Desperately need some outside perspective
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05-06-2016, 09:27 PM
Desperately need some outside perspective
I'm not even sure where to start as I've seem to caught myself up into a proverbial shit storm.

So I lived in an apartment and my buddy moved in with me as his parents were moving to the other side of the country as he lived with his parents. He has really bad anxiety that results in panic attacks (that makes it difficult for him to hold down a job) and it turns out the apartment living wasn't working out for him due to the nasty upstairs neighbors and the environment of the complex was deteriorating. He said he was getting ready to move out to where his parents went and would leave after I had mostly recovered from my gastric bypass surgery. As I didn't want him to move and wanted to have him around to help support me as I go through the weight loss process, I started looking for an alternative and asked my Mom and my Sister if we could move in with them, initially I thought it would be for a few weeks but it turned into where it would be about 6 months, I made sure that both of them were well aware of this and they both said it was ok. I then submitted the paperwork to terminate the lease, my buddies parents agreed to pay the penalty and I would finish out the rent and utilities for the 60 day period that the complex required. It should be noted my buddies dad was also living in the apartment as well as he wanted to earn back some of the money they spent from the move at his current job and I was allowing him to stay until the lease officially ends.

We move into my Mom's house about 4 days before my surgery, I also told her that my buddy would help out around the house with stuff that needs to be installed and cleaned up around the house thus far he has cleaned the floors typically every other day as well as installing three ceiling fans. So far so good, now after that I have had my surgery my Mom starts going full on pissed mode because she feels that my buddy is just using me because I am helping to financially support him see the previous anxiety piece. She also feels that his dad is using me because he is living in the apartment while I'm waiting for the lease to terminate. The original agreement between me and his dad is that he would pay for food and other household goods to live in the apartment which he did up until the point me and my buddy moved out of the apartment. Now every time my buddy goes out to buy something to eat my Mom gets all pissed at me and results in yet another argument and she is feeling that she is being used by him as well even though I already agreed to pay her 250 a month to live here as well as pay for our own food. It's gotten to the point where I'm just an emotional train wreak and she seems hell bent on kicking him out which is going to put myself and him in a really shitty situation.

The latest thing today is my Buddy hadn't really done anything around the house for a couple days and she came home from going out and about and started giving me dirty looks and then finally said something about he was sitting there doing nothing. Then she told me not to say anything to him and how pissed she was basically and then it started another multi-part argument with her.

I'm at my wits end and I have no idea what to do or even who is correct in this situation.

“We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers, our willingness to embrace what is true rather than what feels good.”
― Carl Sagan
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05-06-2016, 09:43 PM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
(05-06-2016 09:27 PM)Worom Wrote:  I'm not even sure where to start as I've seem to caught myself up into a proverbial shit storm.

So I lived in an apartment and my buddy moved in with me as his parents were moving to the other side of the country as he lived with his parents. He has really bad anxiety that results in panic attacks (that makes it difficult for him to hold down a job) and it turns out the apartment living wasn't working out for him due to the nasty upstairs neighbors and the environment of the complex was deteriorating. He said he was getting ready to move out to where his parents went and would leave after I had mostly recovered from my gastric bypass surgery. As I didn't want him to move and wanted to have him around to help support me as I go through the weight loss process, I started looking for an alternative and asked my Mom and my Sister if we could move in with them, initially I thought it would be for a few weeks but it turned into where it would be about 6 months, I made sure that both of them were well aware of this and they both said it was ok. I then submitted the paperwork to terminate the lease, my buddies parents agreed to pay the penalty and I would finish out the rent and utilities for the 60 day period that the complex required. It should be noted my buddies dad was also living in the apartment as well as he wanted to earn back some of the money they spent from the move at his current job and I was allowing him to stay until the lease officially ends.

We move into my Mom's house about 4 days before my surgery, I also told her that my buddy would help out around the house with stuff that needs to be installed and cleaned up around the house thus far he has cleaned the floors typically every other day as well as installing three ceiling fans. So far so good, now after that I have had my surgery my Mom starts going full on pissed mode because she feels that my buddy is just using me because I am helping to financially support him see the previous anxiety piece. She also feels that his dad is using me because he is living in the apartment while I'm waiting for the lease to terminate. The original agreement between me and his dad is that he would pay for food and other household goods to live in the apartment which he did up until the point me and my buddy moved out of the apartment. Now every time my buddy goes out to buy something to eat my Mom gets all pissed at me and results in yet another argument and she is feeling that she is being used by him as well even though I already agreed to pay her 250 a month to live here as well as pay for our own food. It's gotten to the point where I'm just an emotional train wreak and she seems hell bent on kicking him out which is going to put myself and him in a really shitty situation.

The latest thing today is my Buddy hadn't really done anything around the house for a couple days and she came home from going out and about and started giving me dirty looks and then finally said something about he was sitting there doing nothing. Then she told me not to say anything to him and how pissed she was basically and then it started another multi-part argument with her.

I'm at my wits end and I have no idea what to do or even who is correct in this situation.

Contact his parents and ask advice.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
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05-06-2016, 09:58 PM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
... And listen to your mom. You're living under her roof, like it or not, and her views deserve your diligent attention and respect, even if you don't agree with them. In a sense you are responsible for your friend, insofar as this is your suggested solution, and because of that you are in a sense the bridge between her and him.
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05-06-2016, 10:00 PM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
What is the long term plan you had in mind for this situation? He won't be able to stay at your parents' place forever and six months is already a significant amount of time. Is he seeking therapy for his anxiety? Are you helping him look for a job that wouldn't trigger his panic attacks as much (e.g. jobs with little to no customer interaction)? Have there been any improvements at all in the last six months?

