Dealing with crappy family? How?
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28-08-2012, 12:44 PM
Dealing with crappy family? How?
The more I read here in the forum the more I wonder.
I understand that a lot of you guys/gals here have families you are less then just "not proud" of.

I have the same problem.
Pretty much my whole family is completely fucked up.
I deal with it by doing what I can do best, dropping one by one like a hot potato. Just stopping contact to everyone who proves themselves to be an asshole and not worthy my energy and devotion.
So I dropped contact with my father when I was 14, with my grandparents when I was 21, with my mother when I was 22 (needed a break but am now back in touch), with my brothers when I was around 23 although I have lose contact with one of them by now.
My whole family pissed me off for long enough so now I just don't want them in my live anymore.

I have a huge problem with the fact that my mother, who I like as a friend and not as a mother, and my brother want to see me. They want me to visit town and I am still not ready to do that, I keep inviting them to Romania > mainly because I know they can't afford the trip but so I don't seem rude.
Is that a bad stradegy? Just not ready to see them that's all.

Do any of you find themselves in this position? If yes, how do you deal?
Second of all, we are moving back to my hubby's country that we left because we were poor and because of his family. Now we are not poor anymore, but I feel weird about his family and I am sure he has mixed feelings as well.

Weird everything, need input please.

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28-08-2012, 02:23 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
I've got a millionaire for an uncle who never wants to see his family again. He won't even communicate over the web, but oh well.

As for your situation. If you're not ready then keep on doing what you are doing. It seems like you have things held down with your family.

As for you guys family, what exactly is so weird? did they help you? or are they religious as well. As I see it, as long as you and your spouse agree on what to do no one else should matter. your lives belong to you two.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

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28-08-2012, 02:56 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
(28-08-2012 12:44 PM)Leela Wrote:  The more I read here in the forum the more I wonder.
I understand that a lot of you guys/gals here have families you are less then just "not proud" of.

That'd be an understatement.

(28-08-2012 12:44 PM)Leela Wrote:  I have the same problem.
Pretty much my whole family is completely fucked up.
I deal with it by doing what I can do best, dropping one by one like a hot potato. Just stopping contact to everyone who proves themselves to be an asshole and not worthy my energy and devotion.
So I dropped contact with my father when I was 14, with my grandparents when I was 21, with my mother when I was 22 (needed a break but am now back in touch), with my brothers when I was around 23 although I have lose contact with one of them by now.
My whole family pissed me off for long enough so now I just don't want them in my live anymore.

How have they done so, if I may ask?

(28-08-2012 12:44 PM)Leela Wrote:  I have a huge problem with the fact that my mother, who I like as a friend and not as a mother, and my brother want to see me. They want me to visit town and I am still not ready to do that, I keep inviting them to Romania > mainly because I know they can't afford the trip but so I don't seem rude.
Is that a bad stradegy? Just not ready to see them that's all.

Well, they still love you. That's a start.

(28-08-2012 12:44 PM)Leela Wrote:  Do any of you find themselves in this position? If yes, how do you deal?
Second of all, we are moving back to my hubby's country that we left because we were poor and because of his family. Now we are not poor anymore, but I feel weird about his family and I am sure he has mixed feelings as well.

I've cut myself off from quite a bit of my family. I just ignore them, and I am sure that the feeling is mutual. Does your family dislike your beliefs, or?

(28-08-2012 12:44 PM)Leela Wrote:  Weird everything, need input please.

I don't think it is weird.

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28-08-2012, 04:42 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
(28-08-2012 02:56 PM)Logica Humano Wrote:  
(28-08-2012 12:44 PM)Leela Wrote:  I understand that a lot of you guys/gals here have families you are less then just "not proud" of.
That'd be an understatement.
Didn't want to sound too negative Big Grin

(28-08-2012 02:56 PM)Logica Humano Wrote:  
(28-08-2012 12:44 PM)Leela Wrote:  I have the same problem.
My whole family pissed me off for long enough so now I just don't want them in my live anymore.
How have they done so, if I may ask?
Ok, just deleted a wall of text. Will give the short version instead.
Father drunk asshole who has always been unable to hold a job, started being abusive towards my mom, and making us move so much that I had moved 12 times when I was 9 years old.
Grandfather, abusive drunk asshole, got away with homicide and stealing the baby that was left after that. Was abusive towards my mother under the influence of alcohol and forced her to an abortion.
Grandmother would never say anything and look away.
One brother knows everything better although he has no clue, bad mouthing my mom, telling me if I have a problem I should not turn towards him because it's my life.
Other brother means well to me but is so right wing and unwilling to learn things that he is very annoying with his right phrases. He was in prison for 2 years because he decided it is a good idea to rob old ladies and break into a small shop.
My mom ... I don't even know where to begin. Not a good mother at all to spare you the novel. But she has something special. I know in her case that she at least tried to be a good mother, she just did a crappy job. She was a very young mother, didn't know better, so I can forgive her, but I am very hurt, not ready to go back for a visit.

