Death, Funerals, and if my opinion is wierd
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21-04-2013, 05:17 AM
Death, Funerals, and if my opinion is wierd
So, this comes up since the hard truth about life is that someday, everyone will die. I can cope with that. The problem is, I can not stand funerals, although I have never been to one. It sounds fucking stupid and ignorant from here I know, but when someone or something dies, I want to be alone. I know crying is one step, but you gotta move on. I don't really cry when someone dies or something serious happens; when my mother got cancer in '07 I was the only one who didn't cry (she made it out fine though, free healthcare FTW). The question is, why should I go to a funeral? I hate to see other people mourn, and the last thing want to see is a coffin. Does anyone else feel this way?
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21-04-2013, 05:56 AM
RE: Death, Funerals, and if my opinion is wierd
People deal with death in different ways. I really hate funerals, I usually don't go to them. Above all, I hate being around the other people offering platitudes.
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21-04-2013, 06:07 AM
RE: Death, Funerals, and if my opinion is wierd
(21-04-2013 05:17 AM)ELK12695 Wrote:  So, this comes up since the hard truth about life is that someday, everyone will die. I can cope with that. The problem is, I can not stand funerals, although I have never been to one. It sounds fucking stupid and ignorant from here I know, but when someone or something dies, I want to be alone. I know crying is one step, but you gotta move on. I don't really cry when someone dies or something serious happens; when my mother got cancer in '07 I was the only one who didn't cry (she made it out fine though, free healthcare FTW). The question is, why should I go to a funeral? I hate to see other people mourn, and the last thing want to see is a coffin. Does anyone else feel this way?

Very interesting way you feel. I am similar in that I don't cry when receiving news like "Your father is in the RAH after having a heart attack.", "Your uncle has irreparable bowl cancer." etc etc. However, I a am simply indifferent to the news. I like to be alone, but that is just my default state. However, as for the apparent discomfort I infer, similarity ends.

As for reasons that you should attend a funeral? The people close to you will probably draw support from your presence, likely making them feel more comfortable. You'll meet new/old people...
If you do not wish to attend a funeral, you shouldn't have to do so, but it will probably be best for those close to you (should they be involved) to see you, if only for their benefit.

Personally, I like attending funerals, they are very interesting to me, I tend to analyse things in my real life (off line), and the mourners are no exception, their behaviours are fascinating to me. As for the emotions and coffins, I am exactly like I am with bad news, I am mostly indifferent.

Those were real-life examples, I'll point out.

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21-04-2013, 07:08 AM
RE: Death, Funerals, and if my opinion is wierd
I usually never get updated on deaths in the family and am okay with that because it would involve me going to a Kingdom Hall and sit at the back not being able to talk to anyone as well as listen to a sermon of a belief that isn't mine.

So yeah. I don't go to funerals for Witnesses.

Give me a humanist funeral, and I'm there. Not that I wish anyone dead, but out of all of the types of funerals out there, that one I would probably go to...

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21-04-2013, 09:17 AM
RE: Death, Funerals, and if my opinion is wierd
There is no right or wrong way to react. Everyone is different. Society offers stuff like wakes and funerals etc. because many people do find some comfort in them. But not everyone does.

Don't worry about crying either, do it or don't do it, it is controlled by hormones and not the conscious brain. It has nothing to do with how seriously you take something, or how much you love someone. It's purely physical.

Crying has some great benefits, it releases various chemical that are soothing and calming. So don't try to keep people or yourself from crying should it come up. But if you don't end up crying yourself, it's because you don't need it.

Not to worry either way.

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21-04-2013, 12:04 PM
RE: Death, Funerals, and if my opinion is wierd
Thanks for all the answers and relplies. And here comes the truth.
My grandmother has dementia. She got it around, what was it, '08 or '09, something like that. Over the course of the years, shit has gotten worse, and my mother has said that, the final act is about to happen. I have never lost a close family member, my grandfather died of thrombosis before I was born, so i can't mourn for someone i didn't know. Here the deal though. when dementia hits, you never know what's going to dissapear and whats gonna stay. at this time, i don't know if she knows me anymore, and certainly don't know who she is anymore. But i guess i'm to blame aswell since i haven't seen her since summer 2011, and fear for not being recognized has kept me from visting her. this might sound coldblooded, but in a way, she is already dead; in my mind. I don't know who she is, but she isn't "her" anymore. I got an offer to visit her a month ago, but i refused. And that's why i asked these questions; I don't know if i want to go to her funeral when, you know. You might ask, why the hell are you telling this to people you have never met. I guess it's because i hate and fear to talk about this stuff face to face with any person, especially family and friends. But over the net, it just seems less... scary. I don't know if anyone gives a shit about this, but you will be the judges on that.
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21-04-2013, 12:17 PM
RE: Death, Funerals, and if my opinion is wierd
I had an aunt who was hospitalized with early onset Altzheimers for some 30 years.

She was motionless, no sign of recognition, all she ever did is normal blinking.

But - every time visitors got ready to leave and said good bye, tears rolled down her face.

People with dementia have clear and fuzzy times. You could walk in there and she would recognize you, or she may not even notice you are there.

There is absolutely no telling what may get through and into her consciousness, and when.

You haven't been in touch with your grandma, so there is no impact on your life if and when she passes. Grieving is a response to an immediate void in daily life that recurs as over and over as time goes on. It is triggered by events that used to involve the dead person. The more immediate and frequent the involvement, the more grief there will be.

It doesn't have a thing to do with empathy for the dead person. That is an entirely different matter.

Grief is about the survivor entirely, empathy is about the dead. They may or may not go hand in hand.

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21-04-2013, 12:58 PM
RE: Death, Funerals, and if my opinion is wierd
(21-04-2013 12:04 PM)ELK12695 Wrote:  Thanks for all the answers and relplies. And here comes the truth.
My grandmother has dementia. She got it around, what was it, '08 or '09, something like that. Over the course of the years, shit has gotten worse, and my mother has said that, the final act is about to happen. I have never lost a close family member, my grandfather died of thrombosis before I was born, so i can't mourn for someone i didn't know. Here the deal though. when dementia hits, you never know what's going to dissapear and whats gonna stay. at this time, i don't know if she knows me anymore, and certainly don't know who she is anymore. But i guess i'm to blame aswell since i haven't seen her since summer 2011, and fear for not being recognized has kept me from visting her. this might sound coldblooded, but in a way, she is already dead; in my mind. I don't know who she is, but she isn't "her" anymore. I got an offer to visit her a month ago, but i refused. And that's why i asked these questions; I don't know if i want to go to her funeral when, you know. You might ask, why the hell are you telling this to people you have never met. I guess it's because i hate and fear to talk about this stuff face to face with any person, especially family and friends. But over the net, it just seems less... scary. I don't know if anyone gives a shit about this, but you will be the judges on that.
A sort of similar situation: my great aunt. I haven't seen her in 3 years and keep refusing to visit her with others. Last time I saw her she didn't know me, and she's much worse now, she doesn't know her own daughters. My mom was always very close to her, she was the "favorite." She keeps visiting. I go to a dermatologist in the same town as the home the aunt is in, so my mom and I go to that town together, and I wait in the car while she visits, I can't even deal with it, it's like you said, if the person is not the person they used to be, it's like they are already dead. She is a stranger to me that looks like my aunt; she doesn't know me and I don't know her. I see no point in visiting because she won't know me anyway, and from what I hear, she's in fairly good spirits and gets on well with the other people and nurses, at least, when she's semi-lucid. So it doesn't matter much if she's conversing with them or with me, everyone is a stranger to her. She's not bothered by my absence, but I am bothered by her presence.

But anyway, what I am saying is that I don't think you sound "cold-blooded."

But as for funerals, my brother hates them worse than I do. He was strongly opposed to going to our dad's, but I convinced him to do so, at my mother's request. This is because it can be potentially helpful, and in case, he mainly had a problem with it being in a catholic church when my dad wasn't religious. But anyway, here is what I said: the funeral is not for the dead person, it is for the living people. It is so they get some sense of closure and so they can all be together and comfort and support each other. And if you don't want to be involved, don't let anyone bully or guilt you into it, just tell them you are dealing with it in your own way, and your way doesn't involve funerals. Sometimes they use guilt and act like you're disrespecting the dead person, which is nonsense; the dead person is dead and doesn't care. It's the living people who feel like something is wrong if you don't show up and they think it's the socially-acceptable thing to do, so you should do it.
[/rambling]
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21-04-2013, 01:16 PM
RE: Death, Funerals, and if my opinion is wierd
(21-04-2013 12:58 PM)amyb Wrote:  A sort of similar situation: my great aunt. I haven't seen her in 3 years and keep refusing to visit her with others. Last time I saw her she didn't know me, and she's much worse now, she doesn't know her own daughters. My mom was always very close to her, she was the "favorite." She keeps visiting. I go to a dermatologist in the same town as the home the aunt is in, so my mom and I go to that town together, and I wait in the car while she visits, I can't even deal with it, it's like you said, if the person is not the person they used to be, it's like they are already dead. She is a stranger to me that looks like my aunt; she doesn't know me and I don't know her. I see no point in visiting because she won't know me anyway, and from what I hear, she's in fairly good spirits and gets on well with the other people and nurses, at least, when she's semi-lucid. So it doesn't matter much if she's conversing with them or with me, everyone is a stranger to her. She's not bothered by my absence, but I am bothered by her presence.

But anyway, what I am saying is that I don't think you sound "cold-blooded."

But as for funerals, my brother hates them worse than I do. He was strongly opposed to going to our dad's, but I convinced him to do so, at my mother's request. This is because it can be potentially helpful, and in case, he mainly had a problem with it being in a catholic church when my dad wasn't religious. But anyway, here is what I said: the funeral is not for the dead person, it is for the living people. It is so they get some sense of closure and so they can all be together and comfort and support each other. And if you don't want to be involved, don't let anyone bully or guilt you into it, just tell them you are dealing with it in your own way, and your way doesn't involve funerals. Sometimes they use guilt and act like you're disrespecting the dead person, which is nonsense; the dead person is dead and doesn't care. It's the living people who feel like something is wrong if you don't show up and they think it's the socially-acceptable thing to do, so you should do it.
[/rambling]

I agree. Thanks.
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21-04-2013, 02:00 PM
 
RE: Death, Funerals, and if my opinion is wierd
You're asking if your opinion is weird, and in my opinion, "No." I know you're an atheist, and if atheism is true, there is no reason to mourn or to feel any particular empathy toward others. I'm not saying that atheists don't mourn or that they don't have empathy, I'm only saying it's not weird to say you don't, if you're an atheist. No God; no reason to love. I'm not saying atheists don't love or that you don't love, only that there would be no reason for it.

Your post asked for my opinion: Do I think you're weird. And my response is, "No, not at all."
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