Does anyone got any jokes?
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
28-07-2011, 11:33 AM
 
Does anyone got any jokes?
Well I'm not got at jokes but, here I got anyway.

Stranger:*knock,knock*
Me:"Who's there"
Stranger:"Jesus"
Me:"Jesus who?"
Stranger:"Jesus Christ you damn idiot.How many guys you know with 'Jesus' as there first name, now open the damn door so I can slap you!"
Quote this message in a reply
28-07-2011, 12:13 PM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
OK here goes.

A treasure hunter is digging through some ruins in the middle of nowhere hoping beyond hope to find that one treasure that will finally allow him to retire to a nice island hideaway.
He dug and dug, until finally hours later "ding" he hit something. And it sounded metal. Frantically he dug it up using only his hands and pulled something out of the dirt. To reveal ... some shitty lamp. But it was something so he used his sleeve to rub it clean and see what color it was.
Blammo, a puff of some sexy blue smoke puffed out of the end nearly blinding the treasure hunter with it's awesomeness.
"What the hell man, shitty lamp. Probably used by some college kids as a makeshift bong." He said.
"NO IT IS MY HOME" said a booming voice from behind him. He turned and saw some crazy looking blue guy wearing a turban and a diaper. His eyes were red and his beard was fancy.
"Who are you? Papa Smurf?"
"NO I AM A GENIE, AN ANCIENT RACE OF MAGICAL CREATURES ENSLAVED BY MANKIND TO GRANT WISHES FOR WHO SO EVER RUBS OUR LAMP. YOU HAVE DONE SO AND THEREBY HAVE THREE AMAZING WISHES AWAITING YOUR VERY REQUEST"
"Bullshit."
"NO IT'S TRUE, HOWEVER EVEN THOUGH I AM MAGICAL I MUST OBEY WHATEVER LOCAL LAWS AND CUSTOMS YOUR KIND FOLLOWS. WHICH MEANS UNFORTUNATELY I MUST GIVE YOUR EX-WIFE DOUBLE WHATEVER I GIVE YOU. SORRY."
"Serious?... that sucks, but whatever. ... Well here goes.... My first wish... I want 100 million dollars.... cool?"
"GRANTED, AND I HAVE GIVEN YOUR EX-WIFE 200 MILLION DOLLARS"
"... Well at least I'm rich too... "
"YES BUT SHE IS MUCH RICHER THAN YOU."
"Yeah yeah, I get it, I get it. My next wish is for great luck in love for the rest of my life."
"GRANTED, HOWEVER YOUR EX-WIFE WILL ALWAYS BE LUCKIER THAN YOU, AND SHE WILL HAVE MULTIPLE AMAZING PARTNERS AT THE SAME TIME UNLIKE YOU WHO WILL AT MOST HAVE ONE."
"Humph, well I guess that's o.k., although I'd rather she not have anyone, she was sort of a mean wife, I mean she never wanted me to leave and find treasures... which is kind of what I'm all about you know..." A smile crossed the treasure hunters face suddenly.
"I got my last wish, so get ready... I want you to scare me half to death..."

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments." -Jim Morrison
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
28-07-2011, 12:14 PM (This post was last modified: 28-07-2011 12:19 PM by TheBeardedDude.)
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
A funny joke...I know! Intelligent Design! Or Creationism? Or Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann as president. I know these are all cruel, stupid jokes.
Another good genie joke:
Three men are stranded on an island. They are walking around trying to figure out what to do when they come across a lamp. They rub it and out pops a genie.
Genie. "I will grant each of you one wish."
Guy 1. "I wish I was back home with my wife and kids." *poof* and he is gone
Guy 2. "I wish I was rich and at the world's biggest party in Las Vegas with tons of hot chicks all around me." *poof* and he is gone
Guy 3. "Man, it is getting kind of lonely here...I wish those other two guys were back." *poof*

“Science is simply common sense at its best, that is, rigidly accurate in observation, and merciless to fallacy in logic.”
—Thomas Henry Huxley
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
28-07-2011, 12:41 PM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
Try this tread...

Observer

Agnostic atheist
Secular humanist
Emotional rationalist
Disclaimer: Don’t mix the personal opinion above with the absolute and objective truth. Remember to think for yourself. Thank you.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
28-07-2011, 05:31 PM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
http://www.sickipedia.org/search/1/?q=christianity

Don't hold me responsible for the content, its called SICKipedia for a reason Big Grin.

Best and worst of Ferdinand .....
Best
Ferdinand: We don't really say 'theist' in Alabama. Here, you're either a Christian, or you're from Afghanistan and we fucking hate you.
Worst
Ferdinand: Everyone from British is so, like, fucking retarded.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Hughsie's post
29-07-2011, 04:27 AM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
(28-07-2011 05:31 PM)Hughsie Wrote:  http://www.sickipedia.org/search/1/?q=christianity

Don't hold me responsible for the content, its called SICKipedia for a reason Big Grin.

Quote:Christianity - The religion based on the irony of a carpenter being nailed to a giant wooden cross.

LMAO!!

Observer

Agnostic atheist
Secular humanist
Emotional rationalist
Disclaimer: Don’t mix the personal opinion above with the absolute and objective truth. Remember to think for yourself. Thank you.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
30-07-2011, 04:44 PM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
Warning:
This joke contains Eurocentricity, stereotyping and othering (it's also waaay past its sell-by date); may not be suitable for sensitive readers.

Heaven:
Where the chefs are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the whole thing is organized by the Swiss.

Hell:
Where the chefs are Swiss, the police are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are British and the whole thing is organized by the Italians.

If you pray to anything, you're prey to anything.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like Peterkin's post
30-07-2011, 09:46 PM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
This is kind of old, but it's fitting for this forum.

A priest dies and finds himself before St. Peter. St. Pete says; "Somehow, it seems, there aren't very many of you up here! Did you ever take the time to read the bible, or did you just chase little boys your entire life?
The priest replies, while shaking, "Yes sir, I DID read the bible, I know it well!"
St. Pete says; "Tell me the story of the crucifiction."(Tongue)
The priest responds;"Well, Jesus was nailed to the cross....and uh... After they cut him down, they put him in this cave with a big rock in front of it.
St Pete; "Yes...go on..."
Priest; "On the 3rd day, he arose, rolled the rock away from the entrance, and went outside"
St. Pete; "Yes,...go on..."
Priest; "And if he sees his shadow, there's 6 more weeks of winter!"

Oxymoron: "Religious teaching"
"Simple common sense goes out the window when religion comes in through the door." Me (Blasphemy Fan )
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
31-07-2011, 01:36 AM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
Here's another heaven joke:

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

The God excuse: the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument. "God did it." Anything we can't describe must have come from God. - George Carlin

Whenever I'm asked "What if you're wrong?", I always show the asker this video: http://youtu.be/iClejS8vWjo Screw Pascal's wager.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Efrx86's post
01-08-2011, 11:08 AM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
(28-07-2011 11:33 AM)digitali Wrote:  Stranger:*knock,knock*
Me:"Who's there"
Stranger:"Jesus"
Me:"Jesus who?"
Stranger:"Jesus Christ you damn idiot.How many guys you know with 'Jesus' as there first name, now open the damn door so I can slap you!"
Whoever wrote this joke obviously doesn't have any Hispanics living in his neighborhood.

The information in ancient libraries came from real minds of real people. The far more complex information in cells came from the far more intelligent mind of God.
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like theophilus's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: