December Depression
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
06-12-2016, 11:58 AM
December Depression
I am depressed.

Because I'm turning 40 on Friday and...
...it makes me realize that so much of my life is behind me.
...I am not where I thought I'd be in my career.
...I am insecure and I worry that she will find someone younger, more attractive, more successful, more interesting, stronger, or more of whatever it is she needs or wants.
...I worry that I won't live as long as her and that I might die leaving her a young widow. A high school classmate of mine just died from a massive heart attack at just 41 years old. And most of the men in family have died in their early 60's.

Because of all the friends I have lost or left behind over the years.

Because I don't know how to deal with petty jealousy and I'm afraid that it will eventually drive her away.

Because of the baby that isn't here. (Her baby died during pregnancy at 17 weeks gestation. He was due 11/30). And because even if she wanted another one, I couldn't give it to her. Watching how happy she was with her newborn nephew this weekend should have made me happy, but instead it was killing me.

Because I was taken aback by the fact that Christmas music and decorations now remind me of cousin passing. He overdosed last year on Christmas Eve. It angers and saddens me that this has always been a time that made me happy.

Because we won't have our children with us on Christmas morning.

Because I can't afford to buy my girls the Christmas presents I want to give them.

Because I feel powerless to help her with her kids and her divorce. (I'm not allowed contact due to her ongoing divorce.)

Because I am not allowed to meet her kids and show them the love and kindness they deserve from the man in her life.

I want tell her all this, but I am afraid.

Because I worry that admitting to being depressed about these things will make me seem weak, selfish and/or unattractive to her. Or much worse, I worry that it will make her depressed as well.

Because I'm afraid that she will notice (if she hasn't already) that I am depressed and will worry that it is because of her, when in reality she is the only thing in my life keeping me sane. She is my happiness, my candle in the darkness, my anchor in this storm, and my island in a sea of chaos. And, I need and desire her more than anything in this world.

But, I am also happy.

Because I can buy my girls Christmas presents.

Because I have friends (however few they may be).

Because I am finally in a relationship that fulfills me.

Because she cares about me more than anyone ever has.

Because she looks at me with desire even when I feel so undesirable.

Because she is patient when I fail.

Because she doesn't care how successful I am in my career.

Because I have a good job and will eventually be able to help her fulfill her aspirations of becoming a full-time photographer.

Because my girls really like her and she really likes them.

Because I have someone for which to live.

But... I just can't seem to shake off the depression and I don't know what to do.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now. Heart
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
06-12-2016, 12:04 PM
RE: December Depression
Hug

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

Alouette, je te plumerai.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Old Man Marsh's post
06-12-2016, 01:24 PM
RE: December Depression
Posting from phone.
Hug till later.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes skyking's post
06-12-2016, 01:28 PM (This post was last modified: 06-12-2016 04:16 PM by jennybee.)
RE: December Depression
*hugs* I think it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist about all of this. You had a lot going on this year, it might be helpful to process all of this with a professional.

All that said, the most important thing you can give your girls is your love and attention. My best memories from Christmases with my family involve simply spending time with them. Those are the memories your kids are going to hold onto. I know you mentioned your girls won't be with you Christmas am--but will they be with you Christmas Eve or later on on Christmas? Make those times just as special as you would make Christmas morning. Maybe even start a new tradition.

As far as your career, if you're not exactly where you want to be, don't beat yourself up for it. Instead be proactive, what can you do to change things to get yourself to where you want to be? Also, remember career isn't everything. I know in society we put so much pressure on ourselves to get to a certain status. I stopped doing that and said fuck it and left my professional job to become a yoga instructor and I am so much happier. Wink

As far as your angel, she loves you. It's so clear from your posts. If you are concerned about her wanting a baby at some point, talk to her about it, and then take it from there. And adoption is always an option.

As far as your age, you run and take very good care of yourself, you're doing what you should be doing to be proactive about your health. Additionally, none of us have any guarantees how long we are going to live. So that's a worry you need to just put on the shelf. Your gf knows you are older than her and she's still made up her mind to be with you. I wouldn't let age stop me from being with the person I was in love with. It doesn't sound like your age is bothering her either.

As far as your not feeling successful enough for her or whatever--Give the girl some credit--she is clearly way into you Enjoy it. Tongue

As far as not feeling like you are attractive enough, well you know how I feel about the snipples Big Grin And I'm sure most women on here would agree with me, you're a hot piece of ass Tongue
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like jennybee's post
06-12-2016, 01:44 PM
RE: December Depression
(06-12-2016 11:58 AM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  I am depressed.

