Dying grandmother
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24-02-2015, 08:58 AM
Dying grandmother
My step mom's mother is 97 and has fallen on bad health after a fall in December. She never fully got better, and the doctors figured she might be down to her last three months, or so. She moved in with my parents, and they got a hospital bed and oxygen set up there from hospice to help with things.

I went over to visit on Sunday. She was still lucid, although I could hear that she really struggles to talk, now. She had another fall on Saturday that didn't seem too bad, but as of yesterday, that guess of "several months" has dropped down to "end of the week, maybe through the weekend".

Assuming it works out for my parents, I'm going to visit her again right after work today. The finality of this hasn't really hit me, yet. I'm mostly approaching it now from a standpoint of "I'd like to see her at least one more time", but time is really uncertain at this point. She and I were never very close, but she will be the closest person to me that has died so far in my life. I have no idea how I'll actually take it at this point.

While I'm planning on going, my step mom has asked me not to bring the girls over (six and three years old). She doesn't want them to remember her how she is now, and neither will really get much out of the visit. My grandmother is pretty hard of hearing now, and she probably wouldn't understand anything the girls said to her. It's weird for me to think that they won't see her again.

I guess I'm mostly just posting this to talk. It's not like I'm coming here for prayers or anything (obviously), but the talking seems to help. I've been thinking about her most of the time since yesterday when I heard she likely won't make it through the week. My wife has been patiently letting me just talk as needed.
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24-02-2015, 09:10 AM
RE: Dying grandmother
I remember when my grandma died 20 years ago. She fell in her apartment and broke her neck, she spent her last few days in a nursing home under care. I went to see her and could see she was happy to see me, I was glad I did that. That's about all you can do, maybe make them smile.

Gods derive their power from post-hoc rationalizations. -The Inquisition

Using the supernatural to explain events in your life is a failure of the intellect to comprehend the world around you. -The Inquisition
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24-02-2015, 09:33 AM
RE: Dying grandmother
TI has it right. Showing up shows that you care. It's the human thing to do.

Hugs...

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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24-02-2015, 11:48 AM
RE: Dying grandmother
(24-02-2015 08:58 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  I have no idea how I'll actually take it at this point.

And that is a very positive thing - because you never really know how you feel until it has happened. Hope you're all right.
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25-02-2015, 06:22 AM
RE: Dying grandmother
Thanks, everyone.

I went over again last night. I am glad I went on Sunday, because that was the last day where she was conscious and verbally responding. She's been on morphine since yesterday, so she was pretty in and out of it, not responding much. Toward the end of the night, she would say single words. Most of the night was spent talking with family and trying to keep my grandmother comfortable.

It was nice that when I said good night, she acknowledged me. I'm not sure how well she could hear with her hearing aids out, but at least she seemed to understand that I was leaving. Also, she seems to like holding hands right now.
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25-02-2015, 08:34 AM
RE: Dying grandmother
Well, I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. I lost mine some years ago and I miss the old times. She would make the best plate of pasta I ever had, and although it might seem like a not very important or superficial memory, I hold it dear.

Also, remember that when she goes, if you don't do the expected "cry and sob", it doesn't mean you are not a sensitive person or something of that sort, people behave and react differently. I just wanted to share that.

Take care.

孤独 - The Out Crowd
Life is a flash of light between two eternities of darkness.
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25-02-2015, 10:30 AM
RE: Dying grandmother
Well, my step mom just called to tell me that her mother just passed away.

It's really odd, but the best way I can describe how I feel is probably "relief". It's almost entirely a positive feeling right now, which I can say is somewhat unexpected. I'm not sure if it's a matter of me processing it right now, but I think it's a lot that I can tell she went so downhill so fast that it's nice that she's no longer suffering, and I'm also immensely glad I went over last night for about three hours and got a good, proper goodbye before I left. Had I not gone over last night, I think there would be a pretty strong feeling of regret tainting this whole thing.

So, once I get everything settled at my own house tonight (I left my wife with the kids last night, and I don't want to bail on her a second night back to back), I told my step mom I'd call her. I'm not sure if she'll want me over there or want to be left on her own.
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25-02-2015, 10:57 AM
RE: Dying grandmother
Quote:It's really odd, but the best way I can describe how I feel is probably "relief".


Sorry for your loss, RP but that is a common reaction. Intellectually you knew that it was not going to end with a miracle cure. This is her release from an existence which must have been pretty rotten for her at the end.

I'm frequently amazed/appalled by humanity. We wouldn't put a dog through what we insist upon for the elderly.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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25-02-2015, 11:14 AM
RE: Dying grandmother
(25-02-2015 10:30 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Well, my step mom just called to tell me that her mother just passed away.

It's really odd, but the best way I can describe how I feel is probably "relief". It's almost entirely a positive feeling right now, which I can say is somewhat unexpected. I'm not sure if it's a matter of me processing it right now, but I think it's a lot that I can tell she went so downhill so fast that it's nice that she's no longer suffering, and I'm also immensely glad I went over last night for about three hours and got a good, proper goodbye before I left. Had I not gone over last night, I think there would be a pretty strong feeling of regret tainting this whole thing.

So, once I get everything settled at my own house tonight (I left my wife with the kids last night, and I don't want to bail on her a second night back to back), I told my step mom I'd call her. I'm not sure if she'll want me over there or want to be left on her own.

It's not odd, Robby. I was present when my mother died and I know that one of the several feelings I had was relief. I urge you to accept your feelings as honest and honorable.

I miss my mother but I am relieved that she no longer has the burden of struggling to exist beyond what her body and mind could sustain.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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25-02-2015, 06:20 PM
RE: Dying grandmother
I am sorry for your family's loss but glad that you went to visit her.

Hugs.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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