Dealing with terminally ill family member
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07-05-2017, 05:36 AM
RE: Dealing with terminally ill family member
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07-05-2017, 05:47 AM
RE: Dealing with terminally ill family member
(08-03-2017 09:17 PM)Closet-Heathen Wrote:  My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer about 3 years ago, and all indications were that she had beat it... She went through a couple rounds of chemo and radiation, and has had no new tumor growth since initial diagnosis. Dr. said he thought it looked good and the she was clear. Until this last December when she started having severe problems with her balance, went to PT, which didn't help, finally dr. ordered a CT scan of brain, which revealed 3 "large" tumors and possibly some more that are too small to show on CT (not definitive - and she can't have MRI due to previous surgery with pin placement). Apparently this is one of the most common things to happen these days with lung cancer, if people live long enough - most often it goes to the brain - so WHY in the hell did her oncologist not keep his eye on this AT ALL?? I'm angry about that... If it had been caught sooner she may have had half a chance, but now she does not, and has stage 4 lung cancer which has metastasized to her brain.

Anyway, we are meeting with Hospice tomorrow, hoping we can find a way that she can get care while remaining in her home, where she has lived independently until now, but has reached a point where that isn't possible anymore. SO, I'm dreading some of the upcoming conversations, and what can I say to comfort her, etc. She is a Lutheran, though hasn't been active in her church for some time - but still believes. I don't know what to expect, what to say, etc. I can't promise her 'we'll meet again in heaven' etc. etc.

My husband is still VERY much a believer and very active in a pentecostal and fundamentalist church (as I *used* to be), and he doesn't really know that I am completely OVER that fantasy.

How have some of you handled dealing with terminally ill family members? Any sage advice appreciated.

I just lost my mom in March. She had had a major operation last year but got diagnosed with a re infection, she chose after that diagnosis not to do anything more because she was tired of operations and hospitals. It was the hardest thing in the world to sit in that examination room and let her make her own decisions. I was screaming in my head "please keep trying!", but it was not up to me.

It has been a little over 2 months now, I have been coping by simply talking with my on line friends. I still have moments of wanting to visit and call her and that still hurts. You never really get over it, but you can cope by talking to others who have gone through it, and everyone will at some point because we all get old and die eventually.

You are entitled to your feelings, you don't always have to hide them, it is ok to cry, and even feelings of "survival guilt" is normal too, the "what if I had said or done this" is a horrible feeling, and the truth is, all any of us can do is the best we can. No matter what the human body always wears out.

Don't be afraid to talk about it, but don't feel like you have to be sad forever either. The time you have with loved ones also involve good times, and you can think about those things too.

The good thing is that my mom is no longer in any pain, and watching her decline in pain was horrible and nothing anyone wants to see happen to a loved one. But again, all you can do value the time you have left with them, and be there for them to comfort them as much as possible. But don't blame yourself and know that you also had lots of good times too.

Poetry by Brian37(poems by an atheist) Also on Facebook as BrianJames Rational Poet and Twitter Brianrrs37
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07-05-2017, 07:36 AM
RE: Dealing with terminally ill family member
I'm so sorry, I lost my dad last year and it still really hurts so I have an idea how you are feeling right now, I send a friendly hug from across the pond. Sad Hug
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