Desperately need some outside perspective
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06-06-2016, 11:43 AM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
(06-06-2016 10:43 AM)Old Man Marsh Wrote:  
(05-06-2016 09:27 PM)Worom Wrote:  I'm not even sure where to start as I've seem to caught myself up into a proverbial shit storm.

So I lived in an apartment and my buddy moved in with me as his parents were moving to the other side of the country as he lived with his parents. He has really bad anxiety that results in panic attacks (that makes it difficult for him to hold down a job) and it turns out the apartment living wasn't working out for him due to the nasty upstairs neighbors and the environment of the complex was deteriorating. He said he was getting ready to move out to where his parents went and would leave after I had mostly recovered from my gastric bypass surgery. As I didn't want him to move and wanted to have him around to help support me as I go through the weight loss process, I started looking for an alternative and asked my Mom and my Sister if we could move in with them, initially I thought it would be for a few weeks but it turned into where it would be about 6 months, I made sure that both of them were well aware of this and they both said it was ok. I then submitted the paperwork to terminate the lease, my buddies parents agreed to pay the penalty and I would finish out the rent and utilities for the 60 day period that the complex required. It should be noted my buddies dad was also living in the apartment as well as he wanted to earn back some of the money they spent from the move at his current job and I was allowing him to stay until the lease officially ends.

We move into my Mom's house about 4 days before my surgery, I also told her that my buddy would help out around the house with stuff that needs to be installed and cleaned up around the house thus far he has cleaned the floors typically every other day as well as installing three ceiling fans. So far so good, now after that I have had my surgery my Mom starts going full on pissed mode because she feels that my buddy is just using me because I am helping to financially support him see the previous anxiety piece. She also feels that his dad is using me because he is living in the apartment while I'm waiting for the lease to terminate. The original agreement between me and his dad is that he would pay for food and other household goods to live in the apartment which he did up until the point me and my buddy moved out of the apartment. Now every time my buddy goes out to buy something to eat my Mom gets all pissed at me and results in yet another argument and she is feeling that she is being used by him as well even though I already agreed to pay her 250 a month to live here as well as pay for our own food. It's gotten to the point where I'm just an emotional train wreak and she seems hell bent on kicking him out which is going to put myself and him in a really shitty situation.

The latest thing today is my Buddy hadn't really done anything around the house for a couple days and she came home from going out and about and started giving me dirty looks and then finally said something about he was sitting there doing nothing. Then she told me not to say anything to him and how pissed she was basically and then it started another multi-part argument with her.

I'm at my wits end and I have no idea what to do or even who is correct in this situation.

"So far so good, now after that I have had my surgery my Mom starts going full on pissed mode because she feels that my buddy is just using me because I am helping to financially support him see the previous anxiety piece."

Does she have any evidence to back up her feels, or is she just trying to manipulate you? I get that it's her house and that she feels entitled to have everything both ways, but that's not a good excuse for parental psychopathy.

The only evidence I can think of is living in the apartment with me and his dad paid for all the food and household goods. When we moved into my mom's she got super pissed because he was buying takeout food to eat for dinner some nights.

“We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers, our willingness to embrace what is true rather than what feels good.”
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06-06-2016, 11:46 AM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
(06-06-2016 11:10 AM)Adrianime Wrote:  Honestly, no matter what the terms and money amounts are, living with others is difficult. Especially when it is YOUR home that you are letting people into. It disrupts your life, it disrupts your idea of a comfortable environment, it limits your privacy, it tires you out with extra socializing when you want downtime (especially if you are an introvert). I'm amazed your mom had the kindness to take you guys in. I can't blame her for being irritated. Nor can I blame her for being upset that you are being used in some respect. Nor can I blame her for feeling used.

The best thing I can think of is to talk with your friend, make sure that you are on track for moving out when you want to. And remind him of his responsibilities around the house (and possibly inform him of what behavior he does that bothers your mom). Then talk to her and say something like, "Here's the plan, we will be here for the next X months. I'll definitely be giving you $YYY per month, and my friend will be doing THING1,2,3 on a per week bases. Thank you so much for helping us through this. Is this OK with you? I really don't want to upset you or have a tense environment, so it would mean a-lot to me if we can understand each other rather than argue."

That was the jist of the original agreement except for nailing down specific days. He decided not to do much for 2 days and she went all Uber pissed mode at me. I'll try to have the conversation with her again the way you sugessted and hope for the best.

“We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers, our willingness to embrace what is true rather than what feels good.”
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06-06-2016, 12:02 PM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
I can empathise with your dilemma, having seen an almost identical scenario evolve around a "friend" sharing a house "temporarily" nearly four years ago! (Not my house thankfully.)

I'm probably gonna sound harsh compared to the other suggestions here, but in this case you have to practice a variation on the old 'cruel to be kind' adage. For your own sake—which is the most critical aspect here—and your mum's sake, you need to give this bloke his marching orders. He's gotta go. Sorry.

If he's a true buddy, his moving out, in a reasonable time span of say a month or so, shouldn't disrupt a true friendship. If it does, then you're better off without it.

My honest opinion would tend to be that he's undoubtedly using both you and your mum for totally self-centred reasons. He's playing on the sympathy vote (and your good nature)... oh poor me; I'm sick and broke, and can't get a job and nobody wants me etc. Boo hoo.

The mere fact that his presence is creating ongoing arguments between you and your mum, pissing her off unnecessarily, and making your own life hell says it all for me. It's what's known as a "toxic" friendship.

You might like to check out this site: http://www.webmd.com/women/features/toxi...d-more-foe. It applies pretty equally with men as well as woman. Good luck.

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06-06-2016, 12:36 PM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
(05-06-2016 09:27 PM)Worom Wrote:  I'm not even sure where to start as I've seem to caught myself up into a proverbial shit storm.

So I lived in an apartment and my buddy moved in with me as his parents were moving to the other side of the country as he lived with his parents. He has really bad anxiety that results in panic attacks (that makes it difficult for him to hold down a job) and it turns out the apartment living wasn't working out for him due to the nasty upstairs neighbors and the environment of the complex was deteriorating. He said he was getting ready to move out to where his parents went and would leave after I had mostly recovered from my gastric bypass surgery. As I didn't want him to move and wanted to have him around to help support me as I go through the weight loss process, I started looking for an alternative and asked my Mom and my Sister if we could move in with them, initially I thought it would be for a few weeks but it turned into where it would be about 6 months, I made sure that both of them were well aware of this and they both said it was ok. I then submitted the paperwork to terminate the lease, my buddies parents agreed to pay the penalty and I would finish out the rent and utilities for the 60 day period that the complex required. It should be noted my buddies dad was also living in the apartment as well as he wanted to earn back some of the money they spent from the move at his current job and I was allowing him to stay until the lease officially ends.

We move into my Mom's house about 4 days before my surgery, I also told her that my buddy would help out around the house with stuff that needs to be installed and cleaned up around the house thus far he has cleaned the floors typically every other day as well as installing three ceiling fans. So far so good, now after that I have had my surgery my Mom starts going full on pissed mode because she feels that my buddy is just using me because I am helping to financially support him see the previous anxiety piece. She also feels that his dad is using me because he is living in the apartment while I'm waiting for the lease to terminate. The original agreement between me and his dad is that he would pay for food and other household goods to live in the apartment which he did up until the point me and my buddy moved out of the apartment. Now every time my buddy goes out to buy something to eat my Mom gets all pissed at me and results in yet another argument and she is feeling that she is being used by him as well even though I already agreed to pay her 250 a month to live here as well as pay for our own food. It's gotten to the point where I'm just an emotional train wreak and she seems hell bent on kicking him out which is going to put myself and him in a really shitty situation.

The latest thing today is my Buddy hadn't really done anything around the house for a couple days and she came home from going out and about and started giving me dirty looks and then finally said something about he was sitting there doing nothing. Then she told me not to say anything to him and how pissed she was basically and then it started another multi-part argument with her.

I'm at my wits end and I have no idea what to do or even who is correct in this situation.

I don't see how you and your mom are not getting the shitty end of the deal here. Your buddy and his dad seem to be moochers, and you mom seems to be putting up much of the bill.

