don't know how to. This is just one instance in a few so I didn't really mean to focus so much on the father issue. But since that is where we landed..I do know that he loves me..that he always has, even when that was happening..Its just that I was hurting so bad from the situation and I couldn't understand how someone who cared so much could sit there and watch it happen with no reaction to my obvious break down.. It has just created such horrible trust issues with me and feeling completely isolated..which in Ike's has actually been good..but left me ugh.. Just jaded I guess.. My father has done everything he possibly could do to let me know he is sorry and was wrong..I know it is up to me to let it go and I do want to.. Just don't know where to start.. And skeptic..I very much am the person who has convinced the self that they are too cool to feel certain emotions..because it makes me feel weak.. I am not the most emotional girl out there naturally..but e emotions that I see as weaknesses(falsely..just ingrained from past experiences and trying to be tough)I try my best to ignore and push away ..which does end up with them biting me in the ass even harder sometimes by breaking down and then I start to self loathe..vicious circle.. #ramble
Why I'm not overly emotional either, but I think you should be honest with yourself. Hiding how you feel from others I get, but not from yourself. You obviously realise you're not immune to emotions (you say so yourself), so you should at least admit them to yourself and start from there. I mean, if you're tying to fool even yourself, you'll have a steep mountain to climb indeed.

I hate turning stuff around to talk about myself when people are asking for advice, but if I may for a just a bit. I've had some not particularly pleasant experience with family members myself (not parents) and I don't think I'm ever going to forget it. I'm not mad anymore, but I also know that if they start doing it again, I'll just walk away and that would be that. Not angry (because anger is a draining emotion), just wouldn't allow it anymore.

Not the same with a parent, though, and that's why I asked you to imagine what you'd like to do. If you can see yourself walking away, think what it means. If you can't - same. But if your father has apologised (more than once), it's also not fair to expect him to continue doing it, neither to him, nor to yourself.

One last thing - talking about stuff helps. Not because you find some miraculous solution, but because at one point you just get it out of your system. Also, saying stuff out loud makes us realise it's not as horrible as it appears when we're keeping it inside and turning it over and over in our heads.

(A quick aside - a lot of people have trust issues and they don't always spring from childhood trauma. Or not entirely. So maybe you're putting too much blame on your dad?)

EDIT: Sometimes, no matter how much we've moved on, past it or however you wanna call it, a tiny bit of resentment continues to linger. That's okay. Just do not give it too much power over you and don't allow it to shape who you are and how you feel.

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderò."
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19-01-2013, 06:20 PM
RE: "Dealing with" Emotions
(18-01-2013 08:40 PM)k37713 Wrote:  The problem is not that I don't want to let it go but more that I don't know how to.
I think this is what whomever is telling you to 'deal with it' is referring to.

It is one thing to just think "meh." and move on. If that's okay, then that is okay. But if you have a feeling of not 'letting go', then whatever it is you can't let go of (hurt, forgiveness, loss, abandonment, etc) is still there, underneath. This is called a suppressed emotion. Instead of 'carrying' the emotion, it is buried or suppressed (not 'dealt' with).

Talk therapy is very useful for bringing up and expressing these emotions and then having someone help you guide through them in a safe way. When emotions come up, a way to 'let go' is not to avoid them, but live through them. If it's hurtful, cry. The act of crying soothes the brain and actually repairs it to a healthier state. If it's anger, then take it out on something and be physical. This 'releases' the emotion and is also beneficial. Avoiding the emotions can cause other actions in order to 'deal with' them- some can be negative actions, like alcohol and drug abuse, body abuse and other unhealthy habits (just to be aware).

As cheese ball as this is, this is actually not bad for some info:


You mentioned not having empathy for others sometimes. It is possible that this is part of emotional suppression as well. When some people suppress their emotions, they can block the empathy for themselves and this can 'spill' over onto others as well, perhaps for people who may be dealing with similar issues.
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