Enough is enough
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24-11-2013, 03:45 PM
RE: Enough is enough
Ok I see now, those are some really tough questions to face. The answers are easy, but hard to accept sometimes: you did nothing wrong, you are worth so much more than he gave you, he will not treat is new woman any better, that family is not worth more than yours, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be cherished, you deserve to be valued. Hug

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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24-11-2013, 03:48 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(24-11-2013 03:36 PM)Logisch Wrote:  
(24-11-2013 03:27 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  I am still at my mom's, but will be on the way home in a few hours. He's not getting to me in a way that means I would ever go back to him or that I would ever let him hurt me physically again. The baby thing really gets to me emotionally though. Is he going to love this woman and treat her right? Is he going to be there for this baby? If so, what makes them better than us? What makes them a family worth keeping together? Was it really that he just hated me and outside our marriage he's actually this great guy? Is there something wrong with me? Am I unlovable? Did I not deserve to be treated right? Did I not deserve to be loved or to be happy? I know it sounds stupid but I can't stop thinking about it.

If someone did not respect you enough to respect your marriage and cause such emotional pain, I would propose they did not respect you enough in the first place. I understand that some people cheat and get through it and work through it. It is one thing when people go through rough times. It is another to repeatedly emotionally abuse someone over and over.

His behavior is not your fault. The stuff he does is not your fault. At the end of the day people make their own decisions. If someone is making the choice to be an abusive (physically or otherwise) person then they either have underlying issues they need help with, or are choosing to be that way. Do not take the blame or let someone put the blame on you for that.

I certainly have to say that it is admirable for you to stick to your views and being yourself through this, I can imagine it must be difficult. But it's also good that you are venting and talking about things. Sometimes, having people just lend an ear makes a world of difference.

It really does help a lot.

If he chooses to be with her, then I truly hope he treats her right and loves her and makes her happy. I have no clue who she is, but I am sure she deserves to be happy too. But I think I am kind of jealous of the possibility. I really wish I could just let everything I feel for him die. Th love I had, the hatred I have, the times we shared (good and all of the bad), all of my hopes and dreams for what could have/should have been. I just need to let it all die and move on with my life. That was one of the other reasons I came down here. I am proud that I could look at him and talk to him and walk away planning to never see him again. I am seriously ready to move on with my life, but I need to find a way to let it all go. I have let him go, but how do I get rid if the rest? I keep telling myself time, but I am not getting any younger and I'm tired of wasting so much time trying to clean up his mess and fix the damage he caused to my life. Ugh
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24-11-2013, 03:51 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(24-11-2013 03:45 PM)Smercury44 Wrote:  Ok I see now, those are some really tough questions to face. The answers are easy, but hard to accept sometimes: you did nothing wrong, you are worth so much more than he gave you, he will not treat is new woman any better, that family is not worth more than yours, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be cherished, you deserve to be valued. Hug

You make me cry, thank you! Hug
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24-11-2013, 03:52 PM
RE: Enough is enough
It is often the 'could have beens' that are hardest to let go.

You and your children do not need an abusive man in your lives.

It will take time, don't let anyone wear you down. Just look forward and head that way.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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24-11-2013, 03:54 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(24-11-2013 03:51 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  
(24-11-2013 03:45 PM)Smercury44 Wrote:  Ok I see now, those are some really tough questions to face. The answers are easy, but hard to accept sometimes: you did nothing wrong, you are worth so much more than he gave you, he will not treat is new woman any better, that family is not worth more than yours, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be cherished, you deserve to be valued. Hug

You make me cry, thank you! Hug

Well good, it's only fair since you make me cry too!! Hug lolz

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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24-11-2013, 04:00 PM (This post was last modified: 24-11-2013 04:16 PM by Logisch.)
RE: Enough is enough
(24-11-2013 03:48 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  It really does help a lot.

If he chooses to be with her, then I truly hope he treats her right and loves her and makes her happy. I have no clue who she is, but I am sure she deserves to be happy too. But I think I am kind of jealous of the possibility. I really wish I could just let everything I feel for him die. Th love I had, the hatred I have, the times we shared (good and all of the bad), all of my hopes and dreams for what could have/should have been. I just need to let it all die and move on with my life. That was one of the other reasons I came down here. I am proud that I could look at him and talk to him and walk away planning to never see him again. I am seriously ready to move on with my life, but I need to find a way to let it all go. I have let him go, but how do I get rid if the rest? I keep telling myself time, but I am not getting any younger and I'm tired of wasting so much time trying to clean up his mess and fix the damage he caused to my life. Ugh

Sometimes acceptance is the hardest part. Do not confuse acceptable of the "could be" or "was" or "what ifs" with saying that the stuff he did was ok. But accepting the "could have been different but it isn't" part. I was friends with my ex-wife throughout high school. Somewhere around 8 years. We were married less than 6 months before it fell apart. The marriage was on a teeter far before she cheated on me, you could say it was on the way to being over.

The hardest part for me was accepting that it was just over. I had no more interest, I had no trust in her. It was essentially 8 years of friendship down the drain over things that could have been resolved, but the other half did not want to resolve them and only escalated the situation.

In this, I learned that it certainly takes 2 for a relationship to work. You'll never recover the time you spent, the days you spent, the years you spent. You can learn from them, however. Sometimes accepting that it has happened is a very hard thing to do. When and if you ever move along to another relationship, keep in mind not to judge the gender based on a bad experience. The other part is being confident in yourself, not putting up with BS, not ignoring red flags and being OK with calling them out in the future (again, if you pursue it again).

When I started dating again, the first few times were hard not to compare and say, "I'm glad she doesn't do xyz like my ex did." which was unfair because I was comparing them to each other. After a while when I got a chance to mature and become less naive, I decided to look for a healthy and stable relationship: good communication, realistic boundaries, acceptance of each other for who we are, honesty, and of course trust.

The ability to look at things differently and accept things and want to change things for your own life doesn't come overnight. It took me a while and I still remember things from time to time.

Things will get better with time, and sometimes time is very necessary. Never feel bad for improving your life, for moving on, for bettering yourself, for wanting better and never blame yourself for this above all. If you can be proud of who you are and do that, you'll be on a good path Thumbsup

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24-11-2013, 05:42 PM
RE: Enough is enough
I was married to an abusive man and I can tell you they are smart enough to tell you whatever they think will win you over. Another woman may or may not exist or it may be an attempt to make you jealous in the hopes you rush back to him. You are on this earth once. There is no second chance. You can either live it as you desire or you can let others rule your life. I opted for the first one and have never regretted my decision. He managed to find a live in that lasted less than a year, then another, same thing. Like you, I too had to run and hide. Fortunately my parents may no effort to influence me one way or the other but were if I needed them. It is unfortunate that your mother is so caught up in the bible that she has forsaken your health and happiness. This is why we are atheists.
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25-11-2013, 04:07 AM
RE: Enough is enough
LostandInsecure Wrote:I have no words for this. How could my mother say this to me? I am tempted to move and change my phone number (again) and never speak to any of them again. I don't know how to deal with this. When is it okay to let go and tell my mother every gruesome detail of my marriage? When is it okay to tell her that if she truly believes that was all a part of god's plan for my life then she is a terrible mother? Can you just quit your family? I am so tired, enough is enough.

Yes. I honestly think you should. 'Family' isn't always defined by marriage, nor genetic lineage. After reading all this thread I would suffice it to say that they are a boulder tied to you legs. You are obviously a strong woman, you don't need that shit. Cut them out of your life. There are people on this forum who I would consider to be more family than some of the people that happen to have the same essential genetic makeup as me.

Anyhow, I have a lot of respect for you. When I say I think you are strong, I mean that. Hug

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25-11-2013, 08:02 AM
RE: Enough is enough
Thank you! Thank you all for being there for me. It has been so hard feeling so alone with no one to help me get through this. Now I have you guys and it means a lot to me. I might come back to this thread from time to time if I need some more advice or anything. I love you guys Hug

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25-11-2013, 08:06 AM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 07:26 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  Ok so I got a letter from my mother today. Inside it was also a letter from my ex-husband. She's already given him my phone number so I guess I should just be glad that she didn't give him my address too. I have so many "missed" calls every day it's ridiculous. I have just stopped answering my phone when my parents or my ex call. Which is a lot.
The letters were long but I will include the parts that bother/hurt me the most. I really love my mom and I really believe that she loves me too, but she doesn't see how much she hurts me sometimes.

Ex
Quote:I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things, but I truly tried my best to be a good husband to you. I feel like I have gotten closer to God since you left, and when you're ready to come home I am confident that I'm ready to be the kind of husband that He wants me to be. Te quiero chiquita, ya no me castiguéis más ok.

We didn't see eye to eye? He tried to beat me into being the perfect little housewife that he wanted me to be. My last pregnancy was a result of him raping me and that certainly wasn't the first time he'd raped me. I lost a pregnancy at five months just a month before I got pregnant with my youngest and he blamed me for the death of our baby. Him being closer to God doesn't exactly make me feel any safer. Why on earth would he think I'm punishing him? I ran away (800 miles away) because I am afraid of him. I just want to be left in peace. I don't think I can take this anymore.

Mother
Quote:I understand it is hard baby, and I don't want you to think I think the abuse is okay. Praise God that your father has never abused me. You have to have faith, Stephanie, and know that God will never give you anything you cannot handle. I need you to trust in the Lord that he knows what is best for you. We may not understand why He chose to allow (ex-husband) to treat you the way he did, but we must know that honoring and obeying our husband is honoring and obeying the Lord. The reward will be great. Do you really think your comfort here is worth eternal damnation? Be strong baby girl, and come home to your husband. You must do what we all know is right.

I have no words for this. How could my mother say this to me? I am tempted to move and change my phone number (again) and never speak to any of them again. I don't know how to deal with this. When is it okay to let go and tell my mother every gruesome detail of my marriage? When is it okay to tell her that if she truly believes that was all a part of god's plan for my life then she is a terrible mother? Can you just quit your family? I am so tired, enough is enough.

(24-11-2013 03:07 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  So I just jumped in my car and drove down to Georgia. My one last effort to keep my family. I have had a two day conversation with my parents. I told them that I am certain that not believing isn't a faze for me. I told them that I will never believe again and I will never go back to my ex-husband. It was pretty hysterical for the first day but yesterday was much calmer and I think my parents are realizing that they can still love me and I am still the daughter they've always loved. I brought my kids to see their dad. My ex husband met our youngest daughter for the first time. I found out that he has a 12 month old baby in Guatemala. (Our daughter is 13 months old. I found out I was pregnant after he had already left for Guatemala. I was 8 weeks pregnant when I filed for divorce.) I don't know why it hurts me so much. I don't want to be with him. I didn't even want to bring my kids to see him, but I felt like it was wrong to say no. He's never been a really bad father. I just can't stop thinking about this. Why does it bother me so much? Why do I feel so hurt? Maybe it's because he keeps trying to get me to come back to him? I don't know. I just know that I feel really upset about it and I don't feel like I can tell anybody how much it hurts me except you guys so there it is.

Every few days I see things like this and it strikes a thought in the deep, violent recesses of my mind.

It says something like this: "You know, some creatures on this planet really need to be purged from it in glorious hell-fire." I find myself more and more frequently agreeing.

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