Dueling with drink?
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25-08-2017, 10:27 PM
RE: Dueling with drink?
Hey... ...

....

I'm not doing well. Sadcryface

When I get on these particularly strenuous sprees, I try to set a date so that I can quit, which I set for tomorrow.

I wrote a lot more, then realized it was all meaningless drivel. There are no words to describe what it feels like to have a monkey weigh your back down, until you can breathe freely enough to talk about the thing in the first place. You just feel so tired, and utterly defeated.

Almost wrote more meaningless drivel. When you've drank, and you start writing... everything sounds grandiose, lofty, meaningful. Right now it's just more clear than usual that I have no valuable insight to offer while under the influence, barring the delusions of grandeur and philosophy that may come from someone who is noticeably drunk.

And even if I do write something that may be perceived as meaningful or insightful while drunk, I just feel lately like it was cheapened by my drunkenness.

I need to sleep. Just wanted to give an honest update of my situation I guess. It's not good, but I'm hoping that things will go better starting tomorrow. I feel like there's some key to sobriety that I'm flailing at in the dark, just blindly. People grab it in different places, 'cuz we're all playing just a slightly different rendition of the same game.

Not saying it will work for you, but when I find my key in the dark, I'll definitely tell you how and where I found it, though. For some of us, it might be around the same place.

Right now, I kinda feel like the key I'm grabbing at is like the Golden Snitch from Harry Potter. Laugh out load

When you find it, you essentially win the game, though. Tongue

Anyways, I have a lot of catching up to do tomorrow. I'll talk to y'all as soon as I can.

~ The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you ~
-Neil Degrasse Tyson
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26-08-2017, 03:37 AM (This post was last modified: 26-08-2017 03:41 AM by Dworkin.)
RE: Dueling with drink?
Cosmo,

Totally understand your post above. I too have a hangover today, from wine and a glass of vodka.

I'm still holding to the view that we can cut down, without going AA. It would be interesting to see your diary and how many clear days there are. I have a little year planner in my wallet and put a simple star next to each day without alcohol. Will tally it up after a month or two and see the progress.

Your comment about getting 'grandiose' after a drink is true IMO. With me, everything gets clearer and I plan motorcycle rides for the next day, which sometimes happen. I have a breathalyser kit to use before riding just to be sure.

Might be time for another 7 day detox, which is something that I can achieve, so lets go for it!

D.

PS - The real issue doesn't seem to be sipping a little booze in the late evening, but the times when we do more. Its a kind of letting go, but not in a good way.

PPS - My star system isn't including the sessions. Will have to rethink that. Maybe a star when I have a clear day and a square when I have a session?
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26-08-2017, 04:07 AM
RE: Dueling with drink?
Cosmo and Dworkin, my thoughts are with you as brothers in adversity. Heart I cannot cut down or drink socially it just doesn't work for me. I've got my two sons coming over to stay for the weekend of my 50th birthday in a couple of weeks so I'm determined to get straight and sober by then, nothing will stop that from happening success is for once guaranteed which is interesting as I think it just goes to prove how powerful the psychological component of excessive alcohol use really is. What I need now is a plan to harness this positivity and extend it beyond my sons visit.
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26-08-2017, 12:04 PM
RE: Dueling with drink?
(25-08-2017 10:27 PM)Cosmo Wrote:  Hey... ...

....

I'm not doing well. Sadcryface

When I get on these particularly strenuous sprees, I try to set a date so that I can quit, which I set for tomorrow.

I wrote a lot more, then realized it was all meaningless drivel. There are no words to describe what it feels like to have a monkey weigh your back down, until you can breathe freely enough to talk about the thing in the first place. You just feel so tired, and utterly defeated.

Almost wrote more meaningless drivel. When you've drank, and you start writing... everything sounds grandiose, lofty, meaningful. Right now it's just more clear than usual that I have no valuable insight to offer while under the influence, barring the delusions of grandeur and philosophy that may come from someone who is noticeably drunk.

And even if I do write something that may be perceived as meaningful or insightful while drunk, I just feel lately like it was cheapened by my drunkenness.

I need to sleep. Just wanted to give an honest update of my situation I guess. It's not good, but I'm hoping that things will go better starting tomorrow. I feel like there's some key to sobriety that I'm flailing at in the dark, just blindly. People grab it in different places, 'cuz we're all playing just a slightly different rendition of the same game.

Not saying it will work for you, but when I find my key in the dark, I'll definitely tell you how and where I found it, though. For some of us, it might be around the same place.

Right now, I kinda feel like the key I'm grabbing at is like the Golden Snitch from Harry Potter. Laugh out load

When you find it, you essentially win the game, though. Tongue

Anyways, I have a lot of catching up to do tomorrow. I'll talk to y'all as soon as I can.

Like you I'm not completely sure where to find that key and it will most likely be much like you explained and not fit every lock. I've long since past the hurdle of alcoholism but I do understand completely where you are coming from. I do know the first step is being honest and you have done just that.
Holding myself accountable for my actions and trying to understand what triggers those actions was the key for me. It also helped that I had a really great family support system. When I told my daughter (who was 6 at the time) what I had done and I needed her help to hold me accountable, that was a sobering time in my life. When I had to ask my own child to help hold me accountable I don't think I've ever felt worse and ashamed of myself than that day.
One day at a time was my goal. Then it stretched into one week and so on. Eventually I got to where I never thought about it anymore. My hope is you can find the key that will fit the lock that you seek.

I get to decide what my life looks like, not the other way around.
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26-08-2017, 12:15 PM (This post was last modified: 26-08-2017 12:21 PM by unsapien.)
RE: Dueling with drink?
(25-08-2017 10:27 PM)Cosmo Wrote:  I wrote a lot more, then realized it was all meaningless drivel. There are no words to describe what it feels like to have a monkey weigh your back down, until you can breathe freely enough to talk about the thing in the first place. You just feel so tired, and utterly defeated.

