Enough is enough
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19-11-2013, 08:58 AM (This post was last modified: 19-11-2013 09:09 AM by WitchSabrina.)
RE: Enough is enough
I can't think straight once I've read the word "rape" - I really can't.
Personally, if it were me in your shoes - I'd never try to explain nor understand mom. But that's just me.

Restraining order is a good idea but you'll have to provide an explanation as to why you want one - and unless you lie - rape will come up. What you need is some time and space between you and these abusive people so you can get your own self back. Get clear. Professional therapy can help you deal with what's happened to you. And maybe even help you understand that people who claim *God* as their purpose for doing as they do or thinking as they think sometimes cannot help that.

In my life I've discovered that *God* is as much an excuse as he is a reason. And won't people always look for excuses or reasons for their poor actions or bad choices? Wouldn't it be wonderful if personal responsibility & accountability were a religion?

I am sorry you've been through so much. Really sorry. And I am living testimony that you can survive such as go on to claim your life as your own. The memories of abuse stay with you, however, they *can* become distant thoughts that do Not plague you.

When I want your opinion I'll read your entrails.
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19-11-2013, 10:15 AM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 07:26 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  Ok so I got a letter from my mother today. Inside it was also a letter from my ex-husband. She's already given him my phone number so I guess I should just be glad that she didn't give him my address too. I have so many "missed" calls every day it's ridiculous. I have just stopped answering my phone when my parents or my ex call. Which is a lot.
The letters were long but I will include the parts that bother/hurt me the most. I really love my mom and I really believe that she loves me too, but she doesn't see how much she hurts me sometimes.

Ex
Quote:I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things, but I truly tried my best to be a good husband to you. I feel like I have gotten closer to God since you left, and when you're ready to come home I am confident that I'm ready to be the kind of husband that He wants me to be. Te quiero chiquita, ya no me castiguéis más ok.

We didn't see eye to eye? He tried to beat me into being the perfect little housewife that he wanted me to be. My last pregnancy was a result of him raping me and that certainly wasn't the first time he'd raped me. I lost a pregnancy at five months just a month before I got pregnant with my youngest and he blamed me for the death of our baby. Him being closer to God doesn't exactly make me feel any safer. Why on earth would he think I'm punishing him? I ran away (800 miles away) because I am afraid of him. I just want to be left in peace. I don't think I can take this anymore.

Mother
Quote:I understand it is hard baby, and I don't want you to think I think the abuse is okay. Praise God that your father has never abused me. You have to have faith, Stephanie, and know that God will never give you anything you cannot handle. I need you to trust in the Lord that he knows what is best for you. We may not understand why He chose to allow (ex-husband) to treat you the way he did, but we must know that honoring and obeying our husband is honoring and obeying the Lord. The reward will be great. Do you really think your comfort here is worth eternal damnation? Be strong baby girl, and come home to your husband. You must do what we all know is right.

I have no words for this. How could my mother say this to me? I am tempted to move and change my phone number (again) and never speak to any of them again. I don't know how to deal with this. When is it okay to let go and tell my mother every gruesome detail of my marriage? When is it okay to tell her that if she truly believes that was all a part of god's plan for my life then she is a terrible mother? Can you just quit your family? I am so tired, enough is enough.

Hello again,

Well I'll start by saying that that sucks! I feel apologies on my part won't do any good, but I do wish you weren't going through, or hadn't gone through, this crap.

I am very glad that you have gotten out of the situation though. I grew up in an abusive household, and I can tell you it sucks for the kids and effs them up long term. So congratulations on your liberation. In my personal life..my mom was in an abusive relationship with my father for I dunno, longer than I've been alive. 30 years? Maybe more. And separating from him has done both my parents a world of good. They have been divorced around 7 years now, and my dad still obsesses over her from time to time. At the beginning he was nearly stalking her. Sending her letters (Emails) all of the time. Calling all of the time. It's horrible.

If you are going through something similar all I can say is that taking a stand for yourself is very important. You can't let yourself feel like your life or your emotions are to be thrown around and trampled by others. Your life is yours (and your children's)! You really are in control, even if others try to usurp that from you.

I can give small suggestions...but they would only be my thoughts on what I consider to be logical actions to better your situation.

