Doc's mephitic Sunday School (silent but deadly since 2013)
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 9 Votes - 4.22 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
19-01-2014, 09:47 PM
RE: DOC'S TERRORIFIC MADRASSA
(19-01-2014 02:23 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  
(02-06-2013 04:49 PM)docskeptic Wrote:  Doc: Erxomai, the first question we need to ask is: Do we know for a fact that Jesus was a male? The following will adduce sufficient proof for that. We know that he was circumcised on the eighth day after his birth, which means he had to have had something to circumcise. Moreover, a passage in Isaiah (50:6) has been applied as a prophecy about the maltreatment of Jesus and says, “I offered my back to those who beat me, my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard” (a male characteristic). Last, during his torture and when he was on the cross, he may have been naked, enabling everyone to confirm that he was most definitely a male.

If, then, Jesus was a male, he had to have all the necessary appertunances that pertain to a male, specifically, a pair of testicles, a penis, a pair of seminal vesicles, and a prostate gland. Now, as a “normal” male, Jesus must have had normal testicular function, including both hormonal production and spermatogenesis. We know that the hormonal component probably functioned without a hitch, since Jesus probably had secondary sexual characteristics such as a deep voice and the height, muscle mass, and hair distribution appropriate for a male (see my earlier comments regarding proof that Jesus was a male). But what about the spermatogenesis component? If Jesus produced sperm, what purpose did it serve, since the only purpose of sperm is that of reproduction? And how can a son of God reproduce? Did Jesus ever achieve an emission of sperm, nocturnal or otherwise (approximately 80 to 90 percent of males experience one during their lifetime)? If Jesus did not produce sperm, then how could he have been the perfect man?

From where did he learn about the birds and the bees? Did he learn from the neighborhood know-it-all? Or did Joseph sit him down and have a heart-to-heart? If he was anything like most young boys, the description must have left him either confused or titillated. And what did he do with that knowledge? As far as we can tell, Jesus never did translate theory into practice.

Here's something to think about. As a male, Jesus had a 44+ XY genetic complement. Where did the Y chromosome come from? (In a normal male fetus, the Y chromosome is contributed by the father.) And what genetic sequences were hand-picked by God to be included in that chromosome? Many inherited diseases are sex-linked, i.e. related to disorders of the sex chromosomes, so picking perfect sequences gave Jesus an unfair advantage over the rest of us schmucks.

Doc

Heh-heh - "penis" Evil_monster

I mean... interesting lesson, Doc. Interesting indeed. Yes

I am now all caught up. You can go ahead and dub me Teacher's Pet now, thanks. Smartass

*shoots spit wad from the back of the class*

Atir aissom atir imon
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Im_Ryan's post
19-01-2014, 10:03 PM
RE: DOC'S TERRORIFIC MADRASSA
(19-01-2014 09:47 PM)Im_Ryan Wrote:  
(19-01-2014 02:23 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Heh-heh - "penis" Evil_monster

I mean... interesting lesson, Doc. Interesting indeed. Yes

I am now all caught up. You can go ahead and dub me Teacher's Pet now, thanks. Smartass

*shoots spit wad from the back of the class*

Blast and damn! Was looking for the scene from SpongeBob where Patrick loads his face up with spitwads but I can't find it!!!! Hobo

Either way, Im_Ryan - you'd better not expect any help from me come next assignment! Tongue

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
19-01-2014, 10:06 PM
RE: DOC'S TERRORIFIC MADRASSA
Sometimes it's not so easy... bein' the teacher's pet Tongue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkUpG7Yi5P4

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-01-2014, 09:42 AM (This post was last modified: 20-01-2014 12:47 PM by docskeptic.)
RE: DOC'S TERRORIFIC MADRASSA
Doc, looking around blearily: New students? I thought the authorities shut down the Sunday School. Well, now that you're here, grab a glass of communion wine and let's try and forget the Patriots' loss last night. I think that Anjele and Witchiepoo jinxed the game.