I feel like there's some key to sobriety that I'm flailing at in the dark, just blindly. People grab it in different places, 'cuz we're all playing just a slightly different rendition of the same game.

Not saying it will work for you, but when I find my key in the dark, I'll definitely tell you how and where I found it, though. For some of us, it might be around the same place.

You don't have to describe the monkey to us...those of us here, we've all met him. I can't count the times I've dragged my ass out of bed after a night of drinking and told myself "I've got to stop this, I'm tired of being tired." But by the end of the work day the craving came back.

Just don't beat yourself up too much, I think you're in a tougher spot to stop drinking right now then me. You're in a house with others that are drinking, so you're under constant temptation, not to mention your current work issue with the alcohol review.

I'm the only person that drinks in my house, if I don't buy it, it's not in the house, and quite frankly I've temporarily limited my contact with people where drinking is likely to happen until I think I can deal with it.

(26-08-2017 04:07 AM)adey67 Wrote:  Cosmo and Dworkin, my thoughts are with you as brothers in adversity. Heart I cannot cut down or drink socially it just doesn't work for me. I've got my two sons coming over to stay for the weekend of my 50th birthday in a couple of weeks so I'm determined to get straight and sober by then, nothing will stop that from happening success is for once guaranteed which is interesting as I think it just goes to prove how powerful the psychological component of excessive alcohol use really is. What I need now is a plan to harness this positivity and extend it beyond my sons visit.

My thoughts are with you all as well. Cut down as much you can, like Adey I doubt I will ever be able to drink socially again.

There is still a voice in my head that tells me that I could handle one drink, that I have proven with I my dry streak that I can control myself. It's an evil voice, and I know it's lying.

The coping plans I'm working on are to keep busy, right now week days are pretty easy to get through, but during the week I plan my weekends, and I try to fill them with tons of stuff to do. Mostly involving cooking things I've never made before to keep both my mind & hands busy.

EDIT: The other coping plan I have is that when I start getting that craving I start re-reading this thread from the beginning until the craving goes away, I think I've done that about 3 times so far...

My long-term goal/reward that will help...my wife has agreed to let me get a motorcycle again if I can make it a year,so I've begun saving up my "allowance" already, I hope to have $3000 saved by this time next year, just for something small & used.

A friend in the hole

"If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are." - Captain Picard
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26-08-2017, 01:40 PM
RE: Dueling with drink?
(25-08-2017 10:27 PM)Cosmo Wrote:  Almost wrote more meaningless drivel. When you've drank, and you start writing... everything sounds grandiose, lofty, meaningful.

Others mentioned it as well- many of us totally understand. I've hit "post reply" many a times then woke up the next morning thinking: that thing I was thinking about last night...I didn't...actually post that...? Aw fuck.
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26-08-2017, 02:17 PM
RE: Dueling with drink?
(26-08-2017 01:40 PM)jerry mcmasters Wrote:  
(25-08-2017 10:27 PM)Cosmo Wrote:  Almost wrote more meaningless drivel. When you've drank, and you start writing... everything sounds grandiose, lofty, meaningful.

Others mentioned it as well- many of us totally understand. I've hit "post reply" many a times then woke up the next morning thinking: that thing I was thinking about last night...I didn't...actually post that...? Aw fuck.

Lol...I know that feeling all too well. When I had a Facebook account I would wake up the next morning and look at what I posted the night before and delete it but by then the damage was done. Some of the things that I posted I couldn't believe I did it but... I did. The trouble with doing something like that is once you hit that reply / post button you can never take it back. I had a lot of people that I had to apologize to. Some have forgiven me and some have not. I can't blame those that haven't.
I used to tell my wife that I was sorry about whatever I said the night before because I was drunk. There is only so many times that I could use that excuse before it wears thin.

My hope will always be with those that are struggling with this issue. I've always heard that alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

I get to decide what my life looks like, not the other way around.
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26-08-2017, 02:51 PM
RE: Dueling with drink?
(26-08-2017 12:04 PM)RearViewMirror Wrote:  Holding myself accountable for my actions and trying to understand what triggers those actions was the key for me. It also helped that I had a really great family support system. When I told my daughter (who was 6 at the time) what I had done and I needed her help to hold me accountable, that was a sobering time in my life. When I had to ask my own child to help hold me accountable I don't think I've ever felt worse and ashamed of myself than that day.

RVM,

A child is a great help in adversity, and they understand and forgive much more than we think IMHO. When my daughter came along it started a 7 year dry period. Just had to be done. Now, as an adult, she knows my flaws and has never had a hard word for me about anything.

I'm sure your daughter loves you just the same. Smile

D.
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26-08-2017, 03:17 PM
RE: Dueling with drink?
(26-08-2017 02:51 PM)Dworkin Wrote:  RVM,

A child is a great help in adversity, and they understand and forgive much more than we think IMHO. When my daughter came along it started a 7 year dry period. Just had to be done. Now, as an adult, she knows my flaws and has never had a hard word for me about anything.

I'm sure your daughter loves you just the same. Smile

D.

I totally agree Smile

I get to decide what my life looks like, not the other way around.
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28-08-2017, 02:46 AM
RE: Dueling with drink?
Folks,

OK, these are the numbers.

In the last 28 days, 14 have been dry. The 14 drinking days were not benders, just three hangovers in that time.

Its pretty much the long term pattern, but still a lot for my 70 year old liver to handle, considering that its processing prescribed meds as well. Maybe time for blood tests at the docs again?

Anyone else have their numbers?

D.
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