Because I'm turning 40 on Friday and...
...it makes me realize that so much of my life is behind me.

Don't give up so quickly. Take comfort in the knowledge that the first human to live to 1000 years has already been born.

(06-12-2016 11:58 AM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  ...I am not where I thought I'd be in my career.

Let me tell you how this is gonna play out youngster. Ambition is a good thing when you're young and just starting your career. But as you get older you get to watch the progress of ambition. First you'll just want to accomplish something useful, anything. Then you just want to earn your keep. And finally you just hope you're not a burden on anyone.

#sigh
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes GirlyMan's post
06-12-2016, 02:54 PM
RE: December Depression
(06-12-2016 01:28 PM)jennybee Wrote:  *hugs* I think it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist about all of this. You had a lot going on this year, it might be helpful to process all of this with a professional.

All that said, the most important thing you can give your girls is your love and attention. My best memories from Christmases with my family involve simply spending time with them. Those are the memories your kids are going to hold onto. I know you mentioned your girls won't be with you Christmas am--but will they be with you Christmas Eve or later on on Christmas? Make those times just as special as you would make Christmas morning. Maybe even start a new tradition.

As far as your career, if you're not exactly where you want to be, don't beat yourself up for it. Instead be proactive, what can you do to change things to get yourself to where you want to be? Also, remember career isn't everything. I know in society we put so much pressure on ourselves to get to a certain status. I stopped doing that and said fuck it and left my professional job to become a yoga instructor and I am so much happier. Wink

As far as your angel, she loves you. It's so clear from your posts. If you are concerned about her wanting a baby at some point, talk to her about it, and then take it from there. And adoption is always an option.

As far as your age, you run and take very good care of yourself, you're doing what you should be doing to be proactive about your health. Additionally, none of us have any guarantees how long we are going to live. So that's a worry you need to just put on the shelf. Your gf knows you are older than her and she's still made up her mind to be with you. I wouldn't let age stop me from being with the person I was in love with. It doesn't sound like your age is bothering her either.

As far as you're not feeling successful enough for her or whatever--Give the girl some credit--she is clearly way into you Enjoy it. Tongue

As far as not feeling like you are attractive enough, well you know how I feel about the snipples Big Grin And I'm sure most women on here would agree with me, you're a hot piece of ass Tongue

Yeah, I guess I do have the snipples working for me. Lol.

It's just odd. Intellectually, I know that all my fears and negative thoughts are internally fabricated and that I should actually be really happy right now. And a part of me is. But there is just this lingering sadness that I can't seem to shake. And if I don't intentionally keep it in check, it will overwhelm me at times with all this things. Writing all this out was a bit of self-therapy. Putting it into words helped with my perspective a bit. I think if I concentrated on the "I am happy because" part it would probably help a lot. But, you are right in that I probably should go get some professional therapy. I just don't want drugs right now. Not that I think they are bad, it is just always a months-long struggle to get a working balance and to physically adjust to the side effects. I just dread it and so I am procrastinating.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now. Heart
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
06-12-2016, 02:58 PM
RE: December Depression
That's why, though I have kids and a girlfriend, I prefer to reserve my emotional investment for my cats.

'Murican Canadian
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes yakherder's post
06-12-2016, 03:03 PM
RE: December Depression
(06-12-2016 02:54 PM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  
(06-12-2016 01:28 PM)jennybee Wrote:  *hugs* I think it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist about all of this. You had a lot going on this year, it might be helpful to process all of this with a professional.

All that said, the most important thing you can give your girls is your love and attention. My best memories from Christmases with my family involve simply spending time with them. Those are the memories your kids are going to hold onto. I know you mentioned your girls won't be with you Christmas am--but will they be with you Christmas Eve or later on on Christmas? Make those times just as special as you would make Christmas morning. Maybe even start a new tradition.

As far as your career, if you're not exactly where you want to be, don't beat yourself up for it. Instead be proactive, what can you do to change things to get yourself to where you want to be? Also, remember career isn't everything. I know in society we put so much pressure on ourselves to get to a certain status. I stopped doing that and said fuck it and left my professional job to become a yoga instructor and I am so much happier. Wink

As far as your angel, she loves you. It's so clear from your posts. If you are concerned about her wanting a baby at some point, talk to her about it, and then take it from there. And adoption is always an option.