Escape Artist: I think you've had enough to drink. Let's talk about the miracles of Jesus, shall we? What about the raising of Lazarus from the dead? Here's some coffee.

Doc: Yes, this greatest of Jesus's miracles was recorded in John 11 and tells how Lazarus, the brother of Martha and Mary fell ill and died. When Jesus heard of it, he went to Bethany and standing in front of Lazarus's tomb, he called him forth and, lo and behold, Lazarus comes walking out, whole and hearty! Great fear fell on the populace and the Jewish leaders became so afraid of Jesus that they plotted to kill both Jesus and Lazarus.

Escape Artist: Yeah, about that, if this was the greatest of all of Jesus's miracles, why is it only recorded in John?

Doc: What do you mean? Luke mentions Lazarus along with Martha and Mary.

Escape Artist: Nope. Luke tells the story of Lazarus and Dives. Different person altogether and the story was a parable, not to be taken literally. Your second point is more troubling. In Luke 11, we read about Jesus visiting the house of Martha and Mary, but there is nary a mention of Lazarus or even the fact that the sisters had a brother at all, much less that he was once raised from the dead. This silence of the synoptists is suspicious, very suspicious indeed, and raises the possibility that John fabricated the story altogether.

Also, it was sublimely stupid of the Jews to plot to kill a man who was only recently raised from the dead.

Doc, singing: Little brown jug, don't I love thee? Hic! Little brown jug...
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like docskeptic's post
20-01-2014, 12:18 PM
RE: DOC'S TERRORIFIC MADRASSA
(19-01-2014 10:03 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  
(19-01-2014 09:47 PM)Im_Ryan Wrote:  *shoots spit wad from the back of the class*

Blast and damn! Was looking for the scene from SpongeBob where Patrick loads his face up with spitwads but I can't find it!!!! Hobo

Either way, Im_Ryan - you'd better not expect any help from me come next assignment! Tongue

Meh, I was always the kid asleep in the back of the class yet never got a bad a grade. I just found your enthusiasm humorous and figured we needed the typical bully.
There's always one asshole, right? Thumbsup

Atir aissom atir imon
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Im_Ryan's post
20-01-2014, 12:22 PM
RE: DOC'S TERRORIFIC MADRASSA
(20-01-2014 09:42 AM)docskeptic Wrote:  Doc, looking around blearily: New students? I thought the authorities shut down the Sunday School. Well, now that you're here, grab a glass of communion wine and let's try and forget the Patriots' loss last night. I think that Anjele and Witchypoo jinxed the game.

Escape Artist: I think you've had enough to drink. Let's talk about the miracles of Jesus, shall we? What about the raising of Lazarus from the dead? Here's some coffee.

Doc: Yes, this greatest of Jesus's miracles was recorded in John 11 and tells how Lazarus, the brother of Martha and Mary fell ill and died. When Jesus heard of it, he went to Bethany and standing in front of Lazarus's tomb, he called him forth and, lo and behold, Lazarus comes walking out, whole and hearty! Great fear fell on the populace and the Jewish leaders became so afraid of Jesus that they plotted to kill both Jesus and Lazarus.

Escape Artist: Yeah, about that, if this was the greatest of all of Jesus's miracles, why is it only recorded in John?

Doc: What do you mean? Luke mentions Lazarus along with Martha and Mary.

Escape Artist: Nope. Luke tells the story of Lazarus and Dives. Different person altogether and the story was a parable, not to be taken literally. Your second point is more troubling. In Luke 11, we read about Jesus visiting the house of Martha and Mary, but there is nary a mention of Lazarus or even the fact that the sisters had a brother at all, much less that he was once raised from the dead. This silence of the synoptists is suspicious, very suspicious indeed, and raises the possibility that John fabricated the story altogether.

Also, it was sublimely stupid of the Jews to plot to kill a man who was only recently raised from the dead.

Doc, singing: Little brown jug, don't I love thee? Hic! Little brown jug...

