Doc's acrobatic Sunday School (performing mental gymnastics since 2013)
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 9 Votes - 4.22 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
04-04-2013, 09:31 AM
DOC'S HOLISTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (WHERE WE TEACH THE WHOLE BIBLE)
(04-04-2013 06:49 AM)docskeptic Wrote:  
(03-04-2013 03:57 PM)Impulse Wrote:  Sorry, didn't realize it was in jest. Carry on. :thumbsup:

With your permission then, and with apologies in advance:

Impulse: Doc, can I ask you a medical question?

Doc: How apposite you should ask! Did you know that I hold a second job as a physician?

Impulse (yawning): How fascinating. Anyway, you know the epileptic boy in Mark 9:17-29? The one whose father brought to the disciples first to heal? Why did Jesus have to perform an exorcism to heal the boy? Isn't epilepsy caused by an organic or metabolic problem?

Doc (patronizingly): Well, modern doctors don't know everything, do they? The Bible says that many illnesses are caused by demon possession as was apparently the case in this poor lad.

Impulse: But how do we know that the boy stayed cured after Jesus had passed through? Aren't seizures intermittent? Don't patients live normal lives in between seizures? Who followed up on the lad to ensure that the cure was permanent? And why were the disciples not able to heal the boy?

Doc: Well, you see, that particular type of demon could not be cast out except through prayer and fasting.

Impulse: And had the disciples fasted and prayed?

Doc: No.

Impulse: Then why did Jesus publicly scold the disciples for having too little faith since the demon would have refused to budge even if they had the faith to move mountains, because they had not fasted and prayed first? How long would they have to fast for, anyway? One meal? One day? And was it a short prayer or a long, flowery one that would drive the demon away? What other conditions must be fulfilled for other types of demons to be cast out? Why do we not hear of these demons now?

Doc: Don't be impertinent! The Bible says it was so and that's that!

Perhaps it was written by demons?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
04-04-2013, 01:34 PM (This post was last modified: 04-04-2013 03:07 PM by docskeptic.)
RE: DOC'S HOLISTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (WHERE WE TEACH THE WHOLE BIBLE)
Cardinal Smurf: Perhaps it was written by demons?

Doc: Gasp! How can you say that? The Bible was not written by demons. It was written by men who were inspired by God and God is not the author of evil.

Cardinal Smurf: I see. So, what do we make of Judges 9: 23 which says that God sent an evil spirit to sow discord between Abimelech and the men of Shechem as a punishment for the murder of Abimelech's seventy brothers, which both these parties had a hand in?

Doc: Ah.

Cardinal Smurf: And in 1 Kings 22:19–-22, the prophet Micaiah describes the sending of a lying spirit by God into the mouths of the prophets of Ahab, the king of Israel, to give him false assurance of victory in order to tempt him into battle with the Arameans of Ramoth Gilead. Wasn't God culpable?

Doc: Oh.

Cardinal Smurf: And in 1 Sam.16:14, an evil spirit from the Lord tormented Saul, the first king of Israel. What about Isaiah 45:7 which says, "I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things"? And similar sentiments are expressed in verses such as Amos 3:6 and Lamentations 3:38. How, then, can you say that God is not the author of evil?

Doc: Uh...
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like docskeptic's post
04-04-2013, 03:19 PM
DOC'S HOLISTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (WHERE WE TEACH THE WHOLE BIBLE)
(04-04-2013 01:34 PM)docskeptic Wrote:  Cardinal Smurf: Perhaps it was written by demons?

Doc: Gasp! How can you say that? The Bible was not written by demons. It was written by men who were inspired by God and God is not the author of evil.

Cardinal Smurf: I see. So, what do we make of Judges 9: 23 which says that God sent an evil spirit to sow discord between Abimelech and the men of Shechem as a punishment for the murder of Abimelech's seventy brothers, which both these parties had a hand in?

Doc: Ah.

Cardinal Smurf: And in 1 Kings 22:19–-22, the prophet Micaiah describes the sending of a lying spirit by God into the mouths of the prophets of Ahab, the king of Israel, to give him false assurance of victory in order to tempt him into battle with the Arameans of Ramoth Gilead. Wasn't God culpable?

Doc: Oh.