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05-06-2016, 10:07 PM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
(05-06-2016 10:00 PM)Vosur Wrote:  What is the long term plan you had in mind for this situation? He won't be able to stay at your parents' place forever and six months is already a significant amount of time. Is he seeking therapy for his anxiety? Are you helping him look for a job that wouldn't trigger his panic attacks as much (e.g. jobs with little to no customer interaction)? Have there been any improvements at all in the last six months?

After the 6 months the plan is to move out of my mom's that is the time needed to build the capital needed. Yes he has been trying various medications to help his anxiety, and he is supposed to start a backend loan doc processing job tomorrow with no customer interaction.

“We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers, our willingness to embrace what is true rather than what feels good.”
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05-06-2016, 10:19 PM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
(05-06-2016 09:58 PM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  ... And listen to your mom. You're living under her roof, like it or not, and her views deserve your diligent attention and respect, even if you don't agree with them. In a sense you are responsible for your friend, insofar as this is your suggested solution, and because of that you are in a sense the bridge between her and him.

Right I understand her house, her rules. I just feel caught in an unwinnable battle in trying to preserve my only friend without causing mass upheaval.

“We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers, our willingness to embrace what is true rather than what feels good.”
― Carl Sagan
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05-06-2016, 10:51 PM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
(05-06-2016 10:19 PM)Worom Wrote:  
(05-06-2016 09:58 PM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  ... And listen to your mom. You're living under her roof, like it or not, and her views deserve your diligent attention and respect, even if you don't agree with them. In a sense you are responsible for your friend, insofar as this is your suggested solution, and because of that you are in a sense the bridge between her and him.

Right I understand her house, her rules. I just feel caught in an unwinnable battle in trying to preserve my only friend without causing mass upheaval.

I get that -- that's why the only advice I gave was general. Finding a solution will take hard work, which cannot happen without open communication.
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06-06-2016, 10:43 AM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
(05-06-2016 09:27 PM)Worom Wrote:  I'm not even sure where to start as I've seem to caught myself up into a proverbial shit storm.

So I lived in an apartment and my buddy moved in with me as his parents were moving to the other side of the country as he lived with his parents. He has really bad anxiety that results in panic attacks (that makes it difficult for him to hold down a job) and it turns out the apartment living wasn't working out for him due to the nasty upstairs neighbors and the environment of the complex was deteriorating. He said he was getting ready to move out to where his parents went and would leave after I had mostly recovered from my gastric bypass surgery. As I didn't want him to move and wanted to have him around to help support me as I go through the weight loss process, I started looking for an alternative and asked my Mom and my Sister if we could move in with them, initially I thought it would be for a few weeks but it turned into where it would be about 6 months, I made sure that both of them were well aware of this and they both said it was ok. I then submitted the paperwork to terminate the lease, my buddies parents agreed to pay the penalty and I would finish out the rent and utilities for the 60 day period that the complex required. It should be noted my buddies dad was also living in the apartment as well as he wanted to earn back some of the money they spent from the move at his current job and I was allowing him to stay until the lease officially ends.

We move into my Mom's house about 4 days before my surgery, I also told her that my buddy would help out around the house with stuff that needs to be installed and cleaned up around the house thus far he has cleaned the floors typically every other day as well as installing three ceiling fans. So far so good, now after that I have had my surgery my Mom starts going full on pissed mode because she feels that my buddy is just using me because I am helping to financially support him see the previous anxiety piece. She also feels that his dad is using me because he is living in the apartment while I'm waiting for the lease to terminate. The original agreement between me and his dad is that he would pay for food and other household goods to live in the apartment which he did up until the point me and my buddy moved out of the apartment. Now every time my buddy goes out to buy something to eat my Mom gets all pissed at me and results in yet another argument and she is feeling that she is being used by him as well even though I already agreed to pay her 250 a month to live here as well as pay for our own food. It's gotten to the point where I'm just an emotional train wreak and she seems hell bent on kicking him out which is going to put myself and him in a really shitty situation.

The latest thing today is my Buddy hadn't really done anything around the house for a couple days and she came home from going out and about and started giving me dirty looks and then finally said something about he was sitting there doing nothing. Then she told me not to say anything to him and how pissed she was basically and then it started another multi-part argument with her.

I'm at my wits end and I have no idea what to do or even who is correct in this situation.

"So far so good, now after that I have had my surgery my Mom starts going full on pissed mode because she feels that my buddy is just using me because I am helping to financially support him see the previous anxiety piece."

Does she have any evidence to back up her feels, or is she just trying to manipulate you? I get that it's her house and that she feels entitled to have everything both ways, but that's not a good excuse for parental psychopathy.

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

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06-06-2016, 11:10 AM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
Honestly, no matter what the terms and money amounts are, living with others is difficult. Especially when it is YOUR home that you are letting people into. It disrupts your life, it disrupts your idea of a comfortable environment, it limits your privacy, it tires you out with extra socializing when you want downtime (especially if you are an introvert). I'm amazed your mom had the kindness to take you guys in. I can't blame her for being irritated. Nor can I blame her for being upset that you are being used in some respect. Nor can I blame her for feeling used.

The best thing I can think of is to talk with your friend, make sure that you are on track for moving out when you want to. And remind him of his responsibilities around the house (and possibly inform him of what behavior he does that bothers your mom). Then talk to her and say something like, "Here's the plan, we will be here for the next X months. I'll definitely be giving you $YYY per month, and my friend will be doing THING1,2,3 on a per week bases. Thank you so much for helping us through this. Is this OK with you? I really don't want to upset you or have a tense environment, so it would mean a-lot to me if we can understand each other rather than argue."

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06-06-2016, 11:33 AM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
Can't he just move back into the old appt. with his dad?

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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