Regarding your ex. Making a small succinct communication with him, requesting to cease all communications might be appropriate. I'm talking about like a single sentence. You can be cold. You don't need to give a reason. You just can express that you do not desire for him to have any part of your personal life and you do not ever wish to speak to him again (shared custody of kids can affect this unfortunately). If he cannot stop contacting you after you have requested him to stop, I believe that is harassment and you may be able to get a no-contact order against him. Also, I agree that bringing up rape charges would be next to useless at this point. proving rape in a marriage/domestic relationship is likely a looooooooong shot, especially if it was years in the past.

Regarding your mom, cutting her off is up to you. I liked the suggestion somebody else made about telling her that you CANNOT continue to have him in your life in any way, and if she continues to be his proxy, or continues to argue on his behalf, then she is risking your relationship with her because it HURTS you, and you do not know if you can take it any more.

The religious bull is one thing I can't relate to, it's absolutely disgusting. Your mom probably views your previous marriage vows as a promise to "god" or some stupid crap like that. Unfortunately shaking her from thinking that may not be in the cards this round. What is more important is getting her to drop the ex husband, and to treat you like her daughter, not her son-in-law's wife.

Good luck Steph,

Oh and as a side note, growing up I've found myself great friends who are kind, generally funny, and smart, and I've found something interesting. When learning about their past, and them learning about mine, it turns out a huge number of my friends have some sort of dark or abusive past that they struggled through at some point in their life. And you know what? They are awesome people now, and I think part of that is through the growth they made getting through the issues in their own life. There is something about people who have gone through abuse or heartbreak that makes them...I dunno...more appreciative of the small things in life. And usually a great sense of humor comes out of it too Wink. So hey, be strong, and keep getting stronger. You got this!
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19-11-2013, 11:59 AM
RE: Enough is enough
Quote:ready to be the kind of husband that He wants me to be

I puked in my mouth.

Report the bastard to the police, get restraining order served to him.

Good luck.

. . . ................................ ......................................... . [Image: 2dsmnow.gif] Eat at Joe's
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24-11-2013, 03:07 PM
RE: Enough is enough
So I just jumped in my car and drove down to Georgia. My one last effort to keep my family. I have had a two day conversation with my parents. I told them that I am certain that not believing isn't a faze for me. I told them that I will never believe again and I will never go back to my ex-husband. It was pretty hysterical for the first day but yesterday was much calmer and I think my parents are realizing that they can still love me and I am still the daughter they've always loved. I brought my kids to see their dad. My ex husband met our youngest daughter for the first time. I found out that he has a 12 month old baby in Guatemala. (Our daughter is 13 months old. I found out I was pregnant after he had already left for Guatemala. I was 8 weeks pregnant when I filed for divorce.) I don't know why it hurts me so much. I don't want to be with him. I didn't even want to bring my kids to see him, but I felt like it was wrong to say no. He's never been a really bad father. I just can't stop thinking about this. Why does it bother me so much? Why do I feel so hurt? Maybe it's because he keeps trying to get me to come back to him? I don't know. I just know that I feel really upset about it and I don't feel like I can tell anybody how much it hurts me except you guys so there it is.
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24-11-2013, 03:17 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(24-11-2013 03:07 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  So I just jumped in my car and drove down to Georgia. My one last effort to keep my family. I have had a two day conversation with my parents. I told them that I am certain that not believing isn't a faze for me. I told them that I will never believe again and I will never go back to my ex-husband. It was pretty hysterical for the first day but yesterday was much calmer and I think my parents are realizing that they can still love me and I am still the daughter they've always loved. I brought my kids to see their dad. My ex husband met our youngest daughter for the first time. I found out that he has a 12 month old baby in Guatemala. (Our daughter is 13 months old. I found out I was pregnant after he had already left for Guatemala. I was 8 weeks pregnant when I filed for divorce.) I don't know why it hurts me so much. I don't want to be with him. I didn't even want to bring my kids to see him, but I felt like it was wrong to say no. He's never been a really bad father. I just can't stop thinking about this. Why does it bother me so much? Why do I feel so hurt? Maybe it's because he keeps trying to get me to come back to him? I don't know. I just know that I feel really upset about it and I don't feel like I can tell anybody how much it hurts me except you guys so there it is.

It's common human emotion to be upset when you feel betrayal. When I found out that my ex cheated on me (the reason I divorced her) I was still super upset. I think it was the double standard.

"Well this relationship is hard, so you need to work at it more."
Me "Ok, that's cool, let's work at it."

Weeks later
"I totally had sex with your best friend. Oops!"
Me "Wow, ok, wtf. I want a divorce."

Even after that it was the fact that she could look me in the eye with a straight face, tell me that I was causing problems, or that I was somehow the underlying fault, yet she was off having sex with my best friend and didn't have enough respect to... well... not do that.