Cardinal Smurf: And in 1 Sam.16:14, an evil spirit from the Lord tormented Saul, the first king of Israel. What about Isaiah 45:7 which says, "I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things"? And similar sentiments are expressed in verses such as Amos 3:6 and Lamentations 3:38. How, then, can you say that God is not the author of evil?

Doc: Uh...

Wow! I know more Bible verses than I thought! Take that, Doc!

Also, I'd like to change my previous answer: perhaps you are a demon?

Perhaps I am!

He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! -Brian's mum
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like Cardinal Smurf's post
04-04-2013, 07:10 PM
RE: DOC'S HOLISTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (WHERE WE TEACH THE WHOLE BIBLE)
Doc: Cardinal Smurf, God is not "evil". He's just, umm... really strict. He doesn't really want to punish people. As 2 Peter 3: 9 says, the Lord is "not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance."

Cardinal Smurf: He sure has a funny way of showing it. Joshua 11: 20 says, "For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts, to meet Israel in battle in order that he might utterly destroy them, that they might receive no mercy, but THAT HE MIGHT DESTROY THEM, just as the LORD had commanded Moses."

Doc: You don't understand. God was talking about the Philistines. They were wicked and worshipped false gods and were leading Israel astray and deserved to be exterminated.

Cardinal Smurf: I see. Who made the decisions to wage war against the Israelites? And who led the Israelites into idolatry?

Doc: Why, the kings and priests, I suppose.

Cardinal Smurf: Why, then, did Joshua strike "all the souls that were there with the edge of the sword, utterly destroying them: there was not any left that breathed" (Joshua 11:11)? That would include the women, children and animals, wouldn't it? What did they do to deserve death?

Doc: Well, the women were also culpable. Some of them led Israelite men astray into idolatry. In Numbers 25, we read of Phineas, grandson of Aaron the high priest, who drove a spear right through a Israelite man and into his Moabite wife's stomach, killing them both. For this, he was much praised by God who then stopped the plague that killed 24,000 Israelites as punishment for their idolatry.

Cardinal Smurf: And the children?

Doc: Well, they might grow up to take revenge against the Israelites, wouldn't they? In the words of Glenn Miller, a Christian apologist, "If you're going to do the job, do it right." That's just how God likes it.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
05-04-2013, 06:20 AM
RE: DOC'S HOLISTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (WHERE WE TEACH THE WHOLE BIBLE)
Doc: Listen up, class it's time for another pop quiz!

Universal groaning. A spitball narrowly misses Doc's head as he turns to the blackboard and writes down the following questions.

1. According to Matt. 1:1-17 and Luke 3:21-38, who was Jesus's paternal grandfather?
a. Jacob b. Heli c. Either d. Both

2. Name at least three of Jesus's four brothers and explain how this is compatible with the Roman Catholic theory of Mary's perpetual virginity.

3. Add up all the figures in Ezra 2:1-64 and explain why your answer is wrong compared to the Bible's answer.

4. Ditto for Nehemiah 7:1-66.

5. According to 2 Chronicles 13: 12-17, the Israelites were defeated by Judah and lost 500,000 men in 1 day. Calculate the number of soldiers lost in
a. 1 hour b. 1 second
5 bonus points for explaining how the Judeans inflicted such a high casualty rate in the pre-gunpowder era. 5 more bonus points for naming the next most deadly battle ever.

6. Locate the Garden of Eden on a map of the world. Hint: A single river from this land split into four. The Tigris and the Euphrates are located in modern Turkey. Draw the course of the remaining two rivers, the Pishon which Josephus says is in modern India and the Gihon which flows to modern Ethiopia in Northern Africa.
Bonus points for neatness, colorfulness and staying within the lines.

7. Essay question: In your own words, write a paragraph-length commentary on Deuteronomy 21: 10-14, "When you go to war against your enemies and the Lord your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, trim her nails and put aside the clothes she was wearing when captured. After she has lived in your house and mourned her father and mother for a full month, then you may go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife. If you are not pleased with her, let her go wherever she wishes. You must not sell her or treat her as a slave, since you have dishonored her."
Bonus points for using all our vocabulary words: Compassionate, kind, peaceful, honorable, justified, catastrophe, godly, thoughtful and war crime.

