Do I tell my depressed mom I'm an atheist?
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06-06-2013, 09:34 PM
RE: Do I tell my depressed mom I'm an atheist?
(06-06-2013 08:44 PM)Takelababy Wrote:  When you were growing up did your mother not listen to your babblings on various topics? Of course she did. Now it's your turn to listen.

Oh, so you have a principle called: Do for others as they've done for you.

That's perfect. I don't know for sure but I would bet that this woman's mother yelled at her and possibly even hit her when she acted irrationally and didn't follow instructions.

So... the mother is acting irrationally and not following the instructions of her doctors. I say the daughter should yell at the mother and, if she feels the need, hit her until the mother straightens up her act.

Don't you agree?

The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names. - Chinese Proverb
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06-06-2013, 10:00 PM
RE: Do I tell my depressed mom I'm an atheist?
(06-06-2013 07:51 PM)bbeljefe Wrote:  And now we hear... the rest of the story.

To clarify, therapists don't prescribe drugs, psychiatrists do. At least that's the case here in the US and I would think it's similar elsewhere. Either way, and not that it makes a lot of difference but, I didn't mention psychiatry. IMO, psychotropics and psychoactives are heroine for a toothache. So I'm not the least bit surprised that she got no relief from them. Few people do.

And then... you mention that you're in another country and that your mother has a temper. Knowing that, I'd hazard a guess that you're probably expected to be the one in the relationship who manages your mother's emotions and if that's true, it's unfair to you. You shouldn't be expected to maintain a one sided relationship and to boot, cant' be honest.

I can tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes. I wouldn't tell my mother about my atheism.... because I wouldn't be talking with her.

Adult relationships are voluntary. Wink

It’s amazing how much you figured out about me from a couple of posts. You are absolutely right about my mom, she is a screamer and she used to hit me when I was a child. To be fair though, she stopped early in my childhood and still asks me to forgive her, and I don’t hold grudges, especially for over 20 yearsSmile
I wish I had your guts to stop talking to her, but I don’t. I love her with all my heart; I’m just trying to find a way to deal with her without damaging my sanitySmile
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06-06-2013, 10:25 PM
RE: Do I tell my depressed mom I'm an atheist?
(06-06-2013 10:00 PM)Happy Wrote:  
(06-06-2013 07:51 PM)bbeljefe Wrote:  And now we hear... the rest of the story.

To clarify, therapists don't prescribe drugs, psychiatrists do. At least that's the case here in the US and I would think it's similar elsewhere. Either way, and not that it makes a lot of difference but, I didn't mention psychiatry. IMO, psychotropics and psychoactives are heroine for a toothache. So I'm not the least bit surprised that she got no relief from them. Few people do.

And then... you mention that you're in another country and that your mother has a temper. Knowing that, I'd hazard a guess that you're probably expected to be the one in the relationship who manages your mother's emotions and if that's true, it's unfair to you. You shouldn't be expected to maintain a one sided relationship and to boot, cant' be honest.

I can tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes. I wouldn't tell my mother about my atheism.... because I wouldn't be talking with her.

Adult relationships are voluntary. Wink

It’s amazing how much you figured out about me from a couple of posts. You are absolutely right about my mom, she is a screamer and she used to hit me when I was a child. To be fair though, she stopped early in my childhood and still asks me to forgive her, and I don’t hold grudges, especially for over 20 yearsSmile
I wish I had your guts to stop talking to her, but I don’t. I love her with all my heart; I’m just trying to find a way to deal with her without damaging my sanitySmile

I'd like to take credit for being some sort of genius psychologist but the sad truth is that your situation isn't the exception. It's especially common in cultures like yours (although it's common everywhere) and it's especially common among daughters. This is because you're the ones who are expected to take care of the parents in old age. I don't know if you're the only daughter but if not, you may still be the one your mother chose for that role. You'll know though.

As for her stopping, I'm assuming you mean the hitting and not the yelling, otherwise you'd not have mentioned her temper in the above post. That's good. It's always good when violence stops. But, she's still yelling. So, she's asking you to forgive behavior that she's not willing to stop. Forgiveness isn't about the past, it's about the future. We can't change the past, so when we forgive, what we're saying is, "I trust you won't do this to me again". She needs to show you that.

I also understand that you love her. You were conditioned by nature to love her because if we don't love our parents or, more accurately, receive their love, we risk death. That's hardwired in our brains in infancy.

And I understand your reluctance to end the relationship. I know very well how difficult it is because I did it with both my parents. With my mother, it lasted for about a year and with my father, five years. However, we have restructured our relationships with a mutual respect for boundaries and a tolerance for different opinions and now I have a healthy, happy and enjoyable relationship with both of them. When the phone rings and it's one of them, I answer with joy instead of cringing or letting it go to voicemail.

That was the only thing I could do to maintain my sanity.

The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names. - Chinese Proverb
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07-06-2013, 10:35 PM
RE: Do I tell my depressed mom I'm an atheist?
(06-06-2013 10:25 PM)bbeljefe Wrote:  That was the only thing I could do to maintain my sanity.

Thank youSmile
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08-06-2013, 12:42 AM
RE: Do I tell my depressed mom I'm an atheist?
No need to throw gas on her fire. There is no harm in keeping your beliefs close to the vest for the time being. Whilst she is leaning on her faith during a low point, you should support her ability to rely on this to get her through. She will likely blame herself for your lack of faith , which will further damage her current state of mind.
No rush.
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08-06-2013, 02:08 AM
RE: Do I tell my depressed mom I'm an atheist?
(06-06-2013 10:00 PM)Happy Wrote:  I wish I had your guts to stop talking to her, but I don’t. I love her with all my heart; I’m just trying to find a way to deal with her without damaging my sanity:)

You shouldn't talk about your atheism with your mother. If it was my mother who was going through this world of hurt, I would be trying to get her into counseling... with a psychiatrist. This is a really tough period in her life, and they are pretty good at dealing with hurt and loss. Perhaps you should even look into who is highly recommended and give her some names and telephone numbers.

Everything is falling.
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08-06-2013, 01:39 PM (This post was last modified: 08-06-2013 01:48 PM by Anjele.)
RE: Do I tell my depressed mom I'm an atheist?
What part of this is a support section of the forum is confusing?

There need not be fighting among members other than the OP and there are some pretty nasty remarks that are certainly not supportive.

Sometimes 'tough love' is needed, I get that.

This forum section if supposed to be a safe haven, please leave your opinions elsewhere if you aren't going to try to be helpful.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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08-06-2013, 02:49 PM
RE: Do I tell my depressed mom I'm an atheist?
(08-06-2013 01:39 PM)Anjele Wrote:  What part of this is a support section of the forum is confusing?

There need not be fighting among members other than the OP and there are some pretty nasty remarks that are certainly not supportive.

Sometimes 'tough love' is needed, I get that.

This forum section if supposed to be a safe haven, please leave your opinions elsewhere if you aren't going to try to be helpful.

Here's a post from your cheerfully incompetent forum team to confirm that what Anjele said hits the nail on the head. Please, by all means be snarky... elsewhere. You can be riled and yeah, sometimes the odd comment gets thrown out which is insulting, but please do keep a lid on it in this section.

PS I loathe posting in pink.
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27-06-2013, 12:43 AM
RE: Do I tell my depressed mom I'm an atheist?
NO. NO. NO.No
IT WILL MAKE HER MORE DEPRESSED> DON"T GO THERE>

“You just go where your high-top sneakers sneak, and don't forget to use your head.”
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27-06-2013, 12:45 AM
RE: Do I tell my depressed mom I'm an atheist?
no. No. NO. Wait until she is not depressed anymore. Really, people like this, it will just make it worse for them. It's a pickle.Confused

“You just go where your high-top sneakers sneak, and don't forget to use your head.”
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