Do I tell my son?
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02-01-2015, 01:46 PM
RE: Do I tell my son?
(02-01-2015 01:23 PM)unfogged Wrote:  
(02-01-2015 01:04 PM)gofish! Wrote:  The point is that he's fine and coping well. I worry purely as to whether it will tip him into self-doubt. ... But for a boy going through the awkwardness of mid teens...

Early to mid teens is a royal mess for most people; if his condition makes it harder for him to read social cues then it'll be harder on him than it is for most. I'd think knowing can only help him cope better as long as you make him understand that it is just a difference that he'll need to compensate for.

Since he likes soccer maybe point out that for some kids it comes easy while others have to really practice and work at it to be good. They're still a valuable part of the team. Social interaction will just take a bit more effort on his part than is required from others. When you tell him, be sure to have current, accurate information available for him.

Then again, I'm not in that situation and never have been. Take advice from a random stranger on the internet and you get what you pay for!
Consider

So here's a minor correction and and irony, all for the price of one: he is brilliant at football (he once copied almost exactly a showboat move by Marouane Fellaini just by watching it on TV, first time, no practice). We even took him to Chelsea's school, but he hated it, because it is the social aspects that make it difficult for him to fit into a bunch of jocks.

I'm with you in theory that the knowledge could help him cope. But just because he has Aspergers doesn't mean he's not emotional (quite the opposite) and it's the impact of knowing that I'm trying to weigh against the benefits.

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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02-01-2015, 01:51 PM
RE: Do I tell my son?
maybe you could approach it with "I have an idea why you might be struggling socially." And then tell him, and explain all the other factors, give him a plan to work with. Since you have this, then you might need to focus on that so you can achieve what you want.

knowledge is power. we just need help figuring out the gameplan with all our pieces.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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02-01-2015, 02:10 PM
RE: Do I tell my son?
(02-01-2015 01:04 PM)gofish! Wrote:  Sure, he complains he doesn't quite understand girls... Smile

I’m sorry gofish!, I laughed when I read this. Let him know that they will always be a mystery, part of the allure.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
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02-01-2015, 02:16 PM
RE: Do I tell my son?
(02-01-2015 12:36 PM)gofish! Wrote:  The question that is vexing my wife and I is whether we should tell my son. So, I was wondering whether anyone else here has had any similar experience or personal feeling they would like to share on this.

If he's on meds and has access to the interwebz he probably already knows.

(02-01-2015 12:59 PM)gofish! Wrote:  Actually, he's not asking, otherwise it would be simple: I would tell him.

My money's on he already knows and is as uncomfortable with bringing it up to you as it is to you.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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02-01-2015, 02:20 PM
RE: Do I tell my son?
(02-01-2015 01:17 PM)gofish! Wrote:  
(02-01-2015 01:12 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  We didn't hide it from him, we used the word "autism". But he never honestly connected that he was on the spectrum until we told him.

I suppose he was around 13.

It's not just about learning academics -- it's about learning everything.

Social cues are the hardest, because they're so subtle at times.

My son doesn't get nuance, you must be very direct with him.

Sounds very familiar. Smile

Again, thanks for sharing. And yes it is purely the social aspect we're concerned with. So I'm guessing telling him went smoothly and no major issues? I know, we're talking about completely different people here, but just keen to learn as much as I can.

Yes, it did go very smoothly and it helped to remind him it all becomes less mysterious as years go by. Once he learns a social rule, it really sticks with him. Getting to which social rules he best needs to understand is the challenge. The list keeps changing. Gentle reminders of what his peers might think help hm to better understand social expectations.

Social stories really continue to help him.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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02-01-2015, 03:04 PM
RE: Do I tell my son?
(02-01-2015 01:04 PM)gofish! Wrote:  
(02-01-2015 12:55 PM)unfogged Wrote:  Why are you concerned about telling him? From the little info you've posted it sounds like knowing would only help him. What's the potential downside?

Good question. The short answer is that he's 14 and that's an intersting phase in anyone's life. He's doing well both at school and even socially (although, despite his soccer skills, he'll never be a "Jock"....thank goodness). Sure, he complains he doesn't quite understand girls... Smile

The point is that he's fine and coping well. I worry purely as to whether it will tip him into self-doubt. Like I said, my getting the news is fine: my professional experience has given me a lot of positive insight into people on the spectrum and I view it now as just a different set of fantastic capabilities.

But for a boy going through the awkwardness of mid teens, I'm keen to understand other people's experience before risking this move. Hopefully that makes sense?

Just a thought; I don't know your lil 'un, but...

If you truly believe yourself to have a little bit of it, AND can celebrate it, then there's your easy way to break it to him! If you decide to tell him then let him know that we may have a unique attribute that the 2 of us can learn to deal with, or even exploit to our benefit, together!
Like Batman and Robin, or Pele and the Cosmos! Thumbsup

You: "I guess we're just cool like that, huh?" Wink
Son: "Yeah, Dad! We rock!" Shy
*High Five* Big Grin

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02-01-2015, 03:08 PM
RE: Do I tell my son?
(02-01-2015 02:10 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  
(02-01-2015 01:04 PM)gofish! Wrote:  Sure, he complains he doesn't quite understand girls... Smile

I’m sorry gofish!, I laughed when I read this. Let him know that they will always be a mystery, part of the allure.

Well I figured I'd let you all fill in the missing words there! Big Grin

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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02-01-2015, 03:11 PM
RE: Do I tell my son?
(02-01-2015 02:16 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(02-01-2015 12:36 PM)gofish! Wrote:  The question that is vexing my wife and I is whether we should tell my son. So, I was wondering whether anyone else here has had any similar experience or personal feeling they would like to share on this.

If he's on meds and has access to the interwebz he probably already knows.

(02-01-2015 12:59 PM)gofish! Wrote:  Actually, he's not asking, otherwise it would be simple: I would tell him.

My money's on he already knows and is as uncomfortable with bringing it up to you as it is to you.

No meds, no intervention last intervention was when he was 3-4), no therapy, so no reason to know. Plus we're real tight, he and I: he'd ask me (goodness knows, he's asked me about stuff that'd make anybody else blush!)

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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02-01-2015, 03:13 PM
RE: Do I tell my son?
(02-01-2015 02:20 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  
(02-01-2015 01:17 PM)gofish! Wrote:  Sounds very familiar. Smile

Again, thanks for sharing. And yes it is purely the social aspect we're concerned with. So I'm guessing telling him went smoothly and no major issues? I know, we're talking about completely different people here, but just keen to learn as much as I can.

Yes, it did go very smoothly and it helped to remind him it all becomes less mysterious as years go by. Once he learns a social rule, it really sticks with him. Getting to which social rules he best needs to understand is the challenge. The list keeps changing. Gentle reminders of what his peers might think help hm to better understand social expectations.

Social stories really continue to help him.

Yep, that really resonates: rules are the key things with him (although woe be anybody who breaks them!).

You've definitely given me something to think about there. Thanks. Smile

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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02-01-2015, 03:15 PM
RE: Do I tell my son?
(02-01-2015 03:04 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  Just a thought; I don't know your lil 'un, but...

If you truly believe yourself to have a little bit of it, AND can celebrate it, then there's your easy way to break it to him! If you decide to tell him then let him know that we may have a unique attribute that the 2 of us can learn to deal with, or even exploit to our benefit, together!
Like Batman and Robin, or Pele and the Cosmos! Thumbsup

You: "I guess we're just cool like that, huh?" Wink
Son: "Yeah, Dad! We rock!" Shy
*High Five* Big Grin

That has crossed my mind more than once, for sure. Actually, I think I have a reasonable story to tell (I could tell you all, but then I'd have to kill you!Smile ).

Thanks for that...

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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