(28-08-2012 02:56 PM)Logica Humano Wrote:  Well, they still love you. That's a start.
Dunno if that's love or if they are just nosy and wanna tell me what to do again. Because in emails... ya well...

(28-08-2012 02:56 PM)Logica Humano Wrote:  I've cut myself off from quite a bit of my family. I just ignore them, and I am sure that the feeling is mutual. Does your family dislike your beliefs, or?
Why did you cut yourself off them? Don't they treat you well?
In my case, no, it is not the belief.

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28-08-2012, 05:01 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
(28-08-2012 04:42 PM)Leela Wrote:  Didn't want to sound too negative Big Grin

I suppose.

(28-08-2012 04:42 PM)Leela Wrote:  Ok, just deleted a wall of text. Will give the short version instead.
Father drunk asshole who has always been unable to hold a job, started being abusive towards my mom, and making us move so much that I had moved 12 times when I was 9 years old.
Grandfather, abusive drunk asshole, got away with homicide and stealing the baby that was left after that. Was abusive towards my mother under the influence of alcohol and forced her to an abortion.
Grandmother would never say anything and look away.
One brother knows everything better although he has no clue, bad mouthing my mom, telling me if I have a problem I should not turn towards him because it's my life.
Other brother means well to me but is so right wing and unwilling to learn things that he is very annoying with his right phrases. He was in prison for 2 years because he decided it is a good idea to rob old ladies and break into a small shop.
My mom ... I don't even know where to begin. Not a good mother at all to spare you the novel. But she has something special. I know in her case that she at least tried to be a good mother, she just did a crappy job. She was a very young mother, didn't know better, so I can forgive her, but I am very hurt, not ready to go back for a visit.

Ah, I see. Do you feel as though your brothers feel that way because of your father, or is it something else? As for your mother, I can understand her position. I'd have to sit and think, "What was it like in her shoes".
Was your father physically abusive?

(28-08-2012 04:42 PM)Leela Wrote:  Dunno if that's love or if they are just nosy and wanna tell me what to do again. Because in emails... ya well...

I'd ask what they want, and if it turns out to be their wanting to control you again, leave. That's what I'd do.

(28-08-2012 04:42 PM)Leela Wrote:  Why did you cut yourself off them? Don't they treat you well?
In my case, no, it is not the belief.

Some of my immediate family are fine. But as a rule, being told I am damned to hell, told I am a supporter of Hitler's epigentic genocide, and being cutoff from most communication, that's a clear indicator that much of my family doesn't. I hate them for it, because family is supposed to love you no matter what, but they don't. So fuck them.
We are not here to talk about me though. We are here to talk about you.

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28-08-2012, 05:38 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
(28-08-2012 04:42 PM)Leela Wrote:  Ah, I see. Do you feel as though your brothers feel that way because of your father, or is it something else?
Was your father physically abusive?
I don't know why my brothers feel the way they do, I haven't spoken to them in years. And before that it was only stressful, never family like. Only recently one of my brothers found me on facebook and still, he complains a lot but if I ask what's the matter, he won't tell, so I don't ask anymore.
My father, he tried to be physically abusive towards my mom but when he did the second time, she had a knife and told him if he doesn't leave now, she will stab him. So he left. For a short time he had my brothers for care, and he would beat them up all the time, with a belt, or made them go and get the bamboo stick and he would beat them with that... cruel arse... Not forgivable. Not sure if he understands how big his part was in fucking up this family.

(28-08-2012 04:42 PM)Leela Wrote:  I'd ask what they want, and if it turns out to be their wanting to control you again, leave. That's what I'd do.
They say they just want to see me. But they can say a lot. It always turned out in them telling me what to do and how to live my life.

(28-08-2012 04:42 PM)Leela Wrote:  Some of my immediate family are fine. But as a rule, being told I am damned to hell, told I am a supporter of Hitler's epigentic genocide, and being cutoff from most communication, that's a clear indicator that much of my family doesn't. I hate them for it, because family is supposed to love you no matter what, but they don't. So fuck them.
We are not here to talk about me though. We are here to talk about you.
I am sorry you feel that way about your family... It is hard to feel unloved, I understand that. Really sorry, and even though I know the feeling I still get my "wtf-moments" when others have that problem too. I don't understand why so many love conditionally... I love my hubby unconditionally and I will feel the same once I have kids...
We are here to talk about everyone in similar situations, so it is absolutely fine if you tell your story, no worries!

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28-08-2012, 05:48 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
A lot of people have overwhelming families to tolerate. I'm not old enough to get out of the house yet, only by a couple of years, and the excessive amount of drama and problems that pile up around me really do push me away from my family. It would have that effect on anyone. And it sucks, you know, to say "I'm supposed to love my family unconditionally but holy hell I just never want to see these complicated, over-dramatic, problematic people again."

That feel. We've all had it.
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28-08-2012, 06:40 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
Ferdinand, I don't know how old you are... 15? 16? I hope I am not making a fool of myself by guessing the age like that, out of the blue.
Anyway, I understand how frustrating it is if you just can't leave your family for the simple reason of age.... Had the same problem back then.
But I had the advantage of knowing my rights and the parental duties very well. So I just shoved it in mom's face what has to happen to keep me in the house, because in Germany (where I grew up) you do have a say of where you live once you turn 14, and you can go to the youth welfare office and tell them that you can not stay at home for xyz serious reasons. And I had enough of those. Turned out that my mom took me serious to change some things, so I stayed. I am not sure if there is something like that, law-wise in your country but you might wanna check it out.

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28-08-2012, 07:20 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
I feel for all those that have family troubles.

When I was young the only person I was close to was my half-sister. I used to be close to my father but when I left religion our relationship went sour. When I was religious I didn't really spend much time with my mom, but when I became non-religous and my dad started abusing her (more verbal abuse but he did break furnature sometimes), I became much closer to her.

My half-sister (who look suspiciousally like ZOMGitsCriss) moved to Canada and left me alone with my parents. I lived with my parents until I got married, I think the only way I survived that is I lived in the basement and I almost never ventured to the rest of the house. My mom hardly ever bothered me, but my dad did frequently come down to preach and critisize my lifestyle, I probably just ignored him until he left, my memory is kinda fuzzy from back then.

During my marrage, my ex would pressure me to spend time with my family (maybe because she felt guilty that we spent a lot of time with her family). My parents helped my finish the bacement in our house, but while I did learn a few things from my dad about remodeling a house, my realationship became more strained. I finally snapped when, during my seperation from my ex, we were getting the house ready to sell and in the car my dad started up on his bullshit. In a fit of rage and already in a state of deep depression from the seperation I slammed on the gas ready to drive strait into another vehicle in an attempt to kill the both of us. Thankfully I thought about the person in the other car and stopped.

I have not spoken to my father since, I have blocked him on my phone, e-mail and any other thing I could think of. My mom and I have stayed in touch and she has offered to pay for me to go to college. She has expressed the desire to leave my father, which made me extremely happy.

I can only suggest that you only open up on your terms, if they are not willing to agree to your terms they are not ready to patch up the relationship. I personally have no problem with completely writing off people like my dad, who I will never be able to forgive. I just focus on the relationships that I feel can be salvaged, but draw boundries (like when I had to live with my parents for a bit after my seperation, but before the actual divorce, I wrote them a long e-mail about what topics were strictly off limits like talking about my ex. *this was before I snapped in the car with my father*)

I have seen with my friends it is sometimes easier to have a relationship with family when you are not living with them, but not every family member deserves to have a relationship with someone as awsome as you Smile
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28-08-2012, 07:29 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
Leela,
It took me a long time to learn a few things where family is concerned. Religion, culture, and society put an awful lot of stock in the importance of family...the whole blood is thicker than water concept and the religious honor thy father and mother.

The truth of the matter is that some of us got stuck in families that are damaging to us. If you had a friend, neighbor, or coworker that treated you as badly as family sometimes can, you would cut them from your life.

We don't get to choose our bio-families and sometimes they just aren't good people or are good people to have around us.

If you aren't ready to spend time with family members, don't. You are an adult, you are now responsible for taking care of yourself in all ways. When the damage done continues to outweigh any benefit, it's time to put an end to it.

A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship. It doesn't matter if the person is blood or not.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, it was a hard pill for me to swallow. The decision not casually made and also not without pain. But it has been the right decision for me. I haven't talked to my mother in about eight years now except when I called my grandmother's house when she died...I figured with seven surviving children there, my chances were slim that my mother would answer the phone. Of course, she did. I kept my cool, listened to her spew some of the same old venom and at least felt I had done the right thing by dialing the phone. I don't have much contact with my brother though my sister and I have reconnected in the last few years.

Take care of yourself and do what feels right to you.

Hugs...A

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