Debilitating loneliness
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13-12-2013, 05:04 PM
Debilitating loneliness
I am very lonely.
I almost always have been.

I never had a large army of friends, mostly just a few very good ones and some acquaintances.

Due to medications I was kind of slow/behind as a kid, which led to constant bullying.

Did some shit jobs, had 1 lousy first girlfriend.

4 years ago I moved from The Netherlands to Belgium, a little over 200 miles, to move in with another girlfriend (2nd of 2, not a player). After a week I knew I had made a mistake. I stuck it out for 3 more years. Because I don't give up. And I like to try and make the best of things.
I lost my entire social circle. Out of all my friends, only 3 people ever visited me. I went back every once in a while, but due to financials I can't do that too often.

Over the years I connected with a few Belgians, but not many, and not like I connected to Dutch people, (the mentality is just as different as (stereotypically) Americans with Mexicans. Belgians generally don't like Dutch people).

So almost a year ago I broke up with the girl. We hooked up a few times after that, but I didn't have any physical contact with anyone else since then.
Not for a lack of trying.
I tried the datingsites, they're all a big scam.
I had some online contact with a woman for a while, but she suddenly stopped talking to me.
I had a date last night with a beautiful lovely lady, but I screwed that one up.

I tried to throw myself at my work, and that worked a little, but as soon as I get home I feel lonely again. Job is shit anyway, so nothing I'd miss there.
So I decided that Belgium is probably the problem here and I started planning a return to Holland. I figured I'd have at least something there, closer to at least some friends.
After a while of job-applications I was offered a new job, but it's in Brussels, it's a good job in a good company, good people, decent pay. But I'll still be in Belgium.
So now I feel conflicted. There aren't that many decent jobs, especially for decent pay. So the job is good, I'll probably be better off too. But I'll still be in Belgium and I'll still be alone.

It's starting to get to me. All around me I see happy people, couples, and I'm so envious. I want what they have.
I connect to women, I'm not an ugly guy or anything, I'm 6'6" (1m98), only 20lbs (10Kg) overweight, I'm well informed on news, current events, politics, religion. I'm witty, I can have a conversation with almost anyone.
Why did we make this so difficult??
It's on my mind all day every day. It's even affecting my work right now, I just can't concentrate anymore.
I also can't relax anymore, I'm sleeping less and less.

Aspiring optimist
Eternal Pragmatist.
With the uncanny ability to see all sides in every argument.
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13-12-2013, 05:09 PM
RE: Debilitating loneliness
I am married for a long time so I cannot relate BUT I can say I am So SO sorry you're unhappy AND I truly hope this unhappiness does not weigh on you for too long.

I like your posts so you *could* feel like you have friends here(?) But I know typing on the internet isn't the same thing as live, warm bodies in person. So......again... I am just so sorry you feel lonely. Wish there was something I could do to help. If you can think of any way I can help don't hesitate to PM. k?


((hug))

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13-12-2013, 05:22 PM
RE: Debilitating loneliness
Sounds a lot like my boyfriend before he met me. A relationship that destroyed his social life and kept him away from friends and loneliness after that, along with an inability to "connect" or manage to find someone "worthy".

The best comes when you least expect it. He would never have thought we'd be together now and he has become a totally different person.

He didn't win me at once, but he was optimistic and confident.

My advice, don't lose hope, be optimistic and show it. Don't rush it, take it easy. It might take time and effort. But it is totally possible and achievable. You never know what could be around the corner. Don't give up! Thumbsup

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13-12-2013, 05:22 PM
RE: Debilitating loneliness
Hey man, historically I've struggled with loneliness and self worth a whole bunch. I was able to get over it, probably mostly due to two people who really showed me that I am a great person (sounds cocky, but it's a position of self tolerance and acceptance that took a whole lot of work).

I definitely see people drifting out of my life as the years go by. I'll go months without hearing from people, years without seeing them. I try to still consider them my friends, even if we don't keep in touch on a regular basis.

As far as girls go, I have one thought on that, and it may sound kind of harsh. But for relationships in general, I think to be a great contribution in a relationship, you need to understand and appreciate yourself first. My brother posted a related quote the other day that I really liked. It went something like, "Until you (love)/(are happy with) yourself, you will never know if you are with somebody else because of love, or because of loneliness."

But good luck man, I have a couple of friends who are probably feeling very similar to how you are feeling. One of the pieces of advice I've given to them is to get a hobby, and really get into it. Meet people that share your hobby/passion. Connect that way, and it could be the start of something great. You never know.

Those are just pieces of my mind though. I understand that life, or getting through life, sometimes is a difficult problem to solve.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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13-12-2013, 05:32 PM
RE: Debilitating loneliness
Take the job, you need a change, and it sounds like a good opportunity, and you can save some money and if you still want to go back to Holland, you can do so with some money in your pocket.

In Brussels, find a group, any group. An atheist group, a sports group (Basket ball?), collectors group of something, a volunteer group, any group whatsoever that interests you.

You'll meet the people in the group, through them you meet other people. You got to get yourself out there, where people can see you.

I don't know what all interests you, but whatever it is, there will be groups out there.

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13-12-2013, 06:58 PM
RE: Debilitating loneliness
Thank you all for reading.

(13-12-2013 05:09 PM)WitchSabrina Wrote:  I like your posts so you *could* feel like you have friends here(?)
I noticed I'm kind of a topic ender sometimes. I post something and no one replies anymore, that's kind of a downer, but I'm not going to tie my selfworth to it, what if the site goes down permanently? lol

(13-12-2013 05:09 PM)WitchSabrina Wrote:  ((hug))
Carefull, I might not let go.

(13-12-2013 05:22 PM)Adrianime Wrote:  As far as girls go, I have one thought on that, and it may sound kind of harsh. But for relationships in general, I think to be a great contribution in a relationship, you need to understand and appreciate yourself first. My brother posted a related quote the other day that I really liked. It went something like, "Until you (love)/(are happy with) yourself, you will never know if you are with somebody else because of love, or because of loneliness."

But good luck man, I have a couple of friends who are probably feeling very similar to how you are feeling. One of the pieces of advice I've given to them is to get a hobby, and really get into it. Meet people that share your hobby/passion. Connect that way, and it could be the start of something great. You never know.

Oh, I know I'm awesome. That's not it.
Just need someone to agree more than all the others.

(13-12-2013 05:32 PM)Dom Wrote:  Take the job, you need a change, and it sounds like a good opportunity, and you can save some money and if you still want to go back to Holland, you can do so with some money in your pocket.

In Brussels, find a group, any group. An atheist group, a sports group (Basket ball?), collectors group of something, a volunteer group, any group whatsoever that interests you.

You'll meet the people in the group, through them you meet other people. You got to get yourself out there, where people can see you.

I don't know what all interests you, but whatever it is, there will be groups out there.

Oh, I'm definitely taking the job. Signed the papers thursdaymorning.
4 more weeks in the dump, 4 days off, 4 pony!
I've considered the taking an active hobby thing but I can't find anything that interests me.
I like watching food, movies and reading comicbooks. (among other things ofc.)
But even finding someone to get dinner and a movie is nearly impossible.

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Eternal Pragmatist.
With the uncanny ability to see all sides in every argument.
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13-12-2013, 08:03 PM
RE: Debilitating loneliness
(13-12-2013 05:32 PM)Dom Wrote:  Take the job, you need a change, and it sounds like a good opportunity, and you can save some money and if you still want to go back to Holland, you can do so with some money in your pocket.

In Brussels, find a group, any group. An atheist group, a sports group (Basket ball?), collectors group of something, a volunteer group, any group whatsoever that interests you.

You'll meet the people in the group, through them you meet other people. You got to get yourself out there, where people can see you.

I don't know what all interests you, but whatever it is, there will be groups out there.

YES! what Dom said. If you can't find a group for a hobby or interest, find some place that needs your help.

Take up all offers to go out at your new place, let co workers know that you are really interested in making friends in your new town. Meet your neighbors.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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13-12-2013, 08:34 PM
RE: Debilitating loneliness
(13-12-2013 06:58 PM)Caveman Wrote:  Thank you all for reading.

(13-12-2013 05:09 PM)WitchSabrina Wrote:  I like your posts so you *could* feel like you have friends here(?)
I noticed I'm kind of a topic ender sometimes. I post something and no one replies anymore, that's kind of a downer, but I'm not going to tie my selfworth to it, what if the site goes down permanently? lol

(13-12-2013 05:09 PM)WitchSabrina Wrote:  ((hug))
Carefull, I might not let go.

(13-12-2013 05:22 PM)Adrianime Wrote:  As far as girls go, I have one thought on that, and it may sound kind of harsh. But for relationships in general, I think to be a great contribution in a relationship, you need to understand and appreciate yourself first. My brother posted a related quote the other day that I really liked. It went something like, "Until you (love)/(are happy with) yourself, you will never know if you are with somebody else because of love, or because of loneliness."

But good luck man, I have a couple of friends who are probably feeling very similar to how you are feeling. One of the pieces of advice I've given to them is to get a hobby, and really get into it. Meet people that share your hobby/passion. Connect that way, and it could be the start of something great. You never know.

Oh, I know I'm awesome. That's not it.
Just need someone to agree more than all the others.

(13-12-2013 05:32 PM)Dom Wrote:  Take the job, you need a change, and it sounds like a good opportunity, and you can save some money and if you still want to go back to Holland, you can do so with some money in your pocket.

In Brussels, find a group, any group. An atheist group, a sports group (Basket ball?), collectors group of something, a volunteer group, any group whatsoever that interests you.

You'll meet the people in the group, through them you meet other people. You got to get yourself out there, where people can see you.

I don't know what all interests you, but whatever it is, there will be groups out there.

Oh, I'm definitely taking the job. Signed the papers thursdaymorning.
4 more weeks in the dump, 4 days off, 4 pony!
I've considered the taking an active hobby thing but I can't find anything that interests me.
I like watching food, movies and reading comicbooks. (among other things ofc.)
But even finding someone to get dinner and a movie is nearly impossible.
I'm pretty much in the same spot but hell I can help you find a cool hobbySmile
Comic books, ever think of making your own, do you draw? You could draw while watching food. I personally dislike the word "talent" some say its innate and even if it is it can only get you so far, you really have to work at it if you want to get good at something, its more akin to a skill.
Hey, ever think of taking up photography? You could take portrait shots of photogenic girls, get what I'm saying?Wink Great ice breaker.

"I don't have to have faith, I have experience." Joseph Campbell
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13-12-2013, 09:08 PM
RE: Debilitating loneliness
Don't over think things, take a week off from thinking about yourself and be the friend to your friends that you would like them to be to you.

Theism is to believe what other people claim, Atheism is to ask "why should I".
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14-12-2013, 01:24 AM
RE: Debilitating loneliness
(13-12-2013 06:58 PM)Caveman Wrote:  Oh, I know I'm awesome. That's not it.
Just need someone to agree more than all the others.

Was that a joke or are you serious when you say that? Unsure
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