Divorce: How do you combat loneliness?
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07-01-2013, 11:23 PM
RE: Divorce: How do you combat loneliness?
If it was only sex, it would be an easy remedy. *lol*

It goes into what Logisch said:
Quote:

Be yourself, enjoy yourself, enjoy your hobbies, learn and gain confidence. Life is good [img]images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]



Also... do NOT be in a rush for a rebound or dating, take your time. Enjoy it.
If anyone has been in a similar situation, how have you learned to be more self-sufficient? What did you do to come from a life of pleasing and providing for others to a life where the main concern is #1?

"The problem with faith is that it really is a conversation stopper. Faith is a declaration of immunity to the powers of conversation. It is a reason why you do not have to give reasons for what you believe." - Sam Harris
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07-01-2013, 11:24 PM
RE: Divorce: How do you combat loneliness?
I've been divorced for about 3 years now. (From a pretty bad marriage)

I spent a lot of time with family and friends and they let me cry on their shoulders. Kind of like having my own personal therapists. I was very lucky to have a great support system in place. I slept a lot too. Especially in the first 6 months. I find that how I cope with stress.

Honestly the best thing for the pain is time. It took quite a while for me to start feeling human again. Just try to find things that keep you busy.

Then you can start dating again. (Which is tons of fun ugh) lol. That brings on a new set of problems all on its own. Smile

And I promise you will start feeling better again too.
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07-01-2013, 11:43 PM (This post was last modified: 07-01-2013 11:57 PM by Logisch.)
RE: Divorce: How do you combat loneliness?
(07-01-2013 11:23 PM)SingingBear Wrote:  If anyone has been in a similar situation, how have you learned to be more self-sufficient? What did you do to come from a life of pleasing and providing for others to a life where the main concern is #1?

My largest issue is that I identified my self worth with my wife at the time. You do get used to taking care of someone, helping them and assisting them and supporting them. You tend to feel like there's value in that of course. Or perhaps you rely some things on that person and you get used to it. Take away the situation and end up having to rely on yourself and suddenly the value you felt because of what you put in them is gone, the things you relied on from them are gone and you end up in this awkward place where you're not sure what to identify with.

I hope that sort of makes sense.

Every person and situation is different. Some people become very needy and reliant on the other person, other people feel like part of their existence is helping the other person, other people feel a natural need for constant interaction from a significant other. I can safely say that in my first marriage I tended to be a tad needy, I was very naive and relied much of my happiness on her.

Some might think it sounds selfish to say that you should be able to be happy without your significant other. But I think it is not. I'll explain what I mean... I love my wife to death, she's amazing. BUT, at the end of the day my identity is not "logisch+wife" I am simply "logisch" and I am married to my wife. My wife doesn't love me because I'm me + her, but because I am who I am. The things that make me... me.... If she goes on a vacation or goes out of town, I should be able to enjoy myself and not freak out that she's gone for 5 minutes. Clingy I think would be the word, yes, clingy. I can say I was "clingy" in my 1st marriage, so was she.

A lot of times as people go on in a relationship their identity ends up changing.. a lot. I'm not saying that it necessarily is a bad thing. But a healthy relationship is one that people can still be themselves at the end of the day. Some people change so much that they no longer enjoy the same things, or become so one sided that they sacrifice everything even down to the very identity they have to make the other happy. There has to be a balance for both people. I wouldn't ask my wife to sacrifice all the things she enjoys to make me happy, nor her job, nor the things she identifies with. If she did, I'd tell her to cut the shit because it's part of who she is. However, in my first marriage I gave up a lot of the things I enjoyed (hobbies, different job, even education and catered to every need) and most of those things were a HUGE part of who I was.

After my divorce I realized that I had lost a lot of those things. I gave a lot of them up. I had become not myself and not self reliable. I relied on others for my happiness, I had made it so there was little to no time for myself and my existence had become slaving away for another person.

To remedy this... I started making myself happy. Putting my immediate needs first. Of course, I was happy to help my family when they needed it, but instead of going around immediately looking for others I decided to start taking responsibility for my actions. To make changes in my life and to set goals and reach them.

If nothing else, set some goals and make them happen. It is a HUGE boost for your ego to set some goals, reach them, accomplish, conquer them. It makes you feel accomplished, like a badass and everyone needs some goals and things to do. Without them, you're just living day to day aimlessly. Life without goals is waking up, going to work, eating dinner, going to bed to wake up and do the same thing tomorrow. If your self worth is put in another person, you are doing the same thing, but waking up tomorrow to repeat the process for nothing other than to do it for that other person or for others. There is no self fulfillment, there is no joy for one's self, there is no self gratification for YOU. After all, you only get to live once, so you may as well enjoy some of your time.

So this is why I say it is important to set yourself some goals and accomplish them. As you start doing things for yourself, enjoying yourself and exploring hobbies or events or something that you enjoy you'll start to notice things about yourself and things perhaps you want to poke around with. No one can really discover you for yourself, you'll have to do it. But I can tell you that if you don't get some you time, and you spend all your time and self worth in another and especially in an unhappy relationship, you will never give yourself the time to figure it out. Wink

I hope that wasn't confusing. Also, sorry for writing so much. I have to stop myself sometimes as I tend to write a book when I post. Especially if it's something I can relate to.
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07-01-2013, 11:47 PM
RE: Divorce: How do you combat loneliness?
Logisch. I couldn't agree with all that more.
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07-01-2013, 11:50 PM
RE: Divorce: How do you combat loneliness?
(07-01-2013 08:33 PM)SingingBear Wrote:  I've been living alone for almost 7 months now. After 12 years of being with someone and having a son living with me for almost 4 years, I find this empty house to be very lonely.

As an atheist living in my small hometown, there's little to do and I have no support group to turn to.

What do I do instead? I go out to the bar and sing karaoke. *lol*

If you have a similar situation or have experienced this in the past, what do/did you do to combat loneliness? Is it healthier instead to accept it and get used to it?

I'd like to know.
How do I combat loneliness? Why it's simple really, by not establishing any emotional connections and therefore not having any desire to converse with any life form that can speak. I do have a cat though. Couldn't get rid of him even if I tried though, he'd just come back and claw at my window for hours... 6 longs hours... until I'd finally crack and let him in.
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07-01-2013, 11:52 PM (This post was last modified: 08-01-2013 12:27 AM by Aseptic Skeptic.)
RE: Divorce: How do you combat loneliness?
I guess I didn't get too lonely since my daughters both chose to live with me instead of their mother. No surprise that. As for my ex, well, she wasn't too lonely either since she moved her stuff out of my house and into her boyfriend's trailer. They were married March of last year - three weeks after our divorce was officially settled in court.

So, I suppose that's two different ways to not be lonely after a divorce. Those might not work out so well for you at this point, in which case, yeah, what the others said.

"Whores perform the same function as priests, but far more thoroughly." - Robert A. Heinlein
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08-01-2013, 12:03 AM
RE: Divorce: How do you combat loneliness?
(07-01-2013 11:50 PM)Heilo Wrote:  How do I combat loneliness? Why it's simple really, by not establishing any emotional connections and therefore not having any desire to converse with any life form that can speak.
So then what is your purpose for being here if you have no interest in conversing with people? Consider

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08-01-2013, 12:04 AM (This post was last modified: 08-01-2013 12:17 AM by SingingBear.)
RE: Divorce: How do you combat loneliness?
Exactly.

No, don't apologize. That is great. That's what I'm looking for. I tend toward the verbose myself. Just because you have a lot to say doesn't cheapen it in the slightest. The more descriptive you get, the more it helps me.

In many ways, I'm in the same place, Logisch, that you were in your first marriage. I measured my value by what I brought to the table. And I know what you mean-- it isn't right. What it is is a habit. A way of life. You and I both became accustomed to it. Maybe you had less difficulty overcoming it. Maybe more. I don't know. I wasn't there. But I know it's difficult to move from that to having no one to take care of.

I realize it's an issue of dependency on my part. Being dependent on being depended upon, if that makes any sense. And yes, I leaned on her to fulfill a role. Just as I expected myself to fill a role. It's when it comes crashing down; when that is all you know. That's the gaff, my friend. And I know you know it just as I do, in our own ways.

"The problem with faith is that it really is a conversation stopper. Faith is a declaration of immunity to the powers of conversation. It is a reason why you do not have to give reasons for what you believe." - Sam Harris
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08-01-2013, 12:16 AM
RE: Divorce: How do you combat loneliness?
And Heilo-- I'm not sure whether you're being rhetorical, sarcastic, or serious, so I'll take what you say literally.

While it's true that being divorced from any human connection would have certain benefits, I can't see that they outweigh the good of having real human connection.

It will always be painful. Two people are not exactly alike. Friction is inevitable. But having no connection with anyone? Isn't that impoverishing yourself? I mean, by definition, we are social creatures. If you have no stock in anyone else, doesn't that rob your life?

More broadly-- does the risk of being betrayed outweigh the need for companionship?

"The problem with faith is that it really is a conversation stopper. Faith is a declaration of immunity to the powers of conversation. It is a reason why you do not have to give reasons for what you believe." - Sam Harris
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08-01-2013, 01:23 AM
RE: Divorce: How do you combat loneliness?
(07-01-2013 11:23 PM)SingingBear Wrote:  ...
from a life of pleasing and providing for others to a life where the main concern is #1?

Hello! Seriously! Hookers.

What I really mean is that you need to start experimenting, taking some risks and establish some new boundaries to help you define who you are and find out who you want to be.

Hookers, sky diving, dancing / cooking lessons, whatever floats your boat.

At least, it worked for me.
You won't know what works for you until you start those experiments.

Smile

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