Dealing with crappy family? How?
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28-08-2012, 08:53 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
Leela,

From reading a couple of your posts in different threads I think it would help you to learn how to set boundaries with people for what is acceptable to you and what is not. Unless yours is a truly unusual situation my guess is that it would be good for you to have a relationship with your mother, father, brothers and grandparents. You can set the boundaries for what the relationship is. It could be lunch once per year with your father, or a phone call once a week with your mother. Whatever. But being cut off is not usually a good thing unless the person is really toxic.

The challenge for you is how to have a limited relationship, without letting the other person take too much or invade your space. You might try writing a letter to these people, to give a voice to your feelings and to lay out what you hope to have with them, but also to say what is no longer acceptable (eg I'm not going to visit you any time soon, I don't want to discuss your problems like I'm your mother, or whatever.)
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29-08-2012, 04:11 AM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
@AViegarein: I am sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are happy-ish with the solution you found to deal. If your mother would really split/divorce, would you take her in for some time in case your father kicks her out for it?

@Anjele: I liked how you expressed it like "the same old venom" This is EXACTLY what it feels like. I invited my mom to my wedding last year and she did manage to come. There are a few pictures with us where she smiles and is happy and my face expresses nearly anger in the first shot (not because I felt angry or anything, I just can't help it) and then the person taking the pic told me "smile!" and I did...

@Jeff: Your "unless" is the case. Yes it is a unusual situation. My family drove me towards suicide and it was not my family that stopped me in the end. My family is not a family at all and has never behaved like that. It is a bunch of drunks and criminals and getting back in touch is not a good idea for my mental health.

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29-08-2012, 06:46 AM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
(29-08-2012 04:11 AM)Leela Wrote:  @Jeff: Your "unless" is the case. Yes it is a unusual situation. My family drove me towards suicide and it was not my family that stopped me in the end. My family is not a family at all and has never behaved like that. It is a bunch of drunks and criminals and getting back in touch is not a good idea for my mental health.

Then why are you having any contact with any of them? Why are you inviting them to stay with you in Romania? Don't tell me that it's because you "know" they won't come. To deal with dysfunctional people in a way that's healthy for you, you need to set the boundary and not evade it. Otherwise you're giving them power over you, which is unhealthy for you.
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29-08-2012, 07:40 AM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
Jeff: Yes, I tell you "because I know they won't come". I don't mean them ill, especially my mother. Plus even IF they would come to Romania to visit, the situation is that they are staying at MY place, they are the visitors, so my house my rules. You tell me how my live is shit and you may leave if it is so bad. Know what I mean. If I am the visitor coming, I have a scheduled flight and if I am pissed off, I can go to a hotel but I can not leave as far as I want to immediately.

About the power, I try to not give them any. I am not telling them important things that are not decided yet. I intentionally keep alot of things from my mother. And I generally treat her like a friend, I have an open ear, I share my "wisdom" if she asks for an opinion, give her some small talk, and would she say "Leela, please come, I need help here" I would try to come and help, because that is what I would do for all my friends.

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29-08-2012, 07:51 AM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
Yes but....,

they have the power. You may think that you are not giving it to them, but your thread is witness to the fact that they do still have it.

A trip to see them could work out either way then - either you go, they do the song and dance you are afraid of, and you find that it doesn't affect you much and you have actually taken the power back. That would be great, it would be most liberating.

Or, you go and it still drives you nuts, and you find their power to make you miserable is firmly in place.

Do you know which would happen?

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29-08-2012, 12:03 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
Leela,
I'm sorry to see your life of trouble with the family such as it is.

In your place I wouldn't try to contact the family or even think of meeting them again. My asocial brain wouldn't understand why possibly they'd want to meet me, much less for a good reason. I need very good (specific) reasons to meet people, because just being social is not enough of a reason for me.

I think you should test the waters a bit, with a webcam and Skype. Talk to your mom, check her out if she's all right and find out how the rest of your family is doing. If that isn't too much on your feelings already.
If you ever visit your family personally, make sure you don't visit them alone and try to keep a backup plan for any crisis or sudden need of leaving. Shortly said, keep the power over yourself.

It might be heartless to say, but specially watch out for signs of alcohol and possible money-related overtones in the talk of your family members on Skype. Sorry, but both my brothers have girlfriends from alcoholic families and there's more such families around.
And of course, look out for them again telling you what to do. If they fall into that habit, try to point that out to them, if they're so smart, why aren't they well off just like you? (a bad idea probably)

Again, I might sound a little heartless here, but so far I lived thinking I had a perfect family and well, turns out that I had not. It was more painful, I believe, than a death in the family. Death is clean, it doesn't make people assholes. The things we do to each other when alive...

The lesson to learn here is that sometimes you need to defend yourself even from family members, be it separation of property and finances, a place to live, contact or feelings. It is your first duty to take care of yourself - and theirs too. If they can't keep up the job, it's not your duty to fix them, certainly not at the expense of you, your husband and others.

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29-08-2012, 01:08 PM (This post was last modified: 29-08-2012 02:27 PM by Logica Humano.)
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
(28-08-2012 05:38 PM)Leela Wrote:  I don't know why my brothers feel the way they do, I haven't spoken to them in years. And before that it was only stressful, never family like. Only recently one of my brothers found me on facebook and still, he complains a lot but if I ask what's the matter, he won't tell, so I don't ask anymore.

They could be feeling the same pain as you, but that is the only way they learned express it. There could be a million variables as to why they are acting that way towards you, and most of them have nothing to do with you, specifically. Men, especially, are conditioned by society to bottle their emotions up.

(28-08-2012 05:38 PM)Leela Wrote:  My father, he tried to be physically abusive towards my mom but when he did the second time, she had a knife and told him if he doesn't leave now, she will stab him. So he left. For a short time he had my brothers for care, and he would beat them up all the time, with a belt, or made them go and get the bamboo stick and he would beat them with that... cruel arse... Not forgivable. Not sure if he understands how big his part was in fucking up this family.

Hm. Perhaps he doesn't.

(28-08-2012 05:38 PM)Leela Wrote:  They say they just want to see me. But they can say a lot. It always turned out in them telling me what to do and how to live my life.

There are times where you I feel one has to listen, and this is one of those times. You would be risking hurting your family more, but you'd have to pay to fly there for nothing if they do. It is a dilemma, so you'd have to weigh the consequences.

I am sorry you feel that way about your family... It is hard to feel unloved, I understand that. Really sorry, and even though I know the feeling I still get my "wtf-moments" when others have that problem too. I don't understand why so many love conditionally... I love my hubby unconditionally and I will feel the same once I have kids...

Don't feel sorry, you had nothing to do with it. It is uncomfortable, but I have to move on. If they are willing to talk, I will talk, but until then, they can bite the dust. I know you will be far better than what you and I both have dealt with.

(28-08-2012 05:38 PM)Leela Wrote:  We are here to talk about everyone in similar situations, so it is absolutely fine if you tell your story, no worries!
I prefer to avoid my problems, but thanks for the concern. Big Grin

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29-08-2012, 01:26 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
(29-08-2012 04:11 AM)Leela Wrote:  @AViegarein: I am sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are happy-ish with the solution you found to deal. If your mother would really split/divorce, would you take her in for some time in case your father kicks her out for it?

Thanks, I can't say that my way of dealing with my family has been great, but it is manageable. I am normally not very social and I don't have many friends so shutting out any number of people does hurt, however trying to keep a relationship with someone like my father hurts much more. Since my divorce and my mom and her mom's support for school I have: Quit my crappy job and got one that like better, organized my finiances so now I have some savings again, and I start school next week (there goes that savings Tongue).

As for my mother, she thankfully she has a job that if she needed a place to stay there is a room available for her. If I wan't living with my friend in his shithole of a house I would totally have my mom live with me, but I think she's going to be the one saving me from my living situation. She actually was kicked out of the apartment when they were living in Arizona, so she rented a semi packed what she could get and drove back up here (Nebraska). She had something setup, and she had the divorce paperwork ready to go, but she choose to go back.

I appreciate your sympathy, and I hope you find what's best for you and your family. Every situation is unique and there is no way to make everyone happy, just focus on your happiness; because in the end you are only responsible for your happiness not anyone elses. And I know I don't speak for anyone but myself (and I'm still fairly new here), but I feel whatever happens you have friends here Thumbsup
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29-08-2012, 02:50 PM
RE: Dealing with crappy family? How?
@Dom, maybe you are right... And there goes my learning to say "no" again... Not as easy as one might think.

@Luminon, we tried the Skype thing, doesn't work out well. About Alcohol, my mom is not alcoholic or a druggy. She has her joint every now and again, which is fine by my standards, and that is it, nothing else.

@Logica Humano *huggy*

@AViegarein, that sounds pretty good, I think Smile You seem to have found a good way, and I'm very happy for you. Smile

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