Dealing with the loss of my other half
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25-02-2017, 03:59 PM
Dealing with the loss of my other half
I would like to know how other people have coped with the loss of a loved one. I now understand why people turn to their religion for comfort. I found it very soothing thinking that I could still talk to my boyfriend after he passed away, but I knew I wasn't really talking to him. After two months of him being gone I know that I'm not really talking to him, but knowing someone so well you can actually talk to their memory and know how they would respond. And I believe that's what is really happening when they still feel somebody's presence after loved one has passed. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with this loss? The easiest thing for me to do is put it out of my mind but I would like suggestions on how to deal with it other than ignoring it.
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25-02-2017, 04:15 PM
RE: Dealing with the loss of my other half
(25-02-2017 03:59 PM)JulesBWill Wrote:  I would like to know how other people have coped with the loss of a loved one. I now understand why people turn to their religion for comfort. I found it very soothing thinking that I could still talk to my boyfriend after he passed away, but I knew I wasn't really talking to him. After two months of him being gone I know that I'm not really talking to him, but knowing someone so well you can actually talk to their memory and know how they would respond. And I believe that's what is really happening when they still feel somebody's presence after loved one has passed. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with this loss? The easiest thing for me to do is put it out of my mind but I would like suggestions on how to deal with it other than ignoring it.

Welcome!

While everyone grieves in a different way, we all go through a number of the same things at one time or another.

It's totally normal for you to be talking to him in your head - he is very much alive in your brain.

Your grief will come in waves, and you can't control it, which is the worst part in my opinion. It can take different forms - crying, anger, begging, lots of imagining and re-living of situations. Sometimes you'll think you've lost your mind.

If you avoid/suppress it, it will just pop up later. It's best to just flow with it, it is like a process of withdrawal in your brain, a learning for thoughts not to go to your other half as often. It will run it's course.

Just be yourself, it's ok to deal with it however you like. Allow the tears, they are there to calm you, they release nice chemicals in your brain....

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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25-02-2017, 04:56 PM
RE: Dealing with the loss of my other half
Pretty much what Dom says.

Time is going to stretch things out - kind of no matter what you do. I recall being in a kind of fog for a few months after the loss of a loved one.

I can only describe that time as foggy. During that time - I had no clue what was going on. I recall doing things - going through the motions but, no feeling to give it meaning. I didn't notice it being odd or bad or anything - just no feeling.

Then gradually, I found it to be several months later - time which I really hadn't noticed passing. I think that's when things kind of started moving back into what I could say would be normalcy.

As Dom said - waves. Waves of emotion.

During the time of the fog - the emotion was there but it seemed almost as disconnected as the rest of me. The emotional waves after the foggy time, seemed a bit more intense but were fewer and seemed further apart. Perhaps I was trying to hang on tighter to something I knew was getting further away.

I couldn't tell you when things became completely clear of the fog but, I do know I had to process a lot before it did.

I think it's part physical and part mental and it just takes time.

Heart

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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25-02-2017, 05:26 PM
RE: Dealing with the loss of my other half
Dom has it how I felt it. You have to ride those waves out.
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25-02-2017, 05:54 PM
RE: Dealing with the loss of my other half
*Hugs* So sorry for your loss.

I think you've got to just let yourself feel it, all the grief--all of it. Leaning on loved ones also helps. Taking care of and being gentle with yourself through the grieving process.

While you never stop missing your loved one, it does get easier as time passes. I also find doing something special on their birthdays (maybe sending up a sky lantern or going to a place that was special to us, planting a tree in their honor, etc.) helps me still feel connected to them and helps to keep them alive in my heart.

There is also a Chinese tradition of writing a letter to your loved one, burning it, and sending the ashes off into the wind. The idea was that the message would get to your loved one on the other side. Obviously, a lil bit of woo Tongue but I like it as a way to honor them-which helps me heal from grief--even though they aren't actually receiving said letter.

I come from an Irish background and we have an Irish wake for all who pass away in my family. It's basically a big party, a send off for a life well-lived, the telling of warm and funny memories.

I recently lost a friend and he was the first person I lost as an atheist. The chances of meeting amazing people in life is so slim. The chances of meeting people who absolutely get you is so rare. I try to hold on to the idea that our paths crossed on this huge planet, that I got to call someone like him a friend.

I don't know if any of this helps, but we are all here for support and to listen if you need it.
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25-02-2017, 05:58 PM
RE: Dealing with the loss of my other half
Sorry for your loss.

I lost quite a few people in my life and they all came visiting in my dreams. Kind of talking to them, I guess. I can't offer any insights into how to deal with loss, since every person is different. For me it always was a gradual process. Not so much in my waking hours where I accepted the loss, but rather in my sleep where I kept working on my process of mourning.
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25-02-2017, 08:46 PM
RE: Dealing with the loss of my other half
Unfortunately there is no one formula that works for everyone. I have lost a parent, sibling, spouse and child through other than natural causes, and I experienced all four of those losses differently.

That said, there are some common threads. Google "thanatology", the study of grief and loss, for more detail. But it is common to experience grief in waves. It is rather like your subconscious spoon-feeding your new reality to you in doses you can handle. Just when you think you are recovering and doing better, you become a puddle again. It is normal. It will happen over and over again, until it stops. You have to be patient with the process, and with yourself. And sometimes with well-meaning others and their sometimes meaningless platitudes and unsolicited advice.

If there is a single thing I have personally found helpful, it has been my departure from my faith of origin. I am no longer wasting huge gobs of time asking the useless "why" questions: why me, why him, why now ... and the useless "what" questions like "what did I do to deserve this"? I have learned to accept death as part of life rather than some incomprehensible alien visitor or divine judgment. That is not to say I like it, or that it doesn't hurt, but simply that it is not so surprising and offensive. I have dealt much better with the fact of my own mortality as well as that of others.

Also, I understand through my losses that it's important to "keep short accounts", to be present in the moment with others, to leave nothing unsaid or undone to the extent you know how to. Because when you live like that, you have only disappointment and loss to deal with, and not the additional burden of regret. Most recently, when my adult son died unexpectedly, that was a great comfort to me. I had been much closer and more involved in his daily life in his final years, and I'm glad for that.

Eventually, most people do heal and find their way forward. It is a good sign that you are reaching out here. Keep doing that, and we'll keep listening. It DOES get better.
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09-03-2017, 10:10 PM
RE: Dealing with the loss of my other half
I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))

In ancient Egypt, cats were worshipped as gods.... they have never forgotten this
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12-03-2017, 12:54 AM
RE: Dealing with the loss of my other half
I wouldn't even know where to begin. I don't think it ever becomes easy to endure. I would worry if I became so desensitized to death that the loss of one I loved was easy to get over. It's hard, It hurts. I wish you didn't have to go through this. With time It will prolly get better as others have said. Until it does at least remember you're not really alone. You have many here who care about you, I hope you have many in your offline world who care about you as well.

You are not alone. (hugs)

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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