Down the Rabbit Hole
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07-03-2016, 12:27 PM
Down the Rabbit Hole
I don't exactly know how to start, where to begin. I thought that maybe I should start in chronological order, but the beginning makes me uncomfortable and there are a lot of major factors that I would like to keep quiet, however I will be as honest as I am willing to be.

Ever since I was a little child, I had felt different. I felt broken, like all the gears weren't exactly in the right place. I've felt disconnected from everybody because I have been taught through experience not to trust people. My parents gave me up, and the people they gave me to also gave me up, until I went back to my grandmother, who put me in the orphanage, promising me that she would return. I still remember that memory quite vividly, and at the orphanage I kept replaying it in my head. Its not like the children didn't understand why they were there. We knew why. Some of us lied to ourselves, but the majority of us understood that one way or another, we were essentially the island of lost toys, waiting desperately for someone to see something in us and choose us.

I had been picked out three times, and two of those three times ended up with them being dissatisfied with me. No one knows the power of feeling appreciated, of being chosen, than the under-appreciated and the glanced over. The procedure if you were chosen is that they spend a total of three visits "vetting" you. If you make it past the three mandatory visits, you can take the child into your family. When my current parents came, they visited me two times. After the second time, I felt like I would never see them again, like I would be abandoned again, and so I started crying and eventually the orphanage just told my parents to take me.

Because of that environment, I have felt immense gratitude to those who take the time to accept me, to choose me and so I tend to give of myself almost completely, because I feel like I owe them. I know, its hard to imagine that, but its true. I feel like I owe everyone who has become my friend, and I strive towards repaying the "debt." Part of it, I feel is the fact that I want to do everything so that they don't regret choosing me.

I've never felt normal when I came to America, I felt different, I acted differently, more cautious because of my experiences at the orphanage and at the hands of some of their workers, and because of that other people looked at me strangely, grew suspicious of me, isolated themselves from me and laughed about me behind my back. I didn't understand why they were laughing, but I had enough sense to know it was at my expense. This is how I have felt, and feel even now.

I did manage to gain friends, but they are very few and because I am grateful that they chose me, I endure the numerous times they have offended me. They made a play about me and this one girl whom I had a crush on, on my google account without telling me. In that play, I was a unimposing, drunk who was playing at being a knight and failing horribly at it. They didn't tell me about it when they created it, and when I found out because they told me eventually, I felt like it was a joke at my expense. I felt as if they were laughing at me, and the idea of me being with this one girl. They claimed it was a joke, and it might have been, but I couldn't help but think that it was just them taking shots.

My health has taken a real downturn. I collapsed Friday while I was home alone and I lost feeling in my entire body, and I seriously thought that I was going to die. While I was recovering in the hospital, I thought about how short of a time I have, and how unhappy I was with my life. I had been spending my life fixing and helping other people, but now I might not have much time left, and it seems that my friends don't fully understand that. However, because I feel like I owe them, if it came down to it, I would give up more of my time. However, I lashed out at my friends yesterday, and they argued with me and they said that I was the "maker of my own misery" and that they did nothing to disrespect me. They refused to admit that the concerns I felt were valid until they had metaphorically beat me down with insults and guilt trips and blaming me for their actions.

I'm tired everyday, the people I am trying to help aren't helping me back, and I might not have much time left if I don't turn my life around.

Welcome to Wonderland.

-Steven

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Credit goes to UndercoverAtheist.
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07-03-2016, 12:36 PM
RE: Down the Rabbit Hole
I hate feeling helpless. I wish I knew how to help things be better for you. I know you feel alone right now but I promise you that you arent. Sad
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07-03-2016, 01:01 PM
RE: Down the Rabbit Hole
Hugs, Bro. You've been through a crucible, and are learning living ain't for the weak. You may not feel it, but you are loved, and admired. Drinking Beverage

It was just a fucking apple man, we're sorry okay? Please stop the madness Laugh out load
~Izel
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07-03-2016, 01:23 PM (This post was last modified: 07-03-2016 01:32 PM by kim.)
RE: Down the Rabbit Hole
...
Quote:My health has taken a real downturn. I collapsed Friday while I was home alone and I lost feeling in my entire body, and I seriously thought that I was going to die. While I was recovering in the hospital...

What is going on with your health? What did the doctors say is going on with you?

There is one thing you are doing that you are able to change for the better. It seems the people you have referred to as "friends", are NOT.

Walking away from them and their drama, will help you take charge.

Again, what the actual fuck is going on with your health!? Heart

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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07-03-2016, 01:30 PM
RE: Down the Rabbit Hole
That sounds very rough Steven. I don't know what to say as I don't know you that well. From what I do know you seem like a super cool guy. So perhaps you need to remember that you owe yourself happiness too.

*Big bro-hug*
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07-03-2016, 01:30 PM
RE: Down the Rabbit Hole
It must be bloody awful to spend a childhood feeling rejected by family, hoping to be picked for another family and the feeling rejection again when you aren't chosen. I can see that it may cause relationship issues in later life.

From what I know of you through your posts here, you are an intelligent good guy. You must get over feeling debt to friends, you already realise this I think. The only thing owed to any friend is honesty, willingness to help and of course friendship. People who do things behind your back are not really friends and it sounds like some may be using you and abusing your friendship. People don't 'regret' choosing friends, just drift apart over time as interests change. So you should try and stop worrying about that.
I have a couple of true friends, people who are as welcome in my house as they are in their own, as I am in theirs. People who would give my their last penny if I needed it more than they did. There are many other friends of course but none who do not meet the criteria of honesty, willingness to help, etc.. This is where you want to get yourself. There folk are out there, just be yourself and they will find you.
Also remember that we have your back. There are many good folk on here who are willing to take the trouble to comfort you and offer sound advice.

Probably this is not helpful to you, I hope it is.
Best wishes from a fellow Steven.

What do you mean Life is short. It's the longest thing you're going to do.
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07-03-2016, 01:37 PM
RE: Down the Rabbit Hole
Steven,

You know how I feel about you. Heart


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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07-03-2016, 02:36 PM
RE: Down the Rabbit Hole
What did the doctors say?

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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07-03-2016, 02:43 PM
RE: Down the Rabbit Hole
I'm always here if you need to talk. Hug

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07-03-2016, 02:51 PM
RE: Down the Rabbit Hole
(07-03-2016 12:27 PM)Atothetheist Wrote:  However, I lashed out at my friends yesterday, and they argued with me and they said that I was the "maker of my own misery" and that they did nothing to disrespect me.

I also am the maker of my own misery. I also am the maker of my own joy. You got a witch doctor or shaman or headshrink? They help me.

#sigh
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