As far as your age, you run and take very good care of yourself, you're doing what you should be doing to be proactive about your health. Additionally, none of us have any guarantees how long we are going to live. So that's a worry you need to just put on the shelf. Your gf knows you are older than her and she's still made up her mind to be with you. I wouldn't let age stop me from being with the person I was in love with. It doesn't sound like your age is bothering her either.

As far as you're not feeling successful enough for her or whatever--Give the girl some credit--she is clearly way into you Enjoy it. Tongue

As far as not feeling like you are attractive enough, well you know how I feel about the snipples Big Grin And I'm sure most women on here would agree with me, you're a hot piece of ass Tongue

Yeah, I guess I do have the snipples working for me. Lol.

It's just odd. Intellectually, I know that all my fears and negative thoughts are internally fabricated and that I should actually be really happy right now. And a part of me is. But there is just this lingering sadness that I can't seem to shake. And if I don't intentionally keep it in check, it will overwhelm me at times with all this things. Writing all this out was a bit of self-therapy. Putting it into words helped with my perspective a bit. I think if I concentrated on the "I am happy because" part it would probably help a lot. But, you are right in that I probably should go get some professional therapy. I just don't want drugs right now. Not that I think they are bad, it is just always a months-long struggle to get a working balance and to physically adjust to the side effects. I just dread it and so I am procrastinating.

You could tell your therapist you are just there to talk and let off steam and that you do not want meds at this point, but may consider them in the future as an option. That way you can get some of this off your chest, which in itself can be helpful.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes jennybee's post
06-12-2016, 03:03 PM
RE: December Depression
{{{{{TurkeyBurner}}}}}

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Gloucester's post
06-12-2016, 03:08 PM
RE: December Depression
(06-12-2016 02:54 PM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  
(06-12-2016 01:28 PM)jennybee Wrote:  *hugs* I think it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist about all of this. You had a lot going on this year, it might be helpful to process all of this with a professional.

All that said, the most important thing you can give your girls is your love and attention. My best memories from Christmases with my family involve simply spending time with them. Those are the memories your kids are going to hold onto. I know you mentioned your girls won't be with you Christmas am--but will they be with you Christmas Eve or later on on Christmas? Make those times just as special as you would make Christmas morning. Maybe even start a new tradition.

As far as your career, if you're not exactly where you want to be, don't beat yourself up for it. Instead be proactive, what can you do to change things to get yourself to where you want to be? Also, remember career isn't everything. I know in society we put so much pressure on ourselves to get to a certain status. I stopped doing that and said fuck it and left my professional job to become a yoga instructor and I am so much happier. Wink

As far as your angel, she loves you. It's so clear from your posts. If you are concerned about her wanting a baby at some point, talk to her about it, and then take it from there. And adoption is always an option.

As far as your age, you run and take very good care of yourself, you're doing what you should be doing to be proactive about your health. Additionally, none of us have any guarantees how long we are going to live. So that's a worry you need to just put on the shelf. Your gf knows you are older than her and she's still made up her mind to be with you. I wouldn't let age stop me from being with the person I was in love with. It doesn't sound like your age is bothering her either.

As far as you're not feeling successful enough for her or whatever--Give the girl some credit--she is clearly way into you Enjoy it. Tongue

As far as not feeling like you are attractive enough, well you know how I feel about the snipples Big Grin And I'm sure most women on here would agree with me, you're a hot piece of ass Tongue

Yeah, I guess I do have the snipples working for me. Lol.

It's just odd. Intellectually, I know that all my fears and negative thoughts are internally fabricated and that I should actually be really happy right now. And a part of me is. But there is just this lingering sadness that I can't seem to shake. And if I don't intentionally keep it in check, it will overwhelm me at times with all this things. Writing all this out was a bit of self-therapy. Putting it into words helped with my perspective a bit. I think if I concentrated on the "I am happy because" part it would probably help a lot. But, you are right in that I probably should go get some professional therapy. I just don't want drugs right now. Not that I think they are bad, it is just always a months-long struggle to get a working balance and to physically adjust to the side effects. I just dread it and so I am procrastinating.

I think that is a good approach. Focus on being happy in the here and now. It seems like you are also scared to be happy since you found someone who really loves you--you're scared to lose it. Much better to put your energy on loving each other and having fun together. From there, whatever happens happens. Don't waste time worrying what if.

And for future plans, make a list to get to where you want to go and how to get there if there are things you want to change.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes jennybee's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: