Does anyone got any jokes?
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20-08-2011, 10:40 PM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Christian. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Christians too. Not really knowing why, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Suzy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not a Christian." "Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a proud atheist," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Suzy why she is a atheist."Well, my mom and dad are atheists, so I'm a atheist too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," Suzy says "I'd be a Christian."

Why would a God create people so imperfect then blame them for there own imperfections.
Then send his own son to be judged, tortured, and killed by the very same imperfect people.
In order to make up for how imperfect we are?
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21-08-2011, 09:40 AM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
The Wailing Wall A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks
the old man looks at her sadly and says "Like i'm talking to a wall"

Why would a God create people so imperfect then blame them for there own imperfections.
Then send his own son to be judged, tortured, and killed by the very same imperfect people.
In order to make up for how imperfect we are?
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21-08-2011, 11:14 AM (This post was last modified: 21-08-2011 11:19 AM by FSM_scot.)
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
   
A Jewish man asks, “Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity.”
“I don’t know,” answered the Rabbi. “Come back tomorrow, and I’ll ask advice from God.”
The man comes back the next day.
“I can’t help you,” says the Rabbi. “God told me he has the same problem.”
Christianity: the belief that a 2,000-year old Jewish zombie will get angry if you masturbate.

Behold the power of the force!
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23-08-2011, 04:07 PM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
An atheist, a Bahá’i and a Mormon finish eating a meal at a restaurant. As they’re getting ready to go, they see a mother playing with her newborn baby. The proud mother sees the three of them smiling and says, “Hey you guys! Care to hold my son?”

The Mormon frowns and says, “I’d love to, but unfortunately, I hurt my arm doing missionary work overseas.”

“Aww, that’s too bad,” says the mother. She turns to the Bahá’i and asks her the same thing.

“I’d love to,” says the Bahá’i. “But unfortunately, I have to use this crutch for my broken leg. I was attending a religious meeting in Egypt, and it got pretty rough after the authorities broke it up.”

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” says the mother. She turns to the atheist and asks, “Would you like to see my baby?”

“No thank you,” says the atheist. “I’m not hungry.”

The God excuse: the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument. "God did it." Anything we can't describe must have come from God. - George Carlin

Whenever I'm asked "What if you're wrong?", I always show the asker this video: http://youtu.be/iClejS8vWjo Screw Pascal's wager.
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23-08-2011, 10:56 PM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
A preacher returns home after a long day to see his wife making dinner. The preacher says "Mmm...that ham smells delicious!" His wife replies "Thanks, this Dam-ham is turning out great." The preacher was shocked. "Honey" said the preacher, "Why the use of such profanity?" "No no" said the wife, "That's the brand name, it's Dam-ham."

The preacher, his wife, and their son all sit down for dinner. The preacher turns to his son and goes "Son, pass me the Dam-ham." The son replies "That's the spirit, dad! Now pass me the fucking potatoes."

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one
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24-08-2011, 04:23 AM (This post was last modified: 26-08-2011 09:01 PM by Hughsie.)
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
You don't have to be good at anagrams to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.


So The Pope has been knocked over at Christmas mass by a woman who is said to be mentally unstable.
That's a bit rich coming from a fucker who would have us believe there's an invisible man in the sky who created the earth in 7 days.


A Priest is fishing with his mate and catches something.
"That's a huge fucker you've got there father," says the friend.
"Watch your language around a man of God," replies the Priest.
A little embarrassed, the friend lies and tells the Priest that the species of fish is called a "fucker".
The Priest takes home the fish and talks to the Bishop and explains about catching the "fucker".
"I'll clean the fucker and we can have it for dinner tonight when the Pope comes round."
So he cleans it and then shows it to the Cardinal, who says he'll cook the "fucker" for the Pope tonight.
The Pope comes round for dinner and comments on the lovely fish and, eager to please, the Priest exclaims, "I caught the fucker!"
The Bishop cries, "I cleaned the fucker!"
And the Cardinal continues, "I cooked the fucker!"
The Pope takes a moments thought, looks around the table at them and says, "You know, you cunts are alright."



A Catholic bishop went to Rome and was determined to meet the Pope.
He went to St Peter's square and stood at the front of the crowd. He was fortunate enough to see the Pope leaving the Basilica so he tried to attract his attention. The Pope however, stopped just short of him and spoke quietly to a dishevelled and disgusting old tramp before moving on, ignoring the bishop.
Now the bishop thought that the Pope must be a good and caring man who would go out of his way for the poor and down trodden. So the bishop asked the tramp to sell him his rags which he wore the next day in St Peter's square. The bishop was fortunate enough to see the Pope again and this time the Pope put his arm round the bishop's shoulder and said
"Didn't I tell you to fuck off yesterday!"


The Pope says young people should resist the temptation of money.
Coming from a man who lives in a golden palace.



On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a France rugby shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing England shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Frog from the water. Then, using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the French and the English, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his pals, "who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?"



All from sickipedia.

Best and worst of Ferdinand .....
Best
Ferdinand: We don't really say 'theist' in Alabama. Here, you're either a Christian, or you're from Afghanistan and we fucking hate you.
Worst
Ferdinand: Everyone from British is so, like, fucking retarded.
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13-09-2011, 09:32 AM
 
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
You have to admit: the gods really screwed up with their ‘intelligent’ design!

That reminds me: The gods are talking about designing the human body. When they come to the topic of procreation, they kick some ideas around, none of them good enough. Finally one of the gods suggests the process we are familiar with. The other gods ponder it for a while and then finally agree: yes, it would work … except … how can they stop laughing long enough to …?
Big Grin
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03-10-2011, 04:09 PM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
Jesus joins the line-up for the 100m freestyle swimming event. As he's adjusting his Speedos, a fellow competitor asks, "Hey Jesus, what style will you be using? Butterfly? Breast-stroke?"

"Nah, none of those," replies Jesus, "I'll be sprinting."    

Behold the power of the force!
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06-10-2011, 02:45 AM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
I don't know where to put a funny picture, so this seems like a good place. The picture is taken somewhere in Croatia, I don't know anyone on it, but the cop is familiar, he probably gave me a ticket sometime in life.

[Image: 1582230046.jpg]

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I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.
-Hunter S. Thompson
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06-10-2011, 05:21 PM
RE: Does anyone got any jokes?
(06-10-2011 02:45 AM)Filox Wrote:  I don't know where to put a funny picture, so this seems like a good place. The picture is taken somewhere in Croatia, I don't know anyone on it, but the cop is familiar, he probably gave me a ticket sometime in life.

[Image: 1582230046.jpg]

And that's funny because . . . ?

Religious disputes are like arguments in a madhouse over which inmate really is Napoleon.
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