Has your friend tried to qualify for disability, if his anxiety is that bad that he can't work? Maybe then he could at least pay rent or something.

It's also not clear to me what you're getting out of this relationship, does he act as a caretaker, are you just buying a friend?

"Tell me, muse, of the storyteller who has been thrust to the edge of the world, both an infant and an ancient, and through him reveal everyman." ---Homer the aged poet.

"In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it."
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06-06-2016, 02:26 PM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
(06-06-2016 12:36 PM)Tomasia Wrote:  
(05-06-2016 09:27 PM)Worom Wrote:  I'm not even sure where to start as I've seem to caught myself up into a proverbial shit storm.

So I lived in an apartment and my buddy moved in with me as his parents were moving to the other side of the country as he lived with his parents. He has really bad anxiety that results in panic attacks (that makes it difficult for him to hold down a job) and it turns out the apartment living wasn't working out for him due to the nasty upstairs neighbors and the environment of the complex was deteriorating. He said he was getting ready to move out to where his parents went and would leave after I had mostly recovered from my gastric bypass surgery. As I didn't want him to move and wanted to have him around to help support me as I go through the weight loss process, I started looking for an alternative and asked my Mom and my Sister if we could move in with them, initially I thought it would be for a few weeks but it turned into where it would be about 6 months, I made sure that both of them were well aware of this and they both said it was ok. I then submitted the paperwork to terminate the lease, my buddies parents agreed to pay the penalty and I would finish out the rent and utilities for the 60 day period that the complex required. It should be noted my buddies dad was also living in the apartment as well as he wanted to earn back some of the money they spent from the move at his current job and I was allowing him to stay until the lease officially ends.

We move into my Mom's house about 4 days before my surgery, I also told her that my buddy would help out around the house with stuff that needs to be installed and cleaned up around the house thus far he has cleaned the floors typically every other day as well as installing three ceiling fans. So far so good, now after that I have had my surgery my Mom starts going full on pissed mode because she feels that my buddy is just using me because I am helping to financially support him see the previous anxiety piece. She also feels that his dad is using me because he is living in the apartment while I'm waiting for the lease to terminate. The original agreement between me and his dad is that he would pay for food and other household goods to live in the apartment which he did up until the point me and my buddy moved out of the apartment. Now every time my buddy goes out to buy something to eat my Mom gets all pissed at me and results in yet another argument and she is feeling that she is being used by him as well even though I already agreed to pay her 250 a month to live here as well as pay for our own food. It's gotten to the point where I'm just an emotional train wreak and she seems hell bent on kicking him out which is going to put myself and him in a really shitty situation.

The latest thing today is my Buddy hadn't really done anything around the house for a couple days and she came home from going out and about and started giving me dirty looks and then finally said something about he was sitting there doing nothing. Then she told me not to say anything to him and how pissed she was basically and then it started another multi-part argument with her.

I'm at my wits end and I have no idea what to do or even who is correct in this situation.

I don't see how you and your mom are not getting the shitty end of the deal here. Your buddy and his dad seem to be moochers, and you mom seems to be putting up much of the bill.

Has your friend tried to qualify for disability, if his anxiety is that bad that he can't work? Maybe then he could at least pay rent or something.

It's also not clear to me what you're getting out of this relationship, does he act as a caretaker, are you just buying a friend?

One of the reasons I'm letting his dad stay there is because they let me stay at their home for 3 months a little over a year ago and they asked nothing in return. I agreed to paying my mom the amount she wanted + food costs. He did try to get disability a while ago probably time to try again. The state said yes in terms of heathcare needs but the feds said no for money.

He does help me out, not financially but he maintains my vehicle and was also doing pretty much all the cleaning and chores at the apartment.

“We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers, our willingness to embrace what is true rather than what feels good.”
― Carl Sagan
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06-06-2016, 07:54 PM
RE: Desperately need some outside perspective
Well an update, he figured out that my Mom isn't happy that he is here and he has decided to move back with his parents. Our friendship survived even with the financial support aspect to be removed soon.

Thank you all for your advice it gave me perspective and ideas on how to resolve the situation.

“We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers, our willingness to embrace what is true rather than what feels good.”
― Carl Sagan
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