Dealing with my death sentence...
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03-03-2018, 05:37 AM
RE: Dealing with my death sentence...
DunkleSeele,

You are a wise and sensible person; I don't even need to say courageous.

Of course, showing love to your young son is the job now, and I'm sure you know that. Others here have made important suggestions about your legacy and anything you do in the time ahead will be treasured. It is not everyone who gets the time or has the confidence to show an example of love and you obviously have the ability to do that.

I hope when my time comes I get the same opportunity with our daughter.

Warmest thoughts,

D.
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03-03-2018, 01:13 PM
RE: Dealing with my death sentence...
(20-02-2018 10:13 AM)DunkleSeele Wrote:  To cut a long story short, it looks like there's no way out. I have been put on palliative chemotherapy and was told that, statistically, I have little more than a year left. Two years, if I am lucky.

Now, I'm not afraid of death but I'm very keen on fighting this thing as much as I can. I also know that, if and when there will be no way out and the suffering will be too much to bear, I will ask for assisted suicide (here in Switzerland it's legal). My wife is devastated but promised me to respect my wish for the assisted suicide if I will want to go for it.

We have a little kid (he turned 7 last Saturday) and, for the time being, he doesn't know the whole story; sure, we told him that I'm ill and I need therapy, but he doesn't know yet that I'm basically condemned. Frankly speaking, both my wife and I are quite lost on this point; we know he should know the truth, but how can you tell your little kid that dad is going to die soon? Is there even a way to say that without destroying him?

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I've read this thread a couple of times but always hesitated to answer because of the memories it brings up.

So I'll just tell you some things about my experience when my mother was diagnosed with ALS when I was 11yrs old. I knew that my mother's disease was terminal at least a year before my parent's sat my sister & I down and told us. This was pre-internet BTW, but my father started signing up for medical journals & magazines & the ALS Society news letter, etc... He kept them in his home office, I read them all, I remember when I first read in the ALS news letter ...usual life expectancy after diagnosis is 2 1/2 years...
So hard as it is to deal with, and I don't know how curious your son is, but he might already know (or suspect), and hasn't told you.

The journal or video is a good idea. After my mom died I found the beginnings of a journal she was typing, she only got 2 pages done, not sure if it was because she lost the ability to type or if she didn't know what else to say, but I still have it, and every once in a while I still read it, I also kept the letters & notes that both my mom & dad wrote during their time looking for treatments, and their attempts to even get her into experimental trials, etc... The fact that many of them are still in her hand writing just adds a stronger connection for me.

Lastly, I could see that my parents were under all kinds of stress, and I didn't want to add to their problems. I know, it sounds silly because I'm their kid and I shouldn't have to worry about things like that, but even after my mother's death my father had so many things to deal with, and I might not have understood it all at the time but I could see the stress he was under. It was a few years after her death before my father & I really sat down and talked about those years.

Having said that you might consider having someone other then his mother, a little removed but still close, available that he can confide in as a "back up" in case he's like me.

Hug

A friend in the hole

"If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are." - Captain Picard
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03-03-2018, 04:07 PM
RE: Dealing with my death sentence...
(20-02-2018 10:13 AM)DunkleSeele Wrote:  I really don't know why I'm writing this, I'm not the kind of person who usually rants on a public forum; I guess I just need to put a bit of order in my thoughts... anyway, a bit of background:

Last year in May I started having intestinal problems: pains, nausea, vomit; at first I was diagnosed with an intestinal flu but, as things didn't get better, I was prescribed some exams. Finally, on 9th July I went to ER because I couldn't take it any more - in the meanwhile I lost 10kg (22 lbs) - and was diagnosed with an occlusion of the small intestine; I got emergency surgery as the first half of my small intestine was so swollen that it was going to rupture and it turned out that the occlusion was caused by a carcinoma. It was removed and I recovered pretty well and quickly but a CAT scan revealed that I also had a suspect nodule on my right lung.

I underwent a chemotherapy cycle and finally last November I got lung surgery. It was indeed another carcinoma, which at the time had not spread to the neighbouring lymph nodes. Once again, I was up and running in almost no time and everything looked fine.
At the beginning of the year I started having some light abdominal pains. A PET scan revealed that I have several metastasis in the peritoneum, as well as one on the right adrenal gland.

To cut a long story short, it looks like there's no way out. I have been put on palliative chemotherapy and was told that, statistically, I have little more than a year left. Two years, if I am lucky.

Now, I'm not afraid of death but I'm very keen on fighting this thing as much as I can. I also know that, if and when there will be no way out and the suffering will be too much to bear, I will ask for assisted suicide (here in Switzerland it's legal). My wife is devastated but promised me to respect my wish for the assisted suicide if I will want to go for it.

We have a little kid (he turned 7 last Saturday) and, for the time being, he doesn't know the whole story; sure, we told him that I'm ill and I need therapy, but he doesn't know yet that I'm basically condemned. Frankly speaking, both my wife and I are quite lost on this point; we know he should know the truth, but how can you tell your little kid that dad is going to die soon? Is there even a way to say that without destroying him?

For the time being I'm feeling pretty well, besides some abdominal pains, but these are easily taken care of by some light pain killers. Otherwise, I'm still living a normal life, although I know that soon my situation will start getting worse. To be frank, I'm scared of the moment when we will have to tell our kid the whole truth.

Right, I've been already ranting too much... thanks for reading this, if you made it up to this point!

Right now I am shocked. I really don't know what to say except for one thing.

Your concern for your son while you yourself are in such a dire situation speaks volumes about the quality of your character. That kind of strength is beyond my comprehension.

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13-03-2018, 10:55 PM
RE: Dealing with my death sentence...
I'm so genuinely sorry for you,

What you are going through is terrible and I would like to complement you on your handling of the situation. You are a truly good and complete human being to accept your terrible condition and fate with strength and dignity as well as to be more concerned with the welfare of your family before you own even given your condition. Your family and friends are truly lucky to have you in their lives even if only for a few more years.

To answer your question, as others before have stated it is best to just sit down and tell your child. Looking back to when I was a child I understood death at that age and know it will be difficult for her/him to hear but it will allow the child to realize the limited time he/she has to spend with his/her father and make the most of the diminishing time.

We all go someday, I am bitterly sad that you must go too soon, stay strong you brave wonderful man, enjoy, laugh, live.
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