Enough is enough
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18-11-2013, 11:12 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 07:26 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  Ok so I got a letter from my mother today. Inside it was also a letter from my ex-husband. She's already given him my phone number so I guess I should just be glad that she didn't give him my address too. I have so many "missed" calls every day it's ridiculous. I have just stopped answering my phone when my parents or my ex call. Which is a lot.
The letters were long but I will include the parts that bother/hurt me the most. I really love my mom and I really believe that she loves me too, but she doesn't see how much she hurts me sometimes.

Ex
Quote:I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things, but I truly tried my best to be a good husband to you. I feel like I have gotten closer to God since you left, and when you're ready to come home I am confident that I'm ready to be the kind of husband that He wants me to be. Te quiero chiquita, ya no me castiguéis más ok.

We didn't see eye to eye? He tried to beat me into being the perfect little housewife that he wanted me to be. My last pregnancy was a result of him raping me and that certainly wasn't the first time he'd raped me. I lost a pregnancy at five months just a month before I got pregnant with my youngest and he blamed me for the death of our baby. Him being closer to God doesn't exactly make me feel any safer. Why on earth would he think I'm punishing him? I ran away (800 miles away) because I am afraid of him. I just want to be left in peace. I don't think I can take this anymore.

Mother
Quote:I understand it is hard baby, and I don't want you to think I think the abuse is okay. Praise God that your father has never abused me. You have to have faith, Stephanie, and know that God will never give you anything you cannot handle. I need you to trust in the Lord that he knows what is best for you. We may not understand why He chose to allow (ex-husband) to treat you the way he did, but we must know that honoring and obeying our husband is honoring and obeying the Lord. The reward will be great. Do you really think your comfort here is worth eternal damnation? Be strong baby girl, and come home to your husband. You must do what we all know is right.

I have no words for this. How could my mother say this to me? I am tempted to move and change my phone number (again) and never speak to any of them again. I don't know how to deal with this. When is it okay to let go and tell my mother every gruesome detail of my marriage? When is it okay to tell her that if she truly believes that was all a part of god's plan for my life then she is a terrible mother? Can you just quit your family? I am so tired, enough is enough.

Neither you nor your kids should have to suffer through that abusive relationship again. It took tremendous courage to get away from that situation, and your mother is unfortunately cracking the door open and is feeding your ex husband's desire to get you back with you. What your mother is doing is dangerous. You should change your cell phone number no matter what. If your ex is savvy enough, he can use that information alone to track down where you live.

You asked, "When is it okay to let go and tell my mother every gruesome detail of my marriage?". If your mother does not know all that happened, maybe it is time you tell her. And in doing so, you tell her that that if she ever reveals your personal information again, you will have no choice but to no longer share that with her.
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18-11-2013, 11:22 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 07:26 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  Ok so I got a letter from my mother today. Inside it was also a letter from my ex-husband. She's already given him my phone number so I guess I should just be glad that she didn't give him my address too. I have so many "missed" calls every day it's ridiculous. I have just stopped answering my phone when my parents or my ex call. Which is a lot.
The letters were long but I will include the parts that bother/hurt me the most. I really love my mom and I really believe that she loves me too, but she doesn't see how much she hurts me sometimes.

Ex
Quote:I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things, but I truly tried my best to be a good husband to you. I feel like I have gotten closer to God since you left, and when you're ready to come home I am confident that I'm ready to be the kind of husband that He wants me to be. Te quiero chiquita, ya no me castiguéis más ok.

We didn't see eye to eye? He tried to beat me into being the perfect little housewife that he wanted me to be. My last pregnancy was a result of him raping me and that certainly wasn't the first time he'd raped me. I lost a pregnancy at five months just a month before I got pregnant with my youngest and he blamed me for the death of our baby. Him being closer to God doesn't exactly make me feel any safer. Why on earth would he think I'm punishing him? I ran away (800 miles away) because I am afraid of him. I just want to be left in peace. I don't think I can take this anymore.

Mother
Quote:I understand it is hard baby, and I don't want you to think I think the abuse is okay. Praise God that your father has never abused me. You have to have faith, Stephanie, and know that God will never give you anything you cannot handle. I need you to trust in the Lord that he knows what is best for you. We may not understand why He chose to allow (ex-husband) to treat you the way he did, but we must know that honoring and obeying our husband is honoring and obeying the Lord. The reward will be great. Do you really think your comfort here is worth eternal damnation? Be strong baby girl, and come home to your husband. You must do what we all know is right.

I have no words for this. How could my mother say this to me? I am tempted to move and change my phone number (again) and never speak to any of them again. I don't know how to deal with this. When is it okay to let go and tell my mother every gruesome detail of my marriage? When is it okay to tell her that if she truly believes that was all a part of god's plan for my life then she is a terrible mother? Can you just quit your family? I am so tired, enough is enough.

I hate to just jump in without knowing anything about you, but reading your post here makes my fucking blood run cold (as well as tears to my eyes) and my suggestion in response would be that you look into filling rape charges against him.

I don't know what to say about your mother's denial and insensitivity. It's simply unfathomable to me. I can only offer sympathy and support you in disregarding her (sorry) batshit-crazy appeals to reconcile.

I've quit my family a few times. Distance is a Good Thing.

It's Special Pleadings all the way down!


Magic Talking Snakes STFU -- revenantx77


You can't have your special pleading and eat it too. -- WillHop
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18-11-2013, 11:25 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 11:12 PM)BryanS Wrote:  
(18-11-2013 07:26 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  Ok so I got a letter from my mother today. Inside it was also a letter from my ex-husband. She's already given him my phone number so I guess I should just be glad that she didn't give him my address too. I have so many "missed" calls every day it's ridiculous. I have just stopped answering my phone when my parents or my ex call. Which is a lot.
The letters were long but I will include the parts that bother/hurt me the most. I really love my mom and I really believe that she loves me too, but she doesn't see how much she hurts me sometimes.

Ex

We didn't see eye to eye? He tried to beat me into being the perfect little housewife that he wanted me to be. My last pregnancy was a result of him raping me and that certainly wasn't the first time he'd raped me. I lost a pregnancy at five months just a month before I got pregnant with my youngest and he blamed me for the death of our baby. Him being closer to God doesn't exactly make me feel any safer. Why on earth would he think I'm punishing him? I ran away (800 miles away) because I am afraid of him. I just want to be left in peace. I don't think I can take this anymore.

Mother

I have no words for this. How could my mother say this to me? I am tempted to move and change my phone number (again) and never speak to any of them again. I don't know how to deal with this. When is it okay to let go and tell my mother every gruesome detail of my marriage? When is it okay to tell her that if she truly believes that was all a part of god's plan for my life then she is a terrible mother? Can you just quit your family? I am so tired, enough is enough.

Neither you nor your kids should have to suffer through that abusive relationship again. It took tremendous courage to get away from that situation, and your mother is unfortunately cracking the door open and is feeding your ex husband's desire to get you back with you. What your mother is doing is dangerous. You should change your cell phone number no matter what. If your ex is savvy enough, he can use that information alone to track down where you live.

You asked, "When is it okay to let go and tell my mother every gruesome detail of my marriage?". If your mother does not know all that happened, maybe it is time you tell her. And in doing so, you tell her that that if she ever reveals your personal information again, you will have no choice but to no longer share that with her.

I'm with Bryan on this. Has Bree weighed in on this yet? (Sorry, haven't read the whole thread yet)

It's Special Pleadings all the way down!


Magic Talking Snakes STFU -- revenantx77


You can't have your special pleading and eat it too. -- WillHop
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18-11-2013, 11:27 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 07:42 PM)Smercury44 Wrote:  Your post brought me to tears. I'm so sorry Hug I can't imagine what you are going through. Yes, you can quit your family. Anyone who says these things to you, and makes you feel this way deserves no place in your life, no matter what your relationship with them is.

You have the right to fill your life with as much joy, love, and understanding as possible. Good for you for not letting your ex take that from you. So proud you were able to leave.

If you can't have a real conversation with your mom about this (which seems HIGHLY unlikely) cut her off. The fact that she chooses a religious belief that harms you over he happiness of her child is a major red flag. Just giving out your number to this monster is crossing a major line. She obviously knows he treated you poorly, that should enough.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

You can make it through this, I believe in you!!

QFTMFT, every single word.

It's Special Pleadings all the way down!


Magic Talking Snakes STFU -- revenantx77


You can't have your special pleading and eat it too. -- WillHop
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18-11-2013, 11:51 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 11:22 PM)Taqiyya Mockingbird Wrote:  I hate to just jump in without knowing anything about you, but reading your post here makes my fucking blood run cold (as well as tears to my eyes) and my suggestion in response would be that you look into filling rape charges against him.

I don't know what to say about your mother's denial and insensitivity. It's simply unfathomable to me. I can only offer sympathy and support you in disregarding her (sorry) batshit-crazy appeals to reconcile.

I've quit my family a few times. Distance is a Good Thing.

I don't know if filing rape charges would be the best idea. Proving marital rape can be tricky and I have been divorced for two years now so that would make it even harder. I would be required to take the stand and undergo questioning. I don't have anything to hide, but I think dragging up the past could hurt all the progress I've made with therapy. Then you have to consider that I have 3 children with him. He has never met my youngest daughter, but the older 2 are old enough to ask questions and they still remember him as their daddy. I have a nice little family here (myself and my 3 kids), we have a safe home, and we are happy. I don't want to do anything that could mess that up.
I just want him to go away and either my mother has to stop giving him a key to my life or I have to stop giving her the key. It's sad and it really hurts me because above everything else she is still my mom. But I won't let her steal away our happiness. It was a long hard road to get here and I am done looking back.
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19-11-2013, 12:02 AM (This post was last modified: 19-11-2013 12:10 AM by Ohio Sky.)
RE: Enough is enough
That letter is sickening. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this from the people who should be supporting you, after everything else you have endured.

Your mother means well but her intentions are clearly misdirected and hurtful. I would probably have a long talk with her and tell her every bit of why you chose the path you did and let her know in a very definite way that you are not going back and that the discussion of you doing so is off limits if she wants to maintain contact with you. She's probably suffering from a little bit of guilt of her own for not being able to fix things for you (us mothers never lose that instinct) and is feeling even worse because you are so far away from your family as a result. Let her know it has nothing to do with her. This is your life and you are the only one who you need to make happy. If she sees that you are in a happier and healthier place now maybe she will understand that this was the only reasonable thing you could do. If a long talk about these issues doesn't yield any results, cutting her out of your life is not an unreasonable action, in my opinion.

((Hugs))

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it- not even if I have said it- unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha
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19-11-2013, 12:25 AM
RE: Enough is enough
Sounds like your mom needs to do what you did which is cut off all ties with your ex husband. You are seriously considering "quitting your family". Before you do perhaps you should let your mom know you can't continue to have a relationship with her as long as she has relationship with him that is so close that it continues to tie him to you. Send her the ultimatum that for you two to have a relationship both of you must treat the ex as non-existent. Your mom can no longer be a tool of your ex and if she can't abide by that you will be very sad that you no longer have a mom. Let her know you love her, but be strong enough to say goodbye.
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19-11-2013, 12:26 AM
RE: Enough is enough
As an atheist... a few thoughts:

People who use "jesus" or "god" to "suddenly see the error of their ways" scare the FUCK out of me. If the only reason you are no longer hating or hitting or causing pain in people's lives is due to "your faith" and "everyone fucks up" then the chances are that you're going to fuck up and make a mistake again. This goes for people who tell you that the only reason they aren't in prison is due to Jesus, or they are no longer a violent sociopath due to jesus. I don't buy that bullshit, it's a coping mechanism. If you can't admit you're hurting others and it's your issue and you need to deal with it, they are worth steering clear of.

Emotional blackmail is bs. To me, family is not people who are "blood" and they are not people who are "just related" - to me, family are people who give a damn about you, people who care, people who actually are capable of love and empathy who actually DO give 2 shits about you. If they aren't in counseling and aren't actively seeking to better themselves and their "therapy" is a book from an angry shithead god, I don't see that as therapy. I hate to be so blunt and perhaps that may come across as "rude" but you have demonstrated yourself to be a GOOD person on these forums and someone who is capable of empathy. You're very open and come across to me as a very caring person. Don't take that for granted. If someone cannot respect you for who you are and is incapable of giving you that respect, they are not worth your time. Period. End of story.

I've been divorced and in a pretty bitter relationship. I was cheated on. I was never physically harmed, I cannot put myself in your shoes. I won't try and I will not try to compare. I can tell you though that breaking up, divorce and relationship issues are never fun. However, I would urge you to look at your life, your priorities and what you want out of life. You get one shot at this life. You can spend it in hopes someone "cares" and "promises" things that are empty who may harm you and may be incapable of keeping those promises. Or you can spend it happily with someone who does care, even if that may be later down the road. Hell, the time inbetween my divorce and getting remarried to who I am married to were some of the best times I had. I got to be myself, find myself, enjoy myself and I really figured out who my friends are.

Only you can decide what you want in life, what you need to do and what is important. You do not owe anyone anything. You don't owe your ex anything, you don't owe those who would harm you or emotionally abuse you anything. Anyone who would do that isn't deserving of your respect. Again, this is your life, your chance, your time on this rock in space. Enjoy it or hate it. Be full of happiness or full of drama and false promises.

You seem like a genuine person from what I can read from your posts. I hate to read that you have to go through this shit, I really do. If it were me, I wouldn't put up with that crap. Live your life, BE HAPPY above all else and enjoy the new you.

Official ordained minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Please pm me with prayer requests to his noodly goodness. Remember, he boiled for your sins and loves you. Carbo Diem! RAmen.
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19-11-2013, 12:30 AM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 11:51 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  
(18-11-2013 11:22 PM)Taqiyya Mockingbird Wrote:  I hate to just jump in without knowing anything about you, but reading your post here makes my fucking blood run cold (as well as tears to my eyes) and my suggestion in response would be that you look into filling rape charges against him.

I don't know what to say about your mother's denial and insensitivity. It's simply unfathomable to me. I can only offer sympathy and support you in disregarding her (sorry) batshit-crazy appeals to reconcile.

I've quit my family a few times. Distance is a Good Thing.

I don't know if filing rape charges would be the best idea. Proving marital rape can be tricky and I have been divorced for two years now so that would make it even harder. I would be required to take the stand and undergo questioning. I don't have anything to hide, but I think dragging up the past could hurt all the progress I've made with therapy. Then you have to consider that I have 3 children with him. He has never met my youngest daughter, but the older 2 are old enough to ask questions and they still remember him as their daddy. I have a nice little family here (myself and my 3 kids), we have a safe home, and we are happy. I don't want to do anything that could mess that up.
I just want him to go away and either my mother has to stop giving him a key to my life or I have to stop giving her the key. It's sad and it really hurts me because above everything else she is still my mom. But I won't let her steal away our happiness. It was a long hard road to get here and I am done looking back.

I understand, I really do, and my heart hurts for you. I would echo the suggestion, if you want to keep up your relationship with your mom, to bring her into counseling and get her to see that what she is doing is toxic.

<hugs>

It's Special Pleadings all the way down!


Magic Talking Snakes STFU -- revenantx77


You can't have your special pleading and eat it too. -- WillHop
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19-11-2013, 12:31 AM
RE: Enough is enough
As BryanS said, what your mom is doing is dangerous. Regardless of making her understand why, you need to make it clear to her that revealing your personal details to him will result in you not giving the details to her in the first place. In the worst case you can always communicate via email which doesn't involve knowing your physical whereabouts.

Can you get a restraining order against him ? I don't know the legal stuff, but I imagine that'll make it easier to get rid of him in a hurry in the case that he does turn up on your doorstep which... is something you should probably consider - if you're prepared for it to happen then when it does you can hopefully get his sorry ass booted with minimal fuss.

LAI, you're pretty amazing. You got handed a shitty deal and you're kicking its ass. More power to you!

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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