Door-to-door Faith-pusher
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08-11-2013, 04:58 PM
Door-to-door Faith-pusher
*Doorbell rings

"Hello! My name is John, I just wanted to tell you that my wife is beautiful and my kids are smart."
"Oh, okay...I am glad you think so."
"I don't think so, I know."
"Okay..."
"Don't you think my wife is beautiful and my kids are smart?"
"Well,...I've never met them..."
"Believe me. I have a personal relationship with my wife and kids and I know that my wife is beautiful and my kids are smart."
"...Okay,...well,...I am glad you think she is beautiful and your kids are smart...I think my wife is beautiful and my kids are smart, too."
"But you are deceived! Your wife is not beautiful and your kids are not smart!"
"Hey!"
"What?"
"How dare you say my wife is not beautiful and my kids are not smart?!?!?"
"I dare because I know in my heart that you are wrong and I am right. And if you don't believe my wife is beautiful and my kids are smart, you are being offensive! You are not respecting my very strongly held beliefs and you need to stop being so rude!"
"Look! You walk up to my door, insult my wife and kids..."
"Yes, and I tell you the good news that my wife is beautiful and my kids are smart, and you say that I am wrong! That's rude and insulting! How can someone like you who believes in nothing think it is okay to go around and insult people!"
"BUT I BELIEVE MY WIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND MY KIDS ARE SMART!"
"Yes, but like I said before, you are deceived in this. You need to give up this baseless belief and know in your heart that my wife is beautiful and my kids are smart, and that your wife is a cow and your kids are idiots. Otherwise you are believing a lie and being very insulting as well to my personal beliefs."
*SLAM

*Doorbell rings
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08-11-2013, 09:17 PM
RE: Door-to-door Faith-pusher
I cant help thinking if his Wife is beautiful and the kids are not, then he must be on the basis of the religion contradicting DNA process a very ugly man.

Theism is to believe what other people claim, Atheism is to ask "why should I".
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09-11-2013, 08:38 AM
RE: Door-to-door Faith-pusher
I am reminded of:

Kissing Hank's Butt

Author Unknown.

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I
found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's butt with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why
would I want to kiss His butt?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's butt, He'll give you a million dollars; and
if you don't, He'll kick the snot out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town.
Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is
to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His butt."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the butt?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's butt with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's butt often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the
money, and He kicks the snot out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's butt, left town, and got
the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's butt for years. She left town last
year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if
you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll
get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a
twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And
remember, if you don't kiss Hank's butt He'll kick the snot out of
you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details
straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His butt?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His butt. Other
times we kiss Karl's butt, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a
Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His butt, and that Hank would
reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining
the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."


From the Desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's butt and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the snot out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's butt or He'll kick the snot out of you.


Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist kicks the snot out of people just because they're
different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides,
item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and
item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone
knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with
item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just
plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2.
As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for
sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made
of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from
out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon
was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not
knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we
know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the
list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated
it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than
saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come
around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else
is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of
any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it
would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La
la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I
wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the snot out of you I'll
be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's butt for
you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

It may be that ministers really think that their prayers do good and it may be that frogs imagine that their croaking brings spring.
-- Robert Green Ingersoll
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09-11-2013, 09:28 AM
RE: Door-to-door Faith-pusher
(09-11-2013 08:38 AM)ingwe Wrote:  I am reminded of:

Kissing Hank's Butt

Author Unknown.

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I
found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's butt with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why
would I want to kiss His butt?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's butt, He'll give you a million dollars; and
if you don't, He'll kick the snot out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town.
Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is
to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His butt."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the butt?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's butt with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's butt often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the
money, and He kicks the snot out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's butt, left town, and got
the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's butt for years. She left town last
year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if
you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll
get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a
twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And
remember, if you don't kiss Hank's butt He'll kick the snot out of
you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details
straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His butt?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His butt. Other
times we kiss Karl's butt, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a
Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His butt, and that Hank would
reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining
the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."


From the Desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's butt and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the snot out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's butt or He'll kick the snot out of you.


Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist kicks the snot out of people just because they're
different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides,
item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and
item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone
knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with
item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just
plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2.
As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for
sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made
of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from
out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon
was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not
knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we
know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the
list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated
it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than
saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come
around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else
is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of
any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it
would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La
la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I
wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the snot out of you I'll
be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's butt for
you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

I dunno....I kinda like Hank!! Now Karl, on the other hand.....EEEeeeeewwwww!

"People don't go to heaven when they die; they're taken to a special room and burned!" Evil_monster
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