8. Bonus question (worth 10 points): According to John 18:28, on what day of the week was Jesus crucified? Hint: It does not begin with the letter "F".
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
05-04-2013, 12:04 PM
DOC'S HOLISTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (WHERE WE TEACH THE WHOLE BIBLE)
(05-04-2013 06:20 AM)docskeptic Wrote:  Doc: Listen up, class it's time for another pop quiz!

Universal groaning. A spitball narrowly misses Doc's head as he turns to the blackboard and writes down the following questions.

1. According to Matt. 1:1-17 and Luke 3:21-38, who was Jesus's paternal grandfather?
a. Jacob b. Heli c. Either d. Both

2. Name at least three of Jesus's four brothers and explain how this is compatible with the Roman Catholic theory of Mary's perpetual virginity.

3. Add up all the figures in Ezra 2:1-64 and explain why your answer is wrong compared to the Bible's answer.

4. Ditto for Nehemiah 7:1-66.

5. According to 2 Chronicles 13: 12-17, the Israelites were defeated by Judah and lost 500,000 men in 1 day. Calculate the number of soldiers lost in
a. 1 hour b. 1 second
5 bonus points for explaining how the Judeans inflicted such a high casualty rate in the pre-gunpowder era. 5 more bonus points for naming the next most deadly battle ever.

6. Locate the Garden of Eden on a map of the world. Hint: A single river from this land split into four. The Tigris and the Euphrates are located in modern Turkey. Draw the course of the remaining two rivers, the Pishon which Josephus says is in modern India and the Gihon which flows to modern Ethiopia in Northern Africa.
Bonus points for neatness, colorfulness and staying within the lines.

7. Essay question: In your own words, write a paragraph-length commentary on Deuteronomy 21: 10-14, "When you go to war against your enemies and the Lord your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, trim her nails and put aside the clothes she was wearing when captured. After she has lived in your house and mourned her father and mother for a full month, then you may go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife. If you are not pleased with her, let her go wherever she wishes. You must not sell her or treat her as a slave, since you have dishonored her."
Bonus points for using all our vocabulary words: Compassionate, kind, peaceful, honorable, justified, catastrophe, godly, thoughtful and war crime.

8. Bonus question (worth 10 points): According to John 18:28, on what day of the week was Jesus crucified? Hint: It does not begin with the letter "F".

1= Senator Palpatine.

2= Larry, Moe, Curly

3= 42. Answer is wrong because we still don't know the question. When we do it will become right.

4= and ditto for me too.

5= in one hour: 500,000. In one second: 500,000. Reason: Godfinger. Next most deadly battle: Battlefield Earth.

6= you're confusing me. Am I locating on a map or drawing one? Make up your mind! Also: fuck it, Enid, OK.

7= Dear Doc, We think it's unfair to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms and easiest definitions. You see us as....zzzzszzzz

8= Viernes!
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 5 users Like Cardinal Smurf's post
05-04-2013, 12:30 PM (This post was last modified: 05-04-2013 07:27 PM by docskeptic.)
RE: DOC'S HOLISTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (WHERE WE TEACH THE WHOLE BIBLE)
(05-04-2013 12:04 PM)Cardinal Smurf Wrote:  
(05-04-2013 06:20 AM)docskeptic Wrote:  Doc: Listen up, class it's time for another pop quiz!

Universal groaning. A spitball narrowly misses Doc's head as he turns to the blackboard and writes down the following questions.

1. According to Matt. 1:1-17 and Luke 3:21-38, who was Jesus's paternal grandfather?
a. Jacob b. Heli c. Either d. Both

2. Name at least three of Jesus's four brothers and explain how this is compatible with the Roman Catholic theory of Mary's perpetual virginity.

3. Add up all the figures in Ezra 2:1-64 and explain why your answer is wrong compared to the Bible's answer.

4. Ditto for Nehemiah 7:1-66.

5. According to 2 Chronicles 13: 12-17, the Israelites were defeated by Judah and lost 500,000 men in 1 day. Calculate the number of soldiers lost in
a. 1 hour b. 1 second
5 bonus points for explaining how the Judeans inflicted such a high casualty rate in the pre-gunpowder era. 5 more bonus points for naming the next most deadly battle ever.

6. Locate the Garden of Eden on a map of the world. Hint: A single river from this land split into four. The Tigris and the Euphrates are located in modern Turkey. Draw the course of the remaining two rivers, the Pishon which Josephus says is in modern India and the Gihon which flows to modern Ethiopia in Northern Africa.
Bonus points for neatness, colorfulness and staying within the lines.

7. Essay question: In your own words, write a paragraph-length commentary on Deuteronomy 21: 10-14, "When you go to war against your enemies and the Lord your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, trim her nails and put aside the clothes she was wearing when captured. After she has lived in your house and mourned her father and mother for a full month, then you may go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife. If you are not pleased with her, let her go wherever she wishes. You must not sell her or treat her as a slave, since you have dishonored her."
Bonus points for using all our vocabulary words: Compassionate, kind, peaceful, honorable, justified, catastrophe, godly, thoughtful and war crime.

8. Bonus question (worth 10 points): According to John 18:28, on what day of the week was Jesus crucified? Hint: It does not begin with the letter "F".

1= Senator Palpatine.

2= Larry, Moe, Curly

3= 42. Answer is wrong because we still don't know the question. When we do it will become right.

4= and ditto for me too.

5= in one hour: 500,000. In one second: 500,000. Reason: Godfinger. Next most deadly battle: Battlefield Earth.

6= you're confusing me. Am I locating on a map or drawing one? Make up your mind! Also: fuck it, Enid, OK.

7= Dear Doc, We think it's unfair to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms and easiest definitions. You see us as....zzzzszzzz

8= Viernes!

Doc: I am shocked. Simply shocked. Did your parents and previous Sunday School teachers not teach you anything? It's not like I am asking for the answer to Life, the universe and everything! These are simple basic Bible questions which any competent student should have been able to answer. For example, the first question was, "According to Matt. 1:1-17 and Luke 3:21-38, who was Jesus's paternal grandfather?" The answer is NOT Senator Palpatine (looking disapprovingly at Cardinal Smurf), but BOTH by virtue of a levirate marriage.

According to some scholars, Jacob and Heli were brothers. One of them married Joseph's mother and died without an heir. In obedience to Deut. 25:5, the other then married the widow and produced Joseph but then brought up the child in the deceased brother's name and voila, you have two fathers!

Cardinal Smurf: But how does it happen that earlier in Jesus genealogy, Shealtiel has two different fathers too? There is no possible way a levirate marriage could explain that situation and still allow the ancestral line to remain intact.

Doc (who believes in the efficacy of collective punishment): Extra homework for all. Tomorrow, we'll tackle question number 2.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
05-04-2013, 12:35 PM
DOC'S HOLISTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (WHERE WE TEACH THE WHOLE BIBLE)
(05-04-2013 12:30 PM)docskeptic Wrote:  Doc (who believes in the efficacy of collective punishment): Extra homework for all. Tomorrow, we'll tackle question number 2.

"Collective Punishment". That fucking thorn in the side of my childhood now has a name. I shall brood now.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Cardinal Smurf's post
05-04-2013, 07:33 PM
RE: DOC'S HOLISTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (WHERE WE TEACH THE WHOLE BIBLE)
Cardinal Smurf,
Were you, perchance, educated in a Catholic institute? Whence the thorn in your side? Care to share?

Doc
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
05-04-2013, 07:40 PM
DOC'S HOLISTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (WHERE WE TEACH THE WHOLE BIBLE)
(05-04-2013 07:33 PM)docskeptic Wrote:  Cardinal Smurf,
Were you, perchance, educated in a Catholic institute? Whence the thorn in your side? Care to share?

Doc

The memories have been on the fuzzy side of late but I shall try. No, not Catholic. I just have memories of being the source for a collective punishment a few times. When you're already living as the awkward, geeky teen and already feel like the low man on the totem pole, collective punishment is like a dagger in the heart. The looks from the other students haunt me still I suppose. The contempt in their eyes was plain as day.

But, I suppose looking back from here it doesn't seem so bad. I think it's getting easier for me to look back on those times now and realize I was a kid...and so were they.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Cardinal Smurf's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: