Enough is enough
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18-11-2013, 09:11 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 08:25 PM)sporehux Wrote:  Book your mother into to see a domestic abuse councilor, make out its part of a reconciliation attempt if you have too, or pretend its you and her visiting.
Go with her if its not too awkward, for her to hear your story spoken to a stranger will be a reality slap in the face. Abuse councilors are not just for the victim and perpetrator.

Family members don't always mean to be "unbelievable ignorant" of domestic violence, so they need to hear what "it" actually is from an expert.

After living through the hell of an abusive father environment, My greatest fear is that you default back to a relationship out of convenience and "whats best for the children" delusion.
And things might well be great while a family member is hovering around as a witness shield.
then later on, your in a shallow grave with us wondering why your ignoring PM's

Looking around for some facts on Recidivism rates in spouse abuse, its a minimum of 30% up to 60%
http://vrfca.org/initiatives/domestic-violence/

Please promise us you will not entertain a reconciliation, people that are proposing that you do, either need immediate counseling about what domestic violence and rape is, or disturbingly; they are intentionally taking a Muslim values approach to women's rights.

(if you ever need to talk, PM me, I'm old and a little wise, sole parent with young kids, have lived through observing and receiving crippling abuse and am in no way creepy perverted. (although if I was, I would probably deny it). )

I have been in counseling myself for a long time now. I have a lot of issues left over. My mom lives far away though and I only have to put up with her harassment over the phone and through messages. I used feel like people who got mad at their pushy religious parents were mean. I mean she's my mom, so what if it hurts my feelings, she doesn't mean it to. But I just can't take it anymore. How can you love someone and send them back to that?

I used to (and still do sometimes) think, what if I was wrong? What if he really did love me in his own way? But you know what, it doesn't matter if he loved/loves me. Nothing that he wants/thinks/feels is relevant to my life anymore. I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying I never get that feeling like maybe I should just give in and go back to him, I do. But I promise I never will. I will not be responsible for raising my children in that environment. I would die if I ever had to look at one of my daughters and see them suffer because I taught them that it was what's right.
Thanks to everyone for your advice and kind words. It's going to be really hard, but I think I am just done entertaining the idea that I can save my relationship with my parents.
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18-11-2013, 09:14 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 08:43 PM)The_Thinking_Theist Wrote:  They'll have to answer to God you see, so no authority of this world can truly set them free. I'm sure it will be a problem forever, but you have transcended their congenital grasp to become an affable member of TTA forums. You've done a good job on the forum and with your 'family'. Also go and see an abuse professional.

I know you mean well TTT, but it was their "God" who allowed them to treat me this way. So if you can just leave God out of it for today, I would really appreciate it.
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18-11-2013, 09:17 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Don't buy into the idea that you 'weren't abused enough'. You should not go back into an abusive situation, not only for your own safety but you don't want your daughters to grow up thinking that kind of treatment is normal and okay.

Your mother is enabling your abuser...and that's just wrong.

The hardest and best thing I ever did was cut ties with my mother. Counseling and time have healed a lot of what that did to me. Both coming to the decision and learning to live with it. It's been nearly 10 years now and I can say I don't regret it.

Take care of you so you can take care of your kids.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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18-11-2013, 09:20 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Yes, most important thing to focus on is setting a good example for your girls.

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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18-11-2013, 09:22 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Too far away to hug you, so how about a care package from the land of OZ Smile , PM me an address and Ill send something Australiana for your kids .

Theism is to believe what other people claim, Atheism is to ask "why should I".
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18-11-2013, 09:27 PM
RE: Enough is enough
I'm so mad at your mom. In this decade today, she should really know better.
Hug


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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18-11-2013, 09:33 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 09:06 PM)Vipa Wrote:  Oh what the... I think this letter is the perfect time to tell your mother all that. Her cooperation with your abusive husband is insane to say the least.

You should consider, if at all, only giving her your mobile phone number and never anything else again... with blacklist apps you can ban her (and especially him) for all eternity if necessary. You won't have to hear their calls anymore even if they know your number.

Insane but somehow biblical.

Also biblical to banish them for all eternity.

(18-11-2013 07:26 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  ...
I don't know how to deal with this. When is it okay to let go and tell my mother every gruesome detail of my marriage? When is it okay to tell her that if she truly believes that was all a part of god's plan for my life then she is a terrible mother? Can you just quit your family? I am so tired, enough is enough.

How are you doing on the practical side? Do you have a settled environment now, in your new location?

To answer your question...
You are wrong when you say that you do not know how to deal with this. You are already dealing with this (inspiringly, I might add).

Now... would be a very good time to describe the details to your mother, in writing... dispassionately. And it would be a cathartic exercise even if you never post the letter to her.

If her reaction to your letter is still "all god's plan" bollocks, that would be the time to applaud her emulation of Jephthah and Abraham etc. and explain that she has become the perfect role model for mother-hood (in a negative sense).

Also, get some bubble-wrap and pound it until it's de-bubbled. Really good de-stressing technique.

Hug

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18-11-2013, 09:40 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 09:33 PM)DLJ Wrote:  Now... would be a very good time to describe the details to your mother, in writing... dispassionately. And it would be a cathartic exercise even if you never post the letter to her.

Hug

This is a good idea, but write two letters, one dispassionately and one with RAW emotion.
sit on them for a few days , re-read /rewrite and post what feels like the correct one.

Like DLJ says , even if you don't actually send a letter its an outlet .

Theism is to believe what other people claim, Atheism is to ask "why should I".
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18-11-2013, 09:42 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Your mom....its just sad....how can she say such things?? Just ignore them. Block her phone number,and move on. Hug

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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18-11-2013, 09:44 PM
RE: Enough is enough
I know I don't actually know you guys but it's nice to know I have people out there who actually care about me. :')
I don't know what I would do without you guys Hug

Swing with me a while, we can listen to the birds call, we can keep each other warm.
Swing with me forever, we can count up every flower, we can weather every storm.
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