Enough is enough
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18-11-2013, 07:26 PM
Enough is enough
Ok so I got a letter from my mother today. Inside it was also a letter from my ex-husband. She's already given him my phone number so I guess I should just be glad that she didn't give him my address too. I have so many "missed" calls every day it's ridiculous. I have just stopped answering my phone when my parents or my ex call. Which is a lot.
The letters were long but I will include the parts that bother/hurt me the most. I really love my mom and I really believe that she loves me too, but she doesn't see how much she hurts me sometimes.

Ex
Quote:I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things, but I truly tried my best to be a good husband to you. I feel like I have gotten closer to God since you left, and when you're ready to come home I am confident that I'm ready to be the kind of husband that He wants me to be. Te quiero chiquita, ya no me castiguéis más ok.

We didn't see eye to eye? He tried to beat me into being the perfect little housewife that he wanted me to be. My last pregnancy was a result of him raping me and that certainly wasn't the first time he'd raped me. I lost a pregnancy at five months just a month before I got pregnant with my youngest and he blamed me for the death of our baby. Him being closer to God doesn't exactly make me feel any safer. Why on earth would he think I'm punishing him? I ran away (800 miles away) because I am afraid of him. I just want to be left in peace. I don't think I can take this anymore.

Mother
Quote:I understand it is hard baby, and I don't want you to think I think the abuse is okay. Praise God that your father has never abused me. You have to have faith, Stephanie, and know that God will never give you anything you cannot handle. I need you to trust in the Lord that he knows what is best for you. We may not understand why He chose to allow (ex-husband) to treat you the way he did, but we must know that honoring and obeying our husband is honoring and obeying the Lord. The reward will be great. Do you really think your comfort here is worth eternal damnation? Be strong baby girl, and come home to your husband. You must do what we all know is right.

I have no words for this. How could my mother say this to me? I am tempted to move and change my phone number (again) and never speak to any of them again. I don't know how to deal with this. When is it okay to let go and tell my mother every gruesome detail of my marriage? When is it okay to tell her that if she truly believes that was all a part of god's plan for my life then she is a terrible mother? Can you just quit your family? I am so tired, enough is enough.
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18-11-2013, 07:33 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Yes, you can quit your family. I quit my mother, abusive bitch that she has always been. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. Anyone that tells you that you should return to an abusive situation is being abusive themselves.

Tell them goodbye, tell them why, and then hold firm to your boundaries.

Good luck, it's not easy, but it sounds like what you need to do.

Hugs. A

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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18-11-2013, 07:42 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Your post brought me to tears. I'm so sorry Hug I can't imagine what you are going through. Yes, you can quit your family. Anyone who says these things to you, and makes you feel this way deserves no place in your life, no matter what your relationship with them is.

You have the right to fill your life with as much joy, love, and understanding as possible. Good for you for not letting your ex take that from you. So proud you were able to leave.

If you can't have a real conversation with your mom about this (which seems HIGHLY unlikely) cut her off. The fact that she chooses a religious belief that harms you over he happiness of her child is a major red flag. Just giving out your number to this monster is crossing a major line. She obviously knows he treated you poorly, that should enough.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

You can make it through this, I believe in you!!

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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18-11-2013, 08:11 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Oh I have no words. Even some of the most religious people,I know would applaud you leaving him and your mother so very brainwashed that she tells you to return to being abused?

Change your phone number and don't look back.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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18-11-2013, 08:21 PM (This post was last modified: 18-11-2013 08:29 PM by Hobbitgirl.)
RE: Enough is enough
I can understand where you are coming from.

Be proud you were strong enough to leave, it takes more courage then many realize. Do not let your "mother" take that away from you.

You just need to take that courage and apply it to your mother now, because what she is doing....I'd call abusive as well.

You cannot choose who your biological family is, but you can certainly choose to surround yourself with people who are worthy to be in your life.
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18-11-2013, 08:25 PM (This post was last modified: 18-11-2013 08:35 PM by sporehux.)
RE: Enough is enough
Book your mother into to see a domestic abuse councilor, make out its part of a reconciliation attempt if you have too, or pretend its you and her visiting.
Go with her if its not too awkward, for her to hear your story spoken to a stranger will be a reality slap in the face. Abuse councilors are not just for the victim and perpetrator.

Family members don't always mean to be "unbelievable ignorant" of domestic violence, so they need to hear what "it" actually is from an expert.

After living through the hell of an abusive father environment, My greatest fear is that you default back to a relationship out of convenience and "whats best for the children" delusion.
And things might well be great while a family member is hovering around as a witness shield.
then later on, your in a shallow grave with us wondering why your ignoring PM's

Looking around for some facts on Recidivism rates in spouse abuse, its a minimum of 30% up to 60%
http://vrfca.org/initiatives/domestic-violence/

Please promise us you will not entertain a reconciliation, people that are proposing that you do, either need immediate counseling about what domestic violence and rape is, or disturbingly; they are intentionally taking a Muslim values approach to women's rights.

(if you ever need to talk, PM me, I'm old and a little wise, sole parent with young kids, have lived through observing and receiving crippling abuse and am in no way creepy perverted. (although if I was, I would probably deny it). )

Theism is to believe what other people claim, Atheism is to ask "why should I".
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18-11-2013, 08:43 PM
RE: Enough is enough
They'll have to answer to God you see, so no authority of this world can truly set them free. I'm sure it will be a problem forever, but you have transcended their congenital grasp to become an affable member of TTA forums. You've done a good job on the forum and with your 'family'. Also go and see an abuse professional.
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18-11-2013, 08:53 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Right in the feels.
I am so full of sympathy for you I might explode.
I think you are better off without them,and yes! You can say goodby to this so called family. I have cut off ties with my dad almost entirely because of emotional abuse. I see him about once a year. I mean, it's hard to leave family behind. He's my dad and it's not like he was a jerk 100% of the time.. But I'm better off in my life not having to deal with his drama. I imagine you're having conflicting feelings about it too. But like Smercury said, you deserve to have a life full of joy filled with people who truly want the best for you. Good luck. Hug
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18-11-2013, 08:56 PM
RE: Enough is enough
I agree that it is a cruel letter. Sadcryface2
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18-11-2013, 09:06 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Oh what the... I think this letter is the perfect time to tell your mother all that. Her cooperation with your abusive husband is insane to say the least.

You should consider, if at all, only giving her your mobile phone number and never anything else again... with blacklist apps you can ban her (and especially him) for all eternity if necessary. You won't have to hear their calls anymore even if they know your number.
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