Doc's Parks and Rec Sunday School
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 9 Votes - 4.22 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
02-12-2013, 05:19 PM
RE: DOC'S (PARENTHETIC) SUNDAY SCHOOL
(02-12-2013 08:12 AM)docskeptic Wrote:  My apologies if my musings are too obscure. I try to avoid provincialism but some Americanisms are just too good to pass up! The "Who's on first" routine is a classic example. It helps that God the Father is also known as I AM or I AM THAT I AM.

The Celtics-Lakers rivalry is another. Also, earlier, I told Colourcraze to "Drink the Kool-Aid". For those puzzled by my advice, a quick Google search will clear up any mystery.

Would love to hear equivalent provincialisms from elsewhere in the globe

Doc

[Image: popeye1.gif]

He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! -Brian's mum
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like Cardinal Smurf's post
03-12-2013, 10:05 AM (This post was last modified: 03-12-2013 11:23 AM by docskeptic.)
RE: DOC'S SLAPSTIC(K) SUNDAY SCHOOL
Cardinal Smurf: Doc, I have a question about Jesus's divinity.

Doc: Yes?

Cardinal Smurf: What part of Jesus was divine?

Doc: All of him, I suppose. To support any other position smacks of Nestorianism.

Cardinal Smurf: So, his blood was divine as well?

Doc: Absolutely! In fact, given that his blood is efficacious for the remission of sins, it may have been the most divine part of him!

Cardinal Smurf: What about his hair? Or his nails? Were they divine too?

Doc: Ummm...

Cardinal Smurf: Doc, billions of his skin cells would have been shed over his lifetime. Countless more billion cells would have been shed in his urine and stool. Other parts of his body, such as hair and nails, would have been cut or trimmed to a certain length. Here's the question: once the cells left his body, did they stay divine? If so, did they impart any divine properties to his urine or stool? I would not put it past avid relic hunters to prize a reliquary that contained a sample of his stool or his urine.

What miracles would a sample of his stool or his urine have been capable of? What would their feast days have been named? Remember, the Feast of the Holy Prepuce celebrating Jesus's foreskin was celebrated on December 31 until it was banned by the church in the nineteenth century. The mind boggles at the possibilities.

Doc: Do you know where I might find such a reliquary?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
03-12-2013, 10:18 AM
RE: DOC'S SLAPSTIC(K) SUNDAY SCHOOL
The Festival of the Holy Shit...

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes morondog's post
03-12-2013, 10:33 AM (This post was last modified: 03-12-2013 11:53 AM by Bucky Ball.)
RE: DOC'S SLAPSTIC(K) SUNDAY SCHOOL
(03-12-2013 10:05 AM)docskeptic Wrote:  Cardinal Smurf: Doc, I have a question about Jesus's divinity.

Doc: Yes?

Cardinal Smurf: What part of Jesus was divine?

Doc: All of him, I suppose. To support any other position smacks of Nestorianism.

Cardinal Smurf: So, his blood was divine as well?

Doc: Absolutely! In fact, given that his blood is efficacious for the remission of sins, it may have been the most divine part of him!

Cardinal Smurf: What about his hair? Or his nails? Were they divine too?

Doc: Ummm...

Cardinal Smurf: Doc, billions of his skin cells would have been shed over his lifetime. Countless more billion cells would have been shed in his urine and stool. Other parts of his body, such as hair and nails, would have been cut or trimmed to a certain length. Here's the question: once the cells left his body, did they stay divine? If so, did they impart any divine properties to his urine or stool? I would not put it past avid relic hunters to prize a reliquary that contained a sample of his stool or his urine.

What miracles would a sample of his stool or his urine have been capable of? What would their feast days have been named? Remember, the Feast of the Holy Prepuce celbrating Jesus's foreskin was celebrated on December 31 until it was banned by the church in the nineteenth century. The mind boggles at the possibilities.

Doc: Do you know where I might find such a reliquary?

Bucky : throwing spitballs in class again, aims one at Cardinal S. Inside it says "WTAF is this shit ? The Feast of the Chopping of the Holy Dick is STILL celebrated, and was on the Roman calendar until the 20th C."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feast_of_th..._of_Christ

Bucky : Hey Doc, I actually HAVE some divine coprolite. Wanna buy some ?
https://www.google.com/search?q=coprolit...41&dpr=0.9

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
03-12-2013, 12:41 PM
RE: DOC'S SLAPSTIC(K) SUNDAY SCHOOL
(03-12-2013 10:33 AM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  Bucky : Hey Doc, I actually HAVE some divine coprolite. Wanna buy some ?

Bucky,
Since I am a Young Earth Creationist, I'll buy your argument that Jesus's stool has had sufficient time to fossilize. I'll trade you two of Moses's loogies for it.

Doc
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like docskeptic's post
04-12-2013, 08:52 AM
RE: DOC'S ELASTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (STRETCHING THE TRUTH SINCE 2013)
Bucky: Speaking of coprolites, how did Jesus and his contemporaries wipe up after themselves? There was no toilet paper and the Bible gives us no recipes for soap.

Doc: Like most ancient cultures, the ancient Israelites probably washed their bums with water after they "went".

Bucky: Ha, ha! You said "bums". Anyway, in Luke 11:38 and Matt. 15:2, it specifically says that the Pharisees censured Jesus and his disciples for not washing their hands before they ate. Jesus simply replied that as long as one's heart was clean, it did not matter how dirty one's hands were. With such an attitude, it would be surprising indeed if Jesus and his disciples were not internally infested with parasites. In fact, scholars have analyzed an ancient Israelite toilet and have found clear evidence for parasitic infections. What does it mean to be a parasitized deity?

Doc: Do you mean to say that godliness is not next to cleanliness? Of course, Jesus could not have been parasitized.

Bucky: Well, it was very remiss of him then, to neglect telling us how to fend off the little buggers ourselves. Science had to do that job.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like docskeptic's post
05-12-2013, 07:59 AM (This post was last modified: 05-12-2013 09:06 AM by docskeptic.)
RE: DOC-JONG-IL'S DEMOCRATIC SUNDAY SCHOOL
Morondog: Doc, remember we were talking about the divinity of Jesus's blood? I have a question.

Doc, swallowing a couple of pills: Fire away.

Morondog: Well, we learned that the Bible makes no mention of products like soap and with the lack of soap and proper laundering, external parasites like lice, mites, and skin fungal infections would have been extremely common. Conditions were particularly ripe for the spread of parasites with unsanitary living conditions, poor access to clean, potable water, poor personal hygiene, improper storage of foodstuffs, and improper cooking techniques. I daresay the ubiquitous mosquito may also have made a meal of Jesus's blood sometime during his lifetime. What are those pills you're taking?

Doc: They're made from the relics of a holy man. I find them very effective. What's your point?

Morondog: Being filled with Jesus's blood, did the parasites become divine? And what is the fate of cells that were once divine but have since sloughed off? If dead individual cells could lose their divinity, could not the whole body lose its divinity at the point of death? After all, it is clearly stated that Jesus's spirit had departed at death and was preaching to the lost souls in Hades while his body lay in the tomb (1 Peter 3:19). This would then imply that Jesus's dead body was no longer superhuman and was subject to the process of decay.

If this was not the case, what kept the body divine and whole after death? And if individual cells and organs could stay divine apart from the body of Jesus, would a hypothetical organ recipient from Jesus imbibe some of his divinity? Moreover, since immortality is an attribute of divinity, would we not expect the divine sloughed cells to survive to this day?

Doc: Take a couple of these St. Upid pills. They'll make everything better!
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
05-12-2013, 08:40 AM
RE: DOC-JONG-IL'S DEMOCRATIC SUNDAY SCHOOL
Interesting... If you were to look at a sample of Jesus' divine blood under a microscope, would it look any different than mine? What does divine blood look like? (I mean, we all know what it tastes like)
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Colourcraze's post
05-12-2013, 09:08 AM
RE: DOC-JONG-IL'S DEMOCRATIC SUNDAY SCHOOL
(05-12-2013 08:40 AM)Colourcraze Wrote:  Interesting... If you were to look at a sample of Jesus' divine blood under a microscope, would it look any different than mine? What does divine blood look like? (I mean, we all know what it tastes like)

Colourcraze,
In my church, Jesus's blood tastes suspiciously like Welch's Grape Juice (now with added anti-oxidants!).
Doc
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like docskeptic's post
05-12-2013, 09:12 AM
RE: DOC-JONG-IL'S DEMOCRATIC SUNDAY SCHOOL
DOC-JONG-IL'S DEMOCRATIC SUNDAY SCHOOL Laughat

Excellent!

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: