Does anyone else struggle with this?
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07-10-2013, 09:23 AM
Does anyone else struggle with this?
So, long story short, I lived VERY close to my parents for a long time - not because I wanted to, but because they (especially my mom) would cry and basically insinuate that I was trying to take her grandchildren away from her every time I talked about wanting to move away - and now I don't.

I am soooo much happier living closer to town. I guess I always knew I would be, but it's still a very pleasant surprise. Anyway, until yesterday, I hadn't been out to my parent's house (nor gone by the old house I used to live in, which was next door to theirs) in months.

In all that time, I haven't missed them. Haven't missed my younger brother, nor my dad, and certainly not my mother. Haven't thought of them, either. Yesterday, we went by their house because we had to pick up the kids, and there was no tearful reunion or "Wow, I've missed you guys" or anything like that because I honestly haven't missed them. And I suck at faking stuff like that. It just seems strange that I could shut off all emotions towards these people with whom I lived for so many years. but I have been doing that a lot lately.

It's like I'm in some sort of survival mode or something. I have been with my mom for, oh about ten years now. Just got to the point where I couldn't take any more pain and hurt from her anymore so I walled her off out of necessity and it was without my intentionally doing so. It just kind of happened. Like my mind/emotions/whatever-you-want-to-call-it said "Enough, you can't handle this anymore so I'm shutting you off."

And it's the same with my husband. Just like with my mom, a series of hurts and perceived betrayals occurred and for a long time I could forgive each and every one and move forward with a clean slate. But there came a time with my mother (as it did with my husband) where I could no longer just forgive. Even if I could come to a point of intellectually understanding why they might have done what they did (which I have with both), it had no affect on my feelings. The wall was and is there, and there is no bringing it down. I've tried - both because there are times when I'd genuinely like to bring it down and because I feel that it's a social expectation to forgive someone, especially if they've apologized, which both have in their own way. But I just can't seem to do it.

That's what worries me most with my marriage is that it's been ten years (okay, if I do the math it's actually been about 13 years) since my big "break" with my mom and the wall is still very much there. I don't hate her, though I do feel she is (whether intentionally or not) manipulative, but neither do I feel warmly toward her. I am forever on guard with her. Given this sequence of events, the same will hold true with my husband. Thirteen years from now, I will - as now - not hate him, but neither will I feel the love for him that I once did and wish I could now. This was the line of thinking that had me settled on a divorce just a handful of months ago.

Anyway, I'm just kind of talking out of my behind here, but I am still so confused. On the one hand, I'm trying to be as honest with him about what I want and need in all respects of our marriage and life together, but on the other it feels like even if he does do all of the things I'd like, it won't be enough. Not nearly enough.

And that makes me feel like it'd be a disservice to him to stay, knowing I'll probably never truly be able to forgive and move on, never able to love him like he deserves, but then that feels like I'm trying to find some "noble" way to get out of it. Like, "Oh, I'm doing you a favor by bowing out of your life" that way I don't have to feel (as) guilty about it.

It's funny the things we do to preserve ourselves, to keep ourselves safe. It just sucks when protecting yourself means hurting someone else.

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07-10-2013, 09:28 AM
RE: Does anyone else struggle with this?
Just let the rants flow. It'll make ya feel better. I dun have any advice,but i can gife you Hug s and an e-shoulder to cry on

KC IS A LIAR!!!! HE PROMISED ME VANILLA CAKES AND GAVE ME STRAWBERRY CAKE Weeping
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07-10-2013, 10:24 AM
RE: Does anyone else struggle with this?
Thanks, LV. I needed that.

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07-10-2013, 02:25 PM
RE: Does anyone else struggle with this?
I was in a five year relationship, about 3 1/2 years in I felt the hardening you are talking about. After wasting 1.5 years trying to fix what was broken, I admitted too much had been lost and moved out.

It felt about the same as you moving away from your mom - awesome and amazing. BUT, I didn't have kids to think about. If you do, it gets much more complicated. Later I found the right person for me, and after 7 years together, we both feel better about each other than our first year together.

If there are no kids in the picture, and your honest estimation is that you CAN do better, (and usually any smart person can), I would say go for it. If there are kids, then you have to seriously consider the ramifications and your happiness v. theirs. I don't have kids, so I can't begin to understand how that might go.....

Good luck!

Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're an incredible slouch.

Martin Luther was the "father" of two movements - The Reformation and Nazism.
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08-10-2013, 02:29 AM
RE: Does anyone else struggle with this?
There is a thin line between love and hate, but ultimately you have to do what makes you happy. Be a bit of a hedonist. When I was young, I wanted an adventure. I wanted to see what the world had to offer. I did a bit of that, then decided I wanted to move back to my old stomping grounds. I still like a bit of adventure. I would be surprised if I stayed here for 10 years straight. I do what will male me happy. Of course, I am married, and making my wife happy males me happy as well. Fortunately for me, she is usually up for anything as well. We both love our families, and we both like new experiences, trying out a whole new town with a whole new way. The first thing you have to figure out what you want. That's the hard bit. After that all you have to do is make it happen. If you don't know what the hell you want, stick your toe in the water and find out.

Good Luck!

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08-10-2013, 07:12 AM
RE: Does anyone else struggle with this?
Thanks DL, and Skippy,

We (my husband and me) had a good conversation last night so I felt better after that. I am still trying to figure out what I want and whether I can have that with him or not, and that last part is key. I think I need to really just put it all out there and see if I can have the things I want with him, and then if not, I will have to take the next step.

We do have kids, yes, but I don't know. Sometimes I think if they were in my situation, I'd want them to do what they felt would make them happy. And I also think about how, yes, divorce hurts children but as much as parents would like for their children never to experience pain, it's going to happen at some point or another and there is nothing that you as a parent can do to stop it. Whether by your hand or not, pain is a part of life and your children will unfortunately experience at some point in their lives. So in the end you just have yourself to answer to.

As far as being happy making your wife happy, that's great, DL. I used to be that way, just happy to make him happy, but after a while it became clear to me that he didn't quite care so much about making me happy. He is trying now and I can see that, but my heart is still pretty cold toward him and is not easily convinced that this is a lasting change or that it'd be smart to de-thaw just yet.

I just know that I'm very thankful to have all of y'alls support and advice and your patient ears as I muddle my way through all this. Hug

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08-10-2013, 07:15 AM
RE: Does anyone else struggle with this?
(08-10-2013 02:29 AM)Dark Light Wrote:  When I was young

Rolleyes You're two years younger than me (if you're being straight about your age in your profile) and I'm still young, dammit, so you are, too!!! lol

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08-10-2013, 12:36 PM
RE: Does anyone else struggle with this?
I meant younger* Eh, about 18-20

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08-10-2013, 01:40 PM
RE: Does anyone else struggle with this?
(08-10-2013 07:12 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  So in the end you just have yourself to answer to.

^^ That right there. ^^

The only way you will ever be able to love or take care of anyone else, is if you are able to love and take care of you. You certainly need and deserve it and so does your husband.

Your children deserve it as well. Children deserve to be exposed to a healthy relationship between their parents, rather than an obligatory or codependent relationship. A healthy relationship can mean the parents have mutually decided that a separation is necessary for growth. Separate growth is better than no growth. With time, your kids will recognize this and it will contribute to their understanding of what a healthy relationship is.

Take care to be as amicable with your husband as possible but, be firm in letting him know that your needs being met, will help you to understand his side of the issues.

Don't make it a competition; it's not. You need what you need, he needs what he needs, your mutual responsibility is to get your children on their way to being healthy adults.

***
If there has been any discussion of divorce (as you've hinted), I highly recommend immediate consultation with a lawyer and to advise your husband when you do so. Stress family and amicable but don't expect everything to be instantly great because it's being handled; tensions can run high in these situations.

Shoot for tranquility.

Keep communication open with the kids and make sure their father does as well. The kids are not divorcing, the parents are - make sure the kids know and understand this.
****

Rant here as much as you need... Hug laying it all out can give you a better perspective.

Don't get run down; get plenty of sleep and eat well - you need it for a clear head. Shy

I think in the end, I just feel like I'm a secular person who has a skeptical eye toward any extraordinary claim, carefully examining any extraordinary evidence before jumping to conclusions. ~ Eric ~ My friend ... who figured it out.
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08-10-2013, 04:08 PM
RE: Does anyone else struggle with this?
I have a sense there is something, or someone, else that is involved here. Something seems to be pulling you toward it. Maybe you've been thinking a lot about a new life alone? I say this without ANY judgment. It was those ideations that saved me.

But, be sure to be honest with yourself, that is the most important thing. If you've already made the decision, and are just trying to "not be a bad person," please don't waste your time. Life is too short to try to rationalize how not to be a bad person and get out of a relationship that stagnates you. Did I mention that I wasted nearly two years of my life when I should have been doing other things? I finally came up with "I want to have kids and she doesn't so....." 7 years later, no kids and no plans for kids. I was lying to myself but I couldn't just say "I'm not happy in this relationship" and leave it at that. Don't waste your life wondering what if. My 2 cents (or less).

Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're an incredible slouch.

Martin Luther was the "father" of two movements - The Reformation and Nazism.
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