Haven't you seen world war z? The Jew's were trying to stop the zombie apocalypse! Come on now...

Also, welcome back doc! Smile

Atir aissom atir imon
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-01-2014, 12:46 PM
RE: DOC'S TERRORIFIC MADRASSA
(20-01-2014 12:22 PM)Im_Ryan Wrote:  Haven't you seen world war z? The Jew's were trying to stop the zombie apocalypse! Come on now...

Also, welcome back doc! Smile

And look what happened to them and the rest of the world. Zombies rule!
Doc
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-01-2014, 12:54 PM
RE: DOC'S TERRORIFIC MADRASSA
(20-01-2014 12:46 PM)docskeptic Wrote:  
(20-01-2014 12:22 PM)Im_Ryan Wrote:  Haven't you seen world war z? The Jew's were trying to stop the zombie apocalypse! Come on now...

Also, welcome back doc! Smile

And look what happened to them and the rest of the world. Zombies rule!
Doc

Yeah, the Muslims ruined it -_-
(pretty sure it was Muslims, correct me if I'm wrong - referring to the girl's terrible singing that pissed off the zombies)

But yes, zombies are amazing.

Atir aissom atir imon
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Im_Ryan's post
20-01-2014, 01:42 PM
DOC'S TERRORIFIC MADRASSA
*turns up boom box in back if class*




He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! -Brian's mum
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
21-01-2014, 07:54 AM (This post was last modified: 21-01-2014 07:59 AM by docskeptic.)
RE: DOC'S THERAPEUTIC SUNDAY SCHOOL (BLOWING OFF STEAM SINCE 2013)
Doc: A glass of communion wine, for pity's sake. Just a glass. To keep the terrors away.

Im_Ryan, slapping Doc: Snap out of it, man. It's time to start the Sunday School.

Escape Artist: You know, they say you should never strike a drunk man.

Im_Ryan: Doc's drunk? Oh, well! Look, Doc. I have a question about the zombies.

Doc: Zombies? What zombies?

Im_Ryan: That Lazarus dude we talked about yesterday. If Jesus raised him from the dead, he must have been a zombie.

Doc, outraged: Not at all! When Lazarus was resurrected, he came out of the tomb whole. There was no decay. Martha, his sister was afraid that there would be a "stink" when the tomb was opened, but there was none.

Im_Ryan: Doc, do you know what happens when people die? Unless Lazarus was only brain-dead, his heart stopped beating as well. In the absence of circulation, toxins accumulate within the cells, causing cell lysis with the further release of intracellular chemicals. The buildup of carbon dioxide and the lack of oxygen in the cells contribute to this process as well. Within a few hours, anaerobic bacteria within the body that thrive in the low-oxygen environment multiply exponentially, causing the massive digestion of tissues and releasing gases such as carbon dioxide, methane, hydrogen sulfide, and ammonia, all of which contribute to the characteristic smell of human decay.

Scientist have classified human decay into several stages. They are
1. Fresh
2. Bloat
3. Active Decay
4. Advanced decay
5. Dry/Remains

Since Lazarus was dead for at least 4 days before being resurrected, he must have been well into the bloat phase or depending on the weather, maybe even in the active decay phase.

Doc, sweating and hands shaking: So?

Im_Ryan: So, when Lazarus was resurrected, where did all the products of decay go? Since there was no odor of decay, it did not escape into the atmosphere. This would imply one of two things: either he was preserved intact from the moment of death or the changes of death were instantaneously reversed at the moment of his resurrection.

If the former, then Jesus had to have known the exact moment that Lazarus died to set into motion a hibernation or stasis process that preserved his body. This would also mean that Jesus (being divine) had the power to prevent Lazarus's death but chose not to do so. Instead, he chose to allow Martha and Mary to suffer grief for four whole days while he deliberately waited for two extra days at Bethabara following their appeal. This was done specifically so that "God's son may be glorified through it" (John 11:4).

If the latter...

Doc: Oh, look! A pink elephant.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: