Do I even bring it up?
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15-01-2014, 07:49 PM
Do I even bring it up?
Short background. My best friend is adopted. a couple of years ago through an amazing set of coincidences she met her half sister and then her birth mother. Her birth mother now lives in a fabulous country which is a popular destination for holidays (vacations)

Anyway last year we went there for a week of sun and cocktails on the beach and spent some time with her BM and her husband. It was great. More than great. Had a blast.

As it was only the second time they had met her, her BM really wanted to spend an afternoon just the two of them together to talk about things and get to know each other. My friend really didn't want this. We did however spend the evening waiting for out plane at their house and having a lovely dinner and not a few drinks.

My friend says she is fine with the relationship as it is and has no interest in having deep and meaningful conversations with her. She says she sees her as a really nice lady who just happened to get sucked in by some lying toad 40 years ago and to which she is the result.

Anyway it fell to me to be a conduit to this skirting around the matter. Balancing out between what my friend wanted and what was clearly a woman who wanted to develop a relationship with her. I was as honest as I could be and I think she understood my friends position but still the fact remains she was expecting something more from the reunion than she got.

She is under the impression that my friend had an idyllic childhood that she could never have given her. This is far from the truth. My friend does not want to inform her otherwise and if happy for her to be under the assumption that her success, overall awesomeness and current good fortune are based on a solid family grounding. She did all of it herself the hard way. Her adoptive parents gave her nothing other than a roof over her head.

Anyway. This weekend she is coming to visit and we will be planning our next little sojourn to the BM's country. Naturally we plan on spending some time with her BM and her husband as they really are lovely people. From the conversation I had with her BM last time she seems to be seeking some absolution for the past as she is deeply religious. If she is seeking that from my friend she will not find it. It is a non issue for her and she will not be drawn on it. Let sleeping dogs lie.

When we go back it is a given we will factor in some time to spend with them. Either a couple of dinners out or a BBQ or an evening or so at their place. But knowing what I know and how badly this lady wants to spend time with her is it fair to bring this up? My friend has since established a good friendship with the BM's husbands sons and their families. She even hired one of their daughters for an intern type position at her work and next weekend they will be at an event my friend is organizing at the races.

Bit more background. My friend is as hard as nails. Her caring to not giving a damn is like a light switch. But she only does it with really, really good reason. She also has an amazing capacity for forgiveness and acceptance of other people. She has an extraordinary ability to untangle the complexity of peoples lives and decide if the person or situation is worth her effort. Judgmental. For sure. But discerning and open to all manner of human foibles and their unintended outcomes.

My approach to the matter was going to be "Ok well if we hire this house T and B can pop round which would be cool. It was great seeing them last time"
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15-01-2014, 08:10 PM
RE: Do I even bring it up?
I would stay out of that mess.

Advise your friend on your perspective- then let it be.

when lying in your bed at night and thinking of the child you gave up, or thinking of the mother that left you, some very, very powerful emotions come up. Your friend and the BM might say and do one thing to others, but those deep down emotions may not be ones they share with others but it doesn't mean they aren't there.

The two of them need to work out the boundaries of the relationship.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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15-01-2014, 08:57 PM
RE: Do I even bring it up?
I don't think you should bring it up. I wouldn't at least. That is very personal very emotional stuff that you are better off not caught in the middle of. It could cost your friendship.
As I side note BM usually stands for bowel movement and that was throwing me off a bit in your post. Haha

Swing with me a while, we can listen to the birds call, we can keep each other warm.
Swing with me forever, we can count up every flower, we can weather every storm.
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15-01-2014, 09:33 PM
RE: Do I even bring it up?
(15-01-2014 08:57 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  I don't think you should bring it up. I wouldn't at least. That is very personal very emotional stuff that you are better off not caught in the middle of. It could cost your friendship.
As I side note BM usually stands for bowel movement and that was throwing me off a bit in your post. Haha

Sorry. I can see how that would be disconcerting. Can I still use BM in this thread?

It is going to come up. We have photos to go through and these people are in a lot of them. We always talked about what our plans for the next trip would be and the BM is defo part of it. My friend actually likes the idea of going there and being a part of her family. She just doesn't want the big deep and meaningful conversation which she sees as going like....

"I am so pleased you have had such a wonderful life"
"Yeah. It's been good" (You have no idea)

If the BM knew the truth it would break her heart. She just sees the outcomes and assumes it comes from a stunning childhood full of care and attention. She even asked me if my friend had had a happy upbringing and I deflected and said. "Just look at the woman in front of you."
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15-01-2014, 09:39 PM
RE: Do I even bring it up?
(15-01-2014 09:33 PM)Pippen Wrote:  
(15-01-2014 08:57 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  I don't think you should bring it up. I wouldn't at least. That is very personal very emotional stuff that you are better off not caught in the middle of. It could cost your friendship.
As I side note BM usually stands for bowel movement and that was throwing me off a bit in your post. Haha

Sorry. I can see how that would be disconcerting. Can I still use BM in this thread?

It is going to come up. We have photos to go through and these people are in a lot of them. We always talked about what our plans for the next trip would be and the BM is defo part of it. My friend actually likes the idea of going there and being a part of her family. She just doesn't want the big deep and meaningful conversation which she sees as going like....

"I am so pleased you have had such a wonderful life"
"Yeah. It's been good" (You have no idea)

If the BM knew the truth it would break her heart. She just sees the outcomes and assumes it comes from a stunning childhood full of care and attention. She even asked me if my friend had had a happy upbringing and I deflected and said. "Just look at the woman in front of you."

It really did throw me off at first, but mostly I was just teasing you. I honestly think your friend should just lie and say her childhood was amazing and change the subject.

Swing with me a while, we can listen to the birds call, we can keep each other warm.
Swing with me forever, we can count up every flower, we can weather every storm.
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16-01-2014, 06:03 PM
RE: Do I even bring it up?
(15-01-2014 09:39 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  
(15-01-2014 09:33 PM)Pippen Wrote:  Sorry. I can see how that would be disconcerting. Can I still use BM in this thread?

It is going to come up. We have photos to go through and these people are in a lot of them. We always talked about what our plans for the next trip would be and the BM is defo part of it. My friend actually likes the idea of going there and being a part of her family. She just doesn't want the big deep and meaningful conversation which she sees as going like....

"I am so pleased you have had such a wonderful life"
"Yeah. It's been good" (You have no idea)

If the BM knew the truth it would break her heart. She just sees the outcomes and assumes it comes from a stunning childhood full of care and attention. She even asked me if my friend had had a happy upbringing and I deflected and said. "Just look at the woman in front of you."

It really did throw me off at first, but mostly I was just teasing you. I honestly think your friend should just lie and say her childhood was amazing and change the subject.

Cheers. Lying is where it is at for me. I don't mind being complicit in preserving the BM's idea of what my friends childhood was like. No good can come from the truth in this situation. Nothing will change it or make it better. The problem is with her need to establish a deeper relationship with my friend and it just isn't going to happen.

I think the circumstances surrounding how they actually met were so incredible (no shit is is so bizarre and unreal even I can't believe it) that she feel there is some kind of guiding force behind it propelled by her faith. To her it is a miracle.
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20-01-2014, 03:11 PM
RE: Do I even bring it up?
I would say: don't lie, but don't bring it up. Answer if you're asked.
If the BM shows an interest, answer questions.
That way you can at least say you haven't lied.

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20-01-2014, 09:07 PM
RE: Do I even bring it up?
Well the whole weekend was awesome but a bit of a mind fuck at the same time. More than a few bottles of wine, BBQ's and hanging out by the pool and she gave me some of her truths. Things I almost knew but didn't really understand. I have never really understood why she is my friend. She is a bit of a superstar (social pages, political influence, glamour, shit hot career, smart as all get out, looks like a cross between Angelina Jolie and Catherine Zeta Jones) and I am am definition of average. Ok not so average, but not at her stellar level.

I even asked her why we are so close and she told me she was jealous of the relationships I had with people. When I used to talk about my flatmates and friends (before we were close) and that just fucking broke my heart. My off hand conversations which I thought nothing of and would never have thought would be important other than what I had got up to over the weekend, apparently she was thinking "I want to be part of that" She wanted to be part of my life well before I even was capable of knowing it.
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