Enough about my story, my point is that it's normal to feel upset when you feel betrayed. I think it's admirable that you discussed stuff with them and let them know how you feel. Sometimes that's all you can do. People in denial want to say, "it's just a phase... it's going to pass. Things will be fine."

Or the "What did I do wrong as a parent? Is this my fault?" thing parents do. Either way, you are who you are and you shouldn't be ashamed of it. If anything, they should be ashamed.

You're good people.

Official ordained minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Please pm me with prayer requests to his noodly goodness. Remember, he boiled for your sins and loves you. Carbo Diem! RAmen.
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24-11-2013, 03:17 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Lost this post scares me... "It felt wrong to say no, he's never really been a bad father, why does it bother me so much?, why do I feel so hurt?"

Please tell me he's not getting to you! Sadcryface

A good father does not rape, hit, verbally abuse the mother of his children. Any contact you have with this man is another chance for him to manipulate you. Sorry if I'm crossing any lines, I just really care, even though we hardly know each other.

Hug

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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24-11-2013, 03:20 PM
RE: Enough is enough
It just feels like his manipulation is working... It has you all turned around and questioning why you are upset and hurt... Again sorry of I'm crossing any lines.. Just I've seen his happen with my sister. I don't want to see you go back, or be manipulated.

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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24-11-2013, 03:27 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(24-11-2013 03:17 PM)Smercury44 Wrote:  Lost this post scares me... "It felt wrong to say no, he's never really been a bad father, why does it bother me so much?, why do I feel so hurt?"

Please tell me he's not getting to you! Sadcryface

A good father does not rape, hit, verbally abuse the mother of his children. Any contact you have with this man is another chance for him to manipulate you. Sorry if I'm crossing any lines, I just really care, even though we hardly know each other.

Hug

I am still at my mom's, but will be on the way home in a few hours. He's not getting to me in a way that means I would ever go back to him or that I would ever let him hurt me physically again. The baby thing really gets to me emotionally though. Is he going to love this woman and treat her right? Is he going to be there for this baby? If so, what makes them better than us? What makes them a family worth keeping together? Was it really that he just hated me and outside our marriage he's actually this great guy? Is there something wrong with me? Am I unlovable? Did I not deserve to be treated right? Did I not deserve to be loved or to be happy? I know it sounds stupid but I can't stop thinking about it.
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24-11-2013, 03:30 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Chances are he'll do the same to her as he's done to you.

Are you unlovable? Hardy. You and your children deserve a man who will treat you with respect.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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24-11-2013, 03:36 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(24-11-2013 03:27 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  
(24-11-2013 03:17 PM)Smercury44 Wrote:  Lost this post scares me... "It felt wrong to say no, he's never really been a bad father, why does it bother me so much?, why do I feel so hurt?"

Please tell me he's not getting to you! Sadcryface

A good father does not rape, hit, verbally abuse the mother of his children. Any contact you have with this man is another chance for him to manipulate you. Sorry if I'm crossing any lines, I just really care, even though we hardly know each other.

Hug

I am still at my mom's, but will be on the way home in a few hours. He's not getting to me in a way that means I would ever go back to him or that I would ever let him hurt me physically again. The baby thing really gets to me emotionally though. Is he going to love this woman and treat her right? Is he going to be there for this baby? If so, what makes them better than us? What makes them a family worth keeping together? Was it really that he just hated me and outside our marriage he's actually this great guy? Is there something wrong with me? Am I unlovable? Did I not deserve to be treated right? Did I not deserve to be loved or to be happy? I know it sounds stupid but I can't stop thinking about it.

If someone did not respect you enough to respect your marriage and cause such emotional pain, I would propose they did not respect you enough in the first place. I understand that some people cheat and get through it and work through it. It is one thing when people go through rough times. It is another to repeatedly emotionally abuse someone over and over.

His behavior is not your fault. The stuff he does is not your fault. At the end of the day people make their own decisions. If someone is making the choice to be an abusive (physically or otherwise) person then they either have underlying issues they need help with, or are choosing to be that way. Do not take the blame or let someone put the blame on you for that.

I certainly have to say that it is admirable for you to stick to your views and being yourself through this, I can imagine it must be difficult. But it's also good that you are venting and talking about things. Sometimes, having people just lend an ear makes a world of difference.

Official ordained minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Please pm me with prayer requests to his noodly goodness. Remember, he boiled for your sins and loves you. Carbo Diem